There are three headlines in American popular journalism that reappear regularly, like perennial flowers, 17-year cicadas or Halley's Comet.
Men Switching to Handbags, Says Fashion Expert.
Makeup Not Just for Women, Says Beauty Expert
Soccer On Verge of Major Sport Status
Excuse me while I dig in my purse for some lip gloss.
The fact that none of these predictions ever comes true does not deter reporters, since "Man Bites Dog" would be news, while "Dog Bites Man" is not.
But it's time to face the facts: Howard Cosell will return from the grave to host a revival of "Make That Spare!" before soccer moves closer to the front of the sports section than bowling.
Here's a prognostication for those who will consider their lives empty until a fifth major sport--network television contract included--is available to absorb what little time they currently devote to idle pursuits such as wives, children, church, community and pets.
You will be watching televised lacrosse before you ever lift your finger from the remote for a nanosecond to watch Major League Soccer. I'll bet you the "Wellesley United" t-shirt I earned as an assistant coach of third-grade 3-on-3 soccer.
Soccer and lacrosse are similar in at least two respects. Both are minor sports that have been played in the US for many years, but LAX was born here, while soccer is an immigrant. Lacrosse was played by Native Americans before James Naismith and family finished the peaches that emptied the basket that led to the game that LeBron plays.
Both games are wildly popular youth sports, but lacrosse is growing more rapidly; the only sport whose numbers are increasing at a faster rate is--bowling. (Note to self: Hold mirror vampire-style under Cosell's nose, just to be sure.)
At some point, however, those legions of young soccer players lose interest. It's not clear what happens, but the claim sometimes made that soccer would thrive if it could only get significant exposure on national TV confuses cause and effect.
It's like the view of the madman who thinks that because sidewalks are wet whenever it rains, wet sidewalks cause rain. Soccer doesn't succeed on national TV because it doesn't attract viewers.
By comparison, lacrosse--at least the indoor version--does. In some markets, the National Lacrosse League, an 11-team operation with three Canadian franchises, outdraws hockey and arena football and is competitive with NASCAR. The NLL Championship and All-Star games are played to packed houses, and the joints rock.
The reason? As the old joke goes, soccer has the low scoring interest of hockey, with none of the violence. Those who read reports of mayhem by British soccer hooligans know that in the game they call football, most of the physical contact occurs off the field.
Lacrosse, by contrast, is both a high-scoring sport--the average NLL game produces 25 goals--and has enough physical contact to satisfy the most discriminating connoisseur of NFL linebackers. Even hockey dads cringe when they see for the first time what lacrosse players are allowed to do to each other with sticks.
So this winter, when the Super Bowl has been played, the NBA is in its mid-season doldrums, the NHL Game of the Week is a high-scoring 0-0 affair and pitchers and catchers have yet to report, turn to the channel with indoor lacrosse.
Why soccer is a failure in the good ole USA
Soccer is a bit boring. A few changes are in order:
Let all players use their hands, why have different rules for the goalie, just doesn't make sense. When playing baseball do we prohibit the catcher from using his hands? That might be interesting for an inning but no. What else you ask could make soccer a bit less boring; the ball is a bit too light and goes too far. If you are going to have a big white ball, why not make it a bit bigger and make it an interesting color. I'd suggest orange or brown, or red, white and blue. Volley ball, golf and baseball use white balls, let's be different.
When my son played soccer in the fall, the parents were all huddled up in the coats on the sidelines. I have an idea. What if the game were moved indoors. Well if the ball didn't go as far, you could shrink the field to say about one hundred feet long and about sixty feet wide. But then it might be just a bit too easy to score in that huge soccer goal. So I'll reduce the size of the goal and I'll raise it up a bit.
Now what about the grass, well it could be replaced by artificial grass, or better yet wood. Wood looks really nice in a den, on the walls and floors. Yes a wooden floor would be exciting.
Now you have it an exciting sport with a big ball that you can see on TV. It is played indoors on a wooden floor. Players can all use their hands, five on a side. The basket is raised up into the air. Each goal is two points, unless you shoot from far away and then it counts as three points. Now that is a
I grabbed season tickets to the Buffalo Bandits in 1992 because they were practically giving them away. I had never watched lacrosse before - what an electric, exciting sport! These guys beat the snot out of each other mentally and physically. Sometimes it was hard to follow they moved so fast. After losing their first 3 games as a franchise, the Bandits reeled off a 21 game win streak that included back to back league championships. They were the first team in league history to sell out a home game, and then went on to do it over and over again. We would pack the old Memorial Auditorium to the rafters then shake it to the ground. It was easier to get Bills tickets, and they were on their way to a 4th straight Super Bowl. A ball that Darris Kilgour ricocheted off Dallas Elliuk that almost took my head off still sits on my desk 13 years later. I have witnessed pretty much every different sporting even out there in person, and with the exception of March Madness, nothing could even come close to the atmosphere at a Bandits game those first few years. I don't miss much about Buffalo now that I'm gone, but indoor lacrosse is definitely one of those things.
Con Chapman is a Boston-area writer. He is the author of "The Year of the Gerbil: How the Yankees Won (and the Red Sox Lost) the Greatest Pennant Race Ever," a history of the 1978 AL East pennant race, and a number of plays, including "Number One Hockey Mom," "Please, Pope," and "What Mickey Belle Isle Told You," a trilogy about hockey (JAC Publishing). His work is available on Amazon Shorts (at 49 cents a dowload), and he writes on sports for Flak Magazine.
