The season hasn't even begun and yet you have to believe that the Atlanta Falcons are dying a slow death with every Matt Schaub completion. Much like Vick is composting carcasses, Schaub is piling up the accolades and the ratings.
KEEPING UP WITH THE SCHAUBS
For those of you playing at home, Schaub has now faced the playoff contending Arizona Cardinals, the NFC Champion Bears, and the Super Bowl contending Dallas Cowboys, all without a scratch behind the supposed worst offensive line the NFL has ever seen. Schaub suffered his first sack against the Cowboys last night when a linebacker blitz was not picked up by tackle Eric Winston, but even then Schaub nearly got away before doing the smart thing and taking it for the team.
INSIDE THE NUMBERS
Schaub had another solid outing against the daunting Cowboy defense, going 12 of 16 for 109 yards and 2TD. For the entire preseason Schaub is now 24-33-242, 3 TD and 0 Ints, and a QB rating of 113.4, or roughly 26 points higher than David Carr and his superior front five. Yes, its preseason where wins don't mean a thing unless your playing Dallas, but Schaub's stats are registered against starting line professional football players, and David Carr's are not. (21-32-252 and 1 TD, 1 Int and 4 sacks and a QB rating of (surprise) 87.4). I know many of you will still want to bury your heads in the sand for at least part of the season while you come to grips with the David Carr phenomenon. Look, it's understandable, I made excuse after excuse for him for five years before the light bulb went on...the problem was Carr, not the offensive line.
WHAT'S YOUR STORY AND CAN YOU STICK TO IT?
Need more proof? Dallas has been chastised as a team that blitzes too much during this preseason, breaking a supposed unwritten rule. Schaub shredded them and only had one sack, and it was an easily correctable mistake. So either you have to believe that the Texans line has had some sort of epiphany or Carr stunk. I'm gonna go with Carr stunk.
PINCH US, WE MUST BE DREAMING
Schaub has the tools of an NFL quarterback, and he has the weapons around him. In addition to Andre Johnson, he also has a legitimate number two receiver in rookie Jacoby Jones, and tight end Owen Daniels who I believe will be a household name before the end of 2007 and not for dogfighting, rainmaking, or gun toting, but for money catches on third down.
FOR THE RECORD
Having been hesitant until now to proclaim a new destiny, it says here, the Texans will fiinish second in the AFC South and a 10-6 record will be good enough for a playoff spot. The ramifications of this feat will be felt throughout the AFC and Jacksonville's Jack Del Rio will be fired (possibly before the end of the season) and finish last in the South. Just remember you heard it here first.
Former Houston Texan quarterback David Carr has been indicted by a Houston fan jury on charges issued today from the Fandom Bureau of Investigations (FBI) alleging the former number one pick has been committing fraud the past five seasons. The indictment details that Carr has been hiding his lack of definable NFL ability behind the ruse of an inconsistent and incompetent offensive line in order to defraud the Houston Texans in the neighborhood of $60 million.
THE INVESTIGATION
In five seasons with the Texans, Carr was sacked a record 249 times, allowing the lion's share of the blame to be placed on his truly offensive line. The real facts of the case came to light in recent weeks when Carr was followed by a group of former fans and it was learned that it was indeed Carr that was the problem in Houston. One undercover investigator notes that Carr was seen participating in another NFL enterprise for the Carolina Panthers this past weekend versus the Philadelphia Eagles and it was observed that Carr was guilty of happy feet, being the recipient of an ankle tackle sack, a batted down pass, a near interception and of course a trademark careless fumble in about a ten minute span. Investigators later learned that none of the Texans offensive linemen were even in Carolina on the day in question. In fact, the Texans linemen were engaged in their second consecutive game without surrendering a sack at the time of the Carolina fraud scheme according to a team spokesman.
THE SMOKING GUN
It was at that point that the Fan Jury was assembled in Houston and the facts presented. The star witness for the prosecution was former Falcons backup quarterback Matt Schaub. In two preseason games with this horrific offensive line, Schaub is 12-17 for 150 plus yards, 1 touchdown, no interceptions, no sacks, and one hurry. Of the 5 incompletions Schaub had, two were actually intentional throw aways when the receivers failed to get open.
THE LAME COVERUP
Meanwhile, Carr's comments to the media about his abilities were the most damning statements to date. Carr mentioned smugly to the media that he was more than happy to take a backup role in Carolina after scoring that righteous contract for $60 Million with the Texans that were paying him to be a franchise star. It was presented to the fan jury that no franchise player would ever be satisfied to be a backup in this league.
MOVING FORWARD
Prosecuting fans say it may be to early to tell, but not to be surprised if a superceding indictment is filed later in the season with more serious charges. It was not clear at press time whether or not the Texans planned legal action against their former backup in starter's clothing, or whether the league itself planned to act on the Texans players behalf. What is certain is that David Carr will assuredly be the next NFL player looking to make a plea bargain if Jake Delhomme is unable to fulfill his duties.
NEW EVIDENCE REVEALED
Prosecutors have just released this photo obtained by one of Carr's former associates. Notice the poor throwing form, the definitive happy feet and positioning of the yardlines (pass is lateral, not vertical), and the newly added gloves. Experts believe that in the wake of these gloves failure to keep Carr from fumbling that he may invoke the O.J. (If it doesn't fit you must acquit) Defense and place the blame squarely at the doorstep of Nike. Officials from Nike say that they were not even aware that Carr was still in the league, and were puzzled to learn that Carr was abusing their identity in this fashion. Fantasy football commissioners have suspended Carr indefinitely while the investigation continues.
charges issued today from the Fandom Bureau of Investigations (FBI) alleging the former number one pick has been committing fraud the past five seasons. The indictment details that Carr has been hiding his lack of definable NFL ability behind the ruse of an inconsistent and incompetent offensive line in order to defraud the Houston Texans in the neighborhood of $60 million. 
investigator notes that Carr was seen participating in another NFL enterprise for the Carolina Panthers this past weekend versus the Philadelphia Eagles and it was observed that Carr was guilty of happy feet, being the recipient of an ankle tackle sack, a batted down pass, a near interception and of course a trademark careless fumble in about a ten minute span. Investigators later learned that none of the Texans offensive linemen were even in Carolina on the day in question. In fact, the Texans linemen were engaged in their second consecutive game without surrendering a sack at the time of the Carolina fraud scheme according to a team spokesman. 
It was at that point that the Fan Jury was assembled in Houston and the facts presented. The star witness for the prosecution was former Falcons backup quarterback Matt Schaub. In two preseason games with this horrific offensive line, Schaub is 12-17 for 150 plus yards, 1 touchdown, no interceptions, no sacks, and one hurry. Of the 5 incompletions Schaub had, two were actually intentional throw aways when the receivers failed to get open. 
indictment is filed later in the season with more serious charges. It was not clear at press time whether or not the Texans planned legal action against their former backup in starter's clothing, or whether the league itself planned to act on the Texans players behalf. What is certain is that David Carr will assuredly be the next NFL player looking to make a plea bargain if Jake Delhomme is unable to fulfill his duties. 
Prosecutors have just released this photo obtained by one of Carr's former associates. Notice the poor throwing form, the definitive happy feet and positioning of the yardlines (pass is lateral, not vertical), and the newly added gloves. Experts believe that in the wake of these gloves failure to keep Carr from fumbling that he may invoke the O.J. (If it doesn't fit you must acquit) Defense and place the blame squarely at the doorstep of Nike. Officials from Nike say that they were not even aware that Carr was still in the league, and were puzzled to learn that Carr was abusing their identity in this fashion. Fantasy football commissioners have suspended Carr indefinitely while the investigation continues. 
