DENVER. Tempers flared in the Denver Nuggets' huddle during Saturday night's game against the Houston Rockets after Kenyon Martin learned the meaning of Chinese characters tattooed on Allen Iverson's neck.
"I'm shopping at Target from now on!"
"I saw Yao Ming laughing in the lay-up line during warm-ups and I asked him what was so funny," Martin said. "He told me Allen's tattoo means 'Power Forward Stinky Pants'."
Iverson denied the allegation, noting that Chinese ideographs often have multiple meanings. "Everybody knows that the symbol for 'crisis' is the same as 'opportunity'," The Answer responded to questions from reporters. "Everybody but K-Mart. That's why I shop at Target."
"My pants do not stink."
Yao acknowledged that his translation might have been too literal. "If the tattoo appeared on his bicep the more likely translation would be 'Strong Muscle, Smelly Pits'," the Houston center said through an interpreter. "Mr. Iverson should have consulted with a knowledgeable interpreter before paying for a permanent mark on such a visible part of his body."
"No, seriously. It means 'Pork Fried Rice'."
The flap has raised the possibility that other Nuggets' players may be sending coded messages to their teammates through tattoos as well. Team officials said they would send center Marcus Camby to a Sino-American language expert for a translation of Chinese characters on his upper arms. Camby has long maintained that his markings were copied from a take-out menu and mean "Free Delivery For Order Over Ten Dollar."
DENVER. Nuggets' power forward Kenyon Martin was in stable condition today after a team of doctors worked through the night to graft skin from his calves and buttocks onto his upper arms to give him critically-needed space for more tattoos.
"Kenyon should be all right," said Dr. Amelia Rogers, Head of Plastic Surgery at Denver General Hospital. "We were able to give him another nine square inches of epidermis in the bicep areas, which will permit him to mark up his body like a toddler's coloring book for many years to come."
In a recent response to a fan's question on the team's "Ask A Nugget" on-line forum, Martin said that he had "like nineteen or twenty tattoos," with his favorite being the image of his son on his right bicep.
The NBA does not keep statistics on tattoos, although it is considering a "tattoo cap" similar to the salary cap in place under the league's current collective bargaining agreement. Teams could trade a heavily-tattooed center for a guard from Brigham Young, for example, thereby freeing up space to make acquisitions or sign a draft pick.
Other NBA players expressed sympathy when they learned of Martin's hospitalization. "Man, that day is coming for all of us," said Rasheed Wallace of the Pistons, who has a tattoo of the sun on his right shoulder. "Suppose they discover a solar system close to ours? I might not have enough room left for another luminous celestial body."
Tattoos were invented by the Maoris, a Polynesian aboriginal group native to New Zealand. The Maoris play a game called "Ki-o-rahi," which is noted for imaginative handling and passing of a "ki" or ball. They are great admirers of Speedy Claxton, the New Orleans-Oklahoma City point guard, and follow the NBA by short-wave radio.
Maori tribal leader Nga Tamatoa wished Martin a speedy recovery in a letter delivered to him in the hospital this morning. "May the Great Power Forward heal quickly," Tamatoa wrote, "so that you may acquire much bling to the end of your days."
Con Chapman is the author of "The Year of the Gerbil: How the Yankees Won (and the Red Sox Lost) the Greatest Pennant Race Ever," a history of the 1978 AL East pennant race, and "CannaCorn", a novel about minor league baseball to be published by Joshua Tree Publishing in 2009. He has written a number of plays, including "Number One Hockey Mom," "Please, Pope," and "What Mickey Belle Isle Told You," a trilogy about hockey (JAC Publishing). His articles and humor have appeared in newspapers and magazines including The Boston Globe, The Boston Herald, and The Atlantic Monthly, among others.
