NEW YORK. Nanotechnology, the science of incredibly teensy-tiny things, promises to transform our lives over the coming years with sub-atomic robots that can download songs directly to the human brain. For now, however, nano-scientists say they are satisfied to have achieved the first tangible evidence of the field's potential, recording post-season batting statistics for New York Yankees' third baseman Alex Rodriguez.
Alex Rodriguez
"Come October, A-Rod hits like an American League pitcher batting in the World Series for the first time all year," says Columbia University scientist Morris Schonfeld. "It's a real challenge to detect anything at all."
"If you look closely, you can see his RBI's in there somewhere."
Rodriguez is affectionately known as "Mr. Regular Season" by Yankees fans for his post-season productivity, often driving in a run a decade. "At that pace," noted Lou Berloni of Yonkers, "he'll be in double figures before you know it."
"You need to highlight your cheekbones--they're terrific!"
Rodriguez is also popular among players, who says his role as self-appointed spokesman for the game is as refreshing as a kid who volunteers to take names when a teacher leaves the classroom. "What's not to like?" asks Boston's Jason Varitek, who struck up a pen-pal relationship with Rodriguez after a 2004 misunderstanding in which the Red Sox catcher's attempt to give the man they call "A-Rod" some metrosexual advice on moisturizing was misinterpreted as aggression.
"If I take care of myself, I think I have a chance to be the best-looking Yankee of all time."
Nanotechnologists were able to confirm Rodriguez's post-season impact after his seventh-inning home run in the Yankees' series-ending loss to the Cleveland Indians, ending his incredible streak of 57 post-season at-bats without an RBI. "You can't measure nothing, so that helped," noted Brian Staub, a lab technician at New York University's Center for Nanotechnology Studies. "On the other hand, the only guy he ever seems to drive in is himself."
He's a great player, and I hope he ends up being the all-time HR leader, but he is the Eddie Haskell of MLB. "My, what a fetching outfit you have on today, Mr. Steinbrenner!"
About 10 or 12 years ago I asked wife what what she wanted for her birthday. She told me she wanted Alex Rodriguez. I assumed she wanted him to play shortstop for our beloved Red Sox so I asked her who she was willing to give up for him. She answered very quickly, "you". I'm not sure she even knew he played shortstop.
Last night she said it didn't matter that he was not performing at the plate as long as there were a lot of close-up camera shots of him.
Con Chapman is a Boston-area writer. He is the author of "The Year of the Gerbil: How the Yankees Won (and the Red Sox Lost) the Greatest Pennant Race Ever," a history of the 1978 AL East pennant race, and a number of plays, including "Number One Hockey Mom," "Please, Pope," and "What Mickey Belle Isle Told You," a trilogy about hockey (JAC Publishing). His work is available on Amazon Shorts (at 49 cents a dowload), and he writes on sports for Flak Magazine.
