Jesus was the son of a carpenter. Mohammed was apparently a merchant of some sort. (Don't make me draw you a picture, okay?) So why shouldn't the founder of the world's next great religion be a former major league catcher with a lifetime batting average of .245?
Religious seekers, meet Darren Daulton.
FoxSports.com yesterday reported that Daulton, who played fourteen seasons with the Philadelphia Phillies and the Florida Marlins, has devised his own personal system of metaphysics that is based primarily on the Bible but includes elements taken from primitive cosmologies as well.
Daulton predicts that the world will end at 11:11 a.m. Greenwich Mean Time on December 21, 2012, the last date on the Mayans' calendar.
I don't know about you, but I waited until February for prices to go down before I bought my 2006 calendar. Daulton has been granted the power to see into the future, and wants to share his vision.
With the apocalypse set to arrive in six years and ten months, you can forgive Daulton if he's making the most of his time left on earth. He went public with his views after a recent round of golf in Dunedin, Florida. St. Paul got into the evangelical game after he was struck from his #### on the road to Damascus. Why shouldn't the godhead reveal itself to mankind over by the ballwasher on the seventh tee?
Daulton penned his new testament--working title: If They Only Knew--while in jail last summer. He has had problems with the law before, including a drunken driving arrest following an accident in 1997. A member of two World Series teams, the 1993 Phillies and the 1997 Marlins, Daulton claimed at the time that he was run off the road by nefarious henchmen (to borrow a term from Rocky and Bullwinkle) sent by the White House and the FBI as a result of a business deal gone bad.
For guys like me who can't plausibly use the excuse "I'm pregnant and rushing to the hospital!" to beat speeding tickets, this does, in fact, open up a new dimension. "I went long on pork bellies and the Commodities Futures Trading Commission is after me, officer!"
Daulton told the Philadelphia Daily News he realized he'd been chosen as a medium for divine purposes during a 1997 game against the Cubs in Chicago, when he got the game-winning hit for the Marlins. "I didn't hit that ball," he told his wife after the game when he broke down in tears. "Something happened, but it wasn't me."
There have been plenty of tears shed in Wrigley Field over the past 98 years; none but Daulton's were caused by divine possession. Daulton says that experience was his first inkling that "for whatever reason," he has been "awakened to other realms."
Like all true eccentrics, Darren Daulton is beyond parody. Don't look for his book to appear in stores anytime soon. Then again, don't buy that 2013 calendar just yet.
What in the name of unholy mullets is Daulton going through?? If Darren Daulton stayed true to his early 90`s form and held his weekly "services" at Hooters surrounded by babes & ex-wives than count me in! Imagine guest readings from the prophets Kruk, Dykstra and Hollins? He could speak of the sacrafice Mitch Williams made to ensure the Phillies would continue to suck for another twenty plus years. Maybe steroids really do have terrible side effects...
I don't know, but I'm beginning to detect a pattern. When Bernie Carbo was with the Red Sox he was a major burr under management's saddle and a little crazy too; example--he brought his stuffed ####, Mighty Joe Young, on road trips. After he retired and overcame his alcohol problems he became a Baptist minister. Of course, some people thinking being crazy is part of the job description for that occupation.
My guess is he's just looking for the money from a book deal. Religious conversion as a ticket to wealth is a fairly well-established scam by now. Can the "Darren Daulton Hour of Power" be far behind?
years ago, lawrence funderburke said he would retire after like 3 seasons in the nba, because he was extremely religious and had inside knowledge that the world would end on some date he basically pulled out of a hat.
what's ironic is that day was like 7 years ago, and not only are we still here, but i swear i seen that guy playing yet in 2002.
anybody can claim they know when the world will end, but apparantly, they are all being lied to by the man upstairs for some reason. could it be He is merely trying to scare the human race into changing their sinning ways?
these guys seem like they just need some publicity, and acting completely whacko is the avenue of choice for most of them.
had reggie white made such a statement, i might have given it a second thought, but thats it.
as was stated above, i'll believe the world is ending when i see the atlantic ocean tide rolling over central wisconsin, en route to colliding with the pacific somewhere around the minnesota/dakota borders.
This is funny and scary at the same time. You'd think that divine possession would lead to better average...but NOOOOO!!!
What exactly is divine about a game-winning hit in the MLB? Baseball is a great game and all...but doesn't God have better things to do? I'd hope so...but if not, maybe he could help out my Pirates.
I don't think it's about publicity. I think the Daulton has some problems. It's like he realizes that the wine, women, and song thing wasn't the way to go but can't figure out the real ways. Hope someone is trying to get him some help.
Some people believe all religion is bunk. I happen to subscribe to organized religion, although the "organized" doesn't necessarily imply "good/beneficial" in many cases. One has to be discerning about all faith, even take it case by individual case.
In the case of one individual and his/her own meanderings, well...
I consider this disorganized religion, which is a recipe for bigger problems.
All with a "grain of salt". (Bible reference)
Sports can reach the sublime but there is a line with Mssr. Daulton. That's my opinion.
Hey, don't laugh, I have a chinchilla that gives me tips on the races at Pimlico and my toucan lets me know when Vashabandu is not pleased with my consumption of Bushmills.....
Con, great post. I really like your blend of wit and writing. This is the first post I have seen you write on a topic that is not a "made up headline", but it could have been. Thanks for giving me a great start to President's Day.
Also thanks for the comments on my Winter Olympics post. Your story really added to my post.
wow and wow, Daulton is on to something and the rest of the world may be too affraid of the truth.
Daulton , call me, I'd love you on my show, 818--379--3316, Mediumship is real, go try it. Having special ability ,not asked for. May seem strange to many, but for those who know the truth, ,whoo yaaaaaaaaaaaaa,, Daulton needs to call me,
Con Chapman is a Boston-area writer. He is the author of "The Year of the Gerbil: How the Yankees Won (and the Red Sox Lost) the Greatest Pennant Race Ever," a history of the 1978 AL East pennant race, and a number of plays, including "Number One Hockey Mom," "Please, Pope," and "What Mickey Belle Isle Told You," a trilogy about hockey (JAC Publishing). His work is available on Amazon Shorts (at 49 cents a dowload), and he writes on sports for Flak Magazine.
