10. Getting the !@#$% out of Dallas for a while.

9. Buying the greatest pit-stained t-shirt in the history of history

8. Arranging for Larry the Cable Guy to be put in a dungeon in the center of the Earth forevermore.

7. Springing for a $250,000 media blitz to announce he is, in point of fact, Taylor Hicks.

6. Hiring someone to give Dwyane Wade rabies.

5. Saving, for good and all, Save our Bluths .

4. Funding a ####-pride parade on Ozzie Guillen’s block.

3. Producing a live-theater version of Snakes on a Plane.

2. Upgrading the Western Conference trophy so that it’s way more bad-#### than the NBA Championship trophy.

1. Loaning Dirk Nowitzki enough money to buy his #### back from Pat Riley.