Coach Gil Thorpe of Milford has interviewed for the position of
Steelers Head Coach, along with Ron Rivera of the Chicago Bears and
Pittsburgh assistant Russ Grimm.
The move was not unexpected, as the league's "Rooney Tunes" rule has required that at least one cartoon character be interviewed for each NFL head coaching position.
Steelers Director of Football Operations Kevin Colbert confirmed Thorpe's interview. "Let there be no mistake, the Steelers are committed to extending full opportunity to the dimensionally challenged. For too long cartoon characters, with the exception of Bill Parcells and Tom Couglin, have been passed over for jobs based on issues of black and white. We believe these highly talented individuals could come into full color on Sundays."
Several questions have emerged with regard to Thorpe. First, his age. Thorpe is considered by some to be both too young and old for the Steelers job, since he is only 35 and has been 35 for 35 years.
Is the interview of Thorpe a move by the Steelers to get around the league's rules by putting up a less qualified candidate and instead of the brilliant, yet controversial Yosemite Sam?
"Who are we kidding here", said one league insider, "After the Tank Johnson incident the NFL is not going to let a rootin', tootin' six shooter roam the sidelines for a team as prominent as the Steelers. That six gun stuff might work in the CFL, but not here. The hats, the wild clothing, it's Jerry Glanville all over again."
But can Thorpe relate to the modern athlete? The crew cut, the Marine Corp background, the reliance on the single wing at Milford. Are the Steelers serious about going back to the future to find only their fourth coach in the last 30 years?
One league offical thinks not. "There are two guys who have an equal chance at the Steelers job and that's no chance at all. Thorpe and Rivera. It's been Grimm since Day 1. Thorpe is there just because he's in the papers all the time. Rivera is there because they have to make it look like they have a committment to a process they have insisted on everywhere else. It's sad, really sad."
Meanwhile, Thorpe has been careful not to burn bridges with Milford. "Mimi and I are happy right here, it would take a tremendous opportunity to get me away" However, locals report Thorpe's wife had been seen weeping openly in an internet cafe while trying without luck to book a flight on Expedia.com from Milford to Pittsburgh. "It's like we're some other freakin' dimension", she said before driving off to escape from local radio reporter Marty Moon.
So where does all this leave Thorpe and Rivera? The situation looks Grimm.
Pittsburgh Steeler coach Bill Cowher announced plans today to jump the Monongahela River on a rocket powered motorcycle. The leap will take place from a ramp just below the 10th street bridge and will measure about 270 yards. The leap will be augmented by two surplus JATO (jet take off assist) rockets, similar to those used in the Vietnam War to propel cargo planes airborne on short runways.
In a press conference Cowher said, "A)This is something that will bond me to my motorcycle riding players, B)it's something I have always wanted to do, and #3)I've been looking for a thrill ever since the Super Bowl. You might say I'm addicted to excitement. Not knowing whether I'll ignite like a Roman candle, land short and sink like a rock in the treacherous currents, or hit the other side and careen into the crowd sure is a thrill. And, I might even land on the other side and walk away intact, although the experts assure me there is only a 1-50 chance of that happening."
When asked when he decided to make the jump, Cowher said it wasn't after Ben Roethlisberger's crash as the press has speculated. "It was when Barrett Brooks (a 340 pound lineman with the Steelers) tried to flee police on his motorcyle and wrecked, then was tackled by a 6'4" 260 pound policeman. I knew then that Pittsburgh really rocks and I wanted to party with these dudes."
Despite appearing to have a large bump on his forehead and occasionally speaking with a French accent, Cowher denied that he was suffering any after effects from a sideline collision that sent him head first into a large equipment locker. "Zees is, ow you say, not a factor een my decision."
Cowher reminded reporters that Pennsylvania law does not require riders to wear helmets. "How can I lead guys like Ben and Barrett if I wimp out and wear a protective head covering? In fact, we're considering not wearing helmets during our scrimmages. Helmets are for wimps."
Reached for comment, ex-Steeler quarterback Terry Bradshaw criticized Cowher for taking such a risk. "Chuck Noll was never shot out of anything and he had our complete respect. This Steeler obsession with motorcylces is completely out of hand."
Local reporters trace the current Steeler motorcycle madness to a fall concert by the Rolling Stones at the Steeler's stadium during which the team rode in on bikes and parked next to the stands to provide security. Beating the fans with pool cues and menacing the crowd in front of the stage, it marked a toughening up of the team image that many believe lead to the Super Bowl title, but also encouraged the reckless behavior seen since.
No word yet on rumors that Steeler Owner Dan Rooney will open the season by racing his Harley from mid field to a ramp that will propel him over the goal posts and into a large net in front of the end zone seats. More on these stories as they develop.
This year's playoff teams are alot like the big Kentucky Derby fields at Churchill Downs. There are a few picks that will get alot of attention, some solid entrees worth looking at, a couple of longshots, and alot of horses with no business in the race. After careful review of the NFL team stats, here's how I handicap the field of 14 (allowing for all teams still in contention for a playoff spot):
CLASS OF THE FIELD
Denver Broncos Conventional wisdom says the Colts, but in an environment that magnifies mistakes the Broncos don't make them. Key stat lines- +18 giveaway/takeaway margin, only 28 sacks and interceptions combined (tied with Indianapolis), and 17 pass plays of 40 or more yards.
Seatlle Seahawks Other than a lack of playoff experience it's hard to find a flaw in the Seahawks. Key stat line-28 rushing touchdowns. Cause for concern-only 17 field goals and a 70.8% average.
Indianapolis Colts Not a horse to bet on, despite being the early favorite. Hasn't been stretched out by competition. Key stat line-surprisingly only 13 plays from scrimmage longer than 20 yards. Gives up 300 yards per game on defense and a 66.8% pass completion percentage.
SOLID STARTERS
Pittsburgh Steelers Why not? Solid defense and field goal kicking can go far in the playoffs. I worry that they are too predictable on offense. Key stat lines-Runs the ball 58.8% of the time. Eighty-four yards per game rushing defense.
Cincinnati Bengals A ball hawking defense and potentially explosive offense. Gives up more yards and pass completions than I'd like to see, but the offensive line gives Palmer all kinds of time. Key stat line-31 interceptions. Reason to worry-61.4% pass completion percentage given up on defense. Can they get a Payton Manning off the field?
Carolina Panthers A one good receiver team in a league that demands two. I hesitate to place them this high, but their defense is this good and Jake Delhomme makes alot from a little. Key stat lines-Only 677 yards in penalties on offense, 23 passing TD's, and 12 receptions for 40 yards or more. Why worry? Only 3.2 yards a rush.
Overrated
New England Patriots Johnny Damon left town and so has the Pats mystique. Lots of weaknesses showing up all at once. Key stat- Minus 5 giveaway/takeaway. No team wins the Super Bowl with a negative in this category. More bad news-231.5 yards per game passing by their opponents. The Pats pass 57% of the time, which is a bad stat in the playoffs where most teams got there by putting strong pressure on the QB.
New York Giants Eli Manning will be a fine playoff quarterback, but not yet. Key stat-327.7 yards per game given up by the defense. The Giants won't get Manning on the field and with 17 interceptions a 4 interception day against a tough defense isn't out of the question.
Save Some Money For
Jacksonville Jaquars My insane long shot. Rock solid defense gets opponents off the field. Key stat line-65.6 average kickoff distance. It's an arcane stat, but when the playoffs come around field position is king. At no extra charge-Did you know the Jags only give up 31.9% of 3rd down conversions?
Dallas Cowboys Win one for the Tuna has a nice ring to it. A team with line play this bad shouldn't last past the first round (if they make the playoffs). But remember this key stat-The Cowboys ran 126 more plays from scrimmage than their opponents. A team with an uncanny knack for snatching victory from the jaws of defeat.
Sucker Bets
Kansas City Chiefs An offense that is hitting on all cylinders and a defense that couldn't drive a moped. The only stat you need to know-339.2 yards per game yielded on defense.
Washington Redskins With much respect due to Joe Gibbs, this isn't the Redskins year. Key stat lines- Gave up over 20 yards on 18 plays from scrimmage. Minus 4 giveaway/takeaway. Brunell will not give games away, but he also isn't who you want to see on the field down by more than a touchdown in the 3rd quarter.
Tampa Bay Bucaneers What do they do well? Not much. What do they do badly? Not much. Key stat line-Only 275.9 yards per game by opponents.
Chicago Bears An old fashioned Bears defense, and unfortunately an offense that recalls the glory days of Jack Concannon. Key stats-Opponents have run 38 more plays from scrimmage, 127 yards passing, 28 giveaways.
Summary-Look for the Broncos to take the Seahawks in the Super Bowl. Forget about the Colts, look out for the Jags, and keep an eye on the Steelers and Bengals. The rest are pretenders.
