Lots of athletes need help, if you all haven't noticed.  Who better to help then America's premier advice giver, Dear Abby?  Maybe she can help some people solve their problems, no matter how odd they are.

Dear Abby,

Over the last few years, I have run out every person I know out of town.  The only person I convinced to come back only did so because he has a girlfriend out here.  As a result, I try extra hard at work and my coworkers are not appreciating it.  I do most of the work and am willing to take the blame when the outcome is bad.  The one time I stepped aside, I was criticized by everyone.  I don’t know what to do.

Sincerely,

Lonely in Los Angeles

Dear Lonely,

You have to be willing to share the load with your coworkers.  It seems like you are trying to validate yourself by carrying the burden.  Perhaps there is something in your past, maybe involving your marriage that has caused you to be so self-centered.  It is time to trust those around you and let them share in the workload and that will lead to greater things.

 

Dear Abby,

I am having a hard time in dealing with traffic.  Just last week, I bumped a car in front of me just so I could get past.  The thing is, I know this person and he has done something to me before.  Am I justified or did I go too far?

Sincerely,

Reckless in Chicago

Dear Reckless,

Sometimes, you have to go around and avoid the problem rather than make it worse.  I think that you are looking for attention however you can get; it doesn’t matter if it is positive or negative.  It is time for you to take responsibility for your actions otherwise you will lose respect.

 

Dear Abby,

There are people out to get me.  They think I did something on purpose, but I said it was an accident.  Now I am being accused of things that are unrelated just so I get punished.  People are also upset because I am now recognized as being one of the best ever.  I can’t live a normal life and I am afraid to say or do anything.  What did I do to deserve all this?

Sincerely,

Scared in San Fran

Dear Scared,

There is an old saying, it goes, “the truth shall set you free”.  I suggest you follow this and perhaps people will not be so hard on you.  By hiding, you are only making it worse.  Be nice to those people who you made upset, perhaps that is a reason they are not on your side.  You just have to face the music and in the end, the facts will come forward and prevail.

 

Dear Abby,

I have a thing for bad boys.  Over the past year, I have developed relationships with several guys who have committed crimes.  One has been arrested 4 times in 7 months; another is facing robbery charges; and a third is suspended from work for a month for a positive drug test.  I see so many good things in these people, why can’t everyone else?

Sincerely,

Careless in Cincinnati

Dear Careless,

There is a reason why no one else sees those things and subsequently wants nothing to do with those men.  Sometimes, a person is only as good as the worst thing they have done.  By surrounding yourself and others with these kinds of people, you are only setting yourself up for something worse.  Some men can change, but you can do better than that.

 

Dear Abby,

There is a writer on the FoxSports blogs that makes fun of me all the time.  He says that I am worthless and I turn him off completely.  Also, he tells people that I make too much money and don’t deserve it.  Is there any way that I can win him over?

Miserable in Milwaukee

Dear Miserable,

If you improve yourself, he will come around.  You did go to my alma mater, which makes you a good person.  As for the money, the only way you can deserve it is by producing.  It’s time to justify your employer’s decision to sign you to such a large sum of money.

Since the now infamous 2003 draft, which has featured 4 All-Stars in its first 5 picks alone, people have been taking sides as to who is the best out of those 4 players.  Is it LeBron, the Magic Johnson of the 21st century?  How about Carmelo Anthony, the best clutch shooter (based on FG %) since his entry into the league?  Or could it be Dwayne Wade, the reigning NBA Champion and Finals MVP?  Did you forget about Chris Bosh, arguably the most versatile big man in the NBA?

Now, I can’t tell you who to root for even though LeBron James is the best player in the NBA (what? I had to try).  What I can do is offer you the opportunity to see who you are most similar to.  Take the quiz below and see if you are a LeBron or a Wade (or an Anthony or a Bosh). 

1) Where would you prefer to go to college?

     a) The Southwest

     b) The Northeast

     c) The Midwest

     d) College is for suckers

2) Where would you prefer to work?

     a) Your Hometown

     b) By the beach

     c) Outside the country

     d) Where there’s lots of snow

3) If you were offered a commercial, which would you do?

     a) One where you play a kid version of yourself

     b) One where you walk through your old neighborhood

     c) One where you get to play multiple characters

     d) Commercials are for suckers

4) What kind of shoes would you rather wear?

     a) Jordan’s

     b) Nike

     c) Converse

     d) Does it really matter?

5) What accomplishment would you want as your greatest to date?

     a) Winning a H.S. National Championship

     b) Winning an NCAA National Championship

     c) Winning an NBA Championship

     d) A Bronze medal in the Olympics

6) What kind of nickname would you rather have?

     a) One referencing the bible

     b) One referencing a song

     c) One referencing a movie

     d) One that shortens your name

7) Who would you rather work alongside?

     a) An over-the-hill legend

     b) A group of second-fiddles

     c) Someone who is overpaid and complains

     d) Whoever happens to show up that day

 8) What would be the cooler piece of trivia to be known for?

     a) Worked at Blockbuster during High School

     b) Was in a music video of Ciara

     c) Being named one of the “50 Most Beautiful People”

     d) Doing a voice in an episode of “The Simpsons”

*Bonus* Your boss offers you a contract, which do you take?

     a) A 3-year deal with the potential of a substantial raise afterwards

     b) A 5-year deal to secure yourself at your place of employment

     c) Let your current contract run out and see what other offers are out there

     d) Look for a new career, you have so many options

 

Answer key:

Q1:     A: 10pts     B: 20     C: 30     D: 40

Q2:     A: 40pts     B: 30     C: 10     D: 20

Q3:     A: 30pts     B: 20     C: 40     D: 10

Q4:     A: 20pts     B: 40     C: 30     D: 10

Q5:     A: 10pts     B: 20     C: 30     D: 40

Q6:     A: 40pts     B: 30     C: 10     D: 20

Q7:     A: 30pts     B: 40     C: 20     D: 10

Q8:     A: 10pts     B: 20     C: 30     D: 40

Bonus:     A: You are like them all     B: Consider yourself smart     C: Hey Darko, dumb move     D: You’re not Jim Brown, it’s not gonna work

 

Results:

(80-140 points)  Congratulations, you are Chris Bosh.  You are underrated and are on a team that has traded away your complimentary big-man and surrounded you with a foreign guy and a PG who is one injury away from retirement.

(150-200 points) Hey, Carmelo.  You score 26 ppg, but have to deal with Kenyon Martin and Marcus Camby constantly being injured.  On the bright side, you dated La La and have been on PUNK’D. 

(210-260 points) Dwyane Wade is the man to be.  You play next to Shaq, have a Finals trophy, and are considered a model by P. Diddy.  Time to go to Disneyland.

(270-320 points) Isn’t it nice to be King (James that is)?  You have a $90 million deal with Nike, play near your hometown, and can dunk like nobody’s business.  When is it your turn to win the trophy?

 

Thanks for playing, leave your results below, I’m curious to know.

After watching the All-Star game last night, I have had enough commercials for a lifetime.  No one needs to see commercials about beer and male enhancement in the same 5 minute span.  One of the commercials was that of Superman Returns with Shaquille O’Neal cut in between scenes.  It doesn’t take a genius to figure out why, so then I thought about what other sports figures could be placed into commercials because of their current habits or reputation. 

Marco Materazzi and Orbit Gum

A lot has been made of the supposed comments by Materazzi to Zinedine Zidane that provoked the header to the chest.  Regardless of what it was, it had to be offensive enough to require lip readers to try to determine the meaning. 

They could replay the incident and show Materazzi on the ground, clenching his chest like a baby.  All of a sudden, the British Orbit girl pops out and says “Dirty mouth? Clean it up with Orbit Gum!”  Then she does the cheesy smile and maybe even has Materazzi on the sidelines later chewing a piece as his team hits the game-winning penalty kick.

Am I the only one who finds the Orbit Chick hot???

Adam Morrison and Kleenex

Those EA Sports commercials are pretty lame, although his 25 first half points against the Bulls in summer league play were anything but.  Dude, you can not try to make crying look manly, especially when your moustache makes you look like you haven’t hit puberty.

Kleenex could superimpose a UCLA player next to Morrison while he is slumped on the court, crying.  Then, the player pulls out a Kleenex, hands it to Morrison, and says, “The game isn’t over, but your days of chafed nostrils are.” 

Michael Jordan and Citibank (Identity Theft Solutions)

Jordan is currently being sued, along with Nike, for $862 million due to a man being hassled for looking like Mike.  Allen Heckard, the “original MJ”, is tired of being mistaken for Mike and I’m sure Jordan is called Allen whenever he goes to Seattle.

I picture MJ shooting jumpers in an empty gym, and then he stops and grabs the ball, turning to the camera, and in Heckard’s voice, he says,

“So I went to the grocery store and picked up a few items, you know, Gatorade, Wheaties, Energizer batteries, Ballpark franks, the usual stuff.  Then I swung over to Target and bought some Hanes, briefs of course.  Finally, I stopped at the Foot Locker and picked up a new pair of basketball shoes.  You want to know how much I paid for all that…nothing.  Man, I hate being like Mike.”

Isiah Thomas and American Express Platinum

Thomas only has one year to fix that mess that New Yorkers are mistaking for an NBA team.  He has been given free reign since his inception into the organization and look what it has done for him.  Isiah might have to look for future career opportunities and what better way to get his name out then by doing commercial spots?

Isiah would be sitting behind his desk with the Knicks logo hanging to the back of him.  At that point, Thomas would look up from his paperwork and say,

“I know a thing or two about no spending limits.  Let me tell you that you can buy a lot of junk when you don’t have to worry about exceeding your limit.  So reach for your American Express Platinum card and start spending because there is always a father figure who can bail you out if you get in too deep.”

Eddie Griffin and 1-800-TAXI-CAB

Griffin got arrested recently after being “preoccupied” and getting into a car accident.  He was reportedly “manipulating his genitalia” as he was watching a pornographic video.  It’s time for him to find alternate transportation.

Griffin is at the scene of the accident, calling to get someone to pick him up.  He then calls the taxi service, who you see pull up moments after.  He gets in and as the cab pulls away, you see the glow of a laptop and the sound of a zipper getting undone.

Last week, Benny the Bull was arrested for charging at a police officer, knocking him down, and breaking his glasses and watch.  Two years prior, Da Bull, another Chicago Bulls mascot, was caught and charged with possession.  What people don’t realize is that these are not the only mascots that have been arrested or charged with crimes.  Other fan favorites have been in trouble with the law in the past and have managed to get beyond that and continue their support of their teams.

Phillie Phanatic

In August of 2005, the beloved Phillie Phanatic was late at work one night, finishing up so he could get home to his family.  Little did anyone in the organization know, he was a coke addict, often snorting over 1 lb in a single hit.  After getting his fix, the Phanatic went into the locker room where he found then-rookie Ryan Howard.  He went up to the former marching band member, telling him “I have a Trombone you can blow on”.  After an altercation ensued, the Phanatic was arrested for disorderly conduct and being under the influence of an illegal substance.  His trial date was deferred as it coincided with Brett Myers’, who will testify as a character witness.

San Diego Chicken

Last fall, the San Diego Chicken was stopped as he was walking to the stadium prior to a game.  Police questioned and eventually detained the Chicken overnight as he refused to pay a fine for littering.  Soon after, the charges were dropped as it was determined that the Chicken was actually just molting.

Go

The well-known Phoenix Suns ####, who is best recognized for his amazing athletic feats, has been implicated in the Jason Grimsley HGH investigation.    It turns out that he has gained over 80 pounds in the past 2 years and his hat size has increased by 3 full sizes.

Rally ####

Many felt that last year’s name change of the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim was a marketing ploy to increase attendance, but it was due to their mascot, the Rally ####.  The Capuchin #### gained notoriety in 2002 with the World Series title captured by the Angels over the Giants.  However, the #### was later discovered to have influenced games by fixing them, leading to a scandal that needed to be covered up.  The Giants 3-2 lead in the World Series was due in large part to the Rally ####’s payoff to Jarrod Washburn (9.31 ERA in WS) to give the Angels more profitable odds during Games 6 and 7.  The Rally #### recently bought a villa close to the Amazon worth over $2 million, something hard to imagine given his $40,000 annual salary.

Youppi!

Left behind by the Montreal Expos when they moved to D.C., Youppi! has turned to a life of crime with his unemployment.  Before the Expos left, he managed to steal Jose Vidro’s health and Zach Day’s potential career.  He struck again this year, stealing Livan Hernandez’s location and the team’s penchant for spending (wait, that one has been missing for years).

Cocky

The University of South Carolina’s mascot did the unthinkable.  He was caught during the football season exposing himself on numerous occasions.  Any football fan knows that there is no place in a stadium for a #### to be on display.

Chicago was the sight of President Bush’s most recent televised speech, in which he addressed issues including North Korea and nuclear weapons.  It made me wonder who would be our next president, and more importantly, could there ever be a candidate that would make me want to vote?  Instead, I will live in my fantasy world where Jessica Alba is my wife and I work with Dale Earnhardt Jr. (imagine how fast that carpool would go).  Therefore, in this great new world, I present to you the Presidential office of the United States of George (I know, original) who are comprised of sports figures because what country would mess with us if all of our politicians are jacked?

Department of Agriculture

Scottie Pippen

He owns multiple farms in Arkansas and is paid annually not to grow anything.  Who wouldn’t want a farmer that is so good at what he does, the government has to pay him to keep from putting other farmers out of business?

Department of Commerce

Alex Smith

His career as a pro quarterback hasn’t been going so well, but little do people know that he graduated with a degree in Economics (with a 3.71 GPA) in only 2 years.  As a player who utilized the spread offense, I could see his policies giving money to everyone equally.

Department of Defense

Brooks Robinson

What better choice for the Defense Secretary than the best defensive player of all-time.  Need proof? Look no further than his 16 consecutive Gold Gloves (MLB record).  Robinson is one guy who won’t let anything slip through the cracks.

Department of Education

Rich Franklin

The UFC Middleweight Champion is also a former teacher with a master’s from the University of Cincinnati.  Corporal punishment would take on a whole new meaning as he has the ability to beat up anyone who forgets to do their homework.

Department of Energy

Vinnie Johnson

“The Microwave” knows all about energy.  He could put points up like no other and his desire was unquestionable.  Johnson would be one of the difference makers in this cabinet, as evident in his game-winning shot in Game 5 of the 1990 NBA Finals.

Department of Health & Human Services

Cal Ripken Jr.

Name me someone who understands the idea of health better than the player who started the most games consecutively?  As for human service, Ripken has developed ALS charities as well as those for underprivileged kids, something that trumps any accomplishment he has had as a player. 

Department of Homeland Security

Ronnie Lott

The man could cover a lot of ground and likes to hit people, so I think he is qualified.  His loyalty can not be questioned either as he played his college and the majority of his pro career in California.  He was even willing to amputate part of his finger just to keep playing; that’s a guy I want on my side.

Department of Housing and Urban Development

George Foreman

One of the best sports rags to riches story, Foreman went from mugging people and beating up co-workers to a successful boxer and businessman.  He knows the mean streets and can relate to people better than anyone (remember the Subway commercial with him running through the streets?), making him a good fit for the job.

Department of the Interior

Shaquille O’Neal

Who better to man this spot than the guy who best can handle himself on the inside.  He wants to be a police officer, so he already wants to serve the public.  Plus, Shaq makes for some great sound bites, something that should never be in short supply.

Department of Justice

Steve Young

The Attorney General has to know the law, so why not have in its place an athlete that graduated from law school?  He spoke at the Republican Convention in 2000, so a future in politics is a possibility.  Anything that keeps him away from ESPN and that awful group of commentators is an improvement for me.

Department of Labor

Isiah Thomas

You might be looking at this and asking why, but the answer is simple.  Any guy who pays Eddy Curry over $10 million, Jerome James $6 million, and give Renaldo Balkman a guaranteed 3 year commitment is the guy I want to set the minimum wage.

Department of State

Bud Selig

The Secretary of State is someone you can blame all the bad decisions on.  Until he decides to change the All-Star Game back to its old format, he is getting all the blame for everything.  Steroids, the DH, Inter-league play, global warming, and the sequel to Legally Blonde (why can’t 1 girlfriend not want to watch that movie?).

Department of Transportation

Mike Morgan

The former relief pitcher knows a thing or two about travel.  He played for a major-league record 12 teams and in Japan and Zimbabwe as well.  In his time playing, I’m sure he has used buses, airplanes, cars, rickshaws (the guys who pull the carts) and donkeys to get to games.

Department of Veterans Affairs

Roger Staubach

His naval commitment and tour of duty in Vietnam qualifies him for this post.  He gets all the respect of the veterans by keeping his dodging purely on the field.  Staubach’s 2 Super Bowl rings demand the respect of everyone else, got it?

Speaker of the House

Terrell Owens

Any job with the word “Speaker” that can be given to an athlete begins and ends with Owens.  Imagine him taking advantage of that forum.  He will stand on the Presidential Seal with his arms raised, do sit-ups as he answers questions regarding the latest bill to pass, and getting into a heated exchange with Ted Kennedy who could be Andy Reid’s body double.

Vice President

Jim Kelly

He is used to 2nd place so he can take this position in stride.  With 4 Super Bowl losses, Kelly once again will be put in the shadows for the sake of someone else.  Enough with the Kelly bashing, because I’m a huge fan for his exploits on and off the field.  His charitable endeavors with Krabbe disease shows his ability to take on issues that matter deeply to him, something necessary in my VP.

President

Paul Tagliabue

I picked the one man who would make me want to vote.  His response to September 11th and the fact that there hasn’t been a player’s strike during his tenure shows his concern with everyone around him.  Tags has helped institute the strictest anti-drug policy in professional sports and established numerous international relationships.  Even his past as a lawyer gives him the credentials necessary to fill the position.  I feel bad for the next commissioner, having to replace the future President and all.

 

Have a different player for a position? Share it with me.