NEW YORK. He was the longest of long shots--longer than Joe Namath's Jets--and for that reason he is today the toast of the town. One hundred winners had preceded him, but never before had his team won it all.
How sweet it is!
"Yeah baby!" shouted Sam de Franza, a sanitation worker from Flushing, Queens, as the champ rolled past in a Cadillac convertible he won as the top dog in the country. "This is for all the #### we've had to put up with all these years!"
"Please--curb your dogs!"
The celebration came to a stop outside Gracie Mansion, the mayor's residence and a silent film star of the thirties, where crowds began to chant "Uno-Uno-Uno", expressing the city-wide sentiment that the underdog had indeed proven he was number one.
Gracie Mansion: "Please don't pee on the tulips!"
Uno, a black and tan beagle nearing his third birthday, had just been named "Best in Show" at the Westminster Kennel Club show, the first beagle in the 69 year history of the "World Series of Dogs" to win it all. "Sixty-nine years, baby!" Uno shouted to the crowd as he accepted a dog biscuit in the shape of a key to the city from Mayor Michael Bloomberg. "That's 483 dog years!"
"I can't believe I lost to that mutt!"
Uno had attracted big bets from New Yorkers who viewed the favorite, a standard poodle, as overrated and vulnerable to the beagle's short stride on the Westminster green carpet. "There's a lot of bookies licking their you-know-whats this morning!" Bloomberg said to roars of approval, milking the moment for all its political value.
"Let's try the hook 'n ladder play--on two. Break!"
Uno says he will take some time off after playing in the Dog Bowl, an all-star affair pitting east and west coast breeds against each other in Hawaii, a post-season tradition. Then it will be back to the film room to see how he can improve his game for next season. "You want to run with the big dogs," he says in his native southern accent, "you got to get off the porch."
GLENDALE, Arizona. Concerned about the risk of career-ending injuries, former pro quarterback Archie Manning today announced that his sons Peyton and Eli would retire from football and stand at stud for sports-crazy parents who want to produce future signal callers from his proven bloodline.
"I get the blonde."
"I don't want my boys to get sacked like Joe Theismann and have to be put down to the role of television color commentator," Manning said. "They can make just as much money servicing broodmares--I mean housewives--all over the country and never throw another interception."
"I'm sorry Joe--we're going to have to put you to sleep."
The market for athletic stud services is young, but equine syndicators estimate that it could become a billion-dollar business in just a few years. "People are willing to pay good money to get sperm from Nobel Prize winners," said Blakemore Jones of Kentucky's Post Time Thoroughbreds. "Which would you rather have--a kid who's an NFL quarterback or one who's a gloomy Norwegian novelist?"
Sigrid Undset, Gloomy Norwegian Novelist, 1928 Nobel Prize Winner in Literature
Following the New York Giants' victory over the New England Patriots in Super Bowl XLII, the Mannings are the first brothers to win back-to-back professional football championships, and their market price is probably at its peak. Otto Graham led the Cleveland Browns to the championship of the All-America Football Conference in 1948, the year after his mother served as the team's signal caller.
Otto Graham: "Aw, Mom--do I have to run the naked bootleg?"
The Manning brothers say they won't mind leaving football behind for the bordello. "You ever seen Dwight Freeney?" asked Eli Manning, referring to his brother's pass-rushing teammate. "One missed block and that guy tears me apart like a half-price bucket of chicken wings."
Con Chapman is a Boston-area writer. He is the author of "The Year of the Gerbil: How the Yankees Won (and the Red Sox Lost) the Greatest Pennant Race Ever," a history of the 1978 AL East pennant race, and a number of plays, including "Number One Hockey Mom," "Please, Pope," and "What Mickey Belle Isle Told You," a trilogy about hockey (JAC Publishing). His work is available on Amazon Shorts (at 49 cents a dowload), and he writes on sports for Flak Magazine.
