SEATTLE. As Vladimir Guerrero touched home plate after hitting a two-run homer to cap a 6-4 win over the Seattle Mariners last night, fans at Safeco Field erupted in a explosion of cheers that was heard two and a half miles away at Swedish/Cherry Hill Medical Center. "The emergency room will be a mess tonight," said second shift nurse Cheryl Marchant over the audible roar as she stood on the ambulance ramp. "This is really historic."
"Great job, you jerk."
The milestone Marchant is referring to is the Mariners' worst-in-baseball record of 58-101. The team was mathematically eliminated for the 2008 season some time ago, but the loss to the Angels means they are mathematically eliminated from contention for 2009 as well. "Dodgers fans used to say 'Wait until next year'," notes east coast transplant Verrill Hodges. "Mariners fans can now say 'Wait until the year after next'--that's something to brag about."
"Now I can work on my macrame next season!"
That means the pressure is off for a team that suffered from clubhouse conflict all year long, with some teammates reporting Ichiro Suzuki, the franchise's highest profile player, to the Immigration and Naturalization Service to check his green card. "I do not object to other players ensuring that I have my papers in proper order," said Suzuki through an interpreter. "My superior math skills learned in Japanese schools have helped to give them the year off to improve brains that have been weakened by watching too much SportsCenter."
"What's a three-letter word for a flightless, Australian bird?"
Pitcher Cesar Jimenez said he hoped that a more relaxed approach to the game next year would enable him to experience the many attractions Seattle has to offer.
Cobain: "Hmm--should I go with the sweater/skirt ensemble, or the little black dress?"
"I want to take the Kurt Cobain Drag Shopping Experience," said Jimenez, a six-block walking tour of the women's wear shops frequented by the transvestite Nirvana singer credited with the creation of the "grunge" sound.
"I'm having trouble locating my salmon splitter today."
Ryan Feierabend, a left-handed pitcher, said he was looking forward to throwing "long toss" in the Pike Place Fish Market. "Every day at Safeco we throw the same little white ball," he said. "Down in the Fish Market, one day you're throwing a salmon, the next day it could be tuna or marlin or swordfish."
Con Chapman is the author of "The Year of the Gerbil: How the Yankees Won (and the Red Sox Lost) the Greatest Pennant Race Ever," a history of the 1978 AL East pennant race, and "CannaCorn", a novel about minor league baseball to be published by Joshua Tree Publishing in 2009. He has written a number of plays, including "Number One Hockey Mom," "Please, Pope," and "What Mickey Belle Isle Told You," a trilogy about hockey (JAC Publishing). His articles and humor have appeared in newspapers and magazines including The Boston Globe, The Boston Herald, and The Atlantic Monthly, among others.
