Mrs. Alex Rodriquez: Keep your weight evenly distributed during the swing and make sure the trademark faces up. And you might want to consider one of those maple bats.
Brett Favre: Two words for you. Arena football. When was the last time you saw an arena football quarterback get hit? You could be making comebacks into your mid-40's.
Barry Bonds: There is a point in most episodes of Law & Order when the defense attorney leans over and, with a look of great seriousness, nods his head at the offer the DA just made. You can't see me, but I'm giving you that look. The feds don't care about Barry Bonds, they want to take down a network of steroid distributors. Give them what they want before you end up in some federal prison getting an asterisk carved into your back.
Ed Wade: Don't bother people while they're eating.
Manny Ramirez: Two words. Stub Hub.
Tiger Woods: You've got some free time. Shake up your image. I'm thinking some NBA style tattoos, body piercings, pimp up the old Buick. Get seen in public wearing that green jacket inside out with a sideways ball cap. Then go on the Golf Channel and tell them your one regret is that you'll always wonder how good you could have been if you'd actually enjoyed the game. You might want to wait until next April 1, but feel free to do it earlier if you get bored.
O.J. Mayo: Decide early on who you are and what your game is going to be about. You can be who Stephon Marbury is, or who he could have been.
ESPN: Get over yourself. The ESPY awards? Nobody cares. You're in danger of being what MTV is to music. A network about culture that forgot what its core business is.
LeBron James: Just go to New York already. The NBA will work something out. But if you do the dance of a thousand veils for the next two seasons you'll turn off the fans in Cleveland and alot of other places. Stay. Go. Just make a decision now.
Tony Stewart: Hire a weather guy. No excuse for coming in at New Hampshire when everyone could see rain was going to hit the track. All that stood between you and your first victory was not having some kid with a laptop and the URL of NOAA looking at the nearest radar. For the want of a nail...
The City of Seattle: Take the NBA's $75 million and let the Sonics go. Then look into creating an ABA for the new millennium. Eight team league to start, four overseas, salaries about half of what the NBA offers but a league bounty to go after a few big name stars. Emphasis on old school, fundamental basketball. The anti-NBA. Just crazy enough that it might work.
And finally.....To the New York Mets. Get rid of those awful black and blue caps. They symbolize everything wrong with the current direction of the team. The Mets are supposed to look like the likable alternative to the Yankees, not Brittany Spears roadies.
Changing channels I heard someone talk about how long it had been since a player had tasted victory. What does victory taste like? Chicken? Really good Gatorade?
If you're a Cubs fan it would be really smooth. It should, seeing how it's aged for one hundred years. Yankee championships taste like cigars wrapped in thousand dollar bills.
I like hearing the NASCAR announcers talk about a driver being able to smell victory. There's Dale Jr. coming into the last lap, talking to his crew chief. "Don't worry Dale, that's not the transmission, just the smell of victory. You probably don't remember it. Just give us one more lap."
The smell of defeat hangs on like Scott Boras trying to leach out the last five million in a seven year deal. Kobe Bryant probably is tired of hearing his kids ask him why the house smells like the New York Knicks.
Animals can smell fear. I'm betting the horses at the Belmont could smell Big Brown coming. They were probably rolling their eyes at each other when he came onto the track. "This ought to be good, he smells like the Mets in September".
Gene Mauch, the Phillies manager during their epic 1964 collapse, said he knew the season was lost when he looked into the eyes of his closer and saw fear. I imagine Joe Girardi looking into Sidney Ponson's eyes and seeing the Golden Arches.
Some sports images are gruesome. College coaches are fond of saying "My guys played their hearts out tonight." Imagine the phone conversations. "Mrs. Smithers, I'm sorry but we were down two touchdowns to State late in the 4th quarter and your son played his heart out. What's that? Yes, mam, I know it was a non-conference game, but your boy was a real competitor."
Most college coaches are deluded. They see things none of us see. Bobby Ray Jim Bob may have residue in the ash tray, an automatic weapon under the front seat, and a hooker in the back but somehow you know his coach will say "I looked in his eyes and saw a young man who needs athletics to put his life back together." Just once I'd like to here the coach say, "I looked in his eyes and saw "Law & Order" reruns. I wished him well and sent him home."
Then you have the phychic broadcaster. "I can feel the momentum changing, Bob." I'm skeptical, because it seems like they always say this right after some team has run off eight straight points. There may be one or two who can actually feel momentum shifting. I feel sorry for them. Their social lives have to be a nightmare. "I was out with Linda last night and suddenly I felt the momentum shift, so I dropped her off at the curb and went home."
Some poor guys can feel the electricity in the air. It's a little known fact that #### Vitale once threw himself on top of Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski during warmups of a Duke-Carolina game when he felt too much electricity in the air at the Dean Dome. Unfortunately, it was just accumulated static from Mike Shulman's scalp.
Finally, who are these guys who play for "pride". "No, no, you keep the $7.5 million I'm owed this year, I'm playing for pride." Does this mean there others who play because of deep seated self-loathing? "Mike, in the 4th quarter we were down 18 and I just hated myself so bad I threw myself under Tank Johnson and prayed the end would come quickly."
Gotta go. I smell victory. Or bacon. I get confused sometimes.
Greatest players in each sport. Twenty seconds to think. Ready set go.
Odds are many of you named Ruth in baseball, Michael Jordan in basketball, Jim Brown in football, Gretzky in hockey, Pele in soccer, Tiger Woods in golf, Pete Sampras and Martina Navratilova in tennis, and Dale Earhardt in NASCAR. OK, throw in Secretariat in horse racing with Willie Shoemaker along for the ride.
Miss anyone? Most of it is conventional wisdom which changes over time. But is it right? And if these guys are number one, who is number two? And who on that list makes a good claim at possibly being the best?
Baseball. Barry Bonds wrote himself out of this spot. Who can say what he's guilty of? Who can say what he isn't? Ty Cobb? Madison Avenue hasn't invented the PR firm which could reform his image. Not much power, either. Don't talk to me about Alex Rodriquez. We don't have that much time. Ted Williams? Not a complete player. Hank Aaron? Wagner, or a man who might well be the best ever, Nap Lajoie?
So, who's in second? I'll take Christy Mathewson. Before Ruth came along, Mathewson made New York fall in love with baseball. Mathewson set all kinds of records, but more than that gave baseball respectability with the upper class (and the chattering class-the media). Quite possibly the best pitcher of all-time, a master of control who never stood taller than in the spotlight of the biggest games. Erudite, largely a cipher, and the coolest customer of them all
Football. People get sentimental about Unitas, and he was the first great TV quarterback. But not as good as Elway. Jerry Rice is Cal Ripken. Joe Montana the definition of a professional. Lawrence Taylor a force of nature. Maybe Manning or Brady? Before it's over that argument will be made for one or both.
I'll go with #### Butkus. Taylor had more talent, but Butkus was football. If you ever get a chance to watch one of his games on video, keep an eye and an ear open. Hard to describe, but a Butkus tackle sounded like a car wreck. Forward momentum ceased. Strong men flinched. Butkus and Brown had the hearts of lions.
All that aside, it always bugs me that Terry Bradshaw's name isn't higher on these lists. The man worked hard to harness enormous talents and won Super Bowls. The Steelers without Bradshaw would not have been any where near successful. Put aside the laughing image. This was a great, great quarterback.
Basketball. Russell for all the banners in the old Boston Garden, Chamberlin for how he changed the game. Jabbar for the sustained excellence. Bird and Johnson, linked forever in time as competitors and showmen. All were great.
I'd throw two other names in, along with a qualification. I don't believe Jordan was the best. Maybe not even in the top three. I've seen Julius Erving play and Doctor J. would eat Jordan's lunch. Heresy aside, the best all-around player the game has seen may be Oscar Robertson. He had it all. Scorer, tremendous assist man, solid rebounder, tenacious defender. If not the best, then certainly no slouch at #2.
Hockey. Gordie Howe and Bobby Hull were tremendous scorers. Rocket Richard maybe the most glamorous player ever. Too many goalies to name.
This is easy, though. It has to be Bobby Orr at #2, maybe even #1. The pure excitement of Orr rushing out of the Boston zone into open ice is perhaps unmatched in sports. Fifteen thousand people catching their breath at one time. Pure magic. Skills rivaling Gretzky's from a defenseman. Hard to explain to anyone brought up on today's game. There may be another Gretzky. There will never be another Bobby Orr.
Soccer. A subject I know little to nothing about. I don't put Beckham in Pele's league, however, and someone who knows more history might even suggest two or three better. Pele dominated his sport in the way Ruth did baseball for a time.
Golf. Palmer or Nicklaus. Toss a coin. I'd take Nicklaus on talent. If they somehow could be matched in their prime I'm not sure Nicklaus wouldn't have beaten him if the played just once. Over a stretch Woods is better, but he never had other great players to press him the way Nicklaus did.
Tennis. I suppose you're supposed to say Rod Laver, who may have been the best. I'd go with Bjorn Borg. And if I had to have someone go out and win one match, not sure that Jimmy Conners wouldn't find a way to win. The women's side of the coin is much clearer. If not Navaratilova then Evert.
NASCAR. I think we forget RIchard Petty all too easily. Behind the image o####ood natured man in retirement is a record of unparalleled excellence. Earnhardt had the advantage of being around when the rest of the country discovered stock car racing. Petty was there at the beginning of the climb and won on guts and smarts.
Horse Racing. Secretariat may not be the greatest horse of all time, but he had the greatest film clip, pulling away from the field by what seemed like miles. Man of War, though, could easily be the best. What I wouldn't give to have seen them race.
Jockeys? I'll put one name in. Pat Day. Here it may be sentiment on my part, having seen Day ride and admiring his work for years. He perfected what is simply known as "the Pat Day ride", always knowing exactly when to make his move. Was he the best? I don't know, but he's the best I ever saw.
Number two is not a bad place to be. We don't remember number two, but we can always argue number one. It part of what makes sports so much fun.
(Reporter) Big, tough race out there today, disappointed?
(Big Brown) Let's see, I win the race and I get a bunch of carnations around my neck and a picture with a short guy on my back. Afterwards I go back, have a nice meal, and sleep in a barn. Then I end up getting put out to stud. If I have this figured right, all I'm out is the photo.
(Reporter) So you weren't trying?
(Big Brown) You saw the race.
(Reporter) Did you give it your all?
(Big Brown) Which part of "you saw the race" is escaping you, Einstein? Tell, you what, stamp on the ground three times if you can hear me. Next question.
(Reporter) Did your trainer guaranteeing a Triple Crown put any pressure on you?
(Big Brown) Oh, no (rolls eyes). You're out there with eleven other great athletes and your trainer is in the press saying they're all on their way to becoming dog food. When we were loading up you could cut the tension with a knife.
(Reporter) Did that affect the outcome?
(Big Brown) I'm on the rail to start, always a tough spot. The bell goes off and I'm boxed in. It just so happens the horse in front of me slows and "accidentally" kicks me. I blame Dutrow.
(Reporter) You come back from that and are in third on the far turn. Desormeaux says he asked you for a move and, I am quoting here, realized "I had no horse."
(Big Brown) He said what?
(Reporter) "I had no horse".
(Big Brown) Why that little (bleep). I drag his dead (bleep) around these (bleep) tracks and he says "I had no horse". What did he think he was riding, a (bleep) big (bleep) red dog?
(Reporter) You were lightly excercised between the Preakness and the Belmont. Did that have any effect on you?
(Big Brown) It ain't about that at all. It's easy to sum it up if
you're just talking about practice. We're standing here, and I'm
supposed to be the the first Triple Crown winner in 30 years, and we're talking about practice.
I mean listen, we're here talking about practice, not a race,
not a race, not a race, but we're talking about practice. Not the race
that I go out there and die for and run every race as if it's my last
but we're talking about practice man. How silly is that?
Now I know that I'm supposed to lead by example and all that
but I'm not shoving that aside like it don't mean anything. I know it's
important, I honestly do but we're talking about practice. We're
talking about practice man. (laughter from the media crowd) We're
talking about practice. We're talking about practice. We're not talking
about the race. We're talking about practice. When you come to the track, and you see me run, you've seen me run right, you've seen me
give everything I've got, but we're talking about practice right now.
(more laughter).
(Reporter) Big Allen Iverson fan?
(Big Brown) Why do you ask?
(Reporter) What about the quarter crack in the front hoof that wasn't patched until yesterday?
(Big Brown) Talk to Dutrow about that. I just show up and run the race. I'm not here to make excuses.
(Reporter) What did you think when Desormeaux pulled you up?
(Big Brown) "I had no jockey".
(Reporter) Meaning?
(Big Brown) I can see I'm not the only one in this room with a brain the size of a walnut.
(Reporter) Several people track side said your manners weren't good on the way to the gate and the heat appeared to be affecting you?
(Big Brown) My manners now is it? Well, excuse me for not prancing all the way out in 88 degree heat with darn near 100% humdity. You people think this is so easy, give it try. My gear is in the barn and I'm sure we can get Kenny boy to hop on your back and beat with a whip for two minutes while you're running as fast as you can.
Jay Bruce, the Reds phenom made his big league debut. Went 3-3, scored two runs, drove in two, stole a base. I say he should quit now. True, no Hall of Fame, no huge contracts, but he could tell his grand kids, "Nobody ever got me out."
What's the opposite of perfection? Oh, that would be "umpire". Watched the Nationals and Brewers the other day (lay off, somebody had to) and Don Sutton made the comment the umpire's strike zone was low and it would benefit the two starting pitchers. Assuming he was right, and watching the game it sure looked that way, who gave individual umpires the right to adjust the rule book strike zone? Want to know why games last three hours? Because umpires call the game their way and assume the players should adjust.
It could be worse. You could have a whole league structure trying to hand one team the championship. Start with the mysterious trade of Pau Gasol from Memphis to the Lakers. The Grizzlies didn't even try to get another offer and ended up with Kwame Brown and some draft choices who won't be around when the team goes broke, which is a distinct possibility. David Stern must believe he's commission of the ABA. At least that league had decent officiating, which after the Lakers (who else) were gifted Game 4 against San Antonio on a last second no call is more than you can say for the NBA.
Speaking of the Grizzlies, notice how many NBA teams are on life support? Eight teams drew less than 15,000 a game this season. The league wants to kill of Seattle. The Bobcats are slipping beneath the waves. Indiana is about ruined for the pro game by the player's antics. New Orleans should go out of business, but the league will keep the Hornets afloat rather than suffer the bad press from abandoning the Big Easy post-Katrina.
Don't you wish there was a Charles Barkley out there who could walk up to the real Charles Barkley and ask him what he could possibly be thinking? It's time to get Sir Charles out from behind the mike and give him a distraction so he won't feel the need to gamble. In all seriousness, the answer is coaching. Too bad nobody has asked the question yet.
Heard a rumor there is still hockey being played. It's almost June. Has to be a hoax.
Here's a first. Tony Stewart compared to Alfonso Soriano. Why? They both had it and dropped it in the same week. I don't buy Bob Brenly's knock on Soriano. He's not that bad an outfielder and what happened to him against the Pirates has happened to the best outfielders in the game at one time or another. Besides, if not left field then where? As for the Stewart, the glass half full crowd will tell you it's a good sign he was in it with a chance to win at the end. And they're right.
A better blogger would have answers. All I have is questions.
For instance, why are sports segregated? If you go back to the 70's there were alot of African-Americans playing baseball. And white guys starting in the NBA. And, as hard as it is to imagine, white running backs.
Now African-Americans don't play baseball and whites can't be found in the NBA. And white running backs? You see them about as often as someone sights the Loch Ness monster.
But is that a bad thing? Something that requires a remedy? Just one of those things?
Start with soccer and work up the sports food chain. Soccer in this country is day care for white kids. Let them go out and run around for a couple of hours until the ritalin kicks in. The rest of the world, everybody plays "the beautiful game". Here it's different. Why is that?
A part of me wants to give African-Americans credit for not taking an interest in soccer. What the world calls "football" reminds me of the punishment drills we used to run in school where you had to sprint to the top of the circle then back, then to mid-court then back, and on until your will to live was gone. Just with a goal at one end.
It could also be a question of space and where people live. Land is not plentiful for recreation in the inner cities. A basketball court fits just about anywhere, a soccer field requires real estate. But if space is the issue why is tennis not a bigger thing? After the Williams sisters, diversity among the big names in tennis is almost non-existent.
NASCAR is great at marketing and has opened up to places and demographics once untouched by the sport. Why no black drivers? Maybe because you have to start young at lower levels of the sport and it is a sport that requires an investment in not just time but financial resources. Can NASCAR bypass that part of the process and come up with an African-American driver on a major team? And would that draw any interest? Don't know, but we may find out eventually.
The NHL? Forgetaboutit. Or maybe not. Canada is becoming more diverse and basketball doesn't provide much competition. Here in America it's a matter, black or white, of having access to the relatively few available youth hockey programs. But hockey, played well, is a sport that combines many of the elements of football. Speed, skill, hitting. If football can be popular outside of white America, maybe within 30 years hockey could catch on. But not if you have to pay $60 for a decent seat.
Ah baseball. So much potential, so much decline, so much effort to change. I'll make what may seem to be an outlandish argument. This is our most integrated sport (and no, it isn't football despite what you may think). If you factor the wide range of foreign born players in, and the lack of stereotypes as to position (see the NFL) it is a remarkably diverse sport.
Here the drop in participation among African-Americans is part voluntary. It was there at one time and has faded. Basketball and football are the destinations of choice for black athletes. The shame is the odds are stacked against ever making a dime in either one. A good athlete has a much better chance of making money, big money, in baseball.
Culture kicks in. The youth culture embraces basketball. It is no accident rap and basketball intersect so often. Baseball is viewed as a "white" game even if no barriers were to exist to keep other groups out. The game itself is slower, equipment expensive, space to play limited. But there is nothing there which can't be overcome and to baseball's credit it is trying.
I have to bring up Barry Bonds. In retrospect, Bonds should have been baseball's Michael Jordan. If Michael Jordan had been surly, arrogant, self-absorbed, and chemically enhanced. To some degree baseball missed the boat in not promoting Bonds the way basketball did Jordan. But Bonds wanted to be the Godfather. RIch, respected, attended to. He wasn't interested in promoting the game. And so an opportunity was lost.
Now basketball. And the stickiest questions. Let's take as an assumption baseball is not diverse enough. That it has programs to reach out to inner cities. Should do more, and is criticized for not doing more.
Then about about round ball? At its highest level, the NBA, it is a reverse image of hockey in terms of diversity. Sure, there a few European white players, even a smattering of bench warmers from the states. But African-Americans own basketball.
If diversity is supposed to matter in other sports, if leagues are supposed to be working on fixing the problem, what is the NBA doing about its situation? Well, nothing, if you're watching the NBA finals. But is that such a bad thing?
Nobody is barring whites from courts. Nobody is keeping them from practicing hard and learning the skills they would need to advance. Whites do, in fact, participate in large numbers at lower levels of the game. So why even ask the question?
Well, there is this. The answer to the question of why America's most popular participant sport isn't beating out the NFL for #1 is simple. The TV demographics say that white America is losing interest in pro basketball. The ratings are way down from even ten years ago, and the demographics have shifted.
Walking out on a limb, some of this is cultural. Whites still watch college ball in record numbers. Is it because there are more white players? Or is it because the NBA is so strongly identified with African-American culture there is some sort of subtle "no whites" sign on the door nobody put there, nobody talks about, but everyone sees?
Another heretical question. Did white America watch Jordan and Magic in numbers which dwarf those of today's NBA ratings because they accepted them as "white" culturally? Is there a difference, even now, in how Kobe Bryant and Carmelo Anthony play in the suburbs?
Have we crossed the Rubicon in basketball? And will the divide get bigger in the future? And, bizarre as this sounds, should the NBA be attempting with white kids what baseball is doing in the inner cities? I'm not at all advocating it, but there is a certain logic.
Finally, the big guy on the block. Football. Ah, you say, the exception to the rule. Maybe yes, maybe no. Quick quiz. Imagine a player at each position and tell me are they black or white. Offensive line, defensive line, linebacker, secondary, tight end, wide receiver, running back, quarterback, kicker?
I bet I know your answers. I'd wager also in twenty years quarterbacks, tight ends, and offensive linemen will be all have different answers. Not because of any genetic differences, simply because historically immigrant groups and the poor in general have embraced athletics as a way up and out. (That and another 30 years of white soccer moms forcing kids to play non-contact sports).
Last question. Does any of this matter? Should we ask the questions or just embrace the differences? Will individual sports become more segregated in the future, or will we look back in 50 years and laugh at it all (which I surely hope will be the case)?
Rape, robbery, drugs, vandalism, disturbing the piece, gambling, firearms possession, patronizing prostitutes, and the occasional gun fight. And murder.
And that's just what we hear about.
So I propose we recruit a better class of criminal. Bring in some of the big names in sports and, for crying out loud, come up with something new in the way of sports crimes.
I would like to see:
Tony Romo arrested for stalking Jessica Simpson. Then as he's being lead away I hope the police hear him say he thought he was at Carrie Underwood's house.
Arnold Palmer going down for a massive conspiracy to sell watered down Pennzoil.
Wouldn't it be neat to learn that Wayne Gretzky was the head of organized crime in Canada?
Or to see John Madden taken away in cuffs after settling an old score by beating up Al Michaels with a turducken?
The new Yankee Stadium torched after the Steinbrenner family becomes engaged in a feud among organized crime families to control garbage delivery in Hoboken, New Jersey.
Every NBA referee from the 1990's is indicted for conspiring to allow Michael Jordan to travel EVERY SINGLE TIME HE TOUCHED THE BALL. Bitter? Me? No, why do you ask?
A few years down the road, Brett Favre arrested for taking a nurse hostage while trying to break out of a retirement home.
I want the head on Barry Bonds booking photo to not fit onto his mug shot. And for that to be introduced as evidence against him.
If at all possible I'd like to see Coach K on a convenience store video tape knocking over a 7-11.
Any kind of crime involving Charles Barkley dressed as a woman.
Annika Sorenstam arrested by the Department of Homeland Security in possession of a thermonuclear device.
David Beckham being stopped by cops in a small town in Alabama and repeatedly tazed after they knock out one of his head lights during a traffic stop. "You ain't from around here are you, boy?"
I want the University of Michigan to fire Rich Rodriquez after finding a still in his basement.
In a repeat of the famous typhoon scene in "The Caine Mutiny" the entire Navy football team court marshaled for staging a mutiny during the Wake Forest football game after trailing 17-5 at half time.
Scott Boras arrested as a pimp.
Charlie Weis in handcuffs after being caught as a wheel man in connection with a series of armed robberies committed by Lou Holtz (who is caught wearing a Steve Spurrier mask).
Bill Belichick booked as a peeping Tom. His accomplice, Roger Goodale, is found in possession of incriminating videos of their late night escapades.
And finally, I'd like to see O.J. Simpson repeat his famous slow speed car chase. On a Zamboni.
#1-If O.J. Mayo got $30,000 indirectly from an agent a year before signing a multi-million dollar contract is he A)A disreputable character whose actions cast a shadow on a fine academic institution, B)A rental player just taking a swig from a bottle everyone drinks from, or C)A real sucker for just getting a lousy thirty grand?
#2-Find the flaw in this statement. Rich Rodriquez was paid $14 million to leave West Virginia to become the new football coach at Michigan. A)Nobody in their right mind would pay a college football coach $2.5 million a year, B)Rodriquez' loyalty to WVU could have been purchased much more cheaply or C)They should have spent the money on the guy from Appalachian State.
#3-If Alex Rodriquez makes $27.5 million a year and is on pace to hit 16 home runs this season, should a guardian be appointed for Hank Steinbrenner until he can prove himself competent to handle his own affairs?
#4-If the Kansas City Royals paid Gil Meche $7.4 million to lose thirteen games last season, how much would it cost them for their ace to lose 20 games? A)$11.38 million, B)$711,000 for each home run Alex Rodriquez will hit this season, C)Don't be silly, the Royals would surely be outbid by the Yankees for a pitcher with that kind of potential, of D)All of the above.
#5-Meche's $55 million dollars converted into $4 six inch hot dogs would stretch how far-A)To last place, B) To the moon and back, or C)From Kansas City to the approximate location of the wreck of the U.S.S. Monitor.
#6-If the bond market keeps going south will the Dallas Cowboys be so much
in debt for their new gilded palace of sin (sorry about that Gram) they
are forced to hock some of Terrell Owens jewelry?
#7-Is Commissioner Goodale's contract written so that if he is injured or has a bad year the league can not pay him what he signed for and choose instead just to take a hit against the salary cap? Oh, wait...
#8-If you can't find NHL playoff games on TV does that mean more or less money for scalpers? And in a related area, if Sid Crosby fell in an arena with no televison would it make a sound?
#9-David Beckham's contact is for $25 million. If there are 6,432 actual hard core pro soccer fans in North America how much would it cost to buy Beckham a nice SUV and a gas card, and send him around the country to meet each of them personally?
#10-Annika Sorenstam has earned $22 million on the LPGA tour and Tiger Woods earns $90 million counting endorsements. On what date would Woods pass Sorenstam's all time winnings? A)What's a Fuzzy Zoeller?, B)Shortly before V.J. Singh pauses to stop saying dumb things about other players, or C)March 28.
Answers (1-C, 2-B, 3-Yes, but what would be the fun in that, 4-D, 5-C (really), 6-Yes, and Tony Romo will have to start going dutch on dates, 7-Of course not, 8-No and you can but your Ovechkin on it, 9-Yes, but people would see Posh in the car and not come to the door, 10-C).
Remember when Charles Barkley used to talk about possibly running for Governor of Alabama. I've got 5-1 that's not happening. (I'll even give points).
Great playoffs this year in the NBA. Will it translate into higher TV ratings and popularity for the game? Maybe yes, maybe no. College basketball has universal appeal, but the pro game doesn't. In theory the NBA should overtake the NFL. In reality, it's not close.
The question has changed from whether the Patriots cheated to whether it helped them on the field. If you accept that Bill Belichick is a very smart coach, and he is, why would he have taken such risks if there was no advantage? We're not talking the 1919 WhiteSox, but what New England did to the intergrity of the game is in that neighborhood.
A Florida player used the gas card of a young woman who died in an accident with her boyfriend who played for the Gators. Pretty awful, even by college sports standards, and the player was kicked off the team. But where is the accountability for the coaching staff that recruited him? College coaches bring bad actors on campus and put up with misconduct, then act shocked when it crosses a line. Coaches preach accountability to players. They should practice it.
The NFL has it's own character problems. Off season arrests are stuck at the same levels as the past, regardless of Commissioner Goodale's actions against the likes of PacMan Jones. Sports is like education. It all starts at home.
When is Tony Stewart going to find a groove? Arguably the best driver in NASCAR has finished no better than 4th in his last five races. Stewart's driving style hasn't changed, but he's like a jockey coming down the stretch without enough horse under him. Is the real problem in the garage at Joe Gibbs racing?
The Saint Louis Cardinals will get Mark Mulder and Chris Carpenter back at some point this season. Already in the hunt, that will be the equivalent of two pretty good in-season trades without giving up a player. Most observers want to concede the NL Central to the Cubs, but St. Louis and Houston can't be counted out.
Speaking of the Astros, has anyone noticed the numbers Lance Berkman has hung up? Fifteen home runs, 43 RBI, and a .391 average. It works out to 57 home runs and 165 RBI. It could be one of the great seasons of modern baseball, and without even a suggestion of steroids.
Which makes you think. What is ARod doing for his $28 million? Four home runs, 11 RBI, .285. When you see Rodriquez and Tulowitzski going out with quadriceps injuries you start to believe strength training is a two edged sword. Today's players have more power than ever, but at the cost of durability.
Quick. Who is in the Stanley Cup chase? I don't know and I like to think I'm a hockey fan. The league took in alot of money in franchise fees and expanded to non-traditional markets to increase interest in the sport. Now there are no more than two good lines (if that) on teams and the quality of the game has eroded badly. Soon nobody will care.
Women's sports lost their best tennis player (Henin) and best golfer (Sorenstram) in the same week. Imagine if baseball lost Jeter and basketball Howard at the same time. They could sustain the loss, but will women's tennis and golf be able to? Hard to see how.
Big Brown should win the Triple Crown. But without a rival there to challenge in each race and build interest it will be the least exciting triple in racing history. The horse lacks something. You hate to say it, because it is an animal we're talking about, but there is a personality issue there (or lack of one).
I opposed tearing down Yankee Stadium until I saw artist's drawings of the new Yankee Stadium. It makes the house Ruth built look somewhere a crack addict would live. Bigger seats, better views, more places to buy $4 soft drinks. The stuff our society is built on.
You get to thinking. Do we really need to preserve so much of our history? Gettysburg would look so much better with a dirt bike track around all those monuments. I think the guys who nearly froze to death and starved at Valley Forge would have no problem at all with a Taco Bell by the banks of the Delaware. Ford's Theater screams for a IMAX screen. Get that ship wreck moved out of Pearl Harbor and put some leaping dolphins and a whale or two in.
Bleep history.
So when the big dump in the Bronx comes down it ought to be a signal to the rest of sports. Time to think outside the box.
First we light up Wrigley Field. I know, traditionally we knock down historical structures, but the pyromaniac in us all would be so much more satisfied if we burned the sucker down. Think about it, how else are we going to get rid of that creepy ivy on the outfield walls? The stuff just grows back if you pull it up. Then we come back in with a dome and put all those rooftop guys out of business.
Fenway Park would be next to go. You can't get enough people in and the neighborhood is lousy with bars. The Cask & Flagon, The Lower Depths (indeed), Boston Beer Works, and the Baseball Tavern. There's a big vacant lot over at something called the Boston Commons you could rebuild on. The land is just sitting there, crying out for public parking. We can turn Fenway into the world's largest Citgo Station. There's already a sign up.
Lambeau Field is another dump needing replacement. Haven't these knuckleheads heard of indoor heat? Who wants to sit outside in five degree weather when we could easily move the whole enterprise over to Milwaukee and stick it in Miller Park. Then you just change the name of the team to the Milwaukee Frosty Cold Ones to honor the city's heritage.
The Coliseum in Los Angeles irks me. You've got this little backwater town that can't even get a NFL team in and they keep this fossil of a stadium seating 92,000. It's called the Memorial Coliseum, in memory of the veterans of WW1. Get real, WW1 is like so, 1918. Traffic is terrible in LA, so you'd have to build the stadium east of the city but still near the interstate. I checked the map and there's something called the San Bernadino National Forest out by I-15 that would work great for a smaller stadium.
Speaking of excess capacity, what about Beaver Stadium at Penn State, a.k.a. the Rodent Bowl? You can get 107,282 people there (enough to seat all the Penn State players parole officers). One word-downsize. You could build a retirement community on site. They say there is a real need up there. This one eighty-one year old fellow has had to keep working at the same job for 59 years because there just isn't any suitable housing nearby.
Notre Dame could use a new place, or maybe just update what they've got. They could start by taking those ugly diagonal lines out in the end zone. Kids want something that speaks to their college experience. How about at the opposite end zone from that other statue something where the leprechaun slides down into tank of beer every time the Irish score. You could get the Claussen kid to work out the details, and if the offense doesn't improve you won't have to worry about the wee fellow getting wet most weeks (the leprechaun, not Clausen).
Cameron Indoor Stadium at Duke. A waste. An absolute waste. You've got the makings o####reat sports venue. Screaming drunken kids just out of their minds, waiting lines for tickets, hundreds of thousands of people who discovered they were Duke fans when the team started winning. We could sell 30,000 tickets a night and build the "Crazy K's Thunder Palace".
And finally, this place. One word-bulldozer (or is that two)?
The Gettysburg Address would sound nutty if Ozzie Guillen read it.
The greatest hitter since Ted Williams can't get a contract offer.
Is Gerald Ford of Michigan the only president we've had from a school with a decent football team?
And did McCain graduate ahead or behind Roger Staubach?
Find one unkind word anyone has ever written about Arnold Palmer.
If the Spurs go down I want it to be in the finals. Beat the champ to be the champ.
How is it the NBA is the only sport that suspends key players during the playoffs?
Larry Brown and the Charlotte Bobcats is a crazy enough idea which might just work out.
Why are they recreating the plot line from "Hoosiers" at Indiana?
And why does Obama keep getting those pictures made shooting hoops when they make him look like he could be schooled by Urkel?
So LSU kicked it a star quarterback with no interest in school or the rules. Better question, what was he doing there in the first place?
Which number is bigger? The number of light years to Mars or the number of times next season we'll have to hear some announcer gushing about Tyler Hansbrough staying at UNC?
When the news comes out that Marge Simpson slept with Roger Clemens I'm cutting the TV off for good.
And come to think of it, why did Hilary start wearing that Yankees cap if she had always been a Cubs fan?
Astronomers at an observatory in Germany have detected faint radio waves which may be the dying audio signature of the National Hockey League.
Big Brown is probably going to win the Triple Crown, but against inferior competition. A weak field at the Kentucky Derby is going to be much weaker at the Preakness.
What would the take be if betting was allowed on NASCAR?
Dale Jr. isn't going to coast to his first win in seventy-one races. He's got to go out and take it.
If there were true equality for women in sports Danica Patrick would be as unknown as every other Formula 1 driver.
To create a mock draft is to never say "I'm sorry"
The ritual goes like this. Six weeks of combine times, Wonderlic scores, then the draft, and then two weeks of the same "experts" grading the draft and giving low scores to the teams who made them look as wrong as Paris Hilton on a pig farm.
Not that everyone misses. This year's draft was more predictable than most. There were only six real impact players available, maybe not that many. A decent pool of a dozen mid first round types. And then? The stuff that dreams and delusions are made of.
So here's a quick rundown of what went according to plan and what cries out to be mocked in the first ten picks:
Jake Long (1) OT-Miami Everyone got that one. The signed contract gave it away.
Chris Long (2) DE-St. Louis. The experts and the Rams were in agreement. FOX's "The Big List" had Dorsey of LSU in this spot, and that is exactly the pick the Rams should have made. But the Rams bought into all the "Howie's Kid" hype and got a consistently good player from a pick that demands at least the possibility of greatness.
Matt Ryan (3) QB-Atlanta. Most mockers had Glenn Dorsey here. The Falcons went with Ryan. The pick was more about letting players and fans know they've moved on from Michael Vick, than about Ryan. When you see how far Brohm and Henne fell you want to use hindsight to advise the Falcons to take Dorsey and then trade back in later on to get one of those two. Unfortunately Atlanta neglected to bring a psychic to the draft room Saturday.
Darren McFadden (4) RB-Oakland. Did anyone in America not get this one right. McFadden carries more than just the football. He's got enough baggage to be the perfect Oakland Raider, on the field and off. Something called "The Sports Exchange" had Sedric Ellis here. The pick was wrong, but the lovely fruit basket they received from Ellis' agent made up for it.
Glenn Dorsey (5) DT-Kansas City. Nobody called this. Nobody, especially Dorsey, thought he'd still be available. I loved the live footage of Dorsey when he was selected by the Chiefs. He said the right things afterward, but his face gave it all away. He had that "Oh boy, I've always wanted to see the stockyards" look.
Vernon Gholston (6) DE-NY Jets. Most everyone had him a pick up or down from here. NFL.com had Leodis McKelvin. The same guys who start the closer panic runs in roto drafts always over rate cornerbacks.
Sedric Ellis (7) DT-New Orleans. Most had Ellis picked around 7 or 8, so no big surprise. FOX, writing from a laptop just outside the Saints draft room, even called the trade with New England that let them make the pick.
Derrick Harvey (8) DE-Jacksonville. Nobody had Harvey this high. On the broadcast the analysts showed Harvey in action and commented on his lack of size and strength. Those guys are good. Harvey seemed to actually grow smaller right there on my TV.
Keith Rivers (9) LB-Cincinnati. Everybody knew he was going to New England at #7. Everybody was wrong. The Bengals have the courage of their convictions going for them, and this time managed to draft a player without any.
Jerod Mayo (10) LB-New England. I suspect the Patriots are beginning to buy into the legend of their draft brilliance, taking a player rated as low as #32 by one expert. Mayo fits the Patrick WIllis (SF) pattern of a mobile linebacker who moved up on everyone's list just before the draft. Whether he plays up to Willis' level is the open question. As one of the many Belichick loathers I'm hoping he doesn't.
From here on down we mock the mockers...
Ryan Clady (12) OT Denver. Prisco and Judge over at CBS Sportsline-This one's for you. #5? You had a guy who played his career on blue Astro Turf at #5? Your "insider" status is now revoked. Rosencrantz and Gildenstern are dead.
Brandon Albert (15) G Kansas City. Show of hands from everyone who "knew" Alberts was going to Baltimore at #8. NFL.com, FOX. Raise them just a little higher, that's good. The live video of Albert was priceless. This is a seriously unhappy human being. Albert and Dorsey will have much to talk about in KC.
Dominque Rodgers-Cromatrie (16) CB Arizona. The draft nicks nailed this one. Except for Mr. Stuebel at FOX who had his at #11 to the Bills. He neglected to figure that a small market team like Buffalo could not afford to sew that many letters on a Jersey.
Joe Flaco (18) QB Baltimore. Did anyone even have Flaco in the first round? Did the Arena Football League guys have Flaco in the first round? OK, where were the experts on this one? The truth is, this may be one of the best picks of the draft. Batlimore once had another young QB not on anyone's list named Unitas. OK, Flaco's not Unitas, but at 6'6" he could do a passable Roman Gabriel imitation.
The "We're Just Not Into You That Way" award goes to DeSean Jackson, Limas Sweed, and Devin Thomas. Every mock draft I read had these three going in the first round. Thomas was even rated as high as (cough) #15. Maybe if Jackson had taken off those sun glasses while he was waiting with his family and friends he would have seen that he's too small to be much more than a slot receiver in the NFL. The NFL did.
Mr. Baker (OT-Atlanta), Mr. Johnson (RB-Tenn), Mr. Brown (OT-Houston), Mr. Jackson (DE-Seattle), I'm sorry we don't seem to have any reservations for you. You weren't on any of the lists the experts left for us. There has obviously been some sort of misunderstanding.
There you have it. A round that will in history or infamy or mockery.
(Fanfare) ESPN's 29th Annual Coverage of the NFL Draft.
(Chris Berman) Chris Berman here and it's time for us to go back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back......
(Off mike) Someone slap him he's stuck again.
(Mel Kiper Jr.) I'm on it. (Knocks Berman to the floor).
(Berman)....With draft expert Mel "the Kipper" Kiper Jr.
(Kiper Jr.) I really wish you wouldn't call me that. What is a kipper, anyway?
(Berman) It's a gutless, salted, fish.
(Todd McShay) Sounds about right to me, Chris.
(Berman) And we're joined by draft expert Todd Mc da knife McShay...
(Kiper Jr.) Somebody tell the Berminator Bobby Darin is dead and so's his career if he calls me a fish again..
(McShay) At least he's not hanging around Canton waiting for Mike Williams' Hall of Fame induction.
(Kiper, Jr.) I've been waiting for this, the voice of Swampscott High trying to tell ME, Mel Kiper, Jr. about talent.
(McShay) Two words Kiper, two words. Akili Smith.
(Kiper, Jr.) If you weren't on "Cold Pizza" you'd be delivering cold pizza loser.
(Berman) Let's go to the Cowboys War Room where Jerry Jones is with our Linda Cohn. Linda?
(Cohn) And if either of them has even SEEN a football game. Oh, sorry Chris, I'm here with Cowboys owner and GM Jerry Jones. Jerry, the Cowboys came so close last year. What are you looking to add during the draft to get to the Super Bowl?
(Jones, Jr.) Suzie, over the last year we've reestablished our core values as an organization. It's not about winning and losing, it's about trading up and down until someone recognizes my genius as a GM. It's really all about me, and if I want to trade two first round picks and the statue of Tom Landry to get the best Razorback available, then that's what I'll do. It's Jerry time, Michele, Jerry time.
(Berman) Enlightening comments from Jerry, Nathan Jones You Been Gone Too Long, Jones. Thanks, Colleen. Now, let's go to live video feed of the Miami Dolphins war room where Bill "United Parcel Service" Parcels is talking to his scouts.
(Parcels) Whatdoyou mean I'm funny?
(Scout) It's funny, you know, it's a great story. You're a funny guy.
(Parcels) You mean the way I talk, what?
(Jeff Ireland) You got it wrong, Bill.
(Parcels) Hold it Jeff. He's a big boy, he knows what he said, what did you say? Funny how?
(Scout) Just, you know, you're funny.
(Parcels) Help me understand this, cause maybe I'm a little messed up. I'm funny how? I'm funny like a clown? Do I amuse you? I make you laugh? I'm here to (bleep) amuse you?
(Scout) No, no, it's just, it's just.
(Parcels) See, I had you goin'. I had you goin'. You'd fold under pressure. Get this bum out of here. I'm drafting a tackle. Don't need no (bleepin') film to tell me to draft a (bleepin') tackle. (Sees cameras and begins waving a pistol. Suddenly the video feed goes black).
(Berman) WIll the Dolphins go for help on the O-line or at quarterback? Let's go to the Commish, Roger "Good Hands" Goodale with the announcement.
(Goodale) The Dolphins have traded the first pick in the 2008 NFL Draft to the Tennessee Titans for the rights to cornerback Adam Jones.
(Crowd gasps)
(Goodale) What, I can't have some fun? Seriously, Pac if you're listening, don't worry about being traded. Heck, don't worry about playing football. Ever. Anywhere. Cause that's just how "I" roll. Just kidding, with the first pick in the 2008 NFL draft the Dolphins take Jake Long, an offensive tackle from the University of Michigan.
(Berman) So the Dolphins take Jake the Snake, Jake the J-Man, the Jakinator, the Jakester, the Long and Winding Jake, the..
(Booth) Go to commercial...Mel, can you hit the reset on Chris?
(Berman) Jake and the Fatman, My Jakey Breaky Heart, Jakerooni....
(Kiper) It's not working, it's not working.
(Booth) The one BEHIND his ear. Not IN the ear, BEHIND the ear.
(McShay) Mel, maybe you could fill some time telling them why Ryan Leaf's attitude was just right for the NFL.
(Kiper) That's it, right here, right now, you'd better run.
(McShay) How fast would you say I'm running Kiper, as fast as J.J. Stokes?
(Berman) The Jake-O-Lantern, The Jake, The Jake, the Jake? Chaka Khan, Chaka Khan, Chaka Khan....
(Booth) Could somebody go get Dana or Suzie or Laura or whatever her name is up here?
"So far we have not found a body. However, the New York Police Department asks that anyone with information on Mr. Urtiz' whereabouts immediately phone the number shown on the screen.."
"What have I ever done to make you treat me so disrespectfully?. Some day, and that day may never come, I will call upon you to do a service for me."
"The radar gun does not lie. Five mph faster than Kenny Rogers."
"Some days I just feel like there's a target on the side of my car. Oh, wait....."
"Come on guys, just 499 laps more. And somebody keep an eye out behind us."
"You think I'm joking, just watch me. Jason Bay overthrows the cutoff man one more time and I'm outta here."
"Although forced to tee off from inside a specially constructed pit at each hole, Woods remained in contention through the final round. Said Vinjay Singh 'Next week a deeper pit.'"
"Honey, take off the helmet and come down to dinner. It's only April. They'll call, they always do."
"It was only then he realized something had gone horribly, horribly wrong."
"Last time we let Roseanne Barr sing 'Oh, Canada."
LeBron James an all-time great? Hardly. Twenty-four points on 10-10 in the first quarter against the Bulls, 10 more points on 3-11 the rest of the way in a loss. Where was LeBron in the fourth quarter? And will he ever get a ring?
Major League Baseball and the player's union have reached an agreement not to turn over testing for performance enhancing drugs to an independent agency. The question is why? Better question. Why don't we notice the NFL program is worse?
UCF wide receiver Ereck Plancher died during an off season workout in March. Now four players have anonymously told reporters at the end of the workout Coach George O'Leary singled out Plancher for a lack of effort and told him, "That's a bunch of (bleep) out of you, son." The players say Plancher was already showing signs of distress and couldn't even look at O'Leary because he was trying to catch his breath. Where is the NCAA?
Penn State and Joe Paterno are dancing around each other about a contract extension and have agreed to wait until the end of the season. The truth is it no longer matters if Paterno stays or goes. Nittany Lion football is now just another eastern program.
Brett Favre should come back. Just not with Green Bay. Aaron Rodgers is ready to play, and the Packers were probably not grief stricken at saying goodbye to the quarterback who threw away their chance at the Super Bowl against the Giants. Favre can't say he wants out of Green Bay, the Packers can't say they don't want him. A quiet off-season deal to a playoff caliber team would serve both parties well.
Yankees-RedSox and the good guys win 4-1 behind Chien Ming-Wang's complete game. The Yankees the good guys? There, I said it. The Yankees are the under dogs this season, the RedSox the powerful favorites. Pull for the RedSox? It would be like rooting for Microsoft.
Speaking of Boston, how about Tito Francona pulling Josh Beckett with the game tied 2-2, 2 out in the 5th, bases loaded against Toronto? Manny Delcarmen comes in and gives up a grand slam to Frank Thomas. You've got a Cy Young caliber pitcher who the manager doesn't think can get out of a 5th inning jam because he's thrown 96 pitches? Just another big league manager screwing up a pitching staff and losing games by babying his starters.
Does anyone watch golf anymore? With so many sports choices golf has lost the "I'll watch this because nothing else is on" audience segment. Nobody has time or greens fee money to to even play golf , so the audience of duffers is thinning. Tiger Woods dominance means the tournaments are seldom in doubt. Strike three and golf is out by a mile.
The Carolina Hurricanes did a fold job worthy of mention with last season's collapse by the Mets and were shut out of the playoffs. You didn't hear about it? That's hockey's problem. You can't find the games on TV, ESPN puts alot of effort into pretending it doesn't exist, nobody writes about it, and sports talk radio is silent on the subject. Without a new TV deal and rules to increase scoring the NHL will become golf with uniforms.
