Christmas comes but once a year, goes the old saying, bringing panic, also fear.

That's not how you remember it?  Maybe your local pro football team has already been mathematically eliminated and your alma mater finished its season with a press conference at which the head coach said he was leaving "to spend more time with his family."  Yeah right.

If your still have a team in contention, however, you face an awful dilemma:  Continue to watch or attend games, or go shopping for a Christmas/Chanukkah/Kwanzaa/Pagan Tree Cult Holiday gift for your better half.  Or your better one-third, if you drink a lot of beer.

You could take the path of Eddie Murphy as Axel Foley in "Beverly Hills Cop"--"Here's fifty bucks, go buy yourself something nice, I haven't got time."  Don't try it--you'll never pull it off.

As a service to its readers, Gerbil Sports Network offers convenient point and click shopping to help you navigate the busy BCS-NFL stretch drive-holiday shopping season.  Here are some great gift ideas that will warm her heart and light a fire under the mistletoe!

Pink camo hat:  What's up with that?

Team logo pink camo hat:  Die-hard male fans scoff at women who wear these, but we think they're cute!  They look like something Barbie and Midge would wear if they joined G.I. Joe's battalion.  $23.95.

"Hey, Midge--'Taps' means it's time to hop in the sleeping bag."

Team Logo Scrunchy:  What's a scrunchy?  Glad you asked!  They're those things women use to make a pony tail!  One size fits all, not available in Western Conference NHL teams.  $8.95

Screaming Slingshot Superhero Chimp:  Okay, so it's not a romantic dinner at the Ritz.  It's still a lot of fun, and at only $6.99, it's a great way to save money for the expensive Valentine's Day present you're going to have to buy if you give her this for Christmas and want to have sex at some point in 2008.

Ice Skating Tickets:  Chicks dig ice skating--it must have something to do with the sequins and the tutus.  You can learn to enjoy it too, if your veterinarian got confused and neutered you instead of the cat.

"Was that a double lutz or a triple salchow?"

Thankfully, most ice skating shows are held in NHL arenas, so who's to say there won't be a little mix-up the day you buy the tickets--and end up with front-row seats to see the Boston Bruins face the St. Louis Blues!

Which will be a lot like the Ice Capades, but with helmets and mouthgards.