It is time once again to dig into Mr. Sports Talk Guy's mailbag and answer your questions on jargon from the four major sports groups.

"Stop yelling at me!"

Dear Mr. Sports Talk Guy--

My boyfriend--I will call him "Darrell" although he does not wear quotation marks around his head-- is a real sports nut, and I am trying to make our relationship work, dammit!  This summer we went to Cardinals-Cubs game and he yelled "Ducks on the pond! Bring ‘em in!" when a Mr. Derrick Lee was holding the bat.  Yesterday we went to a football game in Chicago and, in an effort to impress him, I yelled the same thing when the Bears had the ball.  Darrell looked at me with annoyance, not fondness.  Did I do something wrong?

Eloise M., Cairo, IL

"What ducks?"

Eloise-

Each sport has its own terminology, with which you should become familiar before cheering in public.  The phrase you used refers to a situation in which there are several runners on base in a baseball game, and was inappropriate for use at an NFL playoff game.

The 8:45 hole

Hey there Sports Talk Guy-

Settle a bet for me.  My friend Vince says there are only five "holes" around a hockey goal.  I say there are twelve holes based on the numbers on a clock, and that the "five hole" is the inside of the goalie's left pad.  We have agreed to abide by your decision.

Jeff M., Seekonk, Mass.

"I never saw the puck!"

Jeff--

Contrary to widespread belief, the "holes" at which hockey players shoot are not based on the numbers on a clock's face.  There are only five holes, one in each corner of the goal with the fifth being the space between the goalie's legs, regardless of whether the goalie is a man or a woman.  "Five hole" also refers to an aperture in a shakuhachi flute.

Hang time 

Mr. Sports Talk Guy:

I am a hard-working college student at Fresno State University.  The other kids in my classes are real slackers.  Sometimes when I put my hand up and keep it there until the professor calls on me the other students start laughing and whispering "hang time".  Are you familiar with this term?

Duane R., Raisin City, CA

"Do you have a question, or are you signalling for a fair catch?" 

Duane-

"Hang time" refers to the duration between the moment when a punter kicks a football and the punt receiver catches it.  From the kicking team's point of view, the longer the hang time the better, since more time allows for better punt coverage.  I suspect that your classmates are alluding to the fact that your hand is in the air as if to signal for a fair catch, and that it stays there for lengthy periods.  You are being ridiculed, and should complain to the Dean of Students.

Togo Palazzi, Holy Cross, 1954:  Last guard to be convicted of palming.

Hello Mr. Sports Talk Guy--

Long-time reader, first-time writer.  I was reading a book about the NBA recently and came across a reference to "palming."  Can you tell me what this means?

Eliot R., New Rochelle, New York

Johnson:  "I also get an extra step--or two." 

Eliot-

In the days before Earvin "Magic" Johnson caused NBA referees to become star-struck with his dazzling "Show Time" fast-breaks, the league recognized an offensive violation for placing a hand under the ball and carrying it in one's palm, which enables guards to increase their speed and mobility while dribbling.  Palming calls have gone the way of the two-handed set shot, which is why you are unfamiliar with the concept.

"Swing batter-batter to our team's inane chatter!" 

Hey Sports Talk Guy-

I remember a long time ago you would go to a Little League game and hear the fielders chanting "Hey-batta-batta-swing-batta-batta," etc.  Last summer I went to one of my grandson's games and it was quiet as a library.  Whatever happened to "chatter"?

By the way, love your column.

Floyd Suggins, Cape Girardeau, MO.

Floyd-

Unfortunately, chatter is no longer taught to impressionable youth baseball players in America.  Our children will grow up never having heard "We want a pitcher not a belly itcher!" and other colorful insults kids used to hurl at each other.  Studies show that Japanese, Caribbean and South American players are still taught the basics of this art, which is why they have come to dominate the major leagues.

"Oh, there's my left foot--I've been looking for it all day!"

Dear Mr. Sports Talk Guy--

Every four years when the Winter Olympics come around we invite friends over to watch the women's skating finals.  This really "frosts" my husband Cliff who would rather watch his stupid University of North Dakota Fighting Sioux play hockey.  In 2006 I was coming out of the kitchen with some cheese and crackers for our guests just as Irina Slutskaya began her freestyle program.  She is my favorite because, like me, she is a little on the "chunky" side.  As I walked into the living room I heard my husband say "look at that sow-cow."  Mr. Sports Talk Guy--I turned beet red.  How could he say such a mean thing about a world-class ice skater who happens to be a little plump?  The XXIst Winter Olympics are coming up in less than 18 months and I want to know whether I should throw our quadrennial get-together or just say to hell with it.

Mrs. Eleanor Mueller, Arvilla, North Dakota

"Fooey on you and the Fighting Sioux, Mr. Mueller!"

Mrs. Mueller--

Your husband undoubtedly used the word "salchow", which refers to a jump named after its inventor, Ulrich Salchow.  A salchow is commonly entered from a backwards crossover, turns a full revolution, lands on a right back outer edge and rotates the front and rear tires.  There is nothing offensive about that, and your indignation appears to be driven by resentment of your husband's love of hockey.   I would suggest you learn the rudiments of figure skating terminology and direct further inquiries to Dear Abby. 

Copyright 2008, Con Chapman

FOXBORO, Mass.  New England Patriots fans were in shock today after quarterback Tom Brady suffered a knee injury in yesterday's game against the Kansas City Chiefs, but another group showed the 2007 MVP no sympathy.  "If I slip at the end of the catwalk," said supermodel Elle Macpherson, "there is no injury cart to bring me back."

Tom Brady

Indeed, the reaction among the world's supermodels to what is believed to be a torn anterior cruciate ligament was dismissive, if not downright hostile.  "A lot of your top models see Brady as a threat ever since he turned into a coverboy," says Pro Football Today's Mark Samari.  "They watch his stat line to see how many column inches he gets in the gossip columns."

Macpherson:  "I would have put on fresh makeup and gone back into the game."

Brady has played in four Super Bowls, leading the Patriots to victory in three of them.  Speaking in the broken English that is their official language, German supermodel Claudia Schiffer said that in order to join the supermodels' union "one must be on all the covers all over the world at the same time so that people can recognise the girls so Brady does not qualify, yes?"

"Do you have Matt Cassel's cell phone number?"

There was speculation that Giselle Bundchen, Brady's supermodel girlfriend, would dump him after she was heard muttering "Another Wally Pipp" as she left a luxury box at Gillette Stadium.  Wally Pipp was a member of the New York Yankees who sat out a game due to a headache and was replaced by Lou Gehrig, the "Iron Horse" who went on to play in 2,130 consecutive games.  Brady was replaced by Matt Cassel, a back-up whose preseason reps did little to inspire confidence.

Wally Pipp:  "Not today, Giselle--I've got a headache."

"When I am not feeling well I still must oil up my body for exhausting photo shoots wearing nothing but a bikini in the hot sun," Bundchen snapped at a reporter.  "Does anybody have Matt Cassel's cell phone number?"

BEIJING.  Confronted with a certified copy of her birth certificate by Chinese officials, Olympic silver medalist Dana Torres today admitted that she is not 41 years and that she added two years to her age under pressure from Bob Costas, the boyish NBC sports broadcaster.

Dana Torres:  Will relinquish her silver medal and her subscription to Modern Maturity.

"NBC really pushed me to come up with a more compelling story line," Torres said as she fought back tears.  "Somehow, 41 sounds a lot more dramatic than 39."

Costas:  "I'm still more boyish than that guy on American Bandstand."

Costas was born in 1952 but is still "carded" when he tries to buy drinks for athletes in bars.  "There's no way you're 21," said bouncer Xiang-Lee Xiao as Costas tried to order a Szechuan pork-infused martini at the Thousand Glorious Beer Nuts Bar and Grill.  "Chinese girl gymnast look older than you."

"I am not underage if you use an abacus."

This year's Olympics have been marred by several age controversies, including claims that gold-medal winning gymnast He Kexin is only thirteen, three years below the minimum age of sixteen.  "This is cultural prejudice," said Huang Jiansi, an offical at the Chinese Gymnastic Sports Management Centre.  "If you add up her age using an abacus instead of a calculator, you get pretty much any number you want."

As for Torres, reporters who followed her career prior to her Olympic triumph confirmed that she is in fact 39.  "I've known Dana since the late 1990's," said Ellen Walbert of Chlorinated Pool Management.  "She's been 39 ever since I met her."

WASHINGTON, D.C.  Senator Arlen Specter accused the Boston Celtics of "cheating like a lazy fifth-grader on a geography test" in winning their seventeenth NBA championship Tuesday night, saying New England Patriots' head coach Bill Belichick filmed the Los Angeles Lakers' shoot-around prior to the decisive game six earlier in the day.

Specter:  "There must be a grassy knoll around the Boston Garden somewhere . . ."

"This sort of dishonesty is contrary to everything America stands for, except for legislators who vote on bills that favor campaign donors," Specter said in a hastily-called news conference.  "To those who claim I'm obsessed with bringing down Coach Belichick, I say you'd feel the same way about someone who is always stealing your yogurt from the refrigerator in the Senator's Lounge." 

Belichick:  "You watch--Kobe's going to shoot now."

Belichick was fined $500,000 in 2007 by NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell for taping defensive signals of the New York Jets, a charge that the Patriots' coach did not dispute but which he said was due to a misinterpretation of the rules.  "As I understood it," Belichick said at the time, "I was allowed to take video of [Jets' head coach] Eric Mangini to see who was doing better on our Weight Watchers Diet competition."

Belichick and Mangini:  "Nice to see you, too."

According to Specter, Belichick's tape of the shoot-around enabled the Celtics to anticipate the Lakers' offensive plays in their 131-92 blowout win in Game 6.  "You can see it in their defenders' eyes," Specter said as he rolled three metal balls in his hands.  "They knew the Lakers' 'Give the ball to Kobe' play, their 'Clear out for Kobe play', and their 'Get yelled at by Kobe during a timeout' play."

Jackson and his "Triangle Offense"

Lakers' coach Phil Jackson said pre-game taping would help an opponent understand his complicated "Triangle Offense", which he has used to guide the Lakers and the Chicago Bulls to nine NBA championships.  "There's no way the Celtics could have known that the square of the hypotenuse of a right triangle is equal to the sum of the squares of the two other sides," Jackson said bitterly as he boarded a charter plane back to Los Angeles.  "Unless they taped the practice or took high school geometry."

Copyright 2008, Con Chapman

BOSTON. Coming off a dramatic win Thursday night in which forward Paul Pierce made a miraculous recovery from a knee injury to lead his team to victory, the Boston Celtics today announced that they have added faith healer Jimmy Ray Embree to their training staff.

Embree: "Jesus--make this small forward walk again so he can come back and drain back-to-back 3 pointers!"

"Miracles can happen, but you don't want to count on them," said Celtics coach Glenn "Doc" Rivers, who is not a licensed physician. "Paul's comeback saved us, just the way a good Bible-thumping televangelist can save you."

"He can walk! Praise the Lord!"

Pierce injured his right knee in a collision with center Kendrick Perkins, and was carried off the court by teammates Tony Allen and Brian Scalabrine and Dr. Brian McKeon, a team physician. "There's nothing I can do for him," McKeon said upon examining Pierce. "We'll have to put him down, like a racehorse."

"God wants you to spread the floor and create isolations for St. Paul!"

But Embree, an itinerant preacher who took a wrong exit leaving Atlanta and ended up at the TD Banknorth Garden when he was pulled into the Ted Williams Tunnel by the gravitational force of Boston's Big Dig, volunteered to minister to Pierce by "laying-on of hands", a faith-healing technique.

"Double-team Bryant--Gasol's no offensive creationist."

Lakers' coach Phil Jackson expressed skepticism over Pierce's injury, calling it a "pants malfunction" and a "broken drawstring" in a post-game interview. "People are comparing him to Willis Reed," Jackson said, referring to Game 7 of the 1970 NBA Finals in which his New York Knick teammate returned to action after a half-time heart transplant and vasectomy. "Compared to Willis, Pierce is a wuss."

Willis Reed, 1970 NBA Finals

But Pierce bristled at the suggestion. "I listen to rap, he listens to the Grateful Dead," Pierce said as he sat in the whirlpool. "You tell me who's a wuss."

Copyright 2008, Con Chapman

BOSTON.  When the Red Sox returned to Boston last night from a road trip that saw outfielder Manny Ramirez join baseball's elite 500 home run club at Baltimore's Camden Yards, the slugger seemed distant, his mind elsewhere, as he was greeted by fans at Logan Airport.  "I got a promise to keep," was all he would say to a reporter who thrust a microphone in his face, paraphrasing Robert Frost, whom Ramirez adopted as his idol after discovering the flinty New England poet had urged readers to take the road less traveled.

Ramirez and Frost:  The poet had fewer strikeouts, but also a lower OBP.

Ramirez was deeply moved by a visit to Baltimore's St. Jude's Childrens Hospital, where he met ten year-old Timmy Kavanaugh who suffers from Osgood Schlatter's Disease, a knee ailment that primarily afflicts young boys.  Kavanaugh was unimpressed by the slugging outfielder's five hundredth home run--"Any mook can take some steroids and do that!" Timmy yelled as Ramirez walked by his bed--and the two struck up a conversation.

Ouch!

As Ramirez prepared to go, he asked if there was anything he could do to ease the boy's suffering.  Kavanaugh closed his eyes, gritted his teeth, and in a voice that was barely a whisper, said "Could you--run out a ground ball for me?"

"There's a ground ball to short--Manny watches it go . . ."

"Sure, kid," Ramirez replied, his voice betraying emotion.  "I can't do it," the boy continued, tears filling his eyes.  "I want you to do it for me."

"What's Manny doing?"

So groundskeepers were surprised this morning when they found Ramirez harnessed to a Fenway Park lawnmower, pulling the bulky implement around the base path to strengthen his hamstrings in anticipation of an all-out sprint down the first base line the next time he hits an infield grounder. 

"Run, Manny, run!"

"There's no doubt Manny can do it physically," said manager Terry Francona.  "He just needs to focus on the job in front of him when he doesn't hit a home run and like, you know, start running."

But his teammates aren't so sure.  "If I made $18 million dollars a year," said backup catcher Kevin Cash, who is not related to the currency Ramirez is paid with, "I'd need a lot of time to figure out what to spend it on."

Copyright 2008, Con Chapman