It has been a most intriguing weekend in baseball, at least if you are a fan of any team in the NL West.  Most critics concurred that the NL West was the weakest and most wide open division in all of baseball.  While we cannot use the games played this week as justification for lynching the critics, it may, in fact, present mounting evidence that such a critique was unjustified.

For this week the NL West played 18 games against the NL Central, arguably the best division in baseball.  This fact is derived by taking the Power Rankings on Fox Sports.com and arriving at an average for each division.  Even with the 28th ranked Pirates to lower the bell on their curve, the NL Central still averages a 10th place power ranking.  The Reds have been one of the hottest teams in all of baseball while critics have argued at the water cooler over whether or not they are truly legitimate.  The Cardinals and Pujols are always tough, though they have to wait for this week to challenge the West.  And the thought of Roger Clemens donning a Houston uniform again is a scary proposition considering what they are accomplishing without him. 

The West, on the other hand, might cringe at the mention of the Power Rankings.  For their trouble- up until this week- they had collectively earned themselves a Power Ranking average of 20th.  While the Central can take pride in the fact that four of their teams rank in the top ten (five in the top eleven), the West might flinch if you mention they have three teams in the bottom eleven.

So how did the West fare against this "superior competition?"

The West took 15 of the 18 games!  That is a winning percentage of .710!  Collectively the West out scored the Central 81 to 46 and did not lose a single series (The Giants split a two game series with the Brewers and the Rockies split a two game series with the Reds).

Not bad for the "worst" division in baseball heading into the season (actually, according to the Power Ranking average, the NL East is the worst division in baseball currently).

What makes the whole analysis that much more fun is the fact that the two teams many picked to finish worst in the "worst" division in baseball, are winning in bunches right now.  In fact, collectively the Diamondbacks and the Rockies went 3-2 against the Reds, the first place team in the Central.  But in those games, Cincinnati was only able to muster any kind of offense in the two wins.  In the other three games, the D-Backs and the Rockies outscored them 13-2.  In only one game (the win against the Rockies) was the run differential anything for the Reds to take pride in.  Their other win required them to stave off not one, but two hard rallies by the Diamond Backs.  In the end, though the Reds scored nine runs on the D-Backs, the D-Backs managed to score eight. 

Of course, the Power Ranking will be different this week.  Cubs fans will continue to cry as they may find themselves in the back half of the list for the first time this year.  While the Brewers, Astros and Reds should all find themselves with the double digits they earned this week.  

I do not, however, anticipate any giant leaps by the West.  Arizona and Colorado should find themselves at 12 and 13, respectively.  While San Diego and Los Angeles should leap frog the struggling Giants, ending up in the high teens, or staying in the low twenties.

However, the year is far from over.  The play of the West this week argued against the "Weak" label on this division.  Baseball has been good to us all, for by the end of May there will have been played enough interdivision series that we should have a true idea as to whether or not the West is better than we all thought before the season began.

I'm betting they are, which means a great summer for baseball and baseball fans over here, where the sun sets.

Maybe its the fact that I am personally having a difficult week.  My grandfather died tonight, my eldest son has been incarcerated, and my lovely wife had quite a medical scare.  But I am really having trouble enjoying the Suns blowing out the Lakers tonight.

The Lakers are a storied franchise, and, as much as I despise them, part of enjoying their demise is the fact that they are a storied franchise.  After games 5 and 6, I enjoyed razzing Lakers fans about the wins.  The fact that they were hard fought made the wins that much more satisfying.  Maybe its 'playground' to say so, but fighting a tough guy and winning far out weighs beating up a bully.

For a bully is esentially a 'tough guy' fraud.

And when that bully starts crying like a girl because you actually hit him, your pride is tempered by the mounting pity.  It is hard to take pride in beating up the bully after you discover that he really had no real 'tough guy' in him to begin with.  At the end of the day, the Fakers finally showed up and the Suns won the fight.

There in, lies my dilemma.  This is not Wilt and West.  This is not Magic and Kareem.  This is not even Kobe and Shaq.  The Suns did not beat the Lakers.  The Suns beat a team posing as the Lakers.  And you Lakers' fans know exactly what I mean.

When the season ended, Suns fans saw this reality- enjoyed this reality.  But through some phenomenal coaching (and I am not a Phil Jackson fan in the least), Phil convinced the Lakers to embrace their collective Dark Side and had Suns fans believing that their Sith Lord had returned (cue Vader's Theme).  And after game four, they could hear him breathing that fearful cadence. 

But in the end, the dark nemesis turned out to only be that 'Helmet' guy from Spaceballs.  And somehow, cries of, "Use the Schwartz!" just don't ring out the same way.

You would think that Kobe going off for 50 in a playoff game and hitting insane shots would be a good thing.

You would be wrong.

Kobe scoring 50 with the larger percentage coming after halftime represents a loss of faith in his teammates and a breakdown of the Laker game plan.  I guarantee you that to a man, the Sun's would have smiled ear to ear if you had told them, pregame, that Kobe would be just such a scoring machine.  They wanted Kobe to try to beat them single handed.

The Suns are gunslingers.

Kobe Bryant is a damn good gunslinger.

As long as the game was a gunfight and not a slugfest, the Suns were in the driver's seat.  The Suns are significantly more comfortable at High Noon than they are in Round Fifteen.  For three games the Lakers convinced the Suns to climb into the boxing ring.  And for those three games the Lakers won.  Kudos to Phil Jackson.  I have to say that I gained a significant level of respect for him in his ability to take a less talented team and mold them into an effective weapon for those three games. 

But the last play of those three games reminded the Suns to strap on the hard irons and play like they know they can play.  When Luke Walton got maybe his first 'Laker' call in the postseason and received a gift of a jump ball when, at very least, the referee making the call should have seen that one of his size twelves was a country mile out of bounds, the Suns awoke.  Ironically, the play that seemed to resound with their requiem, was the play that woke them from the dead.

Phoenix is all about the tiple digits, and the heat has returned, both on the court and off.  I was reminded on Sunday that the last time the Suns were supposed to have the upper hand and the Lakers turned the tables, forcing the Suns' backs against the wall, Paul Westphal guaranteed three straight victories and the Suns advanced.  Truthfully, its poultry dung for me to mention that now, and not Sunday.  The truth is I was too much heart on Sunday to write objectively.

That said, prediction, or no prediction, history will repeat itself.  Before the series I would have predicted Suns in six.

But I can deal with Suns in seven.

As you very well know, I am not Cubs fan.  However, I must question Dusty Baker's decision to start Greg Maddux tonight.

Now some of you are questioning my sanity.  The man was 5-0!  Maddux is having the start to the season dream seasons are made of.

But look the stats up, and you will see.  In 2001 D-Bax fans got down right cocky when Bobby Cox, the manager of the Alanta Braves whom Maddux played for at the time announced Greg would be his fifth game starter for the NLDS.  The snakes had pounded the ball all season against the future Hall of Famer.  The fans were right- Maddux served up batting practice and the snakes slithered into St Louis for the NLCS.  Personally, I would have thought that it was the players, and not the team. 

But like former Colorado Avalanche Goalie Patrick Roy who could not seem to throw his stick into the crowd to get a win against the locals here (in his case the Phoenix Coyotes), Maddux is snake bit.  His 5-0 record took a hint from tonight's score and ended the evening 5-1.

But Cubs fans, relax.  The Diamondbacks are the only team in the Major Leagues that boasts a winning record against him (He is 1-9 in games against the Snakes).  So tell yourselves he was due for a loss.  Maddux will get right back up on that horse called the pitcher's mound in five days as long as the batters don't have snakes on their uniforms (I would also suggest that he not pitch on days where Sesame Street is brought to you by the letters 'A' and 'D'). 

However, when the playoffs roll around and the opponent slithers into Wrigley, beg Dusty to let Maddux sit this one out.  Otherwise, you will get a due dose of 'I told you so' when you show up in the desert for spring training next year. 

No really, I have never been diagnosed manic/depressive...

But it does seem that the Arizona Cardinals have avoided their common snafu.  I'm not ready to order my post season tickets, but I am ready to offer a few guarantees for this season.

1. The new Cardinals Stadium will be the best in the NFL- hands down.  If you have not heard, the Bidwells did pull out all the stops for the new stadium.  They have gone so far as to find red landscaping to dot the islands of the main drag in and partner with the magazine, Arizona Highways, to add estetic value to the interior.  Though the stadium was designed by the same architect who designed the Holocaust Museum in Europe, it looks as if Steven Spielberg's set designers for a yet-to-be announced remake of Close Encounters of the Third Kind got into the act.  I mean that in a good way.  The place looks out of this world from the outside and rumor has it that the inside is as stunningly impressive.  And Edgerin James will add potential years to his career now playing on gas, instead of turf.  And opponents can now relax, knowing that when the temp hits triple digits in the desert, the Cards will #### the A/C in the Mother Ship.  (Cue Close Encounters theme music.)

2.  Young Hollywood will live the 'Road Trip' Movie.  Of course, it will more likely be a short flight, but let's not squabble over symantics.  This could not have gone any better for Matt Leinart, from a geographic perspective, if he hand picked his new team.  Glendale, AZ is just a hop, skip and a jump away from Glendale, CA (or Hollywood, if you prefer).  And since LA does not have its own NFL team, So Cal Lienart pals like Justin Timberlake should be ringing the moving cookie sheet (the field in the new stadium sits in a giant 'pan' that can be moved out into the parking lot for ultimate sun on non-game days) like they do the ice for the NHL's Kings or the court for the NBA's Lakers.  This stadium, with the addition of The Edge and the yet-to-be nicknamed Lienart, could easily become the next place to be seen on the west coast- an added benefit of drafting a franchise quarterback with a playboy fan base only five hours away.

3. Wise Cardinal detractors will be watching for crow to go on sale.  Bill Bidwell's mantra has been, "build me a stadium, and I will put a winner on the field," for years.  I can tell you that he has said that since the Cards moved to Arizona in 1987, and I believe that he brow beat the St. Louis faithful with the same platform for years before vacating to the desert.  So what if the Cardinals turn their woes into wows?  You must admit that shelling out the cash for arguably the best available free agent this off season goes along way to putting Bidwell's money where his mouth is.  Truth is, I am not a Bidwell fan and will ask for my crow blackened.  But if the Cardinals begin winning now, Bidwell will have every right to tell the entire football nation, 'I told you so.'

With that said, I'll go out on a limb and say the Cardinals will have winning seasons for the next five years, Dennis Green will see his contract extended before the turkey gets cold on Thanksgiving, and Matt Lienart will be starting games before the season is over (Not a knock on Warner, he'll do fine.  He is injury prone and I am much more confident in Matt Lienart's ability to effectively lead in his absence than I ever was with Josh McCown.). 

Of course, my predraft eeyore anxiety could prove to be well founded and this could actually be just another snafu by the Cardinals. 

Then again, no one in Boston really believed the Curse of the Bambino would ever end.

They have seen Red in Boston... its our turn now.

Being a hometown fan has its disadvantages...

My Arizona Cardinals never fail to give us something to fear about.  They have had fewer winning seasons since coming here then you can count on one hand.  There have been seasons when they lost with style, and we dubbed them the 'Cardiac' Cards.  But even those have been few and far between.  And in those seasons, they still lost.

Which brings me to my grandma...

Why?  You may ask.  Well... she was a pastor's wife in the day when people of her position had zero room for error.  She was held to a high standard, and she held those around her to a high standard.  And she always used to say when she made some kind of airheaded mistake, "well that was a real snafu."

I never thought anything about it until I was researching a project a friend and I were working on.  I had sought the guidance of a reference book for writers on the lingo of the 30s and 40s.  Imagine my surprise when I learned what it was my pastor's wife grandmother was actually saying:

SITUATION NORMAL, ALL F***ED UP.

I laughed out loud that day at my grandmother's faux paux.  Yet I am not laughing now.  My heart is excited for my team, but my head is simply cringing for another Cardinal snafu.  Honestly, the ink is still wet on the Calvin Pace rookie card.  Bryant Johnson is the third receiver and Anquan Boldin used this as leverage to secure a more lucriative contract last summer.  Yes, we do have Larry Fitzgerald, but we also drafted J.J. Arrington.

While the Patriots tend to draft players that make you ask who and why, only to make strong runs at the post season year in, and year out, the Cardinals often grab the 'sizzle' pick, which typically fizzles.  Further, draft experts will tell you they passed on Roethlisberger to trade down (was that not for Wendal Bryant and Calvin Pace?), and had a chance for Phillip Rivers.  Instead they talked up Josh McCown, who they let go to Detroit, this year, through free agency.  And they have been lauded for choosing Thomas Jones, who is having a nice career in a Bears uniform.

In fact, other teams and their fans should cheer when the Cardinals make their first round selection tomorrow.  Their first round draft picks, since moving to Arizona, seem to fall into two categories.  The first category is Shooting Star.  These are the players, like Andre Wadsworth, who everybody seems to want a piece of but the Cardinals save other teams from themselves by sacrificing their pick to the football gods.  These picks tend to be plagued by injuries and sometimes play less than a year for the Big Red.  The second category is Soon to be Your Star.  These are picks like Thomas Jones who will leave, frustrated, when their rookie contracts run out, only to get their career back on track somewhere else.

So all you fans of other teams who might get up to go to the bathroom with the Cards on the clock, wait a pick.  You might just be looking at a Pro Bowler for your team Five Years from now.  Or the Cardinals may have just saved your team from making a big mistake.  Want to know if Vince Young will be the next great quarterback?  See if the Cardinals pick him. 

Yet in all honesty, I hope the Cardinals can turn it around this year.  I pray they make more #### than bust this year!  But with more bust than #### in the last ten drafts, its more likely the Cardinals will once again make a real S.N.A.F.U..

So here is how the whole thing went down:

I have two sons: one nineteen, one four.  My four-year-old has never shown much of an interest in sports.   In fact that day he was building a monster size layout with his Geo-Trax (plastic remote control trains for those without the little guys to teach them).  My older son was rooting for the Colts and considers himself a Colts fan.  I was rooting for Peyton Manning, as my Bio might suggest.  It was the second half and Peyton Manning had just waved off the kicking team to go for it on fourth down.

Now I know you must have felt just like I did in that moment.  Truthfully, I have no personal allegiance to either franchise.  As a kid I followed the Laundry led Cowboys, but will never forgive Jerry Jones for the way he treated a legend.  But since I was a Cowboys fan then, I always looked at the Steelers as the potential final foe.

What I remember of that day was my older son and I talking about the fact that with Peyton's potential heroics developing, this game might turn into the thing of legends (for the record, had the colts won and then gone on to get Peyton his first ring, all football fans would have talked about was his veto of the coach and going for it on that fourth down).  What I also remember was Noah, my four-year-old, being consumed with his trains- as per his usual.  

But somewhere between Peyton's heroic last stand and Big Ben's heroic shoestring tackle, Noah looked up and said, "I want the black and yellow team to win."  

A sports fan was born.

My older son tried everything he could to rattle his little brother and change his mind.  Such tactics only seemed to strengthen his resolve.  And when Pittsburg won, my older son had to take the 'smack' from his four-year-old brother.  Noah was loving it.

The next week offered Jake Plummer as the opposing quarterback.  Being an ASU fan, I was rooting against my son's team again.  But Noah was undettered and the victory seemed to further cement his allegiance to the black and yellow.

And we all know where the story goes from there.

I cannot say for sure but maybe my childhood allegiance to the Cowboys found its roots in similar circumstances.   My favorite color is blue and that may have been all the basis I had for rooting for the Cowboys.  But as we all know, liking a team's colors is an entry point into the brotherhood we all have in sports.

And we men may not talk about everything and everyone like the women do, but we love talking sports.  I am looking forward to fostering Noah's interest as the Steelers will be the first opponent in the visitors locker room at the Cardinals new stadium this summer.  I am looking forward to the days of playing catch and him pretending to be Heinz Ward or Big Benor whoever the next Pittsburg hero might be.  One of the greatest privileges to being a Dad is fostering a love of sports in our sons.  In spite of the fact that the Steelers are not my team, that does not preclude me from sharing in my son's allegiance to them.  Of course at four, when he caught me watching a Diamondbacks game, he wanted to know when the Steelers would come to beat them too.

But regardless, a sports fan has been born, and I am looking forward to raising him.

Remember that Seinfeld episode?

You know the one where that Joe guy has the party and the whole gang is invited.  Some of them are apprehensive because this guy is notorious for handing out little chores to all his guests in the name of making sure the party goes off without a hitch.  But Jerry- he's excited.  Because last year, at this same party, he was in charge of the music.  Jerry liked playing DJ.  He was looking forward to doing it again.  But when he gets to the party, Joe (or whatever his unimportant name was) assigns him some other task like keeping the guests from setting their glasses down on the new oak furniture without coasters (don’t want rings, you know).

We should do likewise…

Just like the future brides we warned with part one of this entry, we should, like Joe, keep the athletes from being in charge of the music selections- especially for playoff theme songs.  Besides, who would set a drink down without a coaster or tap on the glass of a fish tank with Michael Strahan looking over your shoulder?

Bon Jovi, Living on a Prayer class

These teams are living for the fight ‘cause that ‘s all that they got.

Team: Dallas Cowboys

Theme Song: Here I Come Again, Whitesnake

Yes, indeed, here they come again.  But in this case, which road is the only one they have ever known?  Is it the Tuna Road where he hints at retirement and Drew Bledsoe wonders if he will once again be a listless ship without a captain?  Or is it the road where they resign the kicker who let them down on Thanksgiving?  Or could it be the road where, while they just miss the playoffs, Jerry Jones courts his latest bad boy: TO?  One thing is for sure, Cowboys fans are hoping ‘America’s Team’ is back and the only road they have ever known is the one where they, at least, flirt with a championship.

Duran Duran, Wild Boys class

Given recent history- look out!  The Wild Boys always shine in recent years.

(These are the current Wild Cards.  In the NFC, things can still be a little topsy-turvy.)

Team: Washington Redskins

Theme Song: Vertigo, U2

Vertigo can be defined as the hallucination of spinning.  When you are cursed with this disorder, things in life just need to spin.  It began with a disaster of a last year- spin.  Maybe Joe is a coach of a bygone era- spin.  Brunell is too old- spin.  The Arrington/Gibbs bickering makes us all wonder if this team’s theme song should be the theme from Family Feud- spin.  Lost amidst the dizziness has been a top five defense, a Pro Bowl year by Santana Moss and the steadiness of Clinton Portis.  If this team can manage to get off the NFL’s version of the Teacups (you know the spinning ride at Disney Theme Parks worldwide), they stand half a chance of making a descent showing in the playoffs.

Team: Carolina Panthers

Theme Song: Are You Ready?, Creed

These seekers need to hold on to this advice: its time to seek, and hopefully you will find.  The Panthers need to seek things like a run defense and a second half offense.  But in spite of all the off season allegations of doping, this team is not too far removed from winning the Super Bowl.  If they remember (their) roots, they might just find a way to win under the microscope of life.  But remember, Carolina, heroes come, and heroes go.  And you are more go than come this year.

Metallica, Until It Sleeps class

These teams have punched their tickets (in some cases all but punched their tickets), and are ready to rock-n-roll.  So tear (them) open and pour (them) out, they will be cracking pads and smacking helmets until (they) sleep. 

Team: New York Giants

Theme Song: Brain Damage, Pink Floyd

How far the Giants go in the playoffs depends on where the lunatic is.  The formula of success for the blue and red has always been to keep the lunatic on the defensive side of the ball.  With Lawrence Taylor in the hall, they need Michael Strahan on the grass…remembering games… keep(ing) the loonies on the path.  The problem is that Eli Manning keeps showing us that the lunatic is in (his) head.  He has not been a factor in a game in four weeks.  He claims that there’s someone in (his) head but its not (him).  However,  no one, including us, believes him.  If the Giants are to make a serious bid for the Super Bowl, Coach Tom Coughlin must …raise the blade… make the change… and rearrange (him) till (he’s) sane.  Otherwise, with the New York Press to contend with, this Manning is going to wish he was on the dark side of the moon.

Team: Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Theme Song: Keep Yourself Alive, Queen

This is the Bucs’ theme song by title alone.  Beat the emotionally hurricane ravaged Saints, and not only are they in, but they win the division.  But this is no home game for Tampa Bay- no sirry!  New Orleans has made Tampa Bay their home away from home in recent years and with the vagabond lifestyle they have had to live this season, nothing will say, ‘where they hang their hats’ like the recently friendly confines of Raymond James Stadium.  But this year has been all about honey I’ll survive for these preseason duds.  None of the so called experts predicted a playoff run for the Bucs, even with potential Offensive Rookie of the Year Candidate Cadillac Williams in the fold.  And then Brain Griese goes down?  They should be joining the Dolphins in singing, So Long and Thanks for All the Fish.  But (they were) told a million times of all the troubles in (their) way.  Yet they tried to grow a little wiser… little better ev’ry day.

Team: Seattle Seahawks

Theme Song: Anybody Listening?, Queensryche

When you get to feast on baby food (and by baby food we mean meals that require no teeth and are easily digested) like this year’s NFC West, recognition seems an endangered species.  And then you finally get a crack at the favorite (Indy), and they get an understandable free pass for the loss (no insensitivity intended- just trying to see things from the Seahawk’s POV).  In all, it is as if the ghost of Rodney Dangerfield haunts them (they can’t get no respect!)  Was it all that long ago that we fools in Phoenix actually thought the Cards might win the division because Seattle had to patch together their receiving corps?  But having a starting running back that is under 200 hundred yards away from a 2,000-yard season cures a lot of ills.  Seattle must think for (themselves) and feel the walls become sand beneath (their) feet.  They must stop asking, Is there anyone that sees what’s going on?  Then, with their actions, they can criticize the words their selling and just let the scoreboard do their talking.

Team: Chicago Bears

Theme Song: Rock of Ages, Def Leppard

You do not know how close this team came to getting Safety Dance by Men Without Hats as their theme song.  But who could you blame?  The Orten led offense left one wondering if 'Da Bears' might win 4-3 on Wild Card weekend.  This team’s only chance seemed to be to prove- once and for all and beyond any shadow of a doubt- that defense wins championships.  But King Rex is back, and so is the offense.  Then comes the rumors of the Fantasy Island meeting (smiles, everyone)- the one that Lovie Smith conducted with his coaching staff just after the team went 1-3 in the first four weeks- and I was once again beating back that blasted Journey tune (Don’t Stop Believing)!  But this Rock of Ages- 11-1 since that lack-luster start- is still rollin…and keep(s) a rollin.  They have rise(n) up, gather(ed) round and rock(ed) this place to the ground.  The truth is that a Chicago/Indy Super Bowl would be very fun to watch.  These Bears got the power… got the glory… so all we football fans have to do is just say (we) need it!

So now KTEL has all of its KTEL presents: Now That’s What I Call a NFL Playoff Theme Song, ’06 CD (again, make checks payable to: Jym Nixon).  We have managed to fend off the girl rock of Journey, and kept to the straight and narrow of real rock anthems.  Each team has their own song, and their own band (we did not duplicate even a band).  So let the best theme song win!  And I encourage you- please feel free to leave a comment about the theme song choice you liked best.

...The More They Stay the Same.

The more the BCS tries to fix things, the more they remain the same old song and dance.

And the old adage holds true.  U2 wrote many albums ago that, "all is quiet on New Year's Day."  Of course they were discussing the violent politics of their homeland.  And what a blessing I am sure it is that there is less in Ireland along these lines to lyrical today.

But all is quiet on New Year's Day.  Out of the four big Bowl Games, only one will be played.  The wisdom of the BCS is to now play the Championship Game, this year's Rose Bowl, on Wednesday- Hump Day.  Right in the middle of all of us ending our holiday hangovers and heading back to the daily grind.  And in the process, the BCS has turned one of the great sports holidays into leftovers.

Turkey Sandwiches anyone?

But I remember a different New Year's Day.  The old New Year's Day was the football 'Fourth of July'- not as cool as the Christmas (Super Bowl Sunday), but cooler than any other holiday.  The old version is why I root for Florida State. 

Back in the day when New Year's Day was cool, the holiday started watching #### Clark and the ball drop at the Hoogeveen's on the Eve.  At midnight we kids went outside, screamed and yelled and ####ed pots, came inside, said our goodbyes, and fell asleep on the long trip back to Orangevale from El Dorado Hills (What's up, No-Cal?).  Then, when we woke up, we would watch the Rose Parade while mom got her end of supper together, get dressed and head for grandma and grandpa's.

The day there would begin with an appetizer like the Gator Bowl, and end with the Rose or the Orange.  Since my grandpa rooted for Nebraska, I rooted against them.  This put me firmly in the Florida State camp as they often played in those days.  But I also remember Montana led Irish teams, Joe Pa's original Hey-Day and those Bad Boys down in Miami. 

And because it was one day, football widows did not mind... 

But now the BC(mes)S wants to drag this thing out.  Which would not be so bad if we were talking consecutive weekends.  Football is a sport driven by six days of anticipation, smack talk and nail biting, culminating in a single day of payoff.  This is why it is the sport we bet the most on.  This is why it has surplanted baseball as America's sport.

This current make up takes the build up out of football.

That, is the real problem with the BC(mes)S.  What are we supposed to do?  Take a single day to talk about each game?  We have that with basketball, baseball, and hockey.  What we resolve to is talking about trends in those sports.  They are not about single games, but road trips, home stands and series.

Football, however, is the one sport that we can argue about a single game for a solid week and then rub it in when we are right.  When our team wins, we have bragging rights for days.  When we lose, we hide for days and then argue about the new week's game that is going to be played.

Of course, a playoff system would answer this objection in a big way!

Yet we all know what the truth is.  It is not about what is best for the athletes.  It is about what is best for corporations in America.  The networks like the spread so that you and I don't miss one minute of one game (or the commercials).  The advertisers like the fact that we have the opportunity to watch every game.  The athletes and the fans are left with a less than perfect system because it pleases the powers- the corporations- that be.

So along with credit ratings, paid holidays, the lunacy they refer to as 'insurance', free TV and radio, and the once cool names stadiums had (Chase Bank swore the 'Bob' would stay the 'Bob' when they merged with Bank One.  Liars, liars, pants on fire!), chalk up college football to 'Cool Things in Americana Corporations have Ruined.'  And stop calling it Corporate America.  The reality is they are holding our Americana hostage- especially our New Year's Day.  

To all future brides of Professional Athletes:

Do not, under any circumstance, let them help in the music selection for your wedding.

After the Journey debacle that was the 2005 Chicago White Sox World Series Theme Song, we can all lay to rest any notion that athletes actually know what they are doing in a Tower Records store.  In opening his sports bar, Cooper’s Town, here in Phoenix, rock legend Alice Cooper intimated that every jock he met wanted to be a rocker, and every rocker wanted to be a jock.  That was why his logo shows a silhouette of a rocker in a Mad Hatter lid using a guitar as a baseball bat.

But just because someone wants to be something does not insinuate that it is actually a good idea.  Brittany Spears might want to be a rocket scientist.  Objections anyone?  So in the interest of saving the football version of these jocks from themselves, we offer the following: a list of appropriate theme songs for each team’s playoff run.  We will start with the AFC, since it is more or less set at this point.  Then next week, we will follow up with the NFC after their longer list of Staying Alive teams shortens.

So after telling all those still in the running to Don’t Stop Believing (at least until you have your anatomical south sides handed to you this weekend), let us dole out the appropriate tunes for the AFC teams still in contention.

Bon Jovi, Living on a Prayer class

These teams are living for the fight ‘cause that ‘s all that they got.

Team: Kansas City Chiefs

Theme Song: Sweating Bullets, Megadeath.

Hello me, it’s me again…

And that will be the playoffs for the Chiefs- me, and…well… me (by which I mean them, and…well…them).  It will take a miracle from God for the Chiefs to make the playoffs now.  First, they have to win out against San Diego and Cincinnati.  The saving grace is that both games are at home because the Chiefs cannot win on the road in December to save their life.  But then they have to pray for the Steelers to ‘lose out’ against ‘formidable’ opponents Cleveland and Detroit.  That sound you are now hearing is the collective sobbing of Chief’s fans.  They know they have the same prospects, this Christmas, of a naughty snowball (you know… the one in hell).

Feeling claustrophobic like the walls are closing in…

Team: San Diego Chargers

Theme Song: Miami, Will Smith

I would love nothing more than to bestow upon them a theme song like Boom from local street rockers P.O.D..  But the fact remains that the game in Miami sealed their fate.  Beating the Colts will be of little consolation when they are teeing up in La Jolla during Super Bowl Weekend.  This team finishes out against opponents with the second best record of any combo a team (with still a breath of hope to make the playoffs) will have to face.  And the team that has the hardest road, they have to play.  A loss in KC this weekend will ultimately seal their fate, but it will be hard to argue that Miami was not the key loss in their demise.  If I were Will Smith, I would steer clear of San Diego until training camps start next year.

Duran Duran, Wild Boys class

Given recent history- look out!  The Wild Boys always shine in recent years.

Team: Pittsburgh Steelers

Theme Song: Panama, Van Halen

This may seem like an odd choice to you, but hear me out.  Panama is a song about a car with certain sensual metaphors redlining through the lyrical.  The Steelers quite literally run over their competition.  With Big Ben out, they had no choice in order to keep pace (not that this team ever minds a little smash mouth football).  Right now they are reaching back between their legs, sliding back the bucket seats…  Admit it- you can hear those smooth Eddie licks with that engine gunning ferociously in the background.  And you are mentally picturing a muscle car painted like Eddie’s famous ‘Frankenstein’ guitar (the black and yellow one- not the red, white and black one).  Nothing describes the cakewalk of a schedule the Stryper Predecessors have going in to the playoffs like the combination of hammer-ons and sweep picking Eddie uses in the slow section of this song.  But like the song, the Steelers will accelerate into the playoffs with a shout of ‘nothing ‘s gonna stop us now!’ 

Team: Jacksonville Jaguars

Theme Song: Thunderstruck, ACDC

They may not be the Chicago Bears, but look out!  The confusing complexity of the guitar lick you hear is their ability to disguise their defense to opposing quarterbacks.  Having Byron go down may not have been such a bad thing as it forced their defense to key in and pick up the slack.  And you know what they say- defense wins championships.  With the easiest pair of opponents of any team heading into the playoffs, the Jags should be able to get healthy and roll like thunder into the opening round.  Watch out!  They might just have us all shaking like a leaf!

Metallica, Until It Sleeps class

These teams have punched their tickets and are ready to rock-n-roll.  So tear (them) open and pour (them) out, they will be cracking pads and smacking helmets until (they) sleep.

Team: New England Patriots

Theme song: Gonna Fly Now, The Theme From Rocky

The cardiogram attached to this team flat-lined early in the season.  Between the injuries and the free agent defections, no one (except hallucinating Bostonians desperately in need of a trip to the methadone clinic) saw this coming.  But you better not call in that time of death just yet.  The only team with more palatable cuisine within their division this year was Seattle.  And between the Pizza and Wings (New York and Buffalo), and too much 'Have it Your Way' (Burger King is based in Miami), this Patriot Act nursed themselves back to playoff health.  And like any good Rocky film, this team was all but washed up half way through the flick.  But now?  Apollo Creed- look out!

Team: Cincinnati Bengals

Theme Song: Long Time, Boston

This is a team who spends way too many years buying the wrong vowel (I’d like to buy a ‘U’, Pat).  With TO TKO’d for the season, Rudy Johnson takes over the reigns of he whose antics we look forward to each week (Here’s hoping that deer he hit pulls a Tommy Boy during his end zone celebration this weekend.).  The Bengals have spent a Long Time playing Foreplay and their fans have to be absolutely giddy.  There is no question that they have been taking their time.  Let’s just hope that their fans don’t forget about( them) after (their playoff aspirations are) gone.

Team: Denver Broncos

Theme Song: Living on the Edge, Aerosmith

Ah, life with Jake Plummer.  Those of us in Arizona know it all too well.  Colorado cardiologists are now prescribing a change to the Colt and Seahawk bandwagons for their more dire patients.  Life with Jake is never boring, but there is always something wrong with the world today.  But Mike Shanahan, take note.  The solution is that everyone says its right.  When you get to the RCA Dome, sneak in after midnight.  Install a street light at the front pylon of one end zone, and park a car at the front pylon of the other.  Then paint the turf gray, not forgetting to paint some black circles here and there to pose as manhole covers.  Then take your offensive game plan and warm yourself with the fire it makes.  If you do this, you stand half a chance of making the Super Bowl.

Team: Indianapolis Colts

Theme Song: Boulevard of Broken Dreams, Green Day

Two things about this song make it the perfect anthem for Peyton’s Place.  First, all they have left in their wake is a boulevard of broken dreams.  Letting San Diego beat them may have been their cruelest dream stomping to date.  The Bolts beat the best team in the league in years only to discover that the last post season golden ticket has already been found (you’re a mean drunk, Willy Wonka).  Second, they are finding the boulevard to be a lonely road.  In spite of the fact that San Diego caught them napping, their Super Bowl opponent will not find them in a similar state.  It may be that the only team that can truly hang with the Colts this year is their own shadow.

My shadow is the one who walks beside me…

So now KTEL has half of its KTEL presents: Now that’s what I Call a NFL Playoff Theme Song, ’06 CD (make checks payable to: Experiment 611).  I promise disc two of this compilation CD next week.  Once the second disc is finished, we can all return Journey’s Greatest Hits to its proper use in our CD collection- softening up our ladies.        

 

 

 

 

Georgy Porgy Pudenim Pie...

Signed all the big names, and the baseball fans cried.

...And I say stop your whining.  Green Day's unofficial mascot can take his dog and pony opening act into the Big Apple with my compliments, and I'll tell you why.

It has not worked for five years and this one will be no different.

The only ones who should be crying are Spankees fans.  Steinfeld has marched king after king of the baseball red carpet straight through the locker room door and what does he have to show for it?  A five year drought, that's what.  Even with a roster that reads like an All Star Game line up card, all Manager Joe Torre has been able to muster since the year that made Arthur C. Clark a household name is second place.

And you know what second place is...

Now that Geritol has officially announced their desire to pursue naming rights on Yankees Stadium, no fan or team should shudder as if King Kong were batting clean-up.  This is not the bat out of hell team that made us all shudder in the nineties.  This lineup is what would constitute a Golden Girls guest appearance list if the show was still in production.  In other words, Yankees Stadium has become a showcase for baseball's version of the Senior Tour.    

So let's all stop wringing our hands about the Yankees latest has-been signing.  Ever sign Luis Gonzalez of the D-Backs fluttered the lamest game winning hit in World Series history into short left field, they have been the Bronx Bummers.  And the more Steinfeld tries to right the ship, the more they become a large obstacle in someone else's road to a championship.

And there is another reason this is good for baseball.

If I remember correctly the luxury tax is distributed amongst the have-not teams.  This means the more George of the Concrete Jungle spends on has-beens, the more the have- nots have to spend on the might-becomes.  This means a team like the Royals might be able to afford one or two free agents that will make them contenders if all the stars (cellestial) align correctly. 

In other words, as close as baseball will probably ever come to parity.

The irony of ironies is that the more Steinfeld tries to tilt the playing field into a New York frame of mind, the more he levels it for all the rest of us.  He bucked sharing revenue, and now he shares more than any other team.  I guess he takes solice in the fact that he only shares because he chooses to, not because the CBA demands it.

So Spankees fans, take heed...

Enjoy logo bed pan night in the Bronx while us other fans rest in the fact that Johnny Demon is simply the latest has-been to get his AARP card wearing pin stripes.  Let the Grecian Formula flow!  And may all we other baseball fans realize once and for all that the Yankees are still a dog whose bark lacks a bite.

So... what do you want to be when you grow up?

If you claim to be a sports fan, then at least at some point before the reality of lacking talent set in, you might have said, "a professional (insert favorite sport here) player."  Then, when reality did set in, you might have replied in true Napoleon Dynamite fashion:

"Whatever I want to be... gosh!"

For most of us who live in the world of the daily grind, the reality is we are somewhere south of our first choice of careers.  No one grows up longing to drive a garbage truck or to brow beat people from a bank's collection department cubicle maze.  These are realities we except when the Disney-esque dreamer inside us all realizes even the guy who plays Mickey Mouse punches a clock and goes home at the end of the day.

And all of us have had those days when where we work becomes the last place on the planet we wanted to be.

We just don't have the luxury of going public with that fact.  In the real world, we bite our tongues until they bleed.  We cannot tell the boss we don't like him.  We cannot force company policy to change to our liking.  We dare not tell our co-workers that they are impossible to work with.  It is why NBC's, The Office,is so unbelievably popular.  And all of this is simply because in the real world, when you do any of these things, the company shows you the door.  

And we cannot afford 'The Door.'

So we 'wing walk' while we look to see what other career opportunity might interest us. 

In the last week, three professional athletes have, in one way or another, asked for 'The Door.'  They have this luxury- one of many we do not.  They are dissatisfied with their present employment.  They long for greener pastures.  Don't we all?  And most of us would settle for a browner pasture then any of these guys currently graze. 

So in the interest of testing the uncharted waters of my 'Guidance Counselor' career, I will offer each of these men the perfect new career for their imposition.

Ron Artest, disgruntled Indiana Pacer's Small Forward.

Career Change: Shepherd

Mr. Artest seems to be having a lot of trouble fitting in with people these days.  After fighting with both Ben Wallace and the fans at The Palace in Auburn Hills, Ron says he feels like a square peg in a round hole (my paraphrase of his comments).  Yet he is a good shot and works well around the perimeter.

These skills will serve him well in a gig as a shepherd.

Shepherds have to be good shots with their rods.  Should a Bobcat, a Timberwolf, a Grizzly, a Raptor or a Hawk decide to abscound with one of his flock, Ron will have to use good perimeter shooting in order to maintain the herd.  Out in sheep country, he will no longer have to contend with all the people he seems to struggle to get along with.  The sheep will succomb to his system, and if they get out of line, well, he will have his own staff to keep the team on task.  And if the solitude is a little to solid for him?  (Insert favorite 'Brokeback Mountain' joke here.).  

Aaron Brooks, quarterback and chief whiner of the New Orleans/San Antonio/Baton Rouge/City to be Named Later Saints

Career Change: Professional Wrestler

While we all can understand that this year has been a hard one for the Saints to find any version of solid ground, Brooks seems to be the only Saint that lacks the professionalism to whine about it.  Though Wide Receiver Joe Horn has hinted at discontent from time to time, he has shown just enough caution to let his quarterback be the tongue wagger on this occasion.  In other words, at a time when this team needs its on field leader to take that leadership off the field, Aaron is caving.  

And for years Brooks has struggled with his decision making, leading to many unnecessary interceptions.  Being on the Saints, he has had his share of being slammed to the turf and has learned to endure both the cheers and the jeers.

This is what makes him a perfect candidate for the boys (and girls) of the WWE.  He could take a few body slams and then whine about cheating or poor officiating.  Taking pot shots at the owner- Vince Macmahon- seems to be a regular passtime for the diatribing brutes of the square ring.  Throwing people out of the ring requires no accuracy whatsoever.  And the fact that he might throw a perfect pass of one tag team partner into the bread basket of the other is a bonus.  And to top it all off wrestlers are notorious for making bad decisions, especially when in comes to teammates.  So with a few pointers on how to mouth off from Joe Horn, Aaron should have a long pay-per-view career.

Miguel Tejada, Dissatisfied Baltimore Orioles Shortstop

Career Change: Car Salesman

At least Miguel is doing his grumbling in the off season.  The irony is that he just talked former teammate and friend, Ramon Hernandez, into signing with the O's.  But no one is sympathetic here.  Even the casual sports fan knows that either you choose to make the money, or you choose to make the playoffs.  Though this is not 100% true, it is in his case.  Pudge Rodriguez had no delusions that when signing with the Tigers, his playoff chances were long, at best.  But he has a ring and Miguel does not.

But the whole idea of talking a good game and then changing the plan in the backend of the deal(ership) makes him perfect for this profession.  Heck, he talked Hernandez into buying a lemon- so buyer beware!  He may have also sold Baltimore fans on the idea that they finally got their Benz between he and Sosa signing.  Sign Miguel up for the first Chery dealership (the coming Chinese imports that promise to make us forget how bad the Hyundais and Kias were when they first arrived) and he'll sell them with snow tires in June in Phoenix!

In all, these guys need to keep their million dollar complaints sealed tightly behind their million dollar lips.  With all kidding aside these guys need the reality check that they could be flipping burgers or lumping freight or sharpening pencils in a 9 to 5 with the rest of us.  That is the rest of us who would gladly do what we hate for what they get paid.

And if these three are really that unhappy... well... there's always shepherding.

Jeff Gordon recently wrote on this website his mantra on why not to watch all the bowls outside of the BCS.  His point is well taken, and well received.  Of course any hardcore fan needing their 'fix' would far prefer consolation prize football played in great destinations like El Paso, Texas to anything else on the #### tube that day.  Hey, its football.

However, I can give you one good reason to watch the Insight Bowl on December 27th:  Derek Hagan.

This is especially true if you are a fan of one of the teams who is making a professional run at the postseason with an amateur passing game.  I won't mention any names (Da Bears).  I don't want to get Jack(sonville)ed.  While I'm at it I won't mention any teams with inappropriate sex acts on boats or buses near their stadiums.  Or even suggest that I have Georgia on my mind.

But if your team is looking to pick late in that first round, you might want a preview of what could be your workhorse receiver.

The biggest thing that stands out in Hagan's stats are his career numbers.  He is number one all time at ASU in all 5 career statistics (Receptions, Receiving Yards, Yards per Game, TDs).  Now this may not seem like the biggest feat in college football, but consider that in most of these categories, he took first place away from San Diego Charger great, John Jefferson.  Others on the list (Eric Guliford, Keith Poole, and John Mistler) had serviceable pro careers. 

And career numbers are what should interest NFL fans and teams.

The fact is that Hagan consistently put up good numbers working with at least three different quarterbacks.  There are those in the press here in Arizona that have said that when ASU Quarterback Sam Keller went down to injury this year, Hagan took extra reps with backup QB Rudy Carpenter in order to make sure they were on the same page come game day.  Further, Hagan was recognized with a Hard Hat Player Award at ASU two years in a row for his work in ASU's winter strength and conditioning program.  In other words Derek is the kind of player who is going to do what it takes to 'bring it' week in, and week out.

Hagan is not a guy who is going to lead the NFL year in, and year out.

Rather, Hagan is the kind of guy who is going to be a leader year in, and year out.  You will not here him pop off like TO.  Nor will he leave the game before it is over like Moss.  He possesses a Jerry Rice type work ethic.  He has put up back-to-back 1,000 yard seasons.  He has a better than 15 yard per catch average.  And he is capable of putting up big games against big competition.  In fact, in 2003, the year the Trojans split the National Title with LSU, Hagan lit them up for 170 yards.

So if your pro team is picking late in the first round and is in need of a consistently good wide receiver, you might want to watch ASU in the Insight Bowl.  Pay attention to #80.  He just might be the workhorse your team needs.    

I work in the hospitality industry.  What that essentially means is that every nimrod, #### and yahoo who thinks they have a problem can play the "customer 's always right" card like its Monopoly cousin, "get out of jail free."  In an ever increasing juxtaposition, the ratio between the customer actually being right and the customer being wrong is ever sliding in the wrong direction.

But there is an industry that absolutely does not believe that the customer is always right.  Just ask that fan in Detroit who just wanted his Matt Millan money back.  Professional Sports teams might give some brand of lip service to this age old customer service adage, but they do not, in any way or form, believe in it.  I am confident I am preaching to the chior on this one as we are all fans and only, at best, wannabee sports professionals (Fantasy Football anyone?)

So what would happen if all pro sports were to honestly buy into this adage that the customer is always right.  The truth is that the product would be greatly improved.  One sport does subscribe to this adage: Professional Golf.  In golf, if you do not make the cut, you do not make the money.  Those who consistently make the cut not only make good money, but they get to have long careers.  Those who do not consistently make the cut will give you a few tips on your swing- for a price- at your local course.  In the interest of a better world, let us take a quick look at the three biggest changes that would take place if our Professional Sports Organizations actually gave a #### about the customer.

First: drug users would be all washed up.

Yes, they would actually care about the example their athletes are setting for the young.  Darryl Strawberry's career would have been ten years shorter.  Tenessee's 'Pacman' Jones' career would have been over before it started.  Test positive?  Have a nice time driving truck.  We don't need you here.  Being a Pro Athlete is a privilege that comes with certain obligations.  And shut up, Charles Barkley.  No one asks to be a role model.  But the moment you put on the uniform, you should have looked to see the brand name on the tag- Role Model Clothery.

Second: Bill Bidwell, Peter Angelos and all the other dead beat team owners would be sitting in retirement homes telling stories about when they owned franchises.

The hospitality industry is replete with franchise organizations.  You know what happens here when a franchise repleted fails to produce the company product in their market?  They are found in default and forced to sell.  This is exactly what should happen to the mindless bumblers like Bidwell who consistently disappoint their fans.  Even the Bungals have had two periods of being the Bengals (late eighties and now) since Bidwell has put a consistently good product on the field (oh wait, that would be never).  Make these guys sell their franchises, serve notice to other owners that they have a responsibility to their fans to at least appear like they can right a ship now and again, and the product on the field will be significantly better.

Finally: Install a completely performance based salary system.

Let the Players Associations fight for the portion of the revenue the players get, but from there, make a player earn his check.  I am so tired of guys like that quack head starter in Detriot getting big money to right the ship only to find out that the punk is a product of his college's system.  And how about all those kinds on IR with a bad splinter?  In the real world, you don't work, you don't get paid. 

So let every player have a base salary projected on draft order and tenure.  From there, everything is a performance incentive that is available to everyone on every team- depending on position.  Score the most points, get the biggest piece of that pie.  Make the most tackles... block the most shots... you get the idea.  Then the team with best record, gets the most pay, and so on, and so forth.

And here is how it rights the ship...

When Kurt Warner won the Super Bowl and the Super Bowl MVP, there were at least 25 other quarterbacks sitting on their collective Southsides at home making significantly more money than he did.  In fact, there were two on his team alone.  In a system like this, Kurt Warner would have been the highest paid quarterback that year.

...And Michael Jordan and Wayne Gretsky would have been the highest paid players in their respective leagues consistently during their illustrious careers.

What changes is that all those scrubs who wow us in combines and college would go home with the consolation prize, not the jackpot.  And this would work in every sport equally well.  Oh, wait, those lawyers who prefer to call themselves agents would actually have to work for a living instead of leaching ten percent of all of the hard earned dollars we normal guys spend on sports.

...And you can forget about holdouts, lock outs, and walk outs.

Of course, this would make sense, and this is America.  Its not going to happen.  I guess that makes me just some yahoo #### trying to play the 'customer 's always right' card.

Oh well...

Another day...another dollar.