RICHMOND, Virginia. Michael Vick surrendered to U.S. marshalls yesterday to serve his jail term on federal dogfighting charges, but prison officials were unable to accommodate his request to begin his sentence early because no sitter has been identified to care for the Atlanta Falcons quarterback's other pets while he is incarcerated.

" . . . remember to forward Maxim subscription, turn down thermostat . . ."

"We've got a bigger responsibility than just locking people up," said Bureau of Prisons spokesman Tony Kilger. "Mr. Vick has a number of pets who could do serious damage to his carpets if left unattended."

Ant Farm

Vick's pit bulls and other fighting dogs have been given to new owners or euthanized in cases where they were determined to be too violent to be re-trained. Vick's other pets include two male cats, an ant farm, guppies and "Squawker", parrot that accompanied him to autograph shows.

"Don't jump the line--brawk!"

"Michael's not signing that junk, brawk!" Squawker says as federal Pet Enforcement Agent Tim Schaefer moves cautiously through Vick's mansion, taking an inventory of the animals who will need to be cared for. "Whoa--look at this," he says to his partner Clell Furnell, a former taxidermist who joined the PEA for the high hourly wage and federal pension that comes with it.

"What?" Furnell replies, before stopping in his tracks. "Jesus! There's clumps of fur everywhere," he says as the two cats disappear around a Barcalounger, screeching as they go.

"Here's your problem," Furnell calls out to Schaefer as he reaches the kitchen. "They're out of kitty chow," he says as he picks up an empty dish on the floor and fills it from a bag to which a Post-It note has been attached: "Do not fill bowl more than once a day--Thx, Michael." 

Vick is said to be bitter that none of his former Falcon teammates has come forward to house-sit for him while he is imprisoned. "They was all into comin' over here to play foosball and watch the big screen TV before my life fell apart," Vick complained at his sentencing hearing. "Now that I've run out of cheese curls and the cable's shut off, they're nowhere to be found."

National Foosball League

After Furnell takes care of the cats, Schaefer enters the living room where he sees a large aquarium filled with blue neon guppies. He draws closer to watch the fish at play, then recoils in horror.

"Oh my God!" he screams.

"What's the matter?" Furnell yells as he comes running into the room.

"The mommy and daddy fish are eating their babies," he says.

Furnell looks into the tank and is mesmerized by the intra-family cannibalism taking place before his eyes.

"Do you think," he says to his partner, "we could get them on the Jerry Springer Show?"

Copyright 2007, Con Chapman