For a lot of us baseball fanatics this is our Punxsutawney Phil, “Ground Hogs Day,” week. I know, a day isn’t a week and all of that stuff but, give me some writers suspended reality leeway here, Okay? I just crawled out from under my four-month pile of meaning less, paperless essays and there are bound to be cobwebs.
After crawling out I managed to see my shadow. This means two things. There will be six more weeks of speculation baseball and I need to loose ten pounds. Fortunately, for baseball, the six weeks will pass. Unfortunately, for me, the ten pounds probably won’t.
So far, this off-season, the Yankees addressed their needs like an annual physical exam.
They required a colonoscopy where they found and removed a couple of polyps, of the Gary Sheffield and Randy Johnson variety. A third polyp of the Carl Pavano type was left in tact. They elected to treat the polyp with diet and exercise. The feeling here was removing it now could cause more internal bleeding and require a longer healing process. A re-evaluation of the polyp will be addressed in the next month or so.
The cardio exam revealed the same ongoing issues the Yankees have been experiencing the past few years, a weak heart. There is a lot of plaque built up in those arteries and another new diet is recommended. The Joe Torre Diet has run its course and has been deemed ineffective for the most part. The “Indiana Mattingly Diet” or the “South Beach Girardi Diet” has been suggested. Both are new and trendy. With a little exception of the South Beach Girardi Diet they are basically untested.
In the meantime, they performed another angioplasty and inserted an Andy Pettitte stent with the possibility of a Roger Clemens one to follow in a few months. These should service well for the next year or so but either a triple bypass or a transplant will eventually be needed. I hear the new Philip Huges replacement heart is new and strong but needs a little more development. There have also been discussions on whether to use the new pacemakers on the market. There are several models to choose from: Alberto Gonzalez,Ross Ohlendorf, Humberto Sanchez and the Kevin Whelan. Time will tell and I am still a skeptic regarding these models. A new Japanese model called the Kei Igawa has worked well in Japan but has not been tested in the states.
Endurance has not been a problem for twelve years for the Yankees and the stress test revealed no change.
Strength, which has been questioned in recent years regarding non-prescription additives, will always be an issue, until the medical board sets some guidelines. This is not likely to happen in the near future. Bureaucracy and revenue always cause confusion and delay.
The daily vitamin requirement has been revamped and it will include the Doug Mientkiewicz hand and eye co-ordination supplement. The Juan Miranda Josh Phelps Alberto Gonzalez Wil Nieves and Bronson Sardinha supplements have also been added as a precautionary measure. These supplements are always rearranged and substituted as the season wears on.
The orthopedic evaluation suggested that the bones and joints were all healed. Other than a slight case of arthritis in the first, center and buttocks locations of the anatomy, all is well.
As with every patient willing to go through analysis, there are always issues. The Yankees have their share, with #### envy and non-acceptance paranoia heading the list. A slight case of immaturity and adolescence behavior sprinkled in with some dementia. The latter has been associated with and proven to be a side effect of the Joe Torre Diet.
The Yankees have an excellent health plan carrier in the George M. Steinbrenner group. Given a five star rating by whoever the hell rates these things. They are in good hands, as the saying goes.
So the evaluation seems healthy enough to expect the same results for the coming year. That, my friend, is good enough for me…. for now. Come October I might sing a different tune.
So medication prescribed for these symptoms? Six more weeks of speculation baseball.
