BOSTON.  Concerned that the Cleveland Indians' use of flying insects made the difference in their Division Series triumph over the New York Yankees, the Boston Red Sox today began preparations for the American League Championship Series by ordering four hundred pounds of mini shrimp that coaches will toss at pitchers to gird them for an expected onslaught of the bugs, known as "midges".

"Don't inhale this stuff unless you want to end up like Steve Howe."

"I thought midge was somebody my wife played bridge with," manager Terry Francona told reporters.  "They threw Joba Chamberlain off his game, so they must be pretty powerful."

A midge who does not play bridge.

Midges, also known as "Canadian soldiers", are tiny flying insects that bedeviled Yankee pitchers in game 2 of the series, causing star rookie reliever Chamberlain to throw two wild pitches in the eighth inning, allowing Grady Sizemore to score the tying run.

Mini-shrimp, if that isn't redundant.

Midges are common along the shores of Lake Erie where the Indians' home field is located, but are unknown in New England.  Sox officials settled on mini-shrimp as the closest approximation to the gnat-like pests that New England had to offer.  "There are a lot of roaches in the student apartments around Fenway," said Sox pitching coach John Farrell, "but we couldn't find anybody willing to go in and get them."

Kucinich:  "Running for President is a great way to meet bodacious women."

In the late 1970's when Democratic Presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich was Mayor of Cleveland, a heavily-polluted Lake Erie caught fire, causing fans to refer to the Indians' former home field as "The Mistake by the Lake".  Kucinich still bristles at the implications of that nickname.

"Lake Erie is a clean-burning, natural fuel."

"The lake did not catch fire by mistake," Kucinich says.  "It was by accident, and there's a big difference."

NEW YORK.  Nanotechnology, the science of incredibly teensy-tiny things, promises to transform our lives over the coming years with sub-atomic robots that can download songs directly to the human brain.  For now, however, nano-scientists say they are satisfied to have achieved the first tangible evidence of the field's potential, recording post-season batting statistics for New York Yankees' third baseman Alex Rodriguez.

Alex Rodriguez

"Come October, A-Rod hits like an American League pitcher batting in the World Series for the first time all year," says Columbia University scientist Morris Schonfeld.  "It's a real challenge to detect anything at all."

"If you look closely, you can see his RBI's in there somewhere."

Rodriguez is affectionately known as "Mr. Regular Season" by Yankees fans for his post-season productivity, often driving in a run a decade.  "At that pace," noted Lou Berloni of Yonkers, "he'll be in double figures before you know it."

"You need to highlight your cheekbones--they're terrific!"

Rodriguez is also popular among players, who says his role as self-appointed spokesman for the game is as refreshing as a kid who volunteers to take names when a teacher leaves the classroom.  "What's not to like?" asks Boston's Jason Varitek, who struck up a pen-pal relationship with Rodriguez after a 2004 misunderstanding in which the Red Sox catcher's attempt to give the man they call "A-Rod" some metrosexual advice on moisturizing was misinterpreted as aggression. 

"If I take care of myself, I think I have a chance to be the best-looking Yankee of all time."

Nanotechnologists were able to confirm Rodriguez's post-season impact after his seventh-inning home run in the Yankees' series-ending loss to the Cleveland Indians, ending his incredible streak of 57 post-season at-bats without an RBI.  "You can't measure nothing, so that helped," noted Brian Staub, a lab technician at New York University's Center for Nanotechnology Studies.  "On the other hand, the only guy he ever seems to drive in is himself."