You've been given the chance to go to one sporting event of your choice.

Where do you go?

BASEBALL

St. Louis for a World Series game.  Why?  Cardinal fans make St. Louis the best baseball city there is.  That's the solid, upright baseball answer.  The truth is the best Italian food in America is in The Hill section.  A good meal, a little baseball, what's not to like?

NFL FOOTBALL

Cowboy's-Packers in the NFC Championship game in Green Bay.  As a Cowboy fan I'd have to go to the game wearing a shirt that reads, "Kramer was offside".  The old guys would know what it meant.  We ALL know.  (Bitter, I'm not bitter).

COLLEGE FOOTBALL

As a Navy fan I'm supposed to say Army-NAVY.  But my favorite place to see a college football game is still Kenan stadium in Chapel Hill.  And there is nothing better than NC State-UNC late in the season.  Part of the reason is the rivalry between the Wolfpack and TarHeel fans.  Think Altamont without the good humor.

NBA BASKETBALL

Robert Browning wrote, "Ah, but a man's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a heaven for?"  That said, I want to see the Knicks at Madison Square Garden in the NBA finals.  And while I'm asking for the impossible, I'd like to sit next to Spike Lee.  "Say, you look familiar.  Aren't you Woody Allen?" 

COLLEGE BASKETBALL

Duke-Virginia at Cameron.  Not a big Duke fan, but here's the thing.  I go to football games at Duke and walk right by Cameron all the time.  But getting tickets there for an ACC game is next to impossible, and curiosity is getting the best of me.  The place looks really, really small from the outside so if everything is to scale I'm thinking Coach K is about three foot four.  Why Virginia?  Because I'm an Orioles fan and I need to maintain a reasonable level of suffering in the winter so the summers don't hurt as badly.

NHL

Oh, Canada!  I admit it, I'm a hopeless admirer of all things Canadian.  The Canadian National Anthem puts the rest to shame.  I can hear it in Raleigh, North Carolina, USA and want to run out and club to death with a moose antler and my bare hands, anyone who would dare take on "the true North strong and free".  Game seven, RedWings at Montreal, center ice tickets.  (Or is that centre ice?)

NASCAR

Daytona looks like fun.  Stopped there one time coming back from a baseball bus tour.  What I never realized is how steep the bank is on the track.  I believe in gravity as much as the next guy (at least till those boys with the Hadron Super Collider mess that up) but it's beyond ridiculous.  Must be done with mirrors, because there is no way the cars don't slide to the bottom.  I'd like to go there and see for myself.

THE OLYMPICS

Only if they are in Alabama.  Reason number one-the most beautiful women in the world live in Alabama.  Reason number two.  What, you need a reason number two?

I'm not running for anything, so I can take a position and stick with it. Besides, it always seemed to work for John Wayne.

FOR The RedSox trading Manny Ramirez and for the Dodgers acquiring him. Win/win. Ramirez will play hard and hit well, if for no other reason than to show up the RedSox. On the other hand, who can blame the BoSox for believing that fruitcake is not a summer delicacy.

AGAINST The sportswriter who criticized Erin Andrews. I suspect there is a fair amount of jealousy involved in that a)nobody has heard of the writer and b)everyone has heard of Andrews. Is Andrews where she is because of her looks? Was Walter Cronkite the anchor at CBS all those years because of his voice? Your gifts get you to the table, your hard work keeps you there. Andrews deserves her place.

FOR Brett Favre playing this season with some team other than the Packers. Thompson and Company were ready for the changing of the guard before Favre had retired and he knew it. If he still wants to play, make the deal. Sixteen seasons and great numbers ought to buy some measure of respect. It's his life and the window of opportunity on his being a football player is closing fast.

AGAINST LeBron James signing with a Greek team as a free agent when his Cavalier contract is up. I know it wasn't going to happen despite the rumors, but I want to go on record. How can I blog about James if he's scoring 50 a night against Kolossus Rodou?

FOR Mandatory drug testing by the NCAA prior to high school players being allowed to sign a scholarship offer. It would be a great positive incentive for high school kids to stay away from drugs at a critical time in their lives, and keep many hard core abusers from coming to school and creating disciplinary problems. (By the way, wonder why absolutely no one even mentions this as an option?)

AGAINST Fantasy football. I'm terrible at it.

FOR Self delusion. The Astros have declared they will "never" be sellers at the trade deadline. That would be the same Houston Astros who thought Shawn Chacon was just the free agent pitcher they needed.

AGAINST Mark Cuban buying the Cubs. He should buy his hometown Pittsburgh Pirates instead. A small market team with a bottomless cup of payroll beats another mega market team with unlimited payroll. (I know the Pirates aren't for sale. But they should be.)

FOR A typhoon hitting the Olympics. The Olympics are to sports what infomercials are to late night TV. Besides, it couldn't happen to a nicer government. Possible downside-the number of meteorologists who will be detained and "reeducated".

AGAINST Terrell Owens missing practice two days in a row. You just know that he's thinking that we're thinking that he's thinking that we're thinking....

FOR Tony Stewart winning a race. Stewart has zero wins. The natural order of the universe has been disturbed.

AGAINST Guys named Busch winning NASCAR races (see above).

FOR College football season starting and with it blogs full of trash talk and rash predictions.

AGAINST Penn State becoming the state pen and the SEC becoming an expansion franchise of the federal prison system.

FOR The NFL returns!

Do you ever wonder if you could retire, change your mind, and then call your employer's bluff by showing back up to work? And do you think Brett Favre will ever realize that George Constanza actually tried this first on an episode of Seinfeld?

Ever think back on your days in college and wish you could of cruised around campus in an SUV with tinted windows, an automatic weapon under the seat and some residue in the ash tray just so you could have been there when an employee of the university looked at the cameras and said, "I'm not giving up on this kid. I looked him in the eye and saw something worth saving."

Think you might want to go into work tomorrow and announce to anyone who will listen, "I'm sick of this organization and they're sick of me, so why don't they do something about it?" On your way out the door maybe you could knock down an elderly employee and curse at him because he couldn't get you enough free tickets to the company picnic.

Remember the day at work when somebody said something to you, you said something to him, there was some pushing and shoving and next thing you knew you were hitting him over the head with a hockey stick? So they gave you ten minutes in the break room and sent you home for the day.

Try this on your wife some time. Get implicated in using drugs banned by your employer, then tell everyone you know nothing about steroids, but a buddy of yours came over to the house and injected your wife because she wanted to look younger for some photos.

Some of you may have already tried this. Once you hit your eighties ignore the hints you're getting at work that you should retire. Let everyone know you'll make the decision year by year and you'll let them know when it's time. But not now.

Ever consider what you'd do if a fight broke about between a large group of women at work? OK, get your minds out of the gutter and think this through. Would knocking a 36 year old mother flat to break up the fight be an option?

Have you ever thought about what you'd do if you owned the Coliseum in Rome? Sure, it's a part of the country's heritage and all, but it's a real dump and knocking it down to make way for a new one would be real money maker for you (provided the city paid for the infrastructure to support your new coliseum)?

Were you one of those guys who thought once China got the Olympic games they would let dissidents speak out, ease restrictions on the press, and become more open to democracy? A related question? How much stuff around your house was bought after 2 a.m. during an infomercial?

Are there any asterisks in your personnel file beside your annual ratings because some of your best work was done with the aid of drugs?

Finally, think there are any good driving jobs where they encourage you to break the speed limit and all you have to do is make continuous left turns for three hours once a week?

Notes from around the world of sports:

Remember when Charles Barkley used to talk about possibly running for Governor of Alabama.  I've got 5-1 that's not happening.  (I'll even give points).

Great playoffs this year in the NBA.  Will it translate into higher TV ratings and popularity for the game?  Maybe yes, maybe no.  College basketball has universal appeal, but the pro game doesn't.  In theory the NBA should overtake the NFL.  In reality, it's not close.

The question has changed from whether the Patriots cheated to whether it helped them on the field.  If you accept that Bill Belichick is a very smart coach, and he is, why would he have taken such risks if there was no advantage?  We're not talking the 1919 WhiteSox, but what New England did to the intergrity of the game is in that neighborhood.

A Florida player used the gas card of a young woman who died in an accident with her boyfriend who played for the Gators.  Pretty awful, even by college sports standards, and the player was kicked off the team.  But where is the accountability for the coaching staff that recruited him?  College coaches bring bad actors on campus and put up with misconduct,  then act shocked when it crosses a line.  Coaches preach accountability to players.  They should practice it.

The NFL has it's own character problems.  Off season arrests are stuck at the same levels as the past, regardless of Commissioner Goodale's actions against the likes of PacMan Jones.  Sports is like education.  It all starts at home.

When is Tony Stewart going to find a groove?  Arguably the best driver in NASCAR has finished no better than 4th in his last five races.  Stewart's driving style hasn't changed, but he's like a jockey coming down the stretch without enough horse under him.  Is the real problem in the garage at Joe Gibbs racing?

The Saint Louis Cardinals will get Mark Mulder and Chris Carpenter back at some point this season.  Already in the hunt, that will be the equivalent of two pretty good in-season trades without giving up a player.  Most observers want to concede the NL Central to the Cubs, but St. Louis and Houston can't be counted out.

Speaking of the Astros, has anyone noticed the numbers Lance Berkman has hung up?  Fifteen home runs, 43 RBI, and a .391 average.  It works out to 57 home runs and 165 RBI.  It could be one of the great seasons of modern baseball, and without even a suggestion of steroids. 

Which makes you think.  What is ARod doing for his $28 million?  Four home runs, 11 RBI, .285.   When you see Rodriquez and Tulowitzski going out with quadriceps injuries you start to believe strength training is a two edged sword.  Today's players have more power than ever, but at the cost of durability.

Quick.  Who is in the Stanley Cup chase?  I don't know and I like to think I'm a hockey fan.  The league took in alot of money in franchise fees and expanded to non-traditional markets to increase interest in the sport.  Now there are no more than two good lines (if that) on teams and the quality of the game has eroded badly.  Soon nobody will care.

Women's sports lost their best tennis player (Henin) and best golfer (Sorenstram) in the same week.  Imagine if baseball lost Jeter and basketball Howard at the same time.  They could sustain the loss, but will women's tennis and golf be able to?  Hard to see how.

Big Brown should win the Triple Crown.  But without a rival there to challenge in each race and build interest it will be the least exciting triple in racing history.  The horse lacks something.  You hate to say it, because it is an animal we're talking about, but there is a personality issue there (or lack of one).

And finally, the Cleveland Cavaliers.

The Gettysburg Address would sound nutty if Ozzie Guillen read it.

The greatest hitter since Ted Williams can't get a contract offer.

Is Gerald Ford of Michigan the only president we've had from a school with a decent football team?

And did McCain graduate ahead or behind Roger Staubach?

Find one unkind word anyone has ever written about Arnold Palmer.

If the Spurs go down I want it to be in the finals. Beat the champ to be the champ.

How is it the NBA is the only sport that suspends key players during the playoffs?

Larry Brown and the Charlotte Bobcats is a crazy enough idea which might just work out.

Why are they recreating the plot line from "Hoosiers" at Indiana?

And why does Obama keep getting those pictures made shooting hoops when they make him look like he could be schooled by Urkel?

So LSU kicked it a star quarterback with no interest in school or the rules. Better question, what was he doing there in the first place?

Which number is bigger? The number of light years to Mars or the number of times next season we'll have to hear some announcer gushing about Tyler Hansbrough staying at UNC?

When the news comes out that Marge Simpson slept with Roger Clemens I'm cutting the TV off for good.

And come to think of it, why did Hilary start wearing that Yankees cap if she had always been a Cubs fan?

Astronomers at an observatory in Germany have detected faint radio waves which may be the dying audio signature of the National Hockey League.

Big Brown is probably going to win the Triple Crown, but against inferior competition. A weak field at the Kentucky Derby is going to be much weaker at the Preakness.

What would the take be if betting was allowed on NASCAR?

Dale Jr. isn't going to coast to his first win in seventy-one races. He's got to go out and take it.

If there were true equality for women in sports Danica Patrick would be as unknown as every other Formula 1 driver.

And finally, Mike Dantoni and the Phoenix Suns.

An uninformed view on NASCAR from a casual fan who has spent the past two years trying to figure out what a "lucky dog" is.

I know the Daytona 500 is NASCAR’s Super Bowl but did the pre-race festivities have to go on as long as the run up to the XLII? When Michael McDonald sang the line in ‘Takin’ It To The Streets’ “I was raised here in this living hell.” I thought he was talking about the pre-game entertainment.

For entertainers there are three stages. Life, death, and the career near death experience of performing at sporting events. Message to Chubby Checker, McDonald, and Brooks & Dunn. It’s over.

I’m cursed. Every year I do FOX NASCAR Fantasy Racing and every year stuff like this happens. Today I had Jeff Gordon, Kyle Busch, Jeff Burton, and Clint Bowyer. I ask you, what are the odds of Jeff Gordon finishing 39th?

Kyle Busch had the best ride of anyone in the field but couldn’t get there at the end. Bowyer had good moments and bad luck, and Burton pulled the biggest vanishing act since Harry Houdini after taking the lead near the end.

I have a degree in economics (I thought women were into economists. Who knew?) and they taught us about spurious correlation. That’s where you tie an outcome to an unrelated event. Here is mine. As soon as Jeff Burton took the lead FOX started showing his wife and then he disappeared.

Now this happens with husbands and wives at times, but it shouldn’t be allowed to happen down the stretch at Daytona. Hereafter Mrs. Burton should be sent to the concession stand until he closes the deal.

My favorite driver is Tony Stewart. Compared to the other drivers he’s a Jack Daniels in a shot glass on a bar lined with skim milk in paper cups. One more reason? He finds a way to compete when things aren’t clicking. Today his ride wasn’t there, but he still was in third and looking for ways to win at the end. That’s the definition of a winner.

Why do bad things always happen within 15 feet of Pablo Montoya? Even when he’s not at fault he’s close enough for everyone to think he must have been involved.

It’s just the opposite with Sam Harnisch Jr. He came over from the Indy circuit and had a good, clean ride that kept him competitive without becoming a menace to navigation. He’s one to watch this year.

Casey Mears may be about to have a big season. Ran up around five late in the race before being set back by an accident. If he keeps riding that close to the front good things will happen.

Good start for the FOX announcers. They manage to stay out of the way of the race but step in with concise insights that add to your understanding of the action. How many times do you hear that about sportscasters? And Darrell Waltrip’s comments about passing the point where #3 crashed were well said without being overly sentimental.

NASCAR isn’t perfect, and it’s sure not what the executives running the show hoped it would become. But on a Sunday in February it was sure a welcome sight.

And finally, Jimmie Johnson.

Like Dale Earnhardt Jr. Don't like him driving for Hendrick Motor Sports. Give Clint Bowyer or Martin Truex the same ride and they are instant contenders. Leaving Step Mommie Dearest was a no brainer, but going to Hendrick is a no winner. If Junior wins he was supposed to, if he loses the second guessing will be quick and nasty.

Is Canseco lying about Ordonez? Could be. Ordonez' power numbers in the minors projected to what he's done in the majors. Production is consistent, with no unexplainable spikes. You can make the argument Ordonez numbers go back to his status as the rare power hitter who has never struck out or walked 100 times in a season.

Chuck Knoblauch still hasn't been located by the feds to testify before Congress. Let's see. The Unabomber, Eric Rudolph, and Osama Bin Laden. I'd have to say time is on Knoblauch's side.

Who is Jared Camp? The player Minnesota traded to the Florida Marlins in 1999 for Johan Santana. Never made it to the majors. One other bit of trivia about Santana (93-44 lifetime). He first signed with the Astros, who lost him in the Rule V draft to Florida. Go figure.

Someone has to say this other than me. What is with Eli Manning trying to grow a mustache? Payton, how about a priceless pep talk for your brother?

Top three Petty picks the NFL won't want to hear at the Super Bowl halftime show. "The Criminal Kind". "Last Dance With Mary Jane". "Dogs On The Run".

O.J. Mayo took court side tickets to a NBA game from Carmelo Anthony. To the NCAA this is a problem. That Mayo is attending a college he has no intention of graduating from? Not an issue. That the NBA and the NCAA collude to prevent him from making a living at a profession he very soon will practice? Not to be discussed.

From a story about Urban Meyer and the girlfriend of a player he was recruiting. "I used to talk to him every day......He wanted me to come here and do gymnastics." Naturally, an investigation is under way because Meyer was recruiting outside his sport. Bigger question. How much of your dignity and self respect would you have to sell out to be a college coach?

The former Duke lacrosse coach is suing the school over slander allegations. Mike Pressler was hung out to dry by the school in the wake of rape allegations against his players. Who do you pull for? A college administration that couldn't wait for legal proceedings to take their course, or a coach who (giving him the benefit of the doubt) was clueless about his player's conduct off the field?

From today's "Raleigh News and Observer" 'Tyler Hansbrough (UNC) Rates His Top Three Dunks Of The Season". A six eleven guy dunks and we're supposed to be impressed? Talk about your three best passes, three screens you fought through, three blocks on the paint. But three inch layups? Yawn.

Senator John McCain was quoted today as saying he respected Rush Limbaugh. No word on his opinion of Donovan McNabb.

And finally, the San Francisco Giants.

I love the internet.  It's a big attic with all kinds of great stuff in it.  Open any box.  There's always something interesting.  Most of it's useless, it's killing our productivity, and the kids have seen more porn by the time they are 14 than Hugh Hefner has produced in a lifetime.  But you just have to look.

Which brings me to Google Trends:

http://www.google.com/trends

You type in a name and based on the number of clicks you see a chart of the last few years.  You can believe it's the first thing Paris Hilton looks at every morning, right after the mirror.  There is also a listing of the top ten cities for clicks on a given name.

Which brings me to Sidney Crosby and why the NHL is doomed to second class sports citizenship.

The volume of clicks on Crosby's name is respectable, but it's the top ten cities that ought to worry the league.  1. Halifax, 2. Moncton, 3. Pittsburgh, 4. St. Johns,  5.  Burlington,  6. Quebec,  7. Winnipeg,  8. Hamilton,  9. Kitchener, 10, London.  Nine cities in Canada and Pittsburgh for the best and most marketable player in hockey.

Compare Crosby to LeBron James.

1. Cleveland, 2. Columbus, 3. Philadelphia, 4. Chicago, 5. Miami, 6. Washington, 7. New York, 8. Toronto (which Crosby didn't get), 9. Atlanta, 10. Houston.

This is why the smart money is invested in the NBA.  You get all the media centers.  Anywhere an advertiser wants to go, LeBron James and the NBA is already there.

Tiger Woods?  He's big doings in Minneapolis, box office in Atlanta, Dallas, and Chicago, and even gets alot of attention from Birmingham, England. 

Jimmy Rollins is probably the best player in baseball and completely unknown outside of Philadelphia and New York.

Tom Brady gets you all of Massachusetts and all the warm weather cities, (Miami, LA, SD).  He's gold in the major markets and even gets a fair number of Portugese clicks.  What is a Portugese click?  Not a clue?  Or a click?

Brady's Super Bowl opposite number, Eli Manning gets the biggest number of his clicks in Jackson, Mississippi followed by New York and Newark.  You always associate Jackson and New York, right?

NASCAR can be proud of Jeff Gordon.  He gets clicks from Charlotte but also from Atlanta, Dallas, Chicago, and Phoenix.

Serena Williams gets you Atlanta, Miami, and Washington but also Brussels and Melbourne.  Roger Federer is even more international.  He owns Zurich but Latin America even more.  He clicks in big from Buenos Aires, Lima, and Santiago.  But wait, there's more!  With Federer you also get Montreal, Sydney, Toronto, and New York City.  You hear me right....New York City!

So if you're bored, go to Google Trends and check out your favorite player or celebrity.  Just don't type in Dudski.  Sadly, "does not have enough search volume to show graphs". 

We'll work on that and get back to you.

What's happening in the world of sports?

Herschel Walker has multiple personalities. The startling revelation came in an announcement that he was donating one to New York Giants coach Tom Coughlin, a victim of a rare genetic disorder that caused him to be born without a discernible personality.

Late breaking news just in. Giants quarterback Eli Manning was rushed to a Green Bay, Wisconsin hospital today after his chocolate milk mustache froze during an afternoon practice session. Doctors chipped away the mustache, and also managed to revive a frozen #### Manning was carrying on his back. The ####, named Phillip Rivers Jr., is reportedly resting comfortably at Vince Lombardi Memorial Hospital.

The commissioner of baseball today voided a deal between the Baltimore Orioles and Houston Astros which would have sent three crack addicts, two steroid users, and an unassembled meth lab to the Astros for all-star first baseman Lance Berkman and the two remaining minor league pitching prospects in the Houston system.

Said Commissioner Bud Selig, "The Orioles trading Tejeda the day before the Mitchell Report was kind of funny, but this was just sad." Astros owner Drayton McLane was quoted as saying, "I had no idea. They seemed like nice young men, and I thought those parts were for a new cappuccino machine."

In a spontaneous outburst of emotion after their 82-80 upset win over North Carolina, Maryland players began singing "Maryland, My Maryland" the official state song. Eyebrows were raised when the team reached the climatic verse, which includes the line "Huzza! she spurns the Northern scum!"

On a sad note, announcer Brent Musberger was admitted to a Chapel Hill hospital after the game. Musberger suffers from a rare form of Tourette's syndrome in which the sufferer blurts out the word "deuce" as many as seventy-five times an hour for no apparent reason. His partner, Steve Lavin, was willing to comment to reporters but was totally unintelligible.

NASCAR continues to broaden it's appeal with additional Jimmie Hendrix themed commercials for the upcoming season. The next will feature "Crosstown Traffic" ('Tire tracks all across your back, I can see you've had your fun'.) Plans to film David Ragan's car flipping upside down and catching flames to the tune of "If 6 Was 9" are on hold due to insurance problems. But Jeff Gordon is said to be "intrigued" by a series of commercials titled, "And The Wind Cries Gordon".

Penn State University officials will meet this week to discuss the future of coach Joe Paterno. Among the options under consideration is a movie deal that would pair Paterno and Bobby Bowden of Florida State in a remake of "Grumpy Old Men".

Roger Clemens has produced witnesses who will testify he did not have an abscess on his buttocks during 1998.

Golf Channel announcer Kelly Tilghman today insisted that while she suggested Tiger Woods be "taken into a back alley and lynched", she could not be branded a racist since she also has advocated throwing Phil Mickelson into a shark tank and feeding Ernie Els into a wood chipper.

And finally, the Miami Heat.

A quick blitz of the day's sports news.

Cowboys out. The impression that lasts. The body language of Tony Romo in the fourth quarter. Confusion, frustration, a face that was seeing chickens coming home to roost and knew it. Conventional wisdom says the Jessica Simpson Mexican vacation shouldn't matter. But somehow it feels like it did, and sometimes perception becomes reality.

It came down to Billy Volek and Payton Manning and Volek won. I like Manning, Dungy, and the Colts but enjoyed seeing the Chargers backup QB steal the glory. It was a big game for the Colts, but it was the game of a lifetime for Billy Volek.

Alex Ovechin signed with the Washington Capitols for 13 years and $124 million dollars. To put that in some perspective, that is three full presidential terms and one additional year. The last guy to get a contract that long in DC was Franklin Delano Roosevelt.

The Chicago Bulls players thought Joakim Noah's one game suspension for verbally abusing an assistant coach wasn't enough, so they went to management and had him benched for one more. The lesson? More than we know, professional athletes care about their teams and the game itself.

Then there is Kwame Brown. It's crossroads time for Brown. Andrew Bynum is out for two months and the Laker season will rise or fall on Brown's ability to fill the gap. The Romans said the past is prologue. If so, I suspect LA is going down like a rock. Brown has talent, but the kind that runs and hides when the scoreboard clock starts running.

Johnny Podres passed away yesterday. He was a "Yankee killer" back when the Dodgers-Yankees was the best rivalry in professional sports. It is sad to see the Boys of Summer leaving the stage, sadder still to think that not long into the future few will remember that a team once grew in Brooklyn.

Roger Clemens wants to clear his name. I know how. Forget the lawsuits. Forget TV interviews. Come back. Sign with the Astros. Show up on Day 1 of spring training. Volunteer for monthly drug tests. Invite the press to watch your work out routine. Then gut it out for seven months and 31 trips to the mound. Put up or shut up.

Don't you love hearing Hendrix on that Nascar commercial? But "All Along the Watchtower"? How did they miss "Cross Town Traffic"?  'Tire tracks all across your back. I can see you had your fun.'

Time to start paying attention to college basketball. When did Indiana get to be good again? Twenty-seven consecutive home wins? A second half shutdown of Illinois?

Duke looks like Duke. As the lone University of Virginia basketball fan on the planet I had hopes for an upset this weekend. 87-65. The scary thing is this is a rebuilding year at Duke. Sure wish UVA could rebuild like that. Looks like UNC-Duke is going to be something to look forward to. My money is on UNC, though. There is good, then there is Carolina. They may not lose this year.

Which brings me to college baseball. Which is not but about a month away. I'll be out at the frozen confines of the UNC-Greensboro stadium on February 22 for the game against Kent State. Can't stand hearing the "ping" of metal bats, but you gotta be true to your school and to baseball.

Why couldn't the curse of Jessica Simpson have fallen on Tom Brady instead of Tony Romo?

Why does a jump shot a forty-five year old banker could make on his lunch break count as three points in the NCAA, while a shot you make with two six eleven guys beating you senseless in the paint counts two?

Why, if quitters never win and winners never quit, has Roger Clemens done so well financially by retiring over and over again?

Why has no one cast Coach K in the role of Scrooge in any of the remakes of a Christmas carol?

Why was Barry Bonds not satisfied with just being the greatest hitter since Ted Williams?

Why do I miss #### Vitale when I complain so much about him when he works?

Why has everyone forgotten Cory Lidle so quickly?

Why doesn't NASCAR add weight to cars driven by guys who shop in the juniors department at J.C. Penny?

Why do you assume I meant Jeff Gordon?

Why do the Dodgers think Joe Torre will make a difference when his record as a National League manager is 109 games under .500?

Why do teams bring their best relievers in just for the ninth inning with no men on base when games are more often decided with men on base in the seventh?

Why does LeBron James remind me so much of George McGinnis standing still and Michael Jordan when he's moving?

Why do people still buy season tickets for the Pittsburgh Pirates?

Why are there more serious injuries now that the NHL has stricter rules against fighting?

Why does baseball take such a beating on steroids when football is much more likely to have serious problems with HGH?

Why does a college football game take three and a half hours to play?

Why doesn't anybody wonder how college athletes pay for the late model SUV's they are usually driving when the police find the gun under the seat and marijuana in the ashtray?

Why don't we just get the DH in both leagues or do away with it?

Why is Goose Gossage headed for the Hall of Fame and Lee Smith isn't?

Why won't someone buy the Florida Marlins and move them to North Carolina? (Please)

Why didn't whatever Stephon Marbury had in high school and college translate to the NBA?

Why do NFL cheerleaders look like the results of a really successful job of cloning?

Why can a college coach walk out in the middle of a contract and a college player has to wait a year before playing if they transfer?

Why is women's soccer more interesting than men's?

Why are there so many bad teams in the NFL this season?

Why do we blog?

Your workplace is not like their workplace.

People don't chant "You S__k!" while you work. (Unless you're a manager and then only after you leave the room).

Kobe Bryant doesn't think he's too good to work with you and ask your boss to find better people for him to work with.

You don't come to work in the morning in Miami and find out you have to report to a new job in Toronto tonight.

They don't ask you to keep working with a concussion.

Nothing that happens in the last five seconds of your work day has any bearing on your continued employment.

Nobody stops you on your way into or leaving from work to ask for an autograph (excluding process servers).

You've never been asked to stick a needle into another employee's lower extremities in order to enhance their work place efficiency.

Reebok will not sue you if you forget and wear Nikes to work.

You can date a fellow employee.

You do not have to shower with your coworkers.

There is no job description requiring you to bend over and let another employee put his hands between your legs while randomly screaming numbers until he calls out the right one.

If a coworker is attacked by someone from another company with a large stick and beaten repeatedly, you can go back inside and call 9-1-1 as opposed to participating in the mayhem.

If you do well at your job nobody throws a small, hard spheroid at your head at speeds approaching ninety-five miles an hour.

Your day doesn't start with forty people in your office placing their hands together in a circle, making animal noises, and shouting "teamwork" (OK, maybe at Martha Stewart Living, but that's the exception).

After you screw up really bad at work, Bonnie Bernstein doesn't approach you on your way into the bosses office to ask what went wrong out there.

You don't have to listen to Phil Jackson's zen schtick.

Jim Rome doesn't laugh at your misfortune, pause for what seems like an hour, then repeat the same inane remark. Then start over for another fifteen minutes.

Nobody blogs about the quality of your work.

You're overpaid and nobody knows it.

If you go to Vegas, throw money at strippers and cause a riot, it's just an interesting story when you get back and not a reason to give you a year's unpaid leave.

The federal government is probably not investigating you.

You don't complete key job tasks while the rest of the office sits together watching you, yelling encouragement, and spitting on the floor.

When things aren't going well at work you can't see someone getting ready to come in and replace you.

If your staff does a good job they don't sneak up behind you with a twenty gallon container of Gatorade and ice and dump it on you.

Nothing you do at work is strenuous enough to require you to use oxygen.

People aren't constantly comparing your work to your brother's.

If you have a groin injury it will not be announced in a press release.

I will not use the word "Nike" in a critical way in 2008. (Which, of course, precludes me from using it at all). I am trying to figure out a code word(s) to use instead. EVIL Corp is one possibility.

I will stop needling Roger Clemens. (OK, that one I probably won't keep).

In 2008 I will not write any blogs implying that the leadership of the NCAA belongs to an evil cult that destroys academic standards, turns over campuses to roving bands of barely literate drug crazed sexual predators, prostitutes itself to EVIL Corp, and secretly worships Brent Musberger inside underground temples lined with $100 bills. (This, of course, is not true. It's really #### Enberg).

I will not use the words "fossil" and Joe Gibbs in the same sentence, nor imply that he will return to DC next season as an exhibit in the Museum of Natural History.

I will not repeat rumors about Jeff Gordon. It is not true, for example, that he does not remove his helmet during post-race fights because he has a Darth Vader complex.

Next season I will stop discussing how inept the Baltimore Orioles are once they have been mathematically eliminated from the AL East race. Mark down May 24th on your calendars now.

The strange resemblance between Isiah Thomas and a chipmunk will not be commented upon.

There will be no more references to the New York Yankees organization as the logical successor to the Gambino crime family.

I will pretend to like soccer.

I will pretend to understand soccer.

I will pretend to understand why people like soccer.

I will draw no more unfortunate physical comparisons between Hilary Clinton in a pants suit and John Madden.

I will stop referring to the Republican candidates for president as the weakest lineup since the 2002 Tampa Bay Devil Rays.

There will be no more suggestions that Coach K. has a Napoleonic complex. His annexation of the Duke Gardens and a portion of the Fuqua Business School, in hindsight, appear to have been a reasonable way of dealing with legitimate grievances.

I will not refer to "Hooters" as a developmental league for NFL cheerleaders.

I will refrain from speculating in print that Kobe Bryant's tattoos wash off.

No more calling Bill Belichick a weasel. And I hereby express my sincere apologies to any weasels I may have offended.

Finally, I resolve to forget all resolutions made in 2007.

Are the Rangers just playing games with Milton Bradley?

Would you show up for a morning shoot around with Jamal Tinsley?

If you missed seeing the Heisman awards, can you replay it on your Tebow?

Would NASCAR ever allow a car number 3.1466666666, or is it just a pie in the sky dream?

Is the reason Oakland didn't make the Super Bowl last year that the Rolling Stones would gather for no Moss?

Who cashed in John Madden's frequent flyer miles?

Was Michael Vick dogging it during his last season in Atlanta?

What will the Giants buy now that they cashed in their Bonds?

What is the difference between an odd man rush and an odd man in a rush?

If you went to a race yesterday and saw the Car of Tomorrow, and if you went to another race today, would you see the Car of the Day After Tomorrow?

Why weren't throw back jerseys cool the first time around?

If Ohio State lost to Illinois and Illinois lost to Iowa and Iowa lost to Western Michigan and Western Michigan lost to North Dakota State and North Dakota State lost to South Dakota State and South Dakota State lost to Georgia Southern and Georgia Southern lost to Elon, then why isn't Elon playing LSU for the National title?

If Les Miles bleeds Michigan blue, will he still be able to get a transfusion in Ann Arbor?

When is it fair to foul?

Why is stealing rewarded in sports?

How far down the line of succession in England is Count Chocula, and will Captain Crunch ever receive a promotion?

And it isn't Tim Tebow.

Let's start there. The 20-20 TD club? An interesting stat. Like knowing the ratio of pigeons to statues in New York City. But what does it tell you? Does it put Tebow up there with the best ever? While we're at it, is the Heisman trophy even relevant? Here's your four heroes, pick whichever one the hype machines paint the nicest golden shade. Don't worry if you guess wrong, there are better players not on the dance card.

The bowl games are coming up. Ohio State and LSU. Where's Georgia? Where's USC? Where's the game that will settle it all. Not getting one of those this year. And how about Les Miles? He seemed awful fond of Michigan's maize and blue, but somehow managed to develop an affinity to LSU's green along the way. What about a nice punch in the mouth to any coach who uses the word "kids" in a sentence?

Sports is getting more and more like Christmas. There's just so much of it. Inescapable, commercialized beyond reason, and everyone says you're supposed to be excited. "Honey , does it blow your mind that the prophets would lie." Rodney Crowell got it right.

Another day another multi-million dollar football coach who may or may not ever win anything. A new $100 million stadium renovation plan at Rutgers, while they cut $114 million from the academic budget and eliminate six sports that real students take part in.

More athletes arrested, but that's a given. Would be a headline story if a day went by and none were downtown getting the free profile photo pack.

So you turn on the news and there is Barry Bonds. The best hitter since Ted Williams walking into court surrounded by the best defense team money can buy, sporting a reputation money can't fix.

Some 17 year old trigger man wants to make a deal after shooting down Sean Taylor in his home. Pathetic. Sad. Disgusting. Meanwhile, what to think? One day everybody talks about Taylor's murder as a byproduct of his lifestyle. The next day all and sundry moralize about a rush to judgement. Then the NFL does what it does, and turns death into a United Way commercial version of life, complete with missing man formation. Everything and nothing was true. None of it really much matters.

Someone is throwing down a dunk on TV. Down by 20, but keeping track of the style points. A muscle bound layup. And we clap because we're supposed to, and we watch because there is nothing else on, and then we hit the mall to buy $120 sneakers that cost $17 to produce. Could be worse, we could be scraping by in Southeast Asia making shoes. Or we could be the last American shoe maker, if one exits.

A little light reading is good this time of year. The Mitchell report will come out Thursday. Owners will try to act suprised and morally outraged when the players they managed not to see juicing are named in black and white. Maybe Bonds won't look so bad when so many other big names don't look so good.

Todd Bertuzzi is back skating after a concussion. Steve Moore, the guy who he attacked from behind and severely injured a few years back, is out of hockey. The lawyers have been playing tether ball with it for two years. Now there is testimony it all happened because Bertuzzi's coach wrote on a locker room black board that Moore should "pay a price". Hope Moore got a receipt with "paid in full" marked on it.

And so we stagger on. Through the winter meetings, through bowls, through the Super Bowl. Maybe we'll get what we want for Christmas. The Cowboys inflicting rough justice on the Patriots for various sins, real or imagined. Then again, the way this year is going it will probably be the Seahawks and Jaguars.

What we need is something new. Something or someone exciting. A new Joe Namath, a new Michael Jordan, a new Larry Bird, a new Bobby Orr, a new Willie Mays, a new Dale Earnhardt, a new Jack Nicklaus. A return to the Monsters of Midway, Notre Dame football, the Canadiens racing down the ice 3 on 2, a great baseball team not assembled, bought, and paid for by the highest bidder. A John Wooden, Jim Valvano, Tom Landry, Billy Martin, or Bo Schembechler.

This is the winter of our sporting discontent.