Everybody asks that of their friends and most people have a ready answer. The Patriots have alot of newly minted fans (the same sort of people who suddenly discovered they were Duke fans when Coach K came to town). Giants fans have been there all along, but mostly quiet since Bill Parcells left town.
The rest of us?
Cowboys fans (and I've been one for years) have been too busy trying to find enough tabasco sauce to cover the taste of crow to worry about picking a Super Bowl favorite. There doesn't seem to be the kind of bad feeling against the Giants we reserve for the Redskins and Eagles. As for the Patriots, I doubt most of us felt a rivalry with the Belicheckians since nobody in the league is really in New England's league.
Do you have to pull for a team to enjoy watching the game?
A resounding yes. We all say we like football, but without a team to pull for the air goes out of the balloon. The game goes from grand passion to lab experiment. If you're like me you always find a team to pull for, even if it's Detroit versus Arizona. If we're going to throw away three perfectly good hours of our lives, it needs to be for an event we are emotionally invested in.
New England or New York? Do I have to choose?
Which coach do I like better? Mussolini or Stalin, I mean Coughlin or Belichick? That is a true draw. One is an arrogant so and so, the other just down right mean. Call it even.
Quarterback. This should be easy. Eli Manning, all-American boy versus Tom Brady, the guy we all hated in high school for dating all the girls who were out of our league. But Manning had to go and grow that junior league porn star mustache. What is he hiding? I look at Eli Manning's future and see poor Payton giving him a priceless pep talk in a Mexican jail. A draw.
The Randy Moss factor. This tips in favor of the team that doesn't have Randy Moss on their roster. I'm sure it's been said before, but why don't the Giants just issue a sideline pass to the woman who has the restraining order against him and have her stand in the end zone? Of course, all that would do is ensure that Welker gets four TD catches. Edge-Giants.
Brandon Jacobs. I am so sick of seeing him throwing footballs in the end zone after he scores. What I want to see is the Patriots stop Jacobs at the one and throw him head first into the Giants logo on the end zone wall. Advantage New England.
Jeff Feagles. When he was young and Ben Franklin was shagging punts for him after school, Feagles never thought he'd be in the Super Bowl. Most likely he didn't think he'd live to be 250 years old and play every year since the inception of the NFL. OK, I may have one or two of the details wrong, but Feagles is old. Really, really old. I can relate to that. Score one for the Giants.
Cheating. The Patriots are the KGB of football, and Belichick their Vladimir Putin. Look at the Patriots roster. People keep disappearing. People who crossed Belichick. I have to admire and respect that. Seriously, I have to admire and respect that. Now maybe that van with Massachusetts plates that's been parked across the street the last three days will go away. Points go to the Patriots.
Helmets. The New York Giants logo is old school but very cool. The Patriots logo looks like the emblem of some sort of cult. (Ever wonder why Belichick wears that hood)? Advantage NYG.
Cities. They filmed parts of "Sex and the City" in New York. Tom Brady is doing the sequel in Boston. Score-Patriots.
Perfection. The Dolphins are the only team to run the table in the NFL. Undefeated and Super Bowl champions. And they did it with Earl Morral, whose crew cut was way cooler than the Tom Brady sheep dog look. If the Pats lose, the Dolphins win. Put a check by the Giants.
Heart Warming Human Interest Story. Rodney Harrison of the Patriots, who overcame a four game suspension for using performance enhancing drugs to make it to the big game. Think of it as a pharmacological version of "Rudy". Edge-New England.
Let's tally this up. Four for the Giants, four for New England, two draws. Right back where we started from.
The fortnight between the conference championships and the Super Bowl is Seinfeld's holiday of Festivus with less interesting characters. A holiday that isn't on the calendar marked by unusual feats and recriminations. Week One consists of the airing of grievances against referees from yesterday's championship games followed by a week of the same ten stories rewritten again and again by thousands of reporters who couldn't find an angle if it was open in the end zone waving it's arms.
Expect to read these stories (repeatedly):
Will the quarterback be able to overcome his detractors and win the big one? In serious voices normally reserved for state funerals analysts will intone, "this could be the game which will define his career." (Tell that to Ben Roesthlisberger).
Win and a place among the immortals is assured. Lose and you're a fur ball coughed out of the cat of history. Just remember, the writers who say Manning is about to take his place among the immortals include some who before the season expected to be doing these interviews with Duante Culpepper and spent two months calling for Rex Grossman to be benched. Interesting side note-did you know that ESPN stands for 'every single prediction nullified?
The Civil Rights War Is Over and The Good Guys Won. Forget about educational and income gaps. Ignore subtle racism. Don't fret over the occasional "cops gone wild" videos. Two African-Americans are coaching in the Super Bowl. We have arrived as a society. All is well. Naturally the two coaches are best of friends because, as all white announcers know, every African-American is a close personal friend of every other African-American and thrilled by each other's success.
From a place on the taxi squad to a place in the Super Bowl. Wally was cut by six different teams over two years. He lived in a crawl space under the guest house of one of the older offensive linemen because he spent all of his veteran minimum salary on Everclear and rental for storage lockers. Waived so many times the Postal Service has no idea where to deliver his mail, he finds himself (after 8 injuries to key linemen) about to be the 3rd string left guard in third down situations. Life is good.
Tragedy overcome. Vernon is determined to keep the memory of his brother Nelson alive. After the horrifying street sweeper accident he had the vehicle's number (3I8U7) shaved onto his head. Unfortunately, his head isn't that wide and the sideline TV shot was an overhead that revealed only the middle portion of the number. We'll come along as the young linebacker reassures terrified fans and family members that he does not have issues with anger managment.
Redemption. A year ago Oscar burned down his mansion in a freak freebasing accident, had to be tazed repeatedly outside a strip club that biker gangs steer clear of for safety reasons, tortured a cat, was sued for giving several women STD's, and was shown on film shoving a boy scout during the national anthem. His coach says, "We knew the kind of kid Oscar is and are so happy with how he's pulled his life together." Police and family members are still looking for his wife and family pets who haven't been seen since a tough mid-season loss to the Browns.
This city has really come back. "If you had only been here a few years ago you wouldn't recognize Miami today. Street people roamed parks and slept on benches, you took your life into your hands if you made a wrong turn down a side street, and Dolphin Stadium was a run down dump that looked like a giant urinal with smaller seats. Today, the benches in the parks are much nicer. It's a real renaissance."
The team that wins will control the ball, eliminate turnovers, establish the ground game, and score more points. In fact, if you look at the last 40 Super Bowls, the team that scores more points usually wins the game. A few other stats to remember. Rosie O'Donnell is statistically more likely to have Donald Trump's love child than there being two touchdowns scored in the first quarter. And the AFC has remarkably won the Super Bowl each year that a left handed descendant of Lithuanian goat herders has been elected to the Cleveland City Council. In fact, we don't know why the Bears are even planning on showing up.
This reporter has never seen so many reporters writing about nothing. "There are 1,457 credentialed reporters here from 57 countries and Canada. Here is footage we shot today of other reporters shooting footage of those doing background interviews with them about the challenge of finding anything new and fresh to write about. Tomorrow-an in-depth look at the Holiday Inn I'm staying at."
Just three years ago reporters experienced something they never imagined they'd live to see. Janet Jackson's famous 'wardrobe malfunction' allowed the 57% of reporters who have never seen any part of the female anatomy exposed to witness something they had only dreamed of. This accounts for the reason reporters since then have written countless articles on the chances of a repeat performance. It should be pointed out that in 1970 Jim Morrison of the Doors exposed himself on a Miami stage and Prince is performing at the halftime show this year. Not implying anything. Just saying.
Forget the game, let's talk commercials. The cost of a Super Bowl ad has now surpassed the Gross National Product in 112 less developed countries (LDC). However, the State Department has announced it will address this problem by sending DVD's of this year's ads to many of the world's poorest people's. It is hoped that DVD players may become available in these countries within the next 15 years.
Pull up a chair, grab some chips, get something cold from the freezer. It's going to be a long two weeks.
This year's playoff teams are alot like the big Kentucky Derby fields at Churchill Downs. There are a few picks that will get alot of attention, some solid entrees worth looking at, a couple of longshots, and alot of horses with no business in the race. After careful review of the NFL team stats, here's how I handicap the field of 14 (allowing for all teams still in contention for a playoff spot):
CLASS OF THE FIELD
Denver Broncos Conventional wisdom says the Colts, but in an environment that magnifies mistakes the Broncos don't make them. Key stat lines- +18 giveaway/takeaway margin, only 28 sacks and interceptions combined (tied with Indianapolis), and 17 pass plays of 40 or more yards.
Seatlle Seahawks Other than a lack of playoff experience it's hard to find a flaw in the Seahawks. Key stat line-28 rushing touchdowns. Cause for concern-only 17 field goals and a 70.8% average.
Indianapolis Colts Not a horse to bet on, despite being the early favorite. Hasn't been stretched out by competition. Key stat line-surprisingly only 13 plays from scrimmage longer than 20 yards. Gives up 300 yards per game on defense and a 66.8% pass completion percentage.
SOLID STARTERS
Pittsburgh Steelers Why not? Solid defense and field goal kicking can go far in the playoffs. I worry that they are too predictable on offense. Key stat lines-Runs the ball 58.8% of the time. Eighty-four yards per game rushing defense.
Cincinnati Bengals A ball hawking defense and potentially explosive offense. Gives up more yards and pass completions than I'd like to see, but the offensive line gives Palmer all kinds of time. Key stat line-31 interceptions. Reason to worry-61.4% pass completion percentage given up on defense. Can they get a Payton Manning off the field?
Carolina Panthers A one good receiver team in a league that demands two. I hesitate to place them this high, but their defense is this good and Jake Delhomme makes alot from a little. Key stat lines-Only 677 yards in penalties on offense, 23 passing TD's, and 12 receptions for 40 yards or more. Why worry? Only 3.2 yards a rush.
Overrated
New England Patriots Johnny Damon left town and so has the Pats mystique. Lots of weaknesses showing up all at once. Key stat- Minus 5 giveaway/takeaway. No team wins the Super Bowl with a negative in this category. More bad news-231.5 yards per game passing by their opponents. The Pats pass 57% of the time, which is a bad stat in the playoffs where most teams got there by putting strong pressure on the QB.
New York Giants Eli Manning will be a fine playoff quarterback, but not yet. Key stat-327.7 yards per game given up by the defense. The Giants won't get Manning on the field and with 17 interceptions a 4 interception day against a tough defense isn't out of the question.
Save Some Money For
Jacksonville Jaquars My insane long shot. Rock solid defense gets opponents off the field. Key stat line-65.6 average kickoff distance. It's an arcane stat, but when the playoffs come around field position is king. At no extra charge-Did you know the Jags only give up 31.9% of 3rd down conversions?
Dallas Cowboys Win one for the Tuna has a nice ring to it. A team with line play this bad shouldn't last past the first round (if they make the playoffs). But remember this key stat-The Cowboys ran 126 more plays from scrimmage than their opponents. A team with an uncanny knack for snatching victory from the jaws of defeat.
Sucker Bets
Kansas City Chiefs An offense that is hitting on all cylinders and a defense that couldn't drive a moped. The only stat you need to know-339.2 yards per game yielded on defense.
Washington Redskins With much respect due to Joe Gibbs, this isn't the Redskins year. Key stat lines- Gave up over 20 yards on 18 plays from scrimmage. Minus 4 giveaway/takeaway. Brunell will not give games away, but he also isn't who you want to see on the field down by more than a touchdown in the 3rd quarter.
Tampa Bay Bucaneers What do they do well? Not much. What do they do badly? Not much. Key stat line-Only 275.9 yards per game by opponents.
Chicago Bears An old fashioned Bears defense, and unfortunately an offense that recalls the glory days of Jack Concannon. Key stats-Opponents have run 38 more plays from scrimmage, 127 yards passing, 28 giveaways.
Summary-Look for the Broncos to take the Seahawks in the Super Bowl. Forget about the Colts, look out for the Jags, and keep an eye on the Steelers and Bengals. The rest are pretenders.
