Did somebody say, "let's hand out some awards?"

Yeah, it was me.

Let's break it down for America ...

The You may have totally missed it award goes to ... Roger Clemens. You were probably too busy washing the car, mowing the lawn or just livin' life on a summer Saturday to see that the 44-year-old Clemens finally, at long last, made his first start for the Yankees. Given the over-hyped nature of this event, at least Clemens came away with a W.

In case you weren't aware, to be 44 years of age and still hurling fastballs in the bigs is quite an accomplishment. Let's also consider some of the greats of the game who were playing when Clemens first arrived on the major-league scene ... Mark Brouhard, Barbaro Garby, Paul Householder, John Lowenstein and Tom Paciorek.

Now, let's consider the age of some of today's players when Clemens made his major-league debut on May 15, 1984 ... Indians center fielder Grady Sizemore and Twins catcher Joe Mauer were both one, National League home run leader Prince Fielder was six days old, and new Yankees teammates Melky Cabrera, Tyler Clippard and Philip Hughes weren't even born yet.

The Ol' oopsy-daisy award goes to ... that dude who let Paris Hilton out of prison just a few days too early. It made for great TV news drama over the course of a couple days, and America was riveted.

It was brought up by some that, apparently, celebrity-obsessed America may be too celebrity-obsessed. Discuss ...

The It's good for America award goes to ... Crazy celebrity-obsession excess. Between Paris behind bars and Lindsay Lohan's misadventures, it appears America will have enough celebrity gossip fun to last the whole summer.

Unfortunately, "celebrity gossip" doesn't fall into our list of great summer fun that all start with the letter B: Beaches, babes, beers, blondes, BBQs, baseball, beers, babes, blockbusters.

The Countdown to the first kickoff of Week 1 of the 2007 NFL season ... 87 days until America's team, the Saints, visit America's football champions, the Colts, on what should be one of the greatest days to be a football fan in America.

Let's polish off the fun with these Totally Irreverently Irrelevant Power Rankings ...

1. Rafael Nadal (Trend: +) -  After beating Roger Federer to win a third consecutive French Open, Mr. Capri Pants admitted feeling sorry for his fallen foe, "I am very happy, but I am really sad for Roger." Tennis players are so sweet.

2. NBA Finals (Trend: -) - C'mon Cavs! Please make Sunday night a TV-watching night to remember, what with this game and the finale of The Sopranos, it should be a good night to just chill.

3. Chad Johnson (Trend: +) - The talkative Bengals receiver broke up the monotony of this off-season of player arrests, suspensions and a dog-fighting scandal to race a horse.

4. New York Yankees (Trend: -) - I've got a 100-beer bet that the boys in pinstripes can make the playoffs. Their recent run is the first sign of hope so far in what has been a lousy season in the Bronx.

5.  My softball team (Trend: +) - You can't beat entering the softball playoffs as the No. 1 seed.

6. Interleague baseball play (Trend: -) - A big shout out goes to Major League Baseball for renewing the following great baseball rivalries this weekend ... Phillies-Royals, Angels-Cardinals, Rockies-Orioles, Pirates-Yankees, Blue Jays-Dodgers, Red Sox-Diamondbacks and Brewers-Rangers.

7. Ladies first (Trend: +)  - Fabulous filly Rags to Riches became the first female horsie to win the Belmont Stakes since 1905. Yes, that was a long time ago. To put this into proper perspective, let's check out what was going on back in 1905 ... the NEW YORK Giants beat the PHILADELPHIA A's in the World Series, nobody had ever even thought that pro football was a good idea, really smart guy Albert Einstein prosposes something called "the Theory of Relativity," and the first movie theater opened in Pittsburgh (and, no, the big summer blockbuster of 1905 wasn't about pirates, an ogre, or robots in diguise).

8. David Beckham (Trend: -) - If you were Mr. Posh, why would you want to come to the U.S. and play for an L.A. Galaxy outfit that has the worst record in Major League Soccer? Hmm ... Real Madrid, or the Galaxy? That's like asking yourself ... do I want a pint of Guinness fresh from the tap, or a Busch Light from a warm can?

9. Gen. George Washington (Trend: +) - Apparently, he's against the war in Iraq.

10. Optimus (Trend: +) - Like Paris and Posh, Prime made an appearance on last week's MTV Movie Awards. Wonder what he thinks of Posh's husband's club vs. country conundrum.