The recent unfortunate remarks by Kelly Tilghman, suggesting the rest of the
PGA take Tiger Woods out and "#### him in a back alley", point out
the need for clear guidelines as to what unscripted remarks you may make.
Remember, all unscripted remarks must now be submitted at least 24 hours in
advance.
We thought you would be pleased to know Kelly is almost done with her
suspension, and looking forward to returning. During her time off she has been
helping us perfect a new device which will deliver a low voltage shock when any
of a list of seventy-three potentially racially charged words begins to be
formed by an announcer. When Kelly returns we ask that you not make loud noises
near her or comment on her new hairstyle. (Thanks in advance!)
A few helpful pointers:
You may suggest the rest of the PGA players attack John Daly with a steak
knife. Since his wife already has, it would not be inappropriate. Suggesting
the rest of the field take him to an all you can eat buffet, leaving him there
until he explodes or the restaurant declares bankruptcy, would be considered in
poor taste.
In dealing with Tiger Woods greater sensitivity is required. You may suggest
that he be taken by his competitors to a fondue restaurant where he might burn his
tongue on hot cheese. Since no non-Caucasian has ever seen the inside of a
fondue restaurant, no offense can be taken. However, Woods describes himself as
"Cablinasian", so we are trying to clear this remark with a
representative of that community. So far we have been unsuccessful in locating
one.
Suggesting the field should have Fuzzy Zoeller attacked by waves of dwarfs with
small, pointy sticks is not appropriate. We suggest you merely advocate Zoeller
be attacked with pointy sticks, leaving all references to height and size out
of your comments. It is then to the judgement of individual golfers to
determine what sort of pointy stick to use.
Avoid suggesting Phil Mickelson be clubbed to death with a nine iron. Your
credibility will be undermined, as even novice golfers understand the niblet
should be used when beating Micklesons.
We would prefer you not suggest golfers allow Rorby Sabbatini die a slow and
painful death by means of leaving his foot in his mouth. In this case, unlike
that of Woods, it is entirely proper to suggest he be taken into a back alley
and lynched.
Do not use the term "cute as a button" in describing Annika
Sorenstam, even though she is. This term originally was used to describe the
button quail, a soft and fluffy gray bird. Since cuteness is not a natural
defense, it was quickly hunted to extinction. We do not want viewers to believe
the rest of the LPGA field wants Sorenstam eliminated in this manner, despite
widely reported rumors to that effect.
Excercise caution when reading biographical information prepared by Golf
Channel interns. These young people sometimes become jealous of the on-air
personnel and insert phony items into your folders. For clarification. Vijay
Singh was never the lord high emperor of Fiji.
In the early 1960's Arnold Palmer did not head the seven organized crime
families east of the Mississippi.
Finally, Charles Howell III is NOT the illegitimate son of Thurston Howell the
III and a movie actress named Ginger Grant.
Being a member of the on-air team at The Golf Channel carries with it great
responsibilities. You tell the stories of men and women most of the public
hasn't heard of and could care less about. You bring the glory of the game of
golf in to the homes of the 3,452 white guys with incomes over $500,000
annually who still believe a Buick is the coolest car on the road.
Carolyn T and I were inspired by the recent four part interview between the two NGS winners, Ty Hildenbrandt and Brandon Vogel, to come up with our own NGS II losers perspective on the contest and blogging. We weren't inspired enough to write four parts (part 1 was on Carolyn's blog http://community.foxsports.com/blogs/CarolynT
yesterday and part C will be on her blog tomorrow (Saturday), but then again maybe that's why we didn't win.
(Dudski-affecting mock British accent to sound like David Frost) Carolyn, your blog hasn’t been without
controversy. Let me go through the list
(fumbles as sheets unspool into the floor).
The tattoo?
(CarolynT) Once I got past all the invitations
to porn sites, I admit, I enjoyed the attention. And then deleted the post
forthwith. I did, however, increase my novel pre-sales to 3 million just from
the Pirates and Harley-guys tattoo fans.
(Dudski) You’ve admitted to blogging on steroids. For the kids who read your blog, what would
you like to say?
(CarolynT) It gave me at least four more paragraphs a
blog and so, so much more, Dudski. It's a wonder I can fit into my Mets
shirts anymore, what with all the "extra conditioning" I'm doing
typing and the "special diet" I'm eating at work. How do you
think I can just chug out a 50,000 word novel in one month?? To the kids I
say...bloggers can’t be role models. Do as I say, not as I blog. Blog unto
others as you would have them blog unto you.
(Dudski) But surely, you’ve seen the dark side of
steroid abuse. Exhibit 1-violent mood
swings. Truth or fiction, the pictures
of the woman wearing a Cardinal’s cap at the Mets playoff game. That’s your hand about to throw the popcorn
at her isn’t it?
(CarolynT) Clearly the hand
throwing the popcorn is a right hand, Dudski...I'm a lefty. Not guilty.
Oops...I forgot I'm ambidextrous! But still, I was holding the video
camera...and, and...she deserved it! The nerve! The *&(@)*) Cardinals and
their *(*@)@ fans can take a @&&)) off the )(@ bridge for all I
care!! ahem. @#!%^ mood swings. I should deck you right here and now…
(Dudski) The ugly incident with Rick Smits…
(CarolynT) Rick Smits. Sigh.
(True story) He went to Div. I-Marist College when I was at nearby Dutchess Comm. College playing some tiny junior
college volleyball. We were both asked to give an "inspirational
athlete-perspective" speech at a fund raiser for a nearby parochial school
that had burned down. His speech: 3 minutes (we were asked to do 15 minutes).
Mine: and I know this would surprise you, was much, much longer.
I spoke after him (he
didn't acknowledge me at dinner, not that I'm holding a grudge...) and I got
muuuuch more applause. In fact, after I sat down (sweaty, heart pumping, ears
ringing from nerves), the school president told me they were still clapping.
Rick, apparently, missed my speech. Div. I ball players are busy, busy people.
When I transferred to SUNY
Albany (now home of the NY Giants training camp), I got cut from varsity
volleyball but met my husband while on the club team. So...everything works
out, right? ....RIGHT!? (wahahaha)
(CarolynT) OK, OK, enough about MY problems. I want to say this delicately to spare you
from reliving the embarrassment again.
(Dudski-Shifts
uncomfortably in chair)
(CarolynT) The first NGS2
assignment. When you choked. No, that’s not it. Bit the big one, followed Custer down the
Valley, threw up the air blog. Left your
manhood in the locker room…
(Dudski) If I could just answer…
(CarolynT) No wait, I want to spare your feelings some
more. Blew the approach, fanned with 2
out in the ninth, let down the home team. (Deep breath). OK, how did it feel to be the cat who coughed
up that fur ball of a first assignment?
(Dudski) First, thanks for sparing my feelings. For the assignment I wrote about a star high school player who lead our team to
a state championship when I was in school. It was a pretty straight recounting
of the actual events, but I realize now it needed a little something extra. A
courageous dog running fifty miles across the frozen North Carolina country
side to bring steroids to our players, a boy in the hospital with a case of
incurable acne listening to the games on the radio, an alien who would only
make it home if our school covered the spread in the final game so he’d win
enough to buy plutonium to make it back to his planet. A hooker with a heart of gold and a free
afternoon to spend with a determined bunch of high school boys. But nooooo….I
used real people and actual events. I was such a fool.
(CarolynT) Along those lines, did you
experience a noticeable increase in perspiration? Desperation? Intimidation?
(Dudski) It was intimidating. People kept disappearing. The first week
there were two bloggers who just vanished. Then after the next assignment there
were more. Pretty soon there were just 8 of us. Every time I looked around more
of my friends had vanished. It was like being the coach of the UNC football
team.
(CarolynT) It was a contest. Two bloggers were eliminated each time. Weren’t you paying attention?
(Dudski) Well, not really. Say, do you know how to spell Novits, Nowitz…..you know the German guy who plays
for the Mavericks? Speaking of stuff I
can’t spell, you mentioned schadenfreude in one of your blogs. Do you think that will automatically knock
you out of NGS III? And did you
experience it while reading my blogs during NGS 2?
(CarolynT) I experienced
something when I read your blogs but I think it was indigestion. I don’t think
it knocks me out of NGSIII (Three dammit! 3! Why must we type III??? It’s a
*&# three!). No one remembers the losers or their schadenfreude references.
Hopefully. But thanks for bringing it up!
