SAN FRANCISCO. If you thought the Barry Bonds steroid scandal couldn't get any weirder, think again. The San Francisco Giants today announced that Bonds is pregnant.
Bonds: "The sonogram came back fine."
"He took too much Clomid for too long," said the team's chief internist Dr. Anthony Saglimbeni. "Father and child will be fine as long as Barry gets enough flaxseed oil."
Conte: "I guess you could say I'm the daddy!"
Clomid is a female fertility drug that Bonds used at the recommendation of Victor Conte, owner of the BALCO lab where the slugger allegedly took steroids. Clomid helps the body recover its natural ability to produce testosterone, and is believed to mask the presence of steroids.
Bell: "It'll be a Jack 'n Jill shower."
Kimberly Bell, the former girlfriend who is writing a tell-all book about Bonds, said she plans to throw a baby shower for the man who is major league baseball's all-time home run king if he doesn't go to jail first. "He won't be able to fit into his clothes soon," she said with a playful smile, "once his body catches up with the size of his head."
Boras: "Mother, father and baby are doing just fine."
Bonds' agent, Scott Boras, said the child would be named "Samantha" if it is a girl and "Mark" if a boy. "Barry was inspired to his prodigous feats by Sammy Sosa and Mark McGwire's historic home run race in 1998," Boras said, "and it's just his way of saying 'Thanks'."
Boras wouldn't say who the father was, but others have their su####ions. A reporter put the question to teammate Dave Roberts, who issued a testy denial. "Don't look at me, man," he said. "Barry #### himself."
Perhaps the father is the (former?) teammate who Barry blamed for having something in his locker. I forget his name, but maybe he had enough of Barry and decided to bend him over . . . well, never mind.
Thanks for the kind of news the mainstream media doesn't give us.
Now maybe he will get some sympathy. Will there now be a positive asterisk next to his record, indicating that he could have hit more home runs if he hadn't been on maternity leave?
Hey baseball can now start a new stat that Bonds will covet as well: the PT (Pregnancy Test).
Clomid. Does wonders for the bo-obs I hear!
Hey I think we also just learned why Bonds was so emotional during his "Bonds on Bonds" TV show that bombed! Remembering him rattling off about his family and how hard things were? *Tear*--Dr. Evil style. It was his hormones acting up!
Con Chapman is the author of "The Year of the Gerbil: How the Yankees Won (and the Red Sox Lost) the Greatest Pennant Race Ever," a history of the 1978 AL East pennant race, and "CannaCorn", a novel about minor league baseball to be published by Joshua Tree Publishing in 2009. He has written a number of plays, including "Number One Hockey Mom," "Please, Pope," and "What Mickey Belle Isle Told You," a trilogy about hockey (JAC Publishing). His articles and humor have appeared in newspapers and magazines including The Boston Globe, The Boston Herald, and The Atlantic Monthly, among others.
