CARACAS, Venezuela. President Hugo Chavez today threatened the United States with an embargo on the export of shortstops until Venezuelan native David Concepcion, a five-time Gold Glove winner for the Cincinnati Reds' "Big Red Machine" teams of the 1970's, is inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame.
"The big medal is for Most Improved Right Fielder."
"Venezuela produces the world's most beautiful women and the best shortstops," Chavez said to a cheering crowd at the presidential palace in Caracas. "Let the Yanqui oppressors try to get by with their little David Ecksteins and Freddie Pateks."
Freddie Patek, world's shortest shortstop
On Monday Chavez took out a full-page ad in USA Today touting Concepcion's Hall of Fame candidacy and praising other Venezuelan shortstops such as Luis Aparicio and Miquel Cabrera. The socialist dictator has become increasingly eccentric over the past few years, calling for an end to presidential term limits and ordering the nation's clocks to be moved forward by a half hour. "He kept missing the Web Gems segment on SportsCenter," said Marvin Schaeffer, who covers Latin America for The New York Post.
Dave Concepcion
In addition to shortstops, Venezuela is a major exporter of petroleum, which is marketed in the United States under the "Citgo" brand. The company is perhaps best known in America for the sign in Boston's Kenmore Square that is visible to spectators in Fenway Park.
The Citgo Sign
Conspiracy theorists have speculated that Chavez uses the sign to disrupt the play of non-Venezuelan infielders such as former Red Sox shortstop Nomar Garciaparra and current Boston second baseman Dustin Pedroia, who has developed "Garciaparra Syndrome", a disorder characterized by obsessive fiddling with batting gloves. Chavez has issued perfunctory denials of that charge, citing the writings of left-wing linguist Noam Chomsky as evidence that America is to blame for world poverty, teenage acne and Johnny Pesky's failure to throw out Enos Slaughter in the 1946 World Series.
"You think I'm wacked--read some Noam Chomsky."
Democratic Senator John Kerry issued a statement deploring the Bush administration's failure to maintain sufficient reserves to see America through a shortstop shortage, saying "When I was a boy growing up watching Eddie Yost play shortstop for the Red Sox, whom among us would have thought that America would ever lose its position as the birthplace of the world's greatest 'hot corner' men?"
Eddie Yost
In the 2004 presidential race Kerry identified Yost, who played for the Washington Senators, the Detroit Tigers and the Los Angeles Angels, as his favorite Red Sox player.
NEEDHAM, Mass. In this quiet suburban town west of Boston, fathers bring their kids to Great Plain Avenue on Saturday mornings to buy, sell and trade baseball cards at two competing dealers situated across the street from each other. "It's great fun for my boys, and it brings back memories for me," says Jim Wolfson, a mutual fund accountant.
Needham Town Hall
Beneath the surface of those innocent transactions federal regulators see a serious threat to the American economy, however, one that could cause the bull market of the past few years to come to a crashing halt if the prices of basic commodities such as sports memorabilia were to fall. "You have small, loosely-regulated card shops piling on debt in complex derivative transactions," says Timothy Schwermer, president of the Federal Reserve Bank of Baltimore. "It wouldn't take much--a career-ending injury to Ken Griffey, Jr. or Barry Bonds going to jail--for the whole market to collapse."
The use of leverage enables small, suburban card dealers to dramatically increase their gains from seemingly mundane transactions. "I had a kid come in here last weekend who wanted to dump all his Nomar Garciaparra stuff," says Paul ####, owner of Needham Sports Cards, "everything from a rookie card to footie pajamas." With the help of a Boston investment bank, #### was able to borrow $125 on just $10 worth of collateral--a Dennis "Oil Can" Boyd bobble-head doll--to complete the purchase.
"Oil Can" Boyd: "Why'd he call me a bobble-head?"
Omaha billionaire Warren Buffett explains that, if the value of either Garciaparra or Boyd as a long-term play drops, #### will face a "margin call" in which he will be required either to sell the Garciaparra holdings, causing the value of his purchase to drop further as supply increases, or post additional collateral. "I'm tempted to explain the concept by making a joke using Mr. Boyd's nickname," Buffett warned, "but this is a serious topic and I'm essentially a humorless man."
"Bud Selig gave this to me."
Mr. Wolfson, the accountant, says he is protecting his boys' investment through a complex series of hedging transactions that will offset any decrease in the value of their holdings by a forward purchase of Eurodollars, Texas light crude oil and Star Wars-themed Colgate toothpaste tubes.
"In any period when you have deflation of asset values," he notes, "there's always a flight to quality."
CHICAGO. In 2003, Cubs' manager Dusty Baker caused an uproar by saying that black and Hispanic players were better suited to play in the sun and heat than whites. As the 2006 season enters the dog days of August, Baker is at it again.
His latest race-based claim? "White people smell like wet dogs," the straight-shooting skipper told reporters outside the batting cage at Wrigley Field before today's game against the Cincinnati Reds. And unlike his prior assertion, this time Baker says he has an expert to back him up. "Go talk to my man up in Evanston," he said, referring to Allen Reynolds, a sociology professor at Northwestern University.
"Dusty's view is based on a stereotype, but like many prejudices it has a grain of truth to it," Reynolds said. "Upper-class white people do smell like dogs favored by the affluent, such as black labrador retrievers and Jack Russell terriers. The odor is caused by the natural fibers they wear--the people, not the dogs--and by their participation in privileged outdoor activities such as field hockey and lacrosse." He noted that the phenomenon was especially pronounced among graduates of small liberal arts colleges.
Baker, who is African-American, was unapologetic at a post-game news conference. "I'm not racist," he complained. "Wet dog smell is a good thing." Baker then compounded his original offense by telling a joke that some white reporters in attendance took exception to. "How do you spot the bride at a WASP wedding?" he asked, then paused for effect. "She's the one kissing the golden retriever!" he said to scattered laughter and a few groans.
Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig was accused of a double standard when Baker made his initial comment in 2003, since John Rocker, a white Atlanta Braves pitcher, had previously been disciplined for insensitive racial remarks while Baker went unpunished. Rocker was philosophical about Baker's latest gaffe. "I think we've all got to loosen up a little bit and not be so thin-skinned," he said by telephone. "After all, Bud Selig does smell like a dachshund."
Con Chapman is a Boston-area writer. He is the author of "The Year of the Gerbil: How the Yankees Won (and the Red Sox Lost) the Greatest Pennant Race Ever," a history of the 1978 AL East pennant race, and a number of plays, including "Number One Hockey Mom," "Please, Pope," and "What Mickey Belle Isle Told You," a trilogy about hockey (JAC Publishing). His work is available on Amazon Shorts (at 49 cents a dowload), and he writes on sports for Flak Magazine.
