LOS ANGELES. A look at the box score to Tuesday night's game 3 of the NBA finals was as revealing as the clipboard at the end of a hospital patient's bed, according to Dr. Wu Yi Lee, a physician at Massachusetts General Hospital a court-length pass away from the TD Banknorth Garden. "Big Ticket has Ralph Sampson's Disease," Lee said. "He need to take it to hole."
The right way
Ralph Sampson was a number one draft pick out of the University of Virginia who was expected to transform the game when he was paired with Hakeem Olajuwon in the Houston Rockets' "Twin Towers" offense. The 7' 4" inch Sampson opted for mid-range jump shots over low-post moves, however, and never realized his potential, causing college basketball scouts to apply the name "Ralph Sampson's Disease" to a big man's phobia of driving to the basket.
World's Largest Point Guard
Garnett was fouled only twice in Game 3, four times in Game 2 and 6 times in Game 1, causing Celtics trainer Ed Lacerte to call for help from high-powered basketball pathologists at Mass General, a hospital that has treated other NBA greats for ailments such as Iverson's Rock-Retentive Syndrome, colloquially known as "Ball Hog's Disease".
Dr. Lee: "Take two Dance Team members and call me in the morning."
Garnett's long-term prognosis is good, but he is day-to-day in terms of his ability to overcome the limitations of the disease, says Lee. "He is one very lucky man," Lee said. "Medical conditions named after athletes can be fatal, like Lou Gehrig's disease, although Sampson ended up in the Spanish League with Unicaja Ronda, which merely sounds like it could kill you."
HOUSTON. When the Houston Rockets looked in the mirror the morning after a 100-88 loss to the Philadelphia 76ers last night, they probably didn't like what they saw. They're in fourth place in the Southwest Division of the Western Conference, and Tracy McGrady left the game in the second half with a sprained right ankle.
Afterwards Yao Ming challenged McGrady to step up his game or step down as team leader. Yao's complaint? "T-Mac has no liver," the Chinese center told reporters, speaking without a translator.
"What's he talking about?" was McGrady's reaction. "If I didn't have a liver how the hell could I convert glucose into glycogen?"
The liver, without onions.
Asked to elaborate, Yao explained that the Chinese consider the liver--not the heart--to be the seat of human emotions and the source of inner strength. "For 4,000 years Chinese know that emotions go as liver goes. T-Mac should suck it up--that is all I am saying."
Heart = Liver
Yao substantiated his claim by showing reporters a pirated Chinese CD of the mid-70's girl group "Heart". The rock band's name was translated as "Liver".
Battier: "No, seriously--you can have one of my livers."
The charges are sure to divide a team desperately in need of unity. Shane Battier came to McGrady's defense and pledged to donate one of his livers to the Rocket's leading scorer. When informed that the human body contains only one such organ, Battier rescinded his offer. "I thought they were like kidneys--you know, everybody starts out with a pair."
Coach Rick Adelman suggested that McGrady take time off to deal with his personal issues, and Yao seconded that notion. "He should go to China where harvested body parts are plentiful. He could get a liver for the price of Peking duck at a good restaurant."
DENVER. Tempers flared in the Denver Nuggets' huddle during Saturday night's game against the Houston Rockets after Kenyon Martin learned the meaning of Chinese characters tattooed on Allen Iverson's neck.
"I'm shopping at Target from now on!"
"I saw Yao Ming laughing in the lay-up line during warm-ups and I asked him what was so funny," Martin said. "He told me Allen's tattoo means 'Power Forward Stinky Pants'."
Iverson denied the allegation, noting that Chinese ideographs often have multiple meanings. "Everybody knows that the symbol for 'crisis' is the same as 'opportunity'," The Answer responded to questions from reporters. "Everybody but K-Mart. That's why I shop at Target."
"My pants do not stink."
Yao acknowledged that his translation might have been too literal. "If the tattoo appeared on his bicep the more likely translation would be 'Strong Muscle, Smelly Pits'," the Houston center said through an interpreter. "Mr. Iverson should have consulted with a knowledgeable interpreter before paying for a permanent mark on such a visible part of his body."
"No, seriously. It means 'Pork Fried Rice'."
The flap has raised the possibility that other Nuggets' players may be sending coded messages to their teammates through tattoos as well. Team officials said they would send center Marcus Camby to a Sino-American language expert for a translation of Chinese characters on his upper arms. Camby has long maintained that his markings were copied from a take-out menu and mean "Free Delivery For Order Over Ten Dollar."
BIRMINGHAM, Alabama. Charles Barkley's revelation that he's lost $10 million gambling over the years has led to an outpouring of support in his hometown, where locals point to the good he's done for numerous charities.
"He's one of our biggest supporters," says Children's Hospital CEO Mack Doolin, M.D. "We're going to stick with him until he licks this thing. He just needs to learn how to set limits," says Doolin, who has counseled others with addictions.
And so Doolin is at Barkley's side as he enters Leeds Elementary School to participate in "Spring Fling", a fund-raiser for its PTO. "It's a baby step," says Barkley, "but I've got to start out small."
Barkley draws a crowd of excited fans as he steps up to the Wheel O' Fun, where fifty cents entitles a player to a spin for a toy or stuffed animal. "Fifty thousand on the red," Barkley says before Doolin can intervene. "One ticket at a time, Charles," he says, and the man known as "The Round Mound of Rebound" during his playing days with the Sixers, Suns and Rockets agrees.
"Okay," Barkley says sheepishly, before laying down two quarters and winning a noisemaker that makes an annoying "clackety-clack" sound. "I'm gonna shake this sucker in Trey Wingo's face next time he asks me an embarassing question on SportsCenter," Barkley says with a mischievous grin.
He moves on to the Action Figure Fishin' Hole, where children drop a pole behind a bed sheet and the school's fourth grade class officers attach a plastic superhero to the hook. "I want one of them Ninja Turtles," Barkley says. Behind the sheet, Nancy Rouchka, class president, giggles as she picks Kimberly, the Pink Power Ranger, from a cardboard box and puts it on the line. When Barkley sees his girlish prize he explodes at Rouchka, causing Assistant Principal Morris Byrum to come running across the cafeteria.
"What's going on here?" Byrum asks in an excited tone as the class president sobs loudly. "What kinda clip joint are you running here?" Barkley yells at the hapless administrator, before picking him up and tossing him onto the conveyor belt that takes dirty plates back to the dishwasher.
Barkley moves on to the Pez Dispenser Ring Toss, where he decides to try for the Popeye model. "I like that dude 'cause he's like me--I am what I am." Barkley plunks down ten dollars for twenty rings, but he soon needs to buy more as he collects Batman, Spiderman and Snoopy--but no Popeye.
A half hour later Barkely is down $50 when Doolin intervenes. "C'mon, Charles--just walk away--okay?" he says as he takes a roll of quarters from the former Dream Team member and leads him out of the building.
Even though he always said he wasn't a role model, the kids are sad to see him go. "I wanna be as good as him when I grow up," says third-grader Tyrone Williams. "Not everybody makes it to the NBA," his dad cautions him.
"Not at basketball," Tyrone says. "Texas Hold 'Em!"
Con Chapman is a Boston-area writer. He is the author of "The Year of the Gerbil: How the Yankees Won (and the Red Sox Lost) the Greatest Pennant Race Ever," a history of the 1978 AL East pennant race, and a number of plays, including "Number One Hockey Mom," "Please, Pope," and "What Mickey Belle Isle Told You," a trilogy about hockey (JAC Publishing). His work is available on Amazon Shorts (at 49 cents a dowload), and he writes on sports for Flak Magazine.
