PARK RIDGE, Illinois. Bowing to pressure from the Association of Secondary School Math Instructors, the Big 10 Conference today admitted that it in fact has eleven member schools, and agreed to change its name to the "Big 11" beginning with the 2009 football season.
Or maybe it's twelve.
"We have historically counted our members using our fingers, but apparently that doesn't cut it anymore," said Commissioner James E. Delany in a bitter concession speech to reporters here. "We hired a guy with a solar-powered calculator a few years back to check our numbers, but he worked indoors all the time so his thingamabob was on the fritz."
"The Buckeyes have used the run successfully on first and 11."
The eleven member schools of the "Big 10" Conference are Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Michigan, Michigan State, Minnesota, Northwestern, Ohio State, Penn State, Purdue and Wisconsin. Penn State was added in 1990, "but somebody forgot to carry the one" according to Dwight Huggins, an algebra teacher in Danville, Illinois, who has led the charge to persuade the league to have its name accurately reflect the rules of arithmetic. "Our students will need to compete in a global economy," Huggins explained. "I can just imagine the snickers they're gonna get someday when they apply for a job at an accounting firm."
"He hits the hole and improves his GPA to 3.98 yards per semester!"
Insiders suggested that Northwestern, the "smart" school in the conference, had tipped off federal Department of Education officials who threatened the league with the loss of a Bowl Championship Series spot if it did not correct its error. "They've only won the conference football championship eight times in a hundred and ten years," said Lyle Koster, who covers the Big 10 for College Football Today. "That's like what--once every twenty years?"
why change it now when they'll just have to do it again when ND joins for football in 2010?
then they'll be the "Other Big 12" for football, and the "Big 11" for all other sports.
on second thought, maybe there's huge revenue potential here with 2 different names....kinda like how the brewers (and all nfl teams it seems) keep bringing back "retro" uniforms and sell them at the merchandise stands.
Cuzz- No way that ND joins a conference and shares their $$$$. Its not happening! We have been trying for years. Would you give up that schedule and share all of those free BCS dollars? I know I wouldnt. ND has the sweetest deal in college football and I am jealous as hell.
No, no, no. This blog is all wrong. In an attempt to be more like the SEC, the Big Ten will be adding Vandy and Ole Miss (but not Miss State). Also considered for acceptance into the Big Ten are Kentucky and Tennessee, just because they're kind of already Big Ten teams now. Well, they do touch some Big Ten states.
On the way out are Illinois, Iowa, Indiana - there is no "i" in team, therefore it must be eliminated from the Big Ten as well. Name change to "B to the G, and some 10!" is still on the table for discussion.
Con Chapman is a Boston-area writer. He is the author of "The Year of the Gerbil: How the Yankees Won (and the Red Sox Lost) the Greatest Pennant Race Ever," a history of the 1978 AL East pennant race, and a number of plays, including "Number One Hockey Mom," "Please, Pope," and "What Mickey Belle Isle Told You," a trilogy about hockey (JAC Publishing). His work is available on Amazon Shorts (at 49 cents a dowload), and he writes on sports for Flak Magazine.
