MILWAUKEE.  Bud Selig, commissioner of baseball and general manager of Selig GMC-Buick, a car and truck dealership here, today promised a crackdown on major league baseball players who jaywalk following a high-profile arrest of  Boston Red Sox outfielder Manny Ramirez in Seattle and a news report linking Yankee pitcher Joba Chamberlain to a New Jersey organized crime family that crosses the streets of New York's Little Italy without looking both ways.

Selig:  "Senator, it may look like I'm picking, but I'm only scratching."

"Our fans deserve to know that the players their kids look up to are crossing at the green, and not in between," Selig said in a conference call with sports reporters and traffic safety officers.  "I was captain of my school crossing guard in 7th grade, and I take this personally."

"I told the Commissioner, you know, blow it out your shorts."

Ramirez was cited in Seattle for walking against a red light, a misdemeanor in a city that appears friendly on the surface, but which is governed by a nine-person city council composed largely of members of the Grunge-Espresso Axis, a neo-fascist group that worships Kurt Cobain.

Cobain:  "Dude--I can't even see the crosswalk."

Chamberlain was charged with walking four batters in a game against Toronto on June 8th, and vowed to appeal his fine.  "I didn't jaywalk, I walked a bunch of Jays," Chamberlain said.  "There's a big difference."