ANN ARBOR, Michigan. Gary Sheffield, the outspoken outfielder for the Detroit Tigers who transformed an upper-body tic into a powerful home-run swing, was today named Director of Affirmative Action at the University of Michigan Law School, whose program of racial preferences was upheld by the U.S. Supreme Court in 2003.
"No, I don't want to be your friend, you freaking half-breed."
"When it comes to making finely-calibrated distinctions on the basis of race, Gary's the man," said Evan Caminker, Dean of the University of Michigan Law School. Caminker said Sheffield would report directly to him on issues of diversity and racial purity, but Sheffield moved quickly to correct his boss, whom he characterized as a "pasty-faced nerd who sits in a liberry" all day. "Nobody tells me how to do things," Sheffield explained to reporters. "I do things the way I gotta do them, and that's it."
The Shef's Idol: Sammy "I've Gotta Be Me" Davis, Jr.
Sheffield has been in hot water recently after saying Derek Jeter, his former teammate on the Yankees, "ain't all-the-way black." Jeter's mother is white, his father is African-American, his maternal grandfather is an Aleutian Islander and his dog is a colliedoodlekeet, a mixture of a border collie, a French poodle and a parakeet.
"When you're Gary Sheffield, you're way the hell far out in left field--all the way!"
“Jeter used to come to me and basically used to tell you what (Torre) is all about, he’s a good man, he’s this, he’s that,” Sheffield said. “But like I tell Derek Jeter, ‘That’s you. It’s one thing that they treat you a certain way — you don’t feel what other people feel, 'cause you've got a brain.’ “
Those close to him say that Sheffield's prickly temper may be due to his use of anabolic steroids, whose side effects include irritability, back acne and shriveled testicles. "You can hardly blame the guy," said Joel Upham, who covered Sheffield during his years with the Yankees. "It's not easy attracting Baseball Annies when word gets around that your shoulder blades look like a fourteen year-old's face and your testicles are the size of pistachio nuts."
Had to comment on this one because I laughed out loud at the "pasty-faced nerd" line. I think you're getting more edgy as time goes by, and edgy can be funny- unless some severe mental condition such as dementia or early senility is kicking in, in which case it's not really funny at all.
Personally I'd like to have seen Gary take over at E Michigan University. As there he'd have felt right at home. What with all, the cover ups of a rape and homicide of a female student. We'd have Gary no doubt stating that this was just another unforeseen accident that's taken place. To trivialise what clearly on his path is sour grapes. If he felt that he was so harshly dealt with by the Yankees' hierarchy. Then why not in the first place address the situation then. Rather than after having left their employment spouting off like a spoilt child ? If you can't get your own way because of what you undoubtedly feel what you were worth. Don't cry off like a bi*ch. If you were worth what you thought you're worth then you'd have been paid. Typical friggin' dumba*s athlete who believes that they're bigger than the game and always has something of relevance to say. He's about as relevant as John McCain's presidential pipedreams are at the moment. Soldier on John , perhaps you and Gary both can hit the campaign trail. He for racial intolerance or whatver he deems it is he's trying to get across. And McCain for as a voice in an ever increasing wilderness that wants to be heard.
This is a great article, but I am not sure which
comments are fact or fantasy.
Nevertheless, whiners deserve the criticism they receive. If you have a problem with somebody, you take it up with the person, and see if they call you a whiner. If you take it up by complaining to everybody else, you are a cry baby. Wah, Wah, Wah.
Gary: Did you take it up with Joe, or Latino ballplayers? Why are you telling me about it Gary?
Am I even supposed to care? Do you want me to talk to Joe for you? Let me know if I can help, Gary.
Gary Sheffield is a big baby. Why dont you shut up and play ball? Quit your bit..ing and earn your keep. You are a has been and could never measure up to the greats of this great allt ime game (baseball). when you can do what others have done for this great sport, then you can have my respect.
On the contrary, Mojito, I can see that Gary Sheffield is a great baseball player. But, he is
still a cry baby. Let him take up his complaints
with the people that he has problems with instead
of airing his inability to settle up with those
concerned to the media. You are a great ballplayer
and a bigger baby.
Con Chapman is a Boston-area writer. He is the author of "The Year of the Gerbil: How the Yankees Won (and the Red Sox Lost) the Greatest Pennant Race Ever," a history of the 1978 AL East pennant race, and a number of plays, including "Number One Hockey Mom," "Please, Pope," and "What Mickey Belle Isle Told You," a trilogy about hockey (JAC Publishing). His work is available on Amazon Shorts (at 49 cents a dowload), and he writes on sports for Flak Magazine.
