FOXBORO, Mass.  Last Sunday, New England Patriots fan Larry McGrory was in police custody after a SWAT team coaxed him in off the ledge of a three-story office building when he threatened to commit suicide as last year's MVP, quarterback Tom Brady, went down with a season-ending knee injury.  "He probably wouldn't have killed himself," says Sergeant Bill Hampy, "but he could have done serious damage to one of the cars in the parking lot."

"I'm gonna kill myself."

Today McGrory had to be stunned with a Taser gun after the Pats beat the favored New York Jets 19-10 on the road, as police found him trying to scale the fence at Gillette Stadium to be first in line to buy tickets for Super Bowl XLIII.  "We're going all the way, baby!" McGrory shouted.  "I've waited--what--eight months for this?"

"Yes--2 and 0!"

Students of the mass psychology of pro football rank the New England Patriots high on the bipolar fandom scale, a measure of the mood swings of a team's followers used by NFL security to prevent self-inflicted injuries by fans who stick foam #1 fingers into nostrils and other bodily orifices.  "We keep track of every team other than the Detroit Lions and the Arizona Cardinals," said Col. Jeffrey Miller, the NFL's Director of Strategic Security.  "It's unlikely anyone is going to go nuts after being in a coma for 50 years."

Mosi Tatupu and Babe Parilli

Following Brady's injury, undercover agents infiltrated several Patriot suicide cults, including the Sons of Mosi Tatupu and the Brotherhood of Babe Parilli, both of which were prepared to drink poisoned Kool-Aid, in the manner of the Guyana "Jonestown" cult in 1978, if the Patriots did not beat the spread against the Jets today.

"Go Pats!"

"Thankfully, there was no loss of life," said Foxboro's Hampy, "although a lot of money was lost by people who bet the 'over'."