MILWAUKEE, Wis. There have been ups and downs in the career of Guido, an Italian sausage who races during every game at Miller Park, but reporters who cover the Milwaukee Brewers say they've never seen him looking more dejected than he did this morning when team owner Bud Selig announced his suspension.
Guido, in the lead.
"Guys, I'd really rather not talk about it right now," Guido said as he turned towards his locker. "I'm not having a good day, okay?" he snapped at a particularly persistent reporter from the Chicago Sun-Times.
In happier times.
Guido's suspension came after he tested positive for sodium lactate, sodium diacetate and sodium erythorbate, three performance-enhancing substances that produce a traditional "hot dog" color and improved texture in sausages. "It's Guido's own fault," said Guy Randall, a sports reporter for the Milwaukee Sentinel. "He could have stuck to monosodium glutamate like the other sausages, but no--he always wanted that extra little edge."
"Say it ain't so, Guido."
The race, sponsored by Klement's Sausage Company, is held after the bottom of the sixth inning at every home game of the Milwaukee Brewers. Guido has consistently outpaced Bratt Wurst, Stosh, Frankie Further and Cinco over the years, leading some to suspect he was using drugs other than ketchup, mustard, relish and other approved condiments.
Selig: "What kind of trayfe junk is this--it's giving me heartburn!"
Selig has come under criticism for allowing the use of artificial ingredients in ballpark hot dogs to spread during his tenure, a fact that some attribute to the commissioner's dual role as baseball executive and Milwaukee-area auto dealer. "Bud brings a kosher hot dog from home for lunch every day," said Mel Warner, a reporter for Condiments Today, a trade journal that covers Major League Baseball's ketchup, mustard and relish dispensers. "He wouldn't know a nitrate if he fell over it."
ST. PETERSBURG, Florida. As the New York Yankees slipped into last place following a 5-2 loss to the first-place Tampa Bay Rays last night, Yankees' senior vice president Hank Steinbrenner said he would petition baseball commissioner Bud Selig to break up the Rays, a team he says is ruining the game through its dominance.
Steinbrenner: "It's getting out of hand."
"Do we want to end up like one of those lopsided college football rivalries where Podunk State thinks it's a big deal to beat Nebraska twice a century?" Steinbrenner asked as he kicked a stray dog and refused to sign an autograph for Timmy Salmon, a ten year-old Tampa Bay fan who dreams of working in sports management some day. "I don't think so, and I don't think the American people think I think so either."
Kazmir: "The Yankees? I get up for them by watching tapes of high school girls softball games."
The Rays took three of four games from New York, causing Steinbrenner to call a team meeting at which he bit the head off a live squirrel to demonstrate the sort of toughness he expects from his squad, which has the highest payroll among major league baseball teams and Fortune 100 manufacturers. "This place looks like the waiting room of an orthopedic clinic," Steinbrenner said, referring to the injuries that have crippled the Bronx Bombers in the early goings. "If you can't get over your testicular anemia, maybe I'll send you back down to Wilkes-Barre," where New York's Triple-A affiliate is located.
Selig: "Dear Lord, please let the Brewers sweep the Red Sox in inter-league play."
As commissioner of baseball, Selig has broad powers to take action he deems in the best interests of the game, subject to limits imposed by the collective bargaining agreement with players. "He can require players to shoot up steroids out of view of fans, for example," says sportswriter Neil Kinnel of the Bergen County Register, who covers the Yankees. "Or he could make Bartolo Colon lay off the Twinkies."
MILWAUKEE. A crowd of angry male fans descended on Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig's car dealership here yesterday to protest the so-called "Francona Rule", named after Boston Red Sox manager Terry Francona, which will prohibit managers from wearing pullover tops during games beginning with the 2008 season.
"Thanks, my wife likes my pajamas too."
"It's a slippery slope," said Milwaukee Brewers fan Rod Larkin. "Next time they'll come after fans in the park, then guys watching at home. Is this America or Iran?"
It could happen.
The rule was announced by Bob Watson, vice president of rules and on-field operations for Major League Baseball. "You can only wear your uniform top or jacket," Watson explained. "You can’t wear your nightshirt, or whatever it is. If we let guys get away with this, pretty soon Tony LaRussa will start showing up in Cardinal Slip-On Sneaker Slippers."
Selig: "Hey, I get dressed up to come to work every day--why can't Francona?"
A 2004 survey revealed that a majority of American males watch baseball in t-shirts and undershorts until the post-season, at which point they switch to sweatshirts and undershorts. Most major league ball parks do not impose a dress code on male fans unless they enter the playing field, in which case they are required to wear undershorts.
A violation of the small print on the back of your ticket.
Protestors called the new rule a breach of baseball's covenant with American males. "If I wanted to get dressed up when there's a game on," said Lon Turkel, a Chicago White Sox fan, "I'd take my wife out to dinner, and that sure as hell ain't gonna happen."
MILWAUKEE, Wisconsin. In a testy exchange with reporters today Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig announced that he would try to attend the game in which Barry Bonds breaks Hank Aaron's career home run record, but could make no promises. "I do have a day job," said Selig, who is general manager of Selig Pontiac-GMC, a car and truck dealership in Milwaukee.
"Bud, there's a Mr. Bonds for you on line 2."
Selig has been criticized for allowing players such as Bonds, Sammy Sosa and Mark McGwire to use anabolic steroids in pursuit of greating slugging power, and sportswriters have speculated that he would avoid Bonds' record-breaking game in order to deflect attention from his role in baseball's biggest scandal since Charlie Finley put a mechanical rabbit behind home plate when he owned the Kansas City Athletics.
Kansas City's Municipal Stadium: The rabbit is underground right now.
"Mr. Selig is a very busy man," said MLB spokesperson Melinda Albricht. "On Mondays he and Mrs. Selig play bridge. Tuesday nights he has meetings at his lodge, the Loyal Order of the Bratwurst."
Tuesday night lodge meetings are held here.
Selig does not currently schedule meetings or social events on Wednesday nights, according to Albricht. "America's Got Talent has gone into Las Vegas Callbacks: Part 2, and Mr. Selig left strict instructions that he was not to be disturbed."
America's Sort-of Got Talent: "Take me out to the ballgame, oh baby!"
The Seligs generally reserve Friday night to Sunday afternoon for family get-togethers, and on Sunday nights the commissioner likes to prepare for the coming work week by re-arranging his sock drawer. "It can be very embarrassing if you wear blue socks with a brown suit to work on Monday," according to Milwaukee Chamber of Commerce President Lyle Walton. "The guys will razz you about it for weeks."
"You look goofy in them socks."
But that, a reporter points out to Albricht, leaves Thursday nights open. Would the commissioner be available if Bonds is on the threshold of history on that night?
Bowling night--not to be missed.
"I'm afraid not," she replies. "That's his bowling night."
KANSAS CITY, Mo. Charlie Parker, by consensus the greatest saxophone player who ever lived, was a man of enormous appetites. "One time I saw him eat three jazz critics in a single sitting," says his friend and former bandmate Red Rodney. "He washed them down with two bottles of Mexican beer--they were kind of dry and stringy."
Charlie "Yardbird" Parker
The man known as "Yardbird" because of his fondness for chicken liked to put less savory products in his system as well; his death at the age of 34 was hastened, if not caused, by his use of heroin.
Parker's place in the pantheon of jazz immortals is secure, but the American Jazz Museum says it will begin deemphasizing Parker and other drug users in an effort to attract the sort of crowds that keep the coffers of the Baseball Hall of Fame bulging.
"Let's face it," says museum director Charles Fox, "nobody's going to bring their kids down here and blow a couple hundred bucks on t-shirts and souvenir doo-dads unless we clean up our act."
Thelonious Monk
Parker achieved musical greatness despite and not because of his drug use, but other musicians, such as pianist Thelonious Monk, are believed to owe much of their inventiveness to controlled substances they abused. "Listen to a Monk tune and you are hearing the product of a mind poisoned by marijuana," says former drug czar and compulsive gambler William Bennett.
Fox has called upon major league baseball commissioner Bud Selig to help transform his museum into a family-oriented tourist destination based on the pro-active approach the Milwaukee car dealer has used in attacking baseball's steroid problem.
"Bud's been a great help," he says. "He's pointed us more in the direction of Lawrence Welk and Guy Lombardo, two swingers from the Big Band era that we had completely overlooked."
Welk was the host for many years of a nationally-televised music show that featured wholesome dance routines and virtuoso solos by accordion whiz Myron Floren, who will be inducted into the Hall of Fame at Selig's suggestion.
"Bud's a polka nut," said Fox, "and the polka is just as hot as Bird's solos on 'Donna Lee' or 'Ornithology'."
Lombardo was the leader of a group known as "The Royal Canadians" that played in Times Square every New Year's Eve. The highlight of that performance came at midnight when the band would play "Auld Lang Syne", and the song became Lombardo's signature tune
"A lot of people don't realize it," Fox explained, "but 'Auld Lang Syne' is Scottish for 'white people's bedtime'."
MILWAUKEE, Wisconsin. A Portugese-American group today accused Major League Baseball of ethnic discrimination after league marketing officials banned Chorizo, a ####y sausage native to the westernmost country in Europe, from sausage races held at Milwaukee Brewers' home games.
"We have remained silent too long," said Gil Eanes, president of the Sociedad Para Queixa Pequeno de Portugal (Portugese Trivial Complaint Society). "Every other ethnic group gets cool stuff when they whine--porque nao nos?" (Why not us?)
Chorizo, known as "chourico" in Portugal, is a pork sausage seasoned with chili and paprika that is prepared in both picante (hot) and dulce (sweet) styles.
On July 27th a chorizo was added to the Klement's Sausage Race that is run after the sixth inning of every Brewers home games. The other contestants in the race are a hot dog, an Italian sausage, a Polish kielbasa and a German bratwurst.
MLB officials pulled the chorizo from the field just five days later, saying it had failed to obtain league approvals that are required for all new characters and promotions.
"We're not picking on him, and we're not discriminating," said MLB spokesperson Eve Adams. "We have no idea what he contains, because foreign sausage packages don't include nutrition information."
Other competitors applauded the league's move, saying they wanted to make sure the chorizo's ####y ingredients didn't include any performance-enhancing preservatives.
"You ever look at the back of the hot dog's pack?" asked the kielbasa. "I ain't sayin' I'm all natural, but he's got stuff in him that Barry Bonds won't eat."
This isn't the first time the Brewers' sausage race has been embroiled in controversy. In 2003 Pittsburgh first baseman Randall Simon swatted the Italian sausage with a bat as it headed past the Pirates' dugout. Simon was cited for disorderly conduct but ultimately not charged, as the ballplayer agreed to an out-of-court settlement. "Let's just say I won't have to worry about buns for the rest of my life," the Italian sausage said at the time.
MLB Commissioner Bud Selig declined to weigh in on the controversy, saying he needed more time to study the matter. "I want to make sure Portugal is a real country," he said. "I thought it was just a theme park, like Euro Disney."
But that wasn't good enough for Portugese activist Eanes, who screamed "Ouca va viver a sua vida com outro bem!" at Selig as the commissioner made his way through the Milwaukee Airport. Loosely translated, the traditional curse means "My parrot will never surrender the underpants he has taken from your sister!"
SEATTLE, Washington. Bowing to pressure from its Left Coast, slacker dude fan base, the Seattle Mariners today announced that the Nirvana song "Smells Like Teen Spirit" will replace "The Star-Spangled Banner" as the anthem played before the team's home games at Safeco Field.
"We're in the entertainment business, and Francis Scott Key peaked on the Billboard Jingoistic Singles Chart around 1950," said M's general manager Bill Bavasi. "Frankly, the Star-Spangled Banner is not depressing enough for Seattlians, or Seattlites, or whatever you call them."
"Smells Like Teen Spirit" was the first track and first single from Nirvana's 1991 debut album "Nevermind", and is generally credited with bringing the musical genre known as "grunge" to the attention of the world beyond Seattle. Rolling Stone Magazine ranks "Teen Spirit" ninth on its list of the 500 Greatest Songs of All Time, and the American Academy of Arts and Sciences places it ahead of Herman Melville's "Moby ####", Arthur Miller's "Death of a Salesman" and "The New Hollywood Squares" as a cultural achievement.
Conservative groups were quick to criticize the shift as indicative of the decline of patriotism in liberal "blue" states such as Washington. "This is just more evidence, in case anybody needed it, that espresso drinks are poisoning the minds of America's youth," said Wendy Davis, President of Concerned Women for America. Seattle is the headquarters of Starbucks and Seattle's Best Coffee, and leads the nation in the consumption of lattes and cappucinos.
Baseball commissioner Bud Selig said he would take no action against the team for the time being. "Most of the day-to-day problems I face running major league baseball are like teenage acne," he said in response to a reporter's question. "Ignore them and eventually they go away."
Selig said if the Mariners' experiment is a success, he would consider using the 1953 Patti Page hit "How Much Is That Doggie in the Window?" as part of opening ceremonies at Miller Park before Brewers' games. "That's my all-time favorite," he said with a wistful smile.
Mariners fans, historically a free-thinking, non-conformist group, were generally in favor of the change. "Ten years ago all cell phones sounded the same," said Evan Martin, a graduate student at the University of Washington. "Now everybody's got their own ring tone, so why shouldn't we all have different anthems?"
When it was pointed out that an anthem is intended to bind Americans together as a nation of states under a federal government headquartered in Washington, D.C., Martin was unfazed. "Dude, you're wrong. That is like a totally different Washington."
MILWAUKEE, Wisconsin. Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig told reporters here today that he won't jump to conclusions about Barry Bonds, even though the slugger's use of performance-enhancing drugs has become common knowledge with the publication of excerpts from Game of Shadows, a bookby two San Francisco Chronicle reporters.
"In fairness to Barry and to my own reputation, I have decided to avoid making a decision for as long as I possibly can," Selig said in answer to reporters' questions as he entered his auto dealership here. The hardback edition of the book costs $26, and Selig said he would wait until a cheaper paperback version became available.
Game of Shadows is due to hit stores on March 27th, but excerpts from the book by Mark Fainaru-Wada and Lance Williams have already appeared in Sports Illustrated. Charles Nichols, a spokesman for MLB, said Selig's subscription to the magazine had lapsed and would not be renewed until the Green Bay Packers won the Super Bowl again. "If the Packers win he'd renew to get one of those cool commemorative footballs, but until then, no way."
Selig is notoriously tight with money, and is often seen stuffing his pockets with condiments at fast food restaurants. "We've had to talk to him about it more than once," said Allen Wingate, manager of a Popeye's Chicken franchise in Milwaukee. "He takes paper towels back to his dealership and puts them in the restrooms."
For his part, Bonds said he wouldn't answer questions about the book and didn't intend to read it. "It took two guys to write that ####," Bond's said bitterly. "One's named 'Lance', the other has two last names, and they're from San Francisco," he added. "Not that there's anything wrong with that."
Con Chapman is a Boston-area writer. He is the author of "The Year of the Gerbil: How the Yankees Won (and the Red Sox Lost) the Greatest Pennant Race Ever," a history of the 1978 AL East pennant race, and a number of plays, including "Number One Hockey Mom," "Please, Pope," and "What Mickey Belle Isle Told You," a trilogy about hockey (JAC Publishing). His work is available on Amazon Shorts (at 49 cents a dowload), and he writes on sports for Flak Magazine.
