MIAMI. As Dorrell Wright threw the ball high into the air above the court at American Airlines Arena here following the Miami Heat’s 98-96 win over the Indiana Pacers Saturday, his teammates released an audible sigh of relief.
Wright: “Whew–glad that’s over with.”
“I hope we never have to go through something like that again,” said Dwyane Wade, referring to the team’s fifteen-game losing streak, a franchise record.
Dwyane Wade: Hobbled by a silent “y” in his first name.
“Don’t be so sure,” said Shaquille O’Neal, the team’s towering center who has been slowed by an inflammation in his hip. “I think we’re in for changes of catastrophic proportions.”
O’Neal: Low-post force, rapper extraordinaire, actor, and now environmental activist.
O’Neal is referring to global warming, which is expected to raise sea levels, contibute to aggravated psoriasis in housepets, and submerge sand-filled ashtrays in hotel lobbies throughout the Miami area.
“I don’t like to make excuses,” O’Neal said, “but me and my teammates have the hottest logo in the NBA, and it’s getting harder to compete with teams from Northern latitudes like the Timberwolves and the Trailblazers.”
Peter Jacobs, a reporter for NBA Today, pointed out that the gradual increase in the earth’s temperatures seems not to have affected the Phoenix Suns, whose nickname is derived directly from the luminous celestial body at the center of the solar system, and who are in first place in their division. “They’re in the Western Conference,” O’Neal reminded him, “where certain guys think they’re so cool,” a veiled reference to his former teammate Kobe Bryant of the Lakers.
Cool!
Global warming is ranked as the number one threat to human civilization among college graduates, ahead of long lines in coffee shops and mismatched socks. Among respondents with high school degrees, global warming slips to fifth place behind “Location of truck keys” and “Whose house we gonna watch the Super Bowl at?” among other concerns.
“No way–you didn’t call ‘Glass’!”
O’Neal, who has played on four NBA championship teams, has become increasingly restless watching his team flounder while he is confined to a starring role on the ABC TV show “Shaq’s Family Challenge”, a weight-loss reality show. He turned his attention to environmental concerns after winning former vice president Al Gore’s Nobel Peace Prize in a game of H-O-R-S-E.
yea and the gun they think kills people??? here in fact i will set it down here on the table, and with out touching it..... say to it, now kill someone????? see no bullets coming out of it!!!! its just sittin here on table noone is getting hurt or killed!@!!!
Last edited by kellyscott on January 28th at 1:55 PM.
Con Chapman is a Boston-area writer. He is the author of "The Year of the Gerbil: How the Yankees Won (and the Red Sox Lost) the Greatest Pennant Race Ever," a history of the 1978 AL East pennant race, and a number of plays, including "Number One Hockey Mom," "Please, Pope," and "What Mickey Belle Isle Told You," a trilogy about hockey (JAC Publishing). His work is available on Amazon Shorts (at 49 cents a dowload), and he writes on sports for Flak Magazine.
