CLEVELAND. Jerry Burke is a Massachusetts State Policeman who hasn't played basketball since he was starting point guard for the St. Columbkill's seventh-grade Gremlins in Brighton, a working-class neighborhood of Boston, yet he found himself accompanying the Boston Celtics, the holders of the best regular-season record in the NBA, as they made their way through Cleveland Hopkins International Airport this morning.
Jerry, second from left, in his prime.
"It's a real thrill for me," he says as boards the team's chartered bus, "but I have to keep my mind on my job, so I can't really savor the moment."
Jerry, on the job
Jerry's job is to protect the Celtics as they face Cleveland in game six of the Eastern Conference semifinals tonight, a task made tougher by the fact that Gloria James, mother of Cavaliers' star LeBron, has been added to Cleveland's playoff roster as a defensive "enforcer" assigned to inflict physical punishment on any opposing player who roughs up her son.
"Mom, don't embarrass me!"
"Gloria is an essential part of our game plan," says Cleveland coach Mike Brown, referring to the off-the-bench spark she added in game four, taking on Paul Pierce after a hard foul by the Celtics' small forward on her son. "You don't come into a mother's house and mess with her son, that's all I'm saying."
"Momma--you got to rotate to the weak side!"
Mother-son tag-teams were permitted in the American Basketball Association along with red, white and blue basketballs, but the NBA forced the ABA to drop the practice in much the same manner that the federal government forced Utah to abandon polygamy as a condition of statehood.
Marvin "Bad News" Barnes
The most famous maternal enforcer in the ABA was Toinette Barnes, mother of Marvin "Bad News" Barnes, who played with the Spirits of St. Louis. She is credited with teaching her son the signature "tire iron" move he used on a Providence College teammate, an incident that resulted in Barnes' suspension. As he left the locker room in his street clothes, Barnes said "News be back 'cause his fans be demandin' it," a quotation sometimes incorrectly attributed to General Douglas MacArthur upon his recall from Korea by President Harry Truman. What MacArthur actually said was "You can take the general out of Korea, but you can't make him drink."
CLEVELAND, Ohio. As Rasheed Wallace walked off the floor at Quicken Loans Arena last night following Detroit's 74-72 loss to the Cleveland, he faced massive liabilities. He had guaranteed that the Pistons would win and that the Cavaliers would play for the last time this season in front of their home fans, and his detractors smelled blood in the water.
"The federal Magnuson-Moss Warranty Act imposes significant penalties on interstate businesses that fail to live up to their promises," said Wallace's attorney, Morton Sokolow. "Rasheed could have been in deep doo-doo."
But thanks to Sokolow's advice, Wallace minimized his exposure with a "pre-packaged" plan under which fans will receive minimal payouts based on their age and the amount they invested, financially and emotionally, in a Pistons' victory. Meanwhile attorneys for the parties will take home millions, as is often the case with consumer class actions.
"Back off, jack--I got a prepack," Wallace barked at a fan as he made his way into the visitors' locker room.
Under the plan, fans under five years old will receive a tub of Artgum Modeling Clay. "Artgum is top of the line," Wallace told reporters. "You can make anything with it--dinosaurs, puppies--you name it." Fans aged five to ten will receive two boxes of "Mike and Ike", the fruit-flavored candy. "I like that stuff, man," Wallace said. "It's got vitamin C in it," he asserted, before Sokolow cut him off. "Strike that from the record," the lawyer said to members of the press, and then in a sidebar to his client, "Rasheed--no more substantive claims."
Teenagers and fans in their twenties will receive a twelve-piece box of Mrs. Paul's Fish Sticks, tender haddock fillets rolled in a crisp, golden-brown coating. "Mrs. Paul and I go way back," Wallace said when he heard groans from reporters. "Young people oughta be eatin' more fish instead of all them hamburgers and french fries."
Adults will receive coupons good for a mail-in rebate on a family-size bag of Cool Ranch Doritos, unless they wagered on the outcome of the game, in which case they will receive nothing. "Gambling's illegal," Sokolow pointed out.
Sokolow and his firm will receive $10 million in fees, and counsel for affected fans will split $12 million that Wallace found behind the sofa cushions in his living room.
Con Chapman is a Boston-area writer. He is the author of "The Year of the Gerbil: How the Yankees Won (and the Red Sox Lost) the Greatest Pennant Race Ever," a history of the 1978 AL East pennant race, and a number of plays, including "Number One Hockey Mom," "Please, Pope," and "What Mickey Belle Isle Told You," a trilogy about hockey (JAC Publishing). His work is available on Amazon Shorts (at 49 cents a dowload), and he writes on sports for Flak Magazine.
