Somebody needs to cover this and the NFL is no help at all.
Every week we see players strut for no apparent reason. And it's getting embarrassing.
But think about it from the player's point of view. You are new to the league. The coaching staff hasn't covered strutting. Your team mates taped you to a goal post in training camp. Officials don't signal a strutting opportunity. You have split seconds on national TV to make up your mind.
To dance or not to dance, that is the question.
As a public service, here are some guidelines.
A two yard loss on first down in the first quarter.
No strut. As a general rule, strutting in the first quarter or even on an early down is not considered socially acceptable. It would be like going to a party and hitting on the host's wife within a minute of arriving.
Taking down a 30 year old running back behind the line of scrimmage, a.k.a. the "Eddie George" rule.
Who can forget Eddie George's one season with Dallas. He was so slow he would pack lunch before heading for the line of scrimmage. Yet tacklers persisted in jumping up after stumbling onto him three yards behind the line, acting like they just brought down LaDainian Tomlinson on fourth and goal at the one.
Third down.
A change of possession is generally a cause for celebration, but only on a solo tackle. You must always take care not to claim another man's strut. This can also result in a two man strut which, from a distance, may appear to be two large men dancing together. Not that there's anything wrong with that...
Any play by a nose tackle.
The purpose of a nose tackle is to occupy as much space as possible and hopefully create an obstacle runners will stumble over. In that sense, a nose tackle is much like lawn furniture with numbers painted on it. Since most plays by nose tackles are accidents, they should not strut for aesthetic reasons.
On a more practical note, the hideous physical state of most nose tackles provides a medical reason to avoid strutting. If a nose tackle struts, large amounts of gelatinous body tissue can begin moving in waves, resulting in a strange oscillating effect which may cause a sports hernia.
Ex-post burnous.
Once a defensive back has been burned for a long touchdown, it is no longer acceptable for him to strut, regardless of what he subsequently achieves during the game. Just as it would not do for a receiver to pull a packet of mustard out, spread it on the ball and offer to feed it to the cornerback after a deep pass, neither would it be appropriate for the defender to subsequently employ a strut.
A vicious hit to a player in an exposed position.
Almost always appropriate. Twenty years ago it would be considered bad manners to rejoice after making another player taste his own spleen. But what were once vices are now habits, and not strutting while the player lies on the field trying to remember his own name would show disrespect for our current social conventions.
Except when the other player is badly injured.
In which case the defensive player should not be seen on the sidelines texting his agent to post the video on YouTube.
White players.
There is no reason white running backs and wide receivers cannot strut.
Quarterbacks and kickers.
Players with the upper body strength of a Hilton sister should avoid strutting at all cost, as the logical response by defensive players will be to inflict grievous bodily harm. Kickers may, on game winning kicks only, pump their arms in jubilation, but for no more than 2.4 seconds.
Coaches may not strut.
The one exception to the rule is Bill Belichick, who struts while inhaling and on days of the week ending in the letter "Y". However, it is hoped he will be cured on this affliction now that Tom Brady is not on the field on Sundays in Foxboro.
Referees may strut.
This is the Ed Hoculi exemption. It makes about as much sense as blowing your whistle during an obvious fumble late in a key division game. Not that there's anything wrong with that...
And finally, the one strutting rule that, if violated will result in a lifetime ban.
The long snapper must never, ever, strut. This will result in immediate expulsion from the NFL. Since most long snappers are only one waiver transaction removed from restocking vending machines for a living, there has never been a need for this rule to be enforced.
The preceding has been brought to you by the Terrell Owens Center For The Advancement of Social Graces.
If I like the Cowboys and you like the Redskins, I might not like your team but I don't hate you for your choice. But we are in the American Jihad phase of political life where the right believes liberals are communists, the left believes conservatives are fascists, and centrists have been hunted to extinction. Meanwhile, small bands of dazed moderates roam a post-apocalyptic wasteland dominated by giant brainless heads shouting at each other on cable TV.
The stadiums change.
One reason politics never changes is congressmen work out of the same buildings for hundreds of years. In the case of Senator Byrd of West Virginia, I mean that literally. But in sports we're even tearing down Yankee Stadium.
Change brings new ideas and wider seats. The Senate uses the same desks Clay and Webster sat in. With modern, wider bottomed politicians, maintenance crews must constantly keep melted butter and crowbars at hand in the event of emergencies. With our current financial woes, building a new Capital and selling the naming rights might be worth considering. You turn on C-SPAN and the announcer says, "Live, it's the 110th Congress from the WalMart Congressional Arena". Sounds right, and accurate.
In sports the head guy gets fired if things don't work out.
Over the past ten years the Cincinnati Reds have, deservedly so, changed managers seven times. In 2008 the economy has four flats and is running on the rims, no coherent plan exists to keep us safe from terrorism on US soil save for having bored civil servants randomly make us take our shoes off at airports, the inner cities are balkanizing and will eventually implode in violence, and you can't buy a TV made in America. But our political leaders we keep, often for decades. If the US was a baseball team, half of Congress and the Executive branch would be back in AA trying to learn how to handle the breaking ball.
The rule books mean something.
Try wearing non-regulation socks onto a major league baseball field. Bat the ball forward to a team mate in an NFL end zone. Use your hands in a soccer game. Justice is swift and predictable. Our legal system is more like the NBA rules on traveling. Whatever the official (i.e., judge) understands it to be, and something different depending on who the player is. All sports officials are strict constructionists. Can you imagine if John Paul Stevens were an umpire? We'd have an evolving view of the balk rule that could mean anything or nothing at all, and would change depending on current international interpretations.
We're OK with cheating and fix it if it gets out of hand.
In sports we expect it. In politics they have to try to act surprised by it, and fail. In NASCAR nobody is surprised when suspensions and engines are tampered with to make cars run faster. In politics, sufficient financial resources can jack your local representative up and adjust his or her vote. The difference is that NASCAR will actually catch crew chiefs cheating and punish them in the same decade as the dirty work is discovered. It should also be pointed out that the last time anyone fixed a World Series was 1919.
Katie Couric doesn't do sports.
At the risk of sounding horribly sexist, and possibly honest, I would point out that Katie Couric would have a future in sports broadcasting. As a sideline reporter. In the "real world" she has been given the keys to the fastest car in the garage, and regularly wraps it around the nearest tree.
In sports we have cheerleaders.
In politics, they are called journalists or commentators. Picture Rush Limbaugh in a.. Then again, no. Bill O"Reilly at the top of a pyramid of FOX reporters? Keith Olbermann shouting, "Gimme a 'D" into a megaphone? David Gregory holding Nancy Pelosi up while she does a spirit cheer for national health care? I think I'll stick with the Cowboy Cheerleaders.
Joe Paterno didn't go job hunting at 71.
John McCain did. Nobody would hire a 71 year old head coach to take on a program in the middle of a rebuilding effort. Then again, you won't find schools knocking down the doors of anyone who thinks there are fifty seven states. Not even in the SEC.
When was the last time you saw anyone post brackets for an election, or start an office pool over a vote in Congress? We place friendly wagers on our premier sporting events and watch them in record numbers on TV. The next day we discuss them at work and nobody gets mad. In politics we bring together the most boring people we can find to debate each other in the big events of the electoral season, then find even more boring people to ask them questions. Worse still are the debates where "real people" ask questions in a painful parody of the commercials where fans ask NFL coaches about lite beer.
In sports, we're all around after they throw the bomb.
This is the best reason sports is better than politics. It is safer. Vladmir Putin is George Allen with nuclear weapons. If that doesn't scare you, nothing will.
So tonight, you have a choice. You can tune into one of the cable networks and listen to discussions of Sarah Palin's moose gutting ability or watch Tony Romo and the Cowboys try to finally win one in Green Bay.
You've been given the chance to go to one sporting event of your choice.
Where do you go?
BASEBALL
St. Louis for a World Series game. Why? Cardinal fans make St. Louis the best baseball city there is. That's the solid, upright baseball answer. The truth is the best Italian food in America is in The Hill section. A good meal, a little baseball, what's not to like?
NFL FOOTBALL
Cowboy's-Packers in the NFC Championship game in Green Bay. As a Cowboy fan I'd have to go to the game wearing a shirt that reads, "Kramer was offside". The old guys would know what it meant. We ALL know. (Bitter, I'm not bitter).
COLLEGE FOOTBALL
As a Navy fan I'm supposed to say Army-NAVY. But my favorite place to see a college football game is still Kenan stadium in Chapel Hill. And there is nothing better than NC State-UNC late in the season. Part of the reason is the rivalry between the Wolfpack and TarHeel fans. Think Altamont without the good humor.
NBA BASKETBALL
Robert Browning wrote, "Ah, but a man's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a heaven for?" That said, I want to see the Knicks at Madison Square Garden in the NBA finals. And while I'm asking for the impossible, I'd like to sit next to Spike Lee. "Say, you look familiar. Aren't you Woody Allen?"
COLLEGE BASKETBALL
Duke-Virginia at Cameron. Not a big Duke fan, but here's the thing. I go to football games at Duke and walk right by Cameron all the time. But getting tickets there for an ACC game is next to impossible, and curiosity is getting the best of me. The place looks really, really small from the outside so if everything is to scale I'm thinking Coach K is about three foot four. Why Virginia? Because I'm an Orioles fan and I need to maintain a reasonable level of suffering in the winter so the summers don't hurt as badly.
NHL
Oh, Canada! I admit it, I'm a hopeless admirer of all things Canadian. The Canadian National Anthem puts the rest to shame. I can hear it in Raleigh, North Carolina, USA and want to run out and club to death with a moose antler and my bare hands, anyone who would dare take on "the true North strong and free". Game seven, RedWings at Montreal, center ice tickets. (Or is that centre ice?)
NASCAR
Daytona looks like fun. Stopped there one time coming back from a baseball bus tour. What I never realized is how steep the bank is on the track. I believe in gravity as much as the next guy (at least till those boys with the Hadron Super Collider mess that up) but it's beyond ridiculous. Must be done with mirrors, because there is no way the cars don't slide to the bottom. I'd like to go there and see for myself.
THE OLYMPICS
Only if they are in Alabama. Reason number one-the most beautiful women in the world live in Alabama. Reason number two. What, you need a reason number two?
Football isn't baseball. Lose a 40 HR 125 RBI .300 hitter from your lineup and you will lose ball games you would have won.
Not in football.
Tom Brady is the Patriots' cleanup hitter. An ARod who hits better in the clutch. But New England isn't going to fold the way New York would without their best hitter.
Football is a game of systems, and Bill Belichick has created arguably the greatest offensive system in the history of the NFL. High octane passing, low risk, ball possession football. Teams have to score on one of their first two possessions against New England or the game is over, because it is close to a sure thing New England will convert early possessions into touchdowns.
Tom Brady is great and not just because of the system. The question is how big a gap is there between great and good.
We are about to find out.
Cassel hasn't started a game since high school, having backed up Carson Palmer and Matt Leinart at USC. But he has put up respectable numbers in the NFL (35-57-405-3 TD-2 INT), and didn't let the game get away from him against Kansas City in relief of the injured Brady. In fact, he posted a 116 quarterback rating and led a 98 yard touchdown drive.
The bottom line on Cassel won't be so much about numbers, which the system ensures he will put up. The question is what kind of production he'll have in the red zone and how few mistakes he makes outside it.
As Tony Romo is proving in Dallas, the vertical game between the 20's may be the easiest part for a young quarterback. The Patriot offensive line will give Cassel time, and his receivers opportunity. The tell will be whether you see New England walking off the field with touchdowns or field goals in the red zone. With Brady six points was almost a given, with Cassel less so.
Should the Patriots try to open market for a solution beyond the Jets game? The idea is reasonable, the answers may not be.
Duante Culpepper has been a Pro Bowl player, but he's also been a disappointment. There is a reason nobody has signed him, and it's not because (as he believes) he stands up for himself. It's because he is a creator on offense (good and bad) and not a bus driver. A controlling coach who values execution will likely be happier with Cassel than Culpepper. A Belichick-Culpepper wedding is probably not in the offing.
The truth is there isn't much out on the waiver wires or in trades. A quarterback familiar with the New England offense is better than who isn't. Ironically, the best answer would have been to get Brett Favre out of retirement, except he's already returned to the Jets.
What does the future hold? I'd say 35 TD and 17 interceptions, 13 wins and a trip back to the AFC championship game. Beyond that?
It will only cost New England $440,000 to find out.
Time usually renders to history a reasonably accurate accounting of the achievements of great men. Long after they are gone, their legacy lives beyond the ceremony commemorating their passing.
Which makes me question why we need a year of NFL players wearing a garish oversized "GU 63" patch on their uniforms.
Maybe the league's owners, from their vantage point, have a greater understanding of what Upshaw's stewardship of the NFLPA meant to the game. But it also could be the league is trying to send a message to players and the media about how much they valued Upshaw's approach to labor/management issues.
Therin lies the problem. Honors on the field should be won on the field, not in a board room or contract table.
Upshaw's and the player's association agreeing to a salary cap is, depending on who tells the story, the great achievement of his union career. Labor peace has brought with it prosperity for owners and players. But the league was never in danger of folding under the weight of salaries. Players and owners always had good reason not to kill the money machine that is the NFL.
The NFLPA-NFL agreements have also brought contracts which may or may not pay their full value. Injury, performance, total team salaries, and draft picks can all result in a player being cut for cap reasons and receiving less than 100% of the salary he contracted for. This, in a profession where careers are short and can end with brutal swiftness.
It is also somewhat off putting for players, who are not united in support of his policies, to have to spend a season with "GU 63" on their uniforms. It is as if the NFL owners feel the need to keep Upshaw's philosophy in front of them lest they forget the benefits of working within the existing system.
The cap gives owners revenue certainty, players a percentage of revenues, and the sport a degree of competitive balance and stability.
If it all sounds like a lecture in Economics 101 it is. But the cap ultimately is the reason for those "GU 63" patches, and why they don't belong on uniforms for a full season.
Honoring Upshaw for a week, or even for an entire season on the Raider uniform he wore so well, is a good idea. Holding his legacy before players and fans for a season is excessive.
Gene Upshaw was a great player, worthy of the Hall of Fame for his Raider days. That he was a good man, a man of integrity, is also beyond question. It is only natural that owners and league officials want to honor a man they knew well and respected.
But we need to draw a line at the over the top honors on the field we've seen recently. Last year's league-wide morning of Sean Taylor, complete with 10 man formation during a play against the Bills, was more bizarre than respectful and often bore little relation to the man who wore number 21. It was mourning as media spectacle.
Gene Upshaw's life and football legacy can't be reduced to "GU 63". The NFL should have known that and come up with a shorter, more subtle tribute.
I'm not running for anything, so I can take a position and stick with it. Besides, it always seemed to work for John Wayne.
FOR The RedSox trading Manny Ramirez and for the Dodgers acquiring him. Win/win. Ramirez will play hard and hit well, if for no other reason than to show up the RedSox. On the other hand, who can blame the BoSox for believing that fruitcake is not a summer delicacy.
AGAINST The sportswriter who criticized Erin Andrews. I suspect there is a fair amount of jealousy involved in that a)nobody has heard of the writer and b)everyone has heard of Andrews. Is Andrews where she is because of her looks? Was Walter Cronkite the anchor at CBS all those years because of his voice? Your gifts get you to the table, your hard work keeps you there. Andrews deserves her place.
FOR Brett Favre playing this season with some team other than the Packers. Thompson and Company were ready for the changing of the guard before Favre had retired and he knew it. If he still wants to play, make the deal. Sixteen seasons and great numbers ought to buy some measure of respect. It's his life and the window of opportunity on his being a football player is closing fast.
AGAINST LeBron James signing with a Greek team as a free agent when his Cavalier contract is up. I know it wasn't going to happen despite the rumors, but I want to go on record. How can I blog about James if he's scoring 50 a night against Kolossus Rodou?
FOR Mandatory drug testing by the NCAA prior to high school players being allowed to sign a scholarship offer. It would be a great positive incentive for high school kids to stay away from drugs at a critical time in their lives, and keep many hard core abusers from coming to school and creating disciplinary problems. (By the way, wonder why absolutely no one even mentions this as an option?)
AGAINST Fantasy football. I'm terrible at it.
FOR Self delusion. The Astros have declared they will "never" be sellers at the trade deadline. That would be the same Houston Astros who thought Shawn Chacon was just the free agent pitcher they needed.
AGAINST Mark Cuban buying the Cubs. He should buy his hometown Pittsburgh Pirates instead. A small market team with a bottomless cup of payroll beats another mega market team with unlimited payroll. (I know the Pirates aren't for sale. But they should be.)
FOR A typhoon hitting the Olympics. The Olympics are to sports what infomercials are to late night TV. Besides, it couldn't happen to a nicer government. Possible downside-the number of meteorologists who will be detained and "reeducated".
AGAINST Terrell Owens missing practice two days in a row. You just know that he's thinking that we're thinking that he's thinking that we're thinking....
FOR Tony Stewart winning a race. Stewart has zero wins. The natural order of the universe has been disturbed.
AGAINST Guys named Busch winning NASCAR races (see above).
FOR College football season starting and with it blogs full of trash talk and rash predictions.
AGAINST Penn State becoming the state pen and the SEC becoming an expansion franchise of the federal prison system.
Do you ever wonder if you could retire, change your mind, and then call your employer's bluff by showing back up to work? And do you think Brett Favre will ever realize that George Constanza actually tried this first on an episode of Seinfeld?
Ever think back on your days in college and wish you could of cruised around campus in an SUV with tinted windows, an automatic weapon under the seat and some residue in the ash tray just so you could have been there when an employee of the university looked at the cameras and said, "I'm not giving up on this kid. I looked him in the eye and saw something worth saving."
Think you might want to go into work tomorrow and announce to anyone who will listen, "I'm sick of this organization and they're sick of me, so why don't they do something about it?" On your way out the door maybe you could knock down an elderly employee and curse at him because he couldn't get you enough free tickets to the company picnic.
Remember the day at work when somebody said something to you, you said something to him, there was some pushing and shoving and next thing you knew you were hitting him over the head with a hockey stick? So they gave you ten minutes in the break room and sent you home for the day.
Try this on your wife some time. Get implicated in using drugs banned by your employer, then tell everyone you know nothing about steroids, but a buddy of yours came over to the house and injected your wife because she wanted to look younger for some photos.
Some of you may have already tried this. Once you hit your eighties ignore the hints you're getting at work that you should retire. Let everyone know you'll make the decision year by year and you'll let them know when it's time. But not now.
Ever consider what you'd do if a fight broke about between a large group of women at work? OK, get your minds out of the gutter and think this through. Would knocking a 36 year old mother flat to break up the fight be an option?
Have you ever thought about what you'd do if you owned the Coliseum in Rome? Sure, it's a part of the country's heritage and all, but it's a real dump and knocking it down to make way for a new one would be real money maker for you (provided the city paid for the infrastructure to support your new coliseum)?
Were you one of those guys who thought once China got the Olympic games they would let dissidents speak out, ease restrictions on the press, and become more open to democracy? A related question? How much stuff around your house was bought after 2 a.m. during an infomercial?
Are there any asterisks in your personnel file beside your annual ratings because some of your best work was done with the aid of drugs?
Finally, think there are any good driving jobs where they encourage you to break the speed limit and all you have to do is make continuous left turns for three hours once a week?
Just when Paul McCartney thought the year couldn't get any worse......
You say short route, I say no
You call an out and I say go, go, go
Over throw You say retire and I say hello
I'm back you know I don't know why you thought I'd quit I say hello Hello, hello
I don't know why you say twelve Four's good to go
My salary is high, you say go
You say why, and I say I don't know
Oh, no
You say retire and I say hello
Hello, hello
I don't know why you say backup I'm good to go Heck no, heck no
I don't know why you won't say goodbye
I'd say Tampa hello
Why, why, why, why, why, why
Do you say retire
Retire, bye, bye, bye, bye
Oh, no
You say goodbye and I say hello
I've missed the snow I don't know why you say goodbye
I say let's go I'm all aglow I don't know why you say goodbye
I say hello
You've seen me throw I don't know why you say retire I say hello
Hello
Mrs. Alex Rodriquez: Keep your weight evenly distributed during the swing and make sure the trademark faces up. And you might want to consider one of those maple bats.
Brett Favre: Two words for you. Arena football. When was the last time you saw an arena football quarterback get hit? You could be making comebacks into your mid-40's.
Barry Bonds: There is a point in most episodes of Law & Order when the defense attorney leans over and, with a look of great seriousness, nods his head at the offer the DA just made. You can't see me, but I'm giving you that look. The feds don't care about Barry Bonds, they want to take down a network of steroid distributors. Give them what they want before you end up in some federal prison getting an asterisk carved into your back.
Ed Wade: Don't bother people while they're eating.
Manny Ramirez: Two words. Stub Hub.
Tiger Woods: You've got some free time. Shake up your image. I'm thinking some NBA style tattoos, body piercings, pimp up the old Buick. Get seen in public wearing that green jacket inside out with a sideways ball cap. Then go on the Golf Channel and tell them your one regret is that you'll always wonder how good you could have been if you'd actually enjoyed the game. You might want to wait until next April 1, but feel free to do it earlier if you get bored.
O.J. Mayo: Decide early on who you are and what your game is going to be about. You can be who Stephon Marbury is, or who he could have been.
ESPN: Get over yourself. The ESPY awards? Nobody cares. You're in danger of being what MTV is to music. A network about culture that forgot what its core business is.
LeBron James: Just go to New York already. The NBA will work something out. But if you do the dance of a thousand veils for the next two seasons you'll turn off the fans in Cleveland and alot of other places. Stay. Go. Just make a decision now.
Tony Stewart: Hire a weather guy. No excuse for coming in at New Hampshire when everyone could see rain was going to hit the track. All that stood between you and your first victory was not having some kid with a laptop and the URL of NOAA looking at the nearest radar. For the want of a nail...
The City of Seattle: Take the NBA's $75 million and let the Sonics go. Then look into creating an ABA for the new millennium. Eight team league to start, four overseas, salaries about half of what the NBA offers but a league bounty to go after a few big name stars. Emphasis on old school, fundamental basketball. The anti-NBA. Just crazy enough that it might work.
And finally.....To the New York Mets. Get rid of those awful black and blue caps. They symbolize everything wrong with the current direction of the team. The Mets are supposed to look like the likable alternative to the Yankees, not Brittany Spears roadies.
Changing channels I heard someone talk about how long it had been since a player had tasted victory. What does victory taste like? Chicken? Really good Gatorade?
If you're a Cubs fan it would be really smooth. It should, seeing how it's aged for one hundred years. Yankee championships taste like cigars wrapped in thousand dollar bills.
I like hearing the NASCAR announcers talk about a driver being able to smell victory. There's Dale Jr. coming into the last lap, talking to his crew chief. "Don't worry Dale, that's not the transmission, just the smell of victory. You probably don't remember it. Just give us one more lap."
The smell of defeat hangs on like Scott Boras trying to leach out the last five million in a seven year deal. Kobe Bryant probably is tired of hearing his kids ask him why the house smells like the New York Knicks.
Animals can smell fear. I'm betting the horses at the Belmont could smell Big Brown coming. They were probably rolling their eyes at each other when he came onto the track. "This ought to be good, he smells like the Mets in September".
Gene Mauch, the Phillies manager during their epic 1964 collapse, said he knew the season was lost when he looked into the eyes of his closer and saw fear. I imagine Joe Girardi looking into Sidney Ponson's eyes and seeing the Golden Arches.
Some sports images are gruesome. College coaches are fond of saying "My guys played their hearts out tonight." Imagine the phone conversations. "Mrs. Smithers, I'm sorry but we were down two touchdowns to State late in the 4th quarter and your son played his heart out. What's that? Yes, mam, I know it was a non-conference game, but your boy was a real competitor."
Most college coaches are deluded. They see things none of us see. Bobby Ray Jim Bob may have residue in the ash tray, an automatic weapon under the front seat, and a hooker in the back but somehow you know his coach will say "I looked in his eyes and saw a young man who needs athletics to put his life back together." Just once I'd like to here the coach say, "I looked in his eyes and saw "Law & Order" reruns. I wished him well and sent him home."
Then you have the phychic broadcaster. "I can feel the momentum changing, Bob." I'm skeptical, because it seems like they always say this right after some team has run off eight straight points. There may be one or two who can actually feel momentum shifting. I feel sorry for them. Their social lives have to be a nightmare. "I was out with Linda last night and suddenly I felt the momentum shift, so I dropped her off at the curb and went home."
Some poor guys can feel the electricity in the air. It's a little known fact that #### Vitale once threw himself on top of Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski during warmups of a Duke-Carolina game when he felt too much electricity in the air at the Dean Dome. Unfortunately, it was just accumulated static from Mike Shulman's scalp.
Finally, who are these guys who play for "pride". "No, no, you keep the $7.5 million I'm owed this year, I'm playing for pride." Does this mean there others who play because of deep seated self-loathing? "Mike, in the 4th quarter we were down 18 and I just hated myself so bad I threw myself under Tank Johnson and prayed the end would come quickly."
Gotta go. I smell victory. Or bacon. I get confused sometimes.
Greatest players in each sport. Twenty seconds to think. Ready set go.
Odds are many of you named Ruth in baseball, Michael Jordan in basketball, Jim Brown in football, Gretzky in hockey, Pele in soccer, Tiger Woods in golf, Pete Sampras and Martina Navratilova in tennis, and Dale Earhardt in NASCAR. OK, throw in Secretariat in horse racing with Willie Shoemaker along for the ride.
Miss anyone? Most of it is conventional wisdom which changes over time. But is it right? And if these guys are number one, who is number two? And who on that list makes a good claim at possibly being the best?
Baseball. Barry Bonds wrote himself out of this spot. Who can say what he's guilty of? Who can say what he isn't? Ty Cobb? Madison Avenue hasn't invented the PR firm which could reform his image. Not much power, either. Don't talk to me about Alex Rodriquez. We don't have that much time. Ted Williams? Not a complete player. Hank Aaron? Wagner, or a man who might well be the best ever, Nap Lajoie?
So, who's in second? I'll take Christy Mathewson. Before Ruth came along, Mathewson made New York fall in love with baseball. Mathewson set all kinds of records, but more than that gave baseball respectability with the upper class (and the chattering class-the media). Quite possibly the best pitcher of all-time, a master of control who never stood taller than in the spotlight of the biggest games. Erudite, largely a cipher, and the coolest customer of them all
Football. People get sentimental about Unitas, and he was the first great TV quarterback. But not as good as Elway. Jerry Rice is Cal Ripken. Joe Montana the definition of a professional. Lawrence Taylor a force of nature. Maybe Manning or Brady? Before it's over that argument will be made for one or both.
I'll go with #### Butkus. Taylor had more talent, but Butkus was football. If you ever get a chance to watch one of his games on video, keep an eye and an ear open. Hard to describe, but a Butkus tackle sounded like a car wreck. Forward momentum ceased. Strong men flinched. Butkus and Brown had the hearts of lions.
All that aside, it always bugs me that Terry Bradshaw's name isn't higher on these lists. The man worked hard to harness enormous talents and won Super Bowls. The Steelers without Bradshaw would not have been any where near successful. Put aside the laughing image. This was a great, great quarterback.
Basketball. Russell for all the banners in the old Boston Garden, Chamberlin for how he changed the game. Jabbar for the sustained excellence. Bird and Johnson, linked forever in time as competitors and showmen. All were great.
I'd throw two other names in, along with a qualification. I don't believe Jordan was the best. Maybe not even in the top three. I've seen Julius Erving play and Doctor J. would eat Jordan's lunch. Heresy aside, the best all-around player the game has seen may be Oscar Robertson. He had it all. Scorer, tremendous assist man, solid rebounder, tenacious defender. If not the best, then certainly no slouch at #2.
Hockey. Gordie Howe and Bobby Hull were tremendous scorers. Rocket Richard maybe the most glamorous player ever. Too many goalies to name.
This is easy, though. It has to be Bobby Orr at #2, maybe even #1. The pure excitement of Orr rushing out of the Boston zone into open ice is perhaps unmatched in sports. Fifteen thousand people catching their breath at one time. Pure magic. Skills rivaling Gretzky's from a defenseman. Hard to explain to anyone brought up on today's game. There may be another Gretzky. There will never be another Bobby Orr.
Soccer. A subject I know little to nothing about. I don't put Beckham in Pele's league, however, and someone who knows more history might even suggest two or three better. Pele dominated his sport in the way Ruth did baseball for a time.
Golf. Palmer or Nicklaus. Toss a coin. I'd take Nicklaus on talent. If they somehow could be matched in their prime I'm not sure Nicklaus wouldn't have beaten him if the played just once. Over a stretch Woods is better, but he never had other great players to press him the way Nicklaus did.
Tennis. I suppose you're supposed to say Rod Laver, who may have been the best. I'd go with Bjorn Borg. And if I had to have someone go out and win one match, not sure that Jimmy Conners wouldn't find a way to win. The women's side of the coin is much clearer. If not Navaratilova then Evert.
NASCAR. I think we forget RIchard Petty all too easily. Behind the image o####ood natured man in retirement is a record of unparalleled excellence. Earnhardt had the advantage of being around when the rest of the country discovered stock car racing. Petty was there at the beginning of the climb and won on guts and smarts.
Horse Racing. Secretariat may not be the greatest horse of all time, but he had the greatest film clip, pulling away from the field by what seemed like miles. Man of War, though, could easily be the best. What I wouldn't give to have seen them race.
Jockeys? I'll put one name in. Pat Day. Here it may be sentiment on my part, having seen Day ride and admiring his work for years. He perfected what is simply known as "the Pat Day ride", always knowing exactly when to make his move. Was he the best? I don't know, but he's the best I ever saw.
Number two is not a bad place to be. We don't remember number two, but we can always argue number one. It part of what makes sports so much fun.
(Reporter) Big, tough race out there today, disappointed?
(Big Brown) Let's see, I win the race and I get a bunch of carnations around my neck and a picture with a short guy on my back. Afterwards I go back, have a nice meal, and sleep in a barn. Then I end up getting put out to stud. If I have this figured right, all I'm out is the photo.
(Reporter) So you weren't trying?
(Big Brown) You saw the race.
(Reporter) Did you give it your all?
(Big Brown) Which part of "you saw the race" is escaping you, Einstein? Tell, you what, stamp on the ground three times if you can hear me. Next question.
(Reporter) Did your trainer guaranteeing a Triple Crown put any pressure on you?
(Big Brown) Oh, no (rolls eyes). You're out there with eleven other great athletes and your trainer is in the press saying they're all on their way to becoming dog food. When we were loading up you could cut the tension with a knife.
(Reporter) Did that affect the outcome?
(Big Brown) I'm on the rail to start, always a tough spot. The bell goes off and I'm boxed in. It just so happens the horse in front of me slows and "accidentally" kicks me. I blame Dutrow.
(Reporter) You come back from that and are in third on the far turn. Desormeaux says he asked you for a move and, I am quoting here, realized "I had no horse."
(Big Brown) He said what?
(Reporter) "I had no horse".
(Big Brown) Why that little (bleep). I drag his dead (bleep) around these (bleep) tracks and he says "I had no horse". What did he think he was riding, a (bleep) big (bleep) red dog?
(Reporter) You were lightly excercised between the Preakness and the Belmont. Did that have any effect on you?
(Big Brown) It ain't about that at all. It's easy to sum it up if
you're just talking about practice. We're standing here, and I'm
supposed to be the the first Triple Crown winner in 30 years, and we're talking about practice.
I mean listen, we're here talking about practice, not a race,
not a race, not a race, but we're talking about practice. Not the race
that I go out there and die for and run every race as if it's my last
but we're talking about practice man. How silly is that?
Now I know that I'm supposed to lead by example and all that
but I'm not shoving that aside like it don't mean anything. I know it's
important, I honestly do but we're talking about practice. We're
talking about practice man. (laughter from the media crowd) We're
talking about practice. We're talking about practice. We're not talking
about the race. We're talking about practice. When you come to the track, and you see me run, you've seen me run right, you've seen me
give everything I've got, but we're talking about practice right now.
(more laughter).
(Reporter) Big Allen Iverson fan?
(Big Brown) Why do you ask?
(Reporter) What about the quarter crack in the front hoof that wasn't patched until yesterday?
(Big Brown) Talk to Dutrow about that. I just show up and run the race. I'm not here to make excuses.
(Reporter) What did you think when Desormeaux pulled you up?
(Big Brown) "I had no jockey".
(Reporter) Meaning?
(Big Brown) I can see I'm not the only one in this room with a brain the size of a walnut.
(Reporter) Several people track side said your manners weren't good on the way to the gate and the heat appeared to be affecting you?
(Big Brown) My manners now is it? Well, excuse me for not prancing all the way out in 88 degree heat with darn near 100% humdity. You people think this is so easy, give it try. My gear is in the barn and I'm sure we can get Kenny boy to hop on your back and beat with a whip for two minutes while you're running as fast as you can.
Jay Bruce, the Reds phenom made his big league debut. Went 3-3, scored two runs, drove in two, stole a base. I say he should quit now. True, no Hall of Fame, no huge contracts, but he could tell his grand kids, "Nobody ever got me out."
What's the opposite of perfection? Oh, that would be "umpire". Watched the Nationals and Brewers the other day (lay off, somebody had to) and Don Sutton made the comment the umpire's strike zone was low and it would benefit the two starting pitchers. Assuming he was right, and watching the game it sure looked that way, who gave individual umpires the right to adjust the rule book strike zone? Want to know why games last three hours? Because umpires call the game their way and assume the players should adjust.
It could be worse. You could have a whole league structure trying to hand one team the championship. Start with the mysterious trade of Pau Gasol from Memphis to the Lakers. The Grizzlies didn't even try to get another offer and ended up with Kwame Brown and some draft choices who won't be around when the team goes broke, which is a distinct possibility. David Stern must believe he's commission of the ABA. At least that league had decent officiating, which after the Lakers (who else) were gifted Game 4 against San Antonio on a last second no call is more than you can say for the NBA.
Speaking of the Grizzlies, notice how many NBA teams are on life support? Eight teams drew less than 15,000 a game this season. The league wants to kill of Seattle. The Bobcats are slipping beneath the waves. Indiana is about ruined for the pro game by the player's antics. New Orleans should go out of business, but the league will keep the Hornets afloat rather than suffer the bad press from abandoning the Big Easy post-Katrina.
Don't you wish there was a Charles Barkley out there who could walk up to the real Charles Barkley and ask him what he could possibly be thinking? It's time to get Sir Charles out from behind the mike and give him a distraction so he won't feel the need to gamble. In all seriousness, the answer is coaching. Too bad nobody has asked the question yet.
Heard a rumor there is still hockey being played. It's almost June. Has to be a hoax.
Here's a first. Tony Stewart compared to Alfonso Soriano. Why? They both had it and dropped it in the same week. I don't buy Bob Brenly's knock on Soriano. He's not that bad an outfielder and what happened to him against the Pirates has happened to the best outfielders in the game at one time or another. Besides, if not left field then where? As for the Stewart, the glass half full crowd will tell you it's a good sign he was in it with a chance to win at the end. And they're right.
A better blogger would have answers. All I have is questions.
For instance, why are sports segregated? If you go back to the 70's there were alot of African-Americans playing baseball. And white guys starting in the NBA. And, as hard as it is to imagine, white running backs.
Now African-Americans don't play baseball and whites can't be found in the NBA. And white running backs? You see them about as often as someone sights the Loch Ness monster.
But is that a bad thing? Something that requires a remedy? Just one of those things?
Start with soccer and work up the sports food chain. Soccer in this country is day care for white kids. Let them go out and run around for a couple of hours until the ritalin kicks in. The rest of the world, everybody plays "the beautiful game". Here it's different. Why is that?
A part of me wants to give African-Americans credit for not taking an interest in soccer. What the world calls "football" reminds me of the punishment drills we used to run in school where you had to sprint to the top of the circle then back, then to mid-court then back, and on until your will to live was gone. Just with a goal at one end.
It could also be a question of space and where people live. Land is not plentiful for recreation in the inner cities. A basketball court fits just about anywhere, a soccer field requires real estate. But if space is the issue why is tennis not a bigger thing? After the Williams sisters, diversity among the big names in tennis is almost non-existent.
NASCAR is great at marketing and has opened up to places and demographics once untouched by the sport. Why no black drivers? Maybe because you have to start young at lower levels of the sport and it is a sport that requires an investment in not just time but financial resources. Can NASCAR bypass that part of the process and come up with an African-American driver on a major team? And would that draw any interest? Don't know, but we may find out eventually.
The NHL? Forgetaboutit. Or maybe not. Canada is becoming more diverse and basketball doesn't provide much competition. Here in America it's a matter, black or white, of having access to the relatively few available youth hockey programs. But hockey, played well, is a sport that combines many of the elements of football. Speed, skill, hitting. If football can be popular outside of white America, maybe within 30 years hockey could catch on. But not if you have to pay $60 for a decent seat.
Ah baseball. So much potential, so much decline, so much effort to change. I'll make what may seem to be an outlandish argument. This is our most integrated sport (and no, it isn't football despite what you may think). If you factor the wide range of foreign born players in, and the lack of stereotypes as to position (see the NFL) it is a remarkably diverse sport.
Here the drop in participation among African-Americans is part voluntary. It was there at one time and has faded. Basketball and football are the destinations of choice for black athletes. The shame is the odds are stacked against ever making a dime in either one. A good athlete has a much better chance of making money, big money, in baseball.
Culture kicks in. The youth culture embraces basketball. It is no accident rap and basketball intersect so often. Baseball is viewed as a "white" game even if no barriers were to exist to keep other groups out. The game itself is slower, equipment expensive, space to play limited. But there is nothing there which can't be overcome and to baseball's credit it is trying.
I have to bring up Barry Bonds. In retrospect, Bonds should have been baseball's Michael Jordan. If Michael Jordan had been surly, arrogant, self-absorbed, and chemically enhanced. To some degree baseball missed the boat in not promoting Bonds the way basketball did Jordan. But Bonds wanted to be the Godfather. RIch, respected, attended to. He wasn't interested in promoting the game. And so an opportunity was lost.
Now basketball. And the stickiest questions. Let's take as an assumption baseball is not diverse enough. That it has programs to reach out to inner cities. Should do more, and is criticized for not doing more.
Then about about round ball? At its highest level, the NBA, it is a reverse image of hockey in terms of diversity. Sure, there a few European white players, even a smattering of bench warmers from the states. But African-Americans own basketball.
If diversity is supposed to matter in other sports, if leagues are supposed to be working on fixing the problem, what is the NBA doing about its situation? Well, nothing, if you're watching the NBA finals. But is that such a bad thing?
Nobody is barring whites from courts. Nobody is keeping them from practicing hard and learning the skills they would need to advance. Whites do, in fact, participate in large numbers at lower levels of the game. So why even ask the question?
Well, there is this. The answer to the question of why America's most popular participant sport isn't beating out the NFL for #1 is simple. The TV demographics say that white America is losing interest in pro basketball. The ratings are way down from even ten years ago, and the demographics have shifted.
Walking out on a limb, some of this is cultural. Whites still watch college ball in record numbers. Is it because there are more white players? Or is it because the NBA is so strongly identified with African-American culture there is some sort of subtle "no whites" sign on the door nobody put there, nobody talks about, but everyone sees?
Another heretical question. Did white America watch Jordan and Magic in numbers which dwarf those of today's NBA ratings because they accepted them as "white" culturally? Is there a difference, even now, in how Kobe Bryant and Carmelo Anthony play in the suburbs?
Have we crossed the Rubicon in basketball? And will the divide get bigger in the future? And, bizarre as this sounds, should the NBA be attempting with white kids what baseball is doing in the inner cities? I'm not at all advocating it, but there is a certain logic.
Finally, the big guy on the block. Football. Ah, you say, the exception to the rule. Maybe yes, maybe no. Quick quiz. Imagine a player at each position and tell me are they black or white. Offensive line, defensive line, linebacker, secondary, tight end, wide receiver, running back, quarterback, kicker?
I bet I know your answers. I'd wager also in twenty years quarterbacks, tight ends, and offensive linemen will be all have different answers. Not because of any genetic differences, simply because historically immigrant groups and the poor in general have embraced athletics as a way up and out. (That and another 30 years of white soccer moms forcing kids to play non-contact sports).
Last question. Does any of this matter? Should we ask the questions or just embrace the differences? Will individual sports become more segregated in the future, or will we look back in 50 years and laugh at it all (which I surely hope will be the case)?
Rape, robbery, drugs, vandalism, disturbing the piece, gambling, firearms possession, patronizing prostitutes, and the occasional gun fight. And murder.
And that's just what we hear about.
So I propose we recruit a better class of criminal. Bring in some of the big names in sports and, for crying out loud, come up with something new in the way of sports crimes.
I would like to see:
Tony Romo arrested for stalking Jessica Simpson. Then as he's being lead away I hope the police hear him say he thought he was at Carrie Underwood's house.
Arnold Palmer going down for a massive conspiracy to sell watered down Pennzoil.
Wouldn't it be neat to learn that Wayne Gretzky was the head of organized crime in Canada?
Or to see John Madden taken away in cuffs after settling an old score by beating up Al Michaels with a turducken?
The new Yankee Stadium torched after the Steinbrenner family becomes engaged in a feud among organized crime families to control garbage delivery in Hoboken, New Jersey.
Every NBA referee from the 1990's is indicted for conspiring to allow Michael Jordan to travel EVERY SINGLE TIME HE TOUCHED THE BALL. Bitter? Me? No, why do you ask?
A few years down the road, Brett Favre arrested for taking a nurse hostage while trying to break out of a retirement home.
I want the head on Barry Bonds booking photo to not fit onto his mug shot. And for that to be introduced as evidence against him.
If at all possible I'd like to see Coach K on a convenience store video tape knocking over a 7-11.
Any kind of crime involving Charles Barkley dressed as a woman.
Annika Sorenstam arrested by the Department of Homeland Security in possession of a thermonuclear device.
David Beckham being stopped by cops in a small town in Alabama and repeatedly tazed after they knock out one of his head lights during a traffic stop. "You ain't from around here are you, boy?"
I want the University of Michigan to fire Rich Rodriquez after finding a still in his basement.
In a repeat of the famous typhoon scene in "The Caine Mutiny" the entire Navy football team court marshaled for staging a mutiny during the Wake Forest football game after trailing 17-5 at half time.
Scott Boras arrested as a pimp.
Charlie Weis in handcuffs after being caught as a wheel man in connection with a series of armed robberies committed by Lou Holtz (who is caught wearing a Steve Spurrier mask).
Bill Belichick booked as a peeping Tom. His accomplice, Roger Goodale, is found in possession of incriminating videos of their late night escapades.
And finally, I'd like to see O.J. Simpson repeat his famous slow speed car chase. On a Zamboni.
