Some things bother me, some things don't.  Jeniffer Anniston's innermost feelings about Brad Pitt, whether Hilary is going to run, what book Oprah wants us to read.  All things I can let slide by.  On the other hand, the names of NFL teams bother me a great deal.

First off, I suspect that Payton Manning's mobility as a quarterback is limited by wearing a Colts uniform.  You know he's seen the films of Unitas.  I'm starting to see the early signs of that wobbly drop back thing going on already.  I'd wager that somewhere in his locker is even a pair of black high top shoes.  His inner Michael Vick is being supressed by that darned uniform. 

The Colts should be in Baltimore.  But wait, you say, what about the Ravens?  Well, quote the raven, "nevermore".  Edgar Allen Poe died after being found unconcious on a wooden plank outside a bar on Lombard Street in Baltimore.  So, you name a football team after his writings?  That would be like walling up Art Modell inside a wine cellar in honor of "The Cask of Amontillado". 

Some Browns fans might like to see Modell bricked in.  But this raises another question.  Why in the name of Leroy Kelly aren't the Ravens the Baltimore Browns?  The Baltimore Orioles were once the St. Louis Browns, so maybe the rule is that any team Baltimore steals must be called Browns and that name must be left in the original city.  Thankfully, there are no New Orleans Browns in the NBA or they would be headed for the Chesapeake Bay faster than you can say Ray Naggin.

Then we have the strange case of the Rams.  The Rams came to St. Louis to replace the Cardinals who left for Arizona, birds being migratory by nature.  They kept the Rams name because presumably St. Louis is even now plagued by roaming herds of big horn sheep.  Or perhaps they were just small sheep who once had lockers besides Mark McGwire and mysteriously bulked up.

There is no team in Los Angeles for reasons I'm not entirely clear about.  Perhaps the NFL can't figure out what to call a team there since the Rams name has left town.  I would like to suggest that an expansion franchise be called the Oilers, since someone forgot to pack that name when the team left to go to Tennessee and became the Titans.  Why they are called Titans is a mystery, considering that Titan is only the 15th largest moon of Saturn.  Maybe they didn't want to risk the possibility of the inevitable jokes that would have come with the name Tennessee Uranus. 

Maybe LA should have a football franchise called the Lakers, the Los Angeles football Lakers, like the New York football Giants, who no longer have to be called the football  Giants because the baseball Giants are now in San Francisco.  Besides, the basketball Lakers shouldn't mind since the lakes referred to in their name are in Minnesota.  Take notes, there will be a quiz.

For extra credit, please suggest new names for the Baltimore Ravens, Indianapolis Colts, Arizona Cardinals, St. Louis Rams, and Paris Hilton.