Chicago was the sight of President Bush’s most recent televised speech, in which he addressed issues including North Korea and nuclear weapons.  It made me wonder who would be our next president, and more importantly, could there ever be a candidate that would make me want to vote?  Instead, I will live in my fantasy world where Jessica Alba is my wife and I work with Dale Earnhardt Jr. (imagine how fast that carpool would go).  Therefore, in this great new world, I present to you the Presidential office of the United States of George (I know, original) who are comprised of sports figures because what country would mess with us if all of our politicians are jacked?

Department of Agriculture

Scottie Pippen

He owns multiple farms in Arkansas and is paid annually not to grow anything.  Who wouldn’t want a farmer that is so good at what he does, the government has to pay him to keep from putting other farmers out of business?

Department of Commerce

Alex Smith

His career as a pro quarterback hasn’t been going so well, but little do people know that he graduated with a degree in Economics (with a 3.71 GPA) in only 2 years.  As a player who utilized the spread offense, I could see his policies giving money to everyone equally.

Department of Defense

Brooks Robinson

What better choice for the Defense Secretary than the best defensive player of all-time.  Need proof? Look no further than his 16 consecutive Gold Gloves (MLB record).  Robinson is one guy who won’t let anything slip through the cracks.

Department of Education

Rich Franklin

The UFC Middleweight Champion is also a former teacher with a master’s from the University of Cincinnati.  Corporal punishment would take on a whole new meaning as he has the ability to beat up anyone who forgets to do their homework.

Department of Energy

Vinnie Johnson

“The Microwave” knows all about energy.  He could put points up like no other and his desire was unquestionable.  Johnson would be one of the difference makers in this cabinet, as evident in his game-winning shot in Game 5 of the 1990 NBA Finals.

Department of Health & Human Services

Cal Ripken Jr.

Name me someone who understands the idea of health better than the player who started the most games consecutively?  As for human service, Ripken has developed ALS charities as well as those for underprivileged kids, something that trumps any accomplishment he has had as a player. 

Department of Homeland Security

Ronnie Lott

The man could cover a lot of ground and likes to hit people, so I think he is qualified.  His loyalty can not be questioned either as he played his college and the majority of his pro career in California.  He was even willing to amputate part of his finger just to keep playing; that’s a guy I want on my side.

Department of Housing and Urban Development

George Foreman

One of the best sports rags to riches story, Foreman went from mugging people and beating up co-workers to a successful boxer and businessman.  He knows the mean streets and can relate to people better than anyone (remember the Subway commercial with him running through the streets?), making him a good fit for the job.

Department of the Interior

Shaquille O’Neal

Who better to man this spot than the guy who best can handle himself on the inside.  He wants to be a police officer, so he already wants to serve the public.  Plus, Shaq makes for some great sound bites, something that should never be in short supply.

Department of Justice

Steve Young

The Attorney General has to know the law, so why not have in its place an athlete that graduated from law school?  He spoke at the Republican Convention in 2000, so a future in politics is a possibility.  Anything that keeps him away from ESPN and that awful group of commentators is an improvement for me.

Department of Labor

Isiah Thomas

You might be looking at this and asking why, but the answer is simple.  Any guy who pays Eddy Curry over $10 million, Jerome James $6 million, and give Renaldo Balkman a guaranteed 3 year commitment is the guy I want to set the minimum wage.

Department of State

Bud Selig

The Secretary of State is someone you can blame all the bad decisions on.  Until he decides to change the All-Star Game back to its old format, he is getting all the blame for everything.  Steroids, the DH, Inter-league play, global warming, and the sequel to Legally Blonde (why can’t 1 girlfriend not want to watch that movie?).

Department of Transportation

Mike Morgan

The former relief pitcher knows a thing or two about travel.  He played for a major-league record 12 teams and in Japan and Zimbabwe as well.  In his time playing, I’m sure he has used buses, airplanes, cars, rickshaws (the guys who pull the carts) and donkeys to get to games.

Department of Veterans Affairs

Roger Staubach

His naval commitment and tour of duty in Vietnam qualifies him for this post.  He gets all the respect of the veterans by keeping his dodging purely on the field.  Staubach’s 2 Super Bowl rings demand the respect of everyone else, got it?

Speaker of the House

Terrell Owens

Any job with the word “Speaker” that can be given to an athlete begins and ends with Owens.  Imagine him taking advantage of that forum.  He will stand on the Presidential Seal with his arms raised, do sit-ups as he answers questions regarding the latest bill to pass, and getting into a heated exchange with Ted Kennedy who could be Andy Reid’s body double.

Vice President

Jim Kelly

He is used to 2nd place so he can take this position in stride.  With 4 Super Bowl losses, Kelly once again will be put in the shadows for the sake of someone else.  Enough with the Kelly bashing, because I’m a huge fan for his exploits on and off the field.  His charitable endeavors with Krabbe disease shows his ability to take on issues that matter deeply to him, something necessary in my VP.

President

Paul Tagliabue

I picked the one man who would make me want to vote.  His response to September 11th and the fact that there hasn’t been a player’s strike during his tenure shows his concern with everyone around him.  Tags has helped institute the strictest anti-drug policy in professional sports and established numerous international relationships.  Even his past as a lawyer gives him the credentials necessary to fill the position.  I feel bad for the next commissioner, having to replace the future President and all.

 

Have a different player for a position? Share it with me.