KANSAS CITY, Kansas. NASCAR officials today informed representatives of Pope Benedict XVI that he would not be allowed to compete in the O'Reilly Auto Parts 250 to be held this month at Kansas Speedway because his vehicle, popularly known as "The Popemobile", violated a number of mandatory specifications.
"Sorry--I was trying to find St. Columbkill's."
"Craftsman Trucks must have four-speed manual transmissions and minimum 650 horsepower engines," said NASCAR Rules Chairman Wade Bennett. "The Popemobile is a two-door Mercedes ML 430 with an automatic tranny, a 272 horsepower engine and an illegal air scoop--end of story."
The Popemobile, fueled by divine power.
Pope Benedict expressed disappointment with the ruling, and indicated he would appeal. "Eesa notta fair they no letta me ride witha 2007 Rookie of the Year Willie Allen and thee other toppa-flite Craftsman Truck Drivers," the German pontiff said in the bad Italian accent that all popes are required to use under Roman Catholic canon law. "Letta me tella you, I was ready to whup Ron Hornaday like an ugly stepchild."
Hornaday: "You just try it, Benny-boy."
The NASCAR Craftsman Truck Series is a season-long competition in which modified production pickup trucks race for points that may be redeemed for plastic model kits or credited against time in Purgatory, a place of temporary punishment where those who die with venial, but not mortal sins on their souls are made ready for heaven. In December of 2007, NASCAR announced that the manufacturers of Craftsman tools would terminate their sponsorship after the 2008 season, fueling speculation that the Roman Catholic Church series would step into the breach.
St. Peter's Drag-a-Way, Vatican City
"We view NASCAR as a great tool to reach a demographic where we have trouble drawing parishioners," said Vatican Director of Membership Services Antonio d'Allessandro. "It is hard to recruit from socio-economic groups who believe you are the Anti-Christ."
"Why don't you turn that goofy-looking rig around and git the hell out of here."
The truck series is the only NASCAR division that does not permit "pit stops", instead using a ten-minute "halftime" break during which teams can make any changes they want to their trucks. "It eesa mucha better for an old man like me," Benedict said. "I like to take a giant grape Slurpee along to keep cool, and there's no way I could make it through the Goody's Cool Orange 500," a NASCAR Sprint Cup Series race, "without a restroom break."
Con Chapman is a Boston-area writer. He is the author of "The Year of the Gerbil: How the Yankees Won (and the Red Sox Lost) the Greatest Pennant Race Ever," a history of the 1978 AL East pennant race, and a number of plays, including "Number One Hockey Mom," "Please, Pope," and "What Mickey Belle Isle Told You," a trilogy about hockey (JAC Publishing). His work is available on Amazon Shorts (at 49 cents a dowload), and he writes on sports for Flak Magazine.
