ST. PAUL, Minn. As the U.S. Figure Skating Championships entered their final day, America’s hopes for the 2010 Winter Olympics soared on strong pairs performances by Keauna McLaughlin and Rockne Brubaker and a flawless short program by Mirai Nagasu to take the Senior Ladies title.
Harding v. Kerrigan, 1994: The high, or low, water mark of skating sportsgirlship.
But underneath the piles of long-stemmed red roses and teddy bears that skating fans traditionally throw onto the ice after a high-scoring favorite finishes her routine, there were murmurs that the sport had taken a turn for the worse, as more competitors use “trash talking”, the verbal jousting common to pro basketball and football, in order to “psych out” their opponents.
“You skated beautifully–for someone who’s dressed like Tony the Tiger!”
“It really is sad,” said #### Button, whose forty-five year career as a figure skating commentator for ABC Sports threatens to outlast some Christmas fruitcakes. “Skating used to be a sport for ladies and gentlemen, now it’s one step above pro wrestling.”
#### Button and Christmas fruitcake: Which will last longer?
Trash-talking has increased as the stakes for amateur figure skaters have grown. Where once a skater who won an Olympic gold medal could expect a lifetime of low income and little prestige as a member of a traveling “Smurfs on Ice” show, today’s champions can reap hundreds of thousands of dollars in commercial endorsements for soups and depillatories, in addition to a career performing as the Little Mermaid for Disney on Ice.
From Smurfs to the Little Mermaid: A big upgrade.
Trash-talking figure skaters tend to focus on their opponents’ costume selection and physical attributes, with a particular vindictiveness reserved for lapses in personal grooming.
“Your ankles are fat!”
“Looks like someone forgot to shave her armpits!” Tiffany Vise said in a stage whisper directed at Keauna McLaughlin as the eventual pairs champion took the ice for her final program, causing her to miss her first salchow as she ran her hand discreetly down her bicep to check for telltale stubble.
“Is Victoria’s Secret having an after-Christmas clearance?”
“Did you get that outfit at a white trash tag sale?” McLaughlin shot back as she entered the “Kiss ‘n Cry” area where skaters wait to hear their scores. “Or did yo’ momma give it to you after she got off work at the Motel 6?”
Vise lunged at McLaughlin and the two had to be separated by officials, recalling the sport’s darkest moment, when supporters of Tonya Harding arranged for a tire-iron whack job on competitor Nancy Kerrigan. “I thought those days were behind us,” Button said, shaking his head. “If I wanted to see that kind of violence on ice, I’d watch hockey.”
CAT FIGHT!!!!!! CAT FIGHT!!!!!!!!! They should have let them have at each other. Now THAT'S what figure skating needed, trash talking amongst competitors!!
Con Chapman is a Boston-area writer. He is the author of "The Year of the Gerbil: How the Yankees Won (and the Red Sox Lost) the Greatest Pennant Race Ever," a history of the 1978 AL East pennant race, and a number of plays, including "Number One Hockey Mom," "Please, Pope," and "What Mickey Belle Isle Told You," a trilogy about hockey (JAC Publishing). His work is available on Amazon Shorts (at 49 cents a dowload), and he writes on sports for Flak Magazine.
