BOSTON. On the night the Boston Red Sox came back from a 3-1 deficit to defeat the Cleveland Indians in the American League Championship Series, local college students flooded the Fenway area in a raucous celebration that resulted in 17 arrests. In a novel use of creative sentencing, Roxbury District Court Judge Edward Redd ordered those charged with disorderly conduct to write a five-page essay about their brush with justice or face additional jail time. Gerbil Sports Network's crack team of investigative sports reporters has scooped the Boston dailies, the Drudge Report and the Sporting News, and reproduces several B+ or better papers below:
"What car?"
To the people of Boston:
First, let me say how sorry I am about the rhinoceros. Me and my homies are big fans of Ecko urban-style clothing, and we thought it would be cool if we took "Big Horn", the daddy rhino at the Franklin Park Zoo, out for a stroll down Lansdowne Street. We had no idea that the throbbing "house" music emanating from the discos would cause him to panic. I have personally reimbursed the girl who said her name was "Karen" for the pina colada that Big Horn spilled when he trampled her and her roommates trying to get to the free popcorn.
Please don't tell my parents about this--thanks.
Tyler Preston, Northeastern University
Dear Bostonians:
I can't tell you how sorry I am for burning down Fenway Park. I had no idea it was so important to so many people--it's kind of grungy looking from the outside, and I've never been inside. I just got caught up in a crowd of young people who were tired of blocking ambulances and other public safety vehicles and were looking for something funner (more fun?) to do.
The Judge said if I wrote an essay expressing my understanding of the magnitude of what I have done I would only have to spend one night in jail, which I already did, and that sounded like a pretty good deal, so here goes: To many people in New England and around the world, Fenway Park is (was) like a shrine--the place where poor sight lines, tight seats, drunken fans, expensive beer and limited parking come together to make for a fun family experience. If there is any way I can make this up to all of you that doesn't involve time, money, effort or personal hardship on my part, please let me know.
Tabitha McCord, Massachusetts College of Art
Beastie Boys
Look, I know I'm supposed to be all apologetic and stuff, but I think everybody's being hypocritical about this. I mean, isn't Boston the freaking cradle of liberty? I thought so. Well, if I remember what I learned about the Constitution in high school civics, you've got to fight for your right to party. That's the Beastie Boys Amendment, which was passed when they repealed prohibition. I didn't get into a good college without learning something!
BOSTON. Concerned that the Cleveland Indians' use of flying insects made the difference in their Division Series triumph over the New York Yankees, the Boston Red Sox today began preparations for the American League Championship Series by ordering four hundred pounds of mini shrimp that coaches will toss at pitchers to gird them for an expected onslaught of the bugs, known as "midges".
"Don't inhale this stuff unless you want to end up like Steve Howe."
"I thought midge was somebody my wife played bridge with," manager Terry Francona told reporters. "They threw Joba Chamberlain off his game, so they must be pretty powerful."
A midge who does not play bridge.
Midges, also known as "Canadian soldiers", are tiny flying insects that bedeviled Yankee pitchers in game 2 of the series, causing star rookie reliever Chamberlain to throw two wild pitches in the eighth inning, allowing Grady Sizemore to score the tying run.
Mini-shrimp, if that isn't redundant.
Midges are common along the shores of Lake Erie where the Indians' home field is located, but are unknown in New England. Sox officials settled on mini-shrimp as the closest approximation to the gnat-like pests that New England had to offer. "There are a lot of roaches in the student apartments around Fenway," said Sox pitching coach John Farrell, "but we couldn't find anybody willing to go in and get them."
Kucinich: "Running for President is a great way to meet bodacious women."
In the late 1970's when Democratic Presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich was Mayor of Cleveland, a heavily-polluted Lake Erie caught fire, causing fans to refer to the Indians' former home field as "The Mistake by the Lake". Kucinich still bristles at the implications of that nickname.
"Lake Erie is a clean-burning, natural fuel."
"The lake did not catch fire by mistake," Kucinich says. "It was by accident, and there's a big difference."
Con Chapman is a Boston-area writer. He is the author of "The Year of the Gerbil: How the Yankees Won (and the Red Sox Lost) the Greatest Pennant Race Ever," a history of the 1978 AL East pennant race, and a number of plays, including "Number One Hockey Mom," "Please, Pope," and "What Mickey Belle Isle Told You," a trilogy about hockey (JAC Publishing). His work is available on Amazon Shorts (at 49 cents a dowload), and he writes on sports for Flak Magazine.
