Before he perfected the sport of "Basket Ball", James Naismith experimented with several other indoor games, including "Hylo Ball" and "Scruggy Ball". Associated Press.
AL MICHAELS: Good afternoon everybody and welcome to Game One of the National Scruggy Ball Association Finals. I'm Al Michaels and with me today is former NSBA coaching great Hubie Brown.
Michaels: Played scruggy ball in high school.
HUBIE BROWN: Great to be here, Al.
MICHAELS: You know, these two teams have reached the ultimate stage in professional scruggy ball by very different routes.
Brown: Two-time NSBA Coach of the Year.
BROWN: That's right, Al. The San Antonio Armadillos will snuff out your offense with a smothering defense that uses fire extinguishers on the wings, forcing you to take low-percentage shots or drive the lane where they can defend better using O'Cedar mops and brooms.
MICHAELS: And how about the Detroit Lakers?
BROWN: They play a very up-tempo game, using the sideline catapult and those Super Soaker water guns to beat you on the transition.
Super Soaker: Do not use with a half-court offense.
MICHAELS: Let's hope San Antonio can slow them down so we can stay dry. Any individual match-ups we should focus on?
"With their first pick, the Boston Shamrocks select Chauncey Billups from the University of Colorado, the best available niblick."
BROWN: Well, at the point niblick for Detroit you've got Chauncey Billups, who was Mr. High School Scruggy Ball in Colorado. When San Antonio is in a man-to-man you'll see Bruce Bowen, a defensive specialist for the Armadillos, all over him like a wet tee-shirt.
Bowen: "Just try and scrunge past me, sucker!"
MICHAELS: But Billups has a lot of NSBA Finals experience . . .
BROWN: That's right--plus in scruggy ball you should never bet against a guy with a name like a British chauffeur.
BOSTON. May 12, 2006, is a day which will live in infamy in the history of the Boston Celtics. On that rainy Friday, the team announced that it had ended its holdout and would join the rest of the NBA in the twenty-first--actually, make that the twentieth--century, and hire dancing girls to entertain fans.
Red Auerbach, who coached the team to eight straight championships between 1959 and 1966 and nine overall, was the last obstacle to the team's decision to abandon its Puritanical attitude towards bare midriffs and shaking bootys on the parquet floor. "I've always been against it," he said, "and I'm still against it."
Rich Gotham, the Celtics' Executive Vice President for Sales and Marketing, tried to smooth things over by telling reporters "We always call [Auerbach] and ask what he thinks." Just like you used to ask your parents if it was okay to get a head start on responsible drinking by having a beer when you were sixteen.
When Red broke into the NBA in 1949 as coach of the Tri-Cities Blackhawks (three cities later, the Atlanta Hawks), there were no such things as dancing girls, or EVP's of Sales and Marketing.
Red's resistance was worn down, or ignored, and so on Saturday, June 10th, tryouts will be held at the Celtics' training facility in Waltham, Mass., for roster spots with the dance troupe that the marketing gurus have creatively dubbed the "Celtics Dancers". Apparently the name "Shamrockettes" raised legal issues.
Red said he had "nothing against the concept, but there should be a little tradition involved." So here's a suggestion--let the girls dance, but make them wear a badge of shame. After all, if sex isn't forbidden or at least a little furtive, is it really any fun?
Did you honestly want to see Ward and June Cleaver in the same bed on "Leave it to Beaver"?
Boston has been known as a city where eroticism has been frowned on since the days of the Pilgrims. When Hester Prynne got knocked up by Arthur Dimmesdale in Nathaniel Hawthorne's "The Scarlet Letter", she received the first team-logo gear in American history, a patch of fabric bearing the letter "A" for "Adultery" that she had to wear on her breast.
The phrase "Banned in Boston" became widely-known as a result of efforts by the New England Watch and Ward Society to keep burlesque shows and other fleshy entertainments out of town. The designation became the literary equivalent of the Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval in reverse--if your book, film, etc. wasn't racy enough to earn the ban, it probably wasn't worth buying.
So when the Celtics Dancers hit the floor for their first timeout--full or 20-second--this fall, let them each wear a letter (or maybe a number) to signify their particular preference or specialty. When your kids ask what they mean, tell them it's kinda like Sesame Street.
For years Bostonians have been telling out-of-towners that they should eat at Durgin Park, a frisbee toss from the statue of Red Auerbach in the fashionable Quincy Market area. The restaurant's slogan was "Your grandfather and perhaps your great-grandfather dined with us too!" What they don't tell you is that your male ancestors also flirted with your waitress, who is eligible for Social Security and wears support hose. It's kind of a local hoax we play.
When Hooters tried to open up a restaurant across the street from the Celtics' home court a few years ago, the mammary-themed eating chain drew protestors known historically in Boston as "bluestockings"--that is, high-minded types who butt in whenever a moral outrage is about to occur.
Where the hell were they when Rick Pitino traded Chauncey Billups?
CLEVELAND, Ohio. As Rasheed Wallace walked off the floor at Quicken Loans Arena last night following Detroit's 74-72 loss to the Cleveland, he faced massive liabilities. He had guaranteed that the Pistons would win and that the Cavaliers would play for the last time this season in front of their home fans, and his detractors smelled blood in the water.
"The federal Magnuson-Moss Warranty Act imposes significant penalties on interstate businesses that fail to live up to their promises," said Wallace's attorney, Morton Sokolow. "Rasheed could have been in deep doo-doo."
But thanks to Sokolow's advice, Wallace minimized his exposure with a "pre-packaged" plan under which fans will receive minimal payouts based on their age and the amount they invested, financially and emotionally, in a Pistons' victory. Meanwhile attorneys for the parties will take home millions, as is often the case with consumer class actions.
"Back off, jack--I got a prepack," Wallace barked at a fan as he made his way into the visitors' locker room.
Under the plan, fans under five years old will receive a tub of Artgum Modeling Clay. "Artgum is top of the line," Wallace told reporters. "You can make anything with it--dinosaurs, puppies--you name it." Fans aged five to ten will receive two boxes of "Mike and Ike", the fruit-flavored candy. "I like that stuff, man," Wallace said. "It's got vitamin C in it," he asserted, before Sokolow cut him off. "Strike that from the record," the lawyer said to members of the press, and then in a sidebar to his client, "Rasheed--no more substantive claims."
Teenagers and fans in their twenties will receive a twelve-piece box of Mrs. Paul's Fish Sticks, tender haddock fillets rolled in a crisp, golden-brown coating. "Mrs. Paul and I go way back," Wallace said when he heard groans from reporters. "Young people oughta be eatin' more fish instead of all them hamburgers and french fries."
Adults will receive coupons good for a mail-in rebate on a family-size bag of Cool Ranch Doritos, unless they wagered on the outcome of the game, in which case they will receive nothing. "Gambling's illegal," Sokolow pointed out.
Sokolow and his firm will receive $10 million in fees, and counsel for affected fans will split $12 million that Wallace found behind the sofa cushions in his living room.
DENVER. Nuggets' power forward Kenyon Martin was in stable condition today after a team of doctors worked through the night to graft skin from his calves and buttocks onto his upper arms to give him critically-needed space for more tattoos.
"Kenyon should be all right," said Dr. Amelia Rogers, Head of Plastic Surgery at Denver General Hospital. "We were able to give him another nine square inches of epidermis in the bicep areas, which will permit him to mark up his body like a toddler's coloring book for many years to come."
In a recent response to a fan's question on the team's "Ask A Nugget" on-line forum, Martin said that he had "like nineteen or twenty tattoos," with his favorite being the image of his son on his right bicep.
The NBA does not keep statistics on tattoos, although it is considering a "tattoo cap" similar to the salary cap in place under the league's current collective bargaining agreement. Teams could trade a heavily-tattooed center for a guard from Brigham Young, for example, thereby freeing up space to make acquisitions or sign a draft pick.
Other NBA players expressed sympathy when they learned of Martin's hospitalization. "Man, that day is coming for all of us," said Rasheed Wallace of the Pistons, who has a tattoo of the sun on his right shoulder. "Suppose they discover a solar system close to ours? I might not have enough room left for another luminous celestial body."
Tattoos were invented by the Maoris, a Polynesian aboriginal group native to New Zealand. The Maoris play a game called "Ki-o-rahi," which is noted for imaginative handling and passing of a "ki" or ball. They are great admirers of Speedy Claxton, the New Orleans-Oklahoma City point guard, and follow the NBA by short-wave radio.
Maori tribal leader Nga Tamatoa wished Martin a speedy recovery in a letter delivered to him in the hospital this morning. "May the Great Power Forward heal quickly," Tamatoa wrote, "so that you may acquire much bling to the end of your days."
Con Chapman is a Boston-area writer. He is the author of "The Year of the Gerbil: How the Yankees Won (and the Red Sox Lost) the Greatest Pennant Race Ever," a history of the 1978 AL East pennant race, and a number of plays, including "Number One Hockey Mom," "Please, Pope," and "What Mickey Belle Isle Told You," a trilogy about hockey (JAC Publishing). His work is available on Amazon Shorts (at 49 cents a dowload), and he writes on sports for Flak Magazine.
