Mrs. Alex Rodriquez: Keep your weight evenly distributed during the swing and make sure the trademark faces up. And you might want to consider one of those maple bats.
Brett Favre: Two words for you. Arena football. When was the last time you saw an arena football quarterback get hit? You could be making comebacks into your mid-40's.
Barry Bonds: There is a point in most episodes of Law & Order when the defense attorney leans over and, with a look of great seriousness, nods his head at the offer the DA just made. You can't see me, but I'm giving you that look. The feds don't care about Barry Bonds, they want to take down a network of steroid distributors. Give them what they want before you end up in some federal prison getting an asterisk carved into your back.
Ed Wade: Don't bother people while they're eating.
Manny Ramirez: Two words. Stub Hub.
Tiger Woods: You've got some free time. Shake up your image. I'm thinking some NBA style tattoos, body piercings, pimp up the old Buick. Get seen in public wearing that green jacket inside out with a sideways ball cap. Then go on the Golf Channel and tell them your one regret is that you'll always wonder how good you could have been if you'd actually enjoyed the game. You might want to wait until next April 1, but feel free to do it earlier if you get bored.
O.J. Mayo: Decide early on who you are and what your game is going to be about. You can be who Stephon Marbury is, or who he could have been.
ESPN: Get over yourself. The ESPY awards? Nobody cares. You're in danger of being what MTV is to music. A network about culture that forgot what its core business is.
LeBron James: Just go to New York already. The NBA will work something out. But if you do the dance of a thousand veils for the next two seasons you'll turn off the fans in Cleveland and alot of other places. Stay. Go. Just make a decision now.
Tony Stewart: Hire a weather guy. No excuse for coming in at New Hampshire when everyone could see rain was going to hit the track. All that stood between you and your first victory was not having some kid with a laptop and the URL of NOAA looking at the nearest radar. For the want of a nail...
The City of Seattle: Take the NBA's $75 million and let the Sonics go. Then look into creating an ABA for the new millennium. Eight team league to start, four overseas, salaries about half of what the NBA offers but a league bounty to go after a few big name stars. Emphasis on old school, fundamental basketball. The anti-NBA. Just crazy enough that it might work.
And finally.....To the New York Mets. Get rid of those awful black and blue caps. They symbolize everything wrong with the current direction of the team. The Mets are supposed to look like the likable alternative to the Yankees, not Brittany Spears roadies.
Changing channels I heard someone talk about how long it had been since a player had tasted victory. What does victory taste like? Chicken? Really good Gatorade?
If you're a Cubs fan it would be really smooth. It should, seeing how it's aged for one hundred years. Yankee championships taste like cigars wrapped in thousand dollar bills.
I like hearing the NASCAR announcers talk about a driver being able to smell victory. There's Dale Jr. coming into the last lap, talking to his crew chief. "Don't worry Dale, that's not the transmission, just the smell of victory. You probably don't remember it. Just give us one more lap."
The smell of defeat hangs on like Scott Boras trying to leach out the last five million in a seven year deal. Kobe Bryant probably is tired of hearing his kids ask him why the house smells like the New York Knicks.
Animals can smell fear. I'm betting the horses at the Belmont could smell Big Brown coming. They were probably rolling their eyes at each other when he came onto the track. "This ought to be good, he smells like the Mets in September".
Gene Mauch, the Phillies manager during their epic 1964 collapse, said he knew the season was lost when he looked into the eyes of his closer and saw fear. I imagine Joe Girardi looking into Sidney Ponson's eyes and seeing the Golden Arches.
Some sports images are gruesome. College coaches are fond of saying "My guys played their hearts out tonight." Imagine the phone conversations. "Mrs. Smithers, I'm sorry but we were down two touchdowns to State late in the 4th quarter and your son played his heart out. What's that? Yes, mam, I know it was a non-conference game, but your boy was a real competitor."
Most college coaches are deluded. They see things none of us see. Bobby Ray Jim Bob may have residue in the ash tray, an automatic weapon under the front seat, and a hooker in the back but somehow you know his coach will say "I looked in his eyes and saw a young man who needs athletics to put his life back together." Just once I'd like to here the coach say, "I looked in his eyes and saw "Law & Order" reruns. I wished him well and sent him home."
Then you have the phychic broadcaster. "I can feel the momentum changing, Bob." I'm skeptical, because it seems like they always say this right after some team has run off eight straight points. There may be one or two who can actually feel momentum shifting. I feel sorry for them. Their social lives have to be a nightmare. "I was out with Linda last night and suddenly I felt the momentum shift, so I dropped her off at the curb and went home."
Some poor guys can feel the electricity in the air. It's a little known fact that #### Vitale once threw himself on top of Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski during warmups of a Duke-Carolina game when he felt too much electricity in the air at the Dean Dome. Unfortunately, it was just accumulated static from Mike Shulman's scalp.
Finally, who are these guys who play for "pride". "No, no, you keep the $7.5 million I'm owed this year, I'm playing for pride." Does this mean there others who play because of deep seated self-loathing? "Mike, in the 4th quarter we were down 18 and I just hated myself so bad I threw myself under Tank Johnson and prayed the end would come quickly."
Gotta go. I smell victory. Or bacon. I get confused sometimes.
We never had this problem with Wilt and Jerry West. We also never had freestyle rap. Don't know what they would have done in 75', but I imagine it would have gone like this: SHAQ "Theme From Shaq"
Who's the big man rhymin' quick
That's a sex machine to all the chicks?
SHAQ!
Ya damn right!
Who is the man who would get a ring
For his brother Kobe?
SHAQ!
Can you dig it?
Who's the cat that won't cop out
When there's Celtics all about?
SHAQ!
Right On!
They say this cat Shaq is a bad mother
SHUT YOUR MOUTH!
I'm talkin' 'bout Shaq.
THEN WE CAN DIG IT!
He's a complicated man Who Kobe ratted out to his woman
GOT THE SHAFT!
Got more rings than the scoring machine... Got more rings than the scoring machine... Shaq! Shaq!
Four...
KOBE AND THE PIPS "Midnight Train to Phoenix"
Kobe, proved too much for the man So he left the wife he'd come to know He said he's goin' back to find what's left of his game The game he left behind oh so long ago
He's leavin' on that midnight train to Phoenix Said he's goin' back to find a seat for his behind I won't be with him on that midnight train to Phoenix I'd rather he live in his world and live without him in mine
He kept dreamin' that without me he'd be a star But he sure found out the hard way that dreams don't always come true So he's pawned all his hopes and he even sold his thirty-two nicknames Buyin' a playoff ticket back is the only way he'll have a finals view
Said he's leavin' on that midnight train to Phoneix Said he's goin' back to find some words that rhyme with behind I'm won't be with him on that midnight train to Phoenix I'd rather he live in his world and live without him in mine
Oh he's leavin' on the midnight train to Phoenix Said he's goin' try to find a way to score from the line Next year he'll watch me, from a recliner somewhere in Phoenix I'd rather he live in his world than live with him in mine
Get off the boards, get off the boards, get off the boards On the midnight train to Phoenix He got to go He got to go He got to go
In discussing the NBA, the word thug is actually a sort of short hand. It refers to players (mostly, or entirely) African-American who don't exactly spend their off days signing autographs at the local children's hospital. Ask people what the league's problem is and they will drop the "t" word.
But a thug, in the more traditional sense, is someone who bullies other people in order to have their way. Who steps outside the bounds of propriety with intimidation and threats.
Like the thugs in the NBA front office.
Today we find the NBA demanding $1.4 million from Tim Donaghy, the ref who traded inside information to gamblers. This comes shortly after Donaghy filed papers alleging widespread misconduct by league officials and executives.
The NBA doesn't need $1.4 million. This is a sport where Kwame Brown makes $3.9 million a year for single digit mediocrity.
I seriously doubt the NBA ever spent a fraction of $1.4 million they claim to have sunk into investigating Donaghy's charges and corruption in the ranks of officials. The league has pretty much turned a blind eye to most anything referees have done over the years.
Joey Crawford challenges Tim Duncan to a fight one season, and is back calling crucial playoff games the next. No problem. The Sacramento-LA playoff game in 2005 that smelled worse than a fixed prize fight? Never looked into. A college study that found patterns of point spread manipulation late in games? Denied as faulty methodology.
If the league didn't conduct a serious inquiry, what's the $1.4 million request for? As thugs do, Daniel Stern's goons in suits are trying to shut up someone who knows too much. In this case Donaghy. And send a message to any of the league's other officials to keep quiet or risk financial ruination.
Actually, it's $1,400,750. The NBA issued a separate demand for $750 to pay for the shoes the league provided Donaghy. See, that's another thing about thugs. They tend to be petty and try to rub people's noses into the ground to make a point.
Then there is Seattle.
Daniel Stern's personal touch of thuggery was his direct involvement in trying to extort a free arena from the taxpayers of Seattle. "Hand over the money or we take your team." So, the Sonics are a big part of the league's history with some of the most loyal fans in the sport?
It means nothing.
Stern believed he could bully and threaten Seattle into handing over the keys to a new arena to the Sonics new ownership, with minimal financial exposure by the new owners. New owners who just so happened to be from Oklahoma.
Now what were the odds? The league approved as the new owners of the Sonics a business leader in Oklahoma City who was active in trying to get the NBA to locate a franchise there.
Coincidence? No, a message. The message being the league was going to be given a free building or would move to Oklahoma, lease or not. The NBA is now in court trying, in a heavy handed, thuggish way to rip the Sonics away from Seattle before the arena contract says it's time to go.
There is a line I like in an old Woody Guthrie song called "Pretty Boy Floyd the Outlaw". It says, simply, "Some will rob you with a six gun, and some with a fountain pen."
The Stern gang won't shower money on strippers, or get stopped at 3 a.m. with residue in the ash tray and automatic weapons under the front seat. But make no mistake about it, the real thugs in the NBA are on Fifth Avenue in New York.
And it's time for the NBA owners to do something about them.
Greatest players in each sport. Twenty seconds to think. Ready set go.
Odds are many of you named Ruth in baseball, Michael Jordan in basketball, Jim Brown in football, Gretzky in hockey, Pele in soccer, Tiger Woods in golf, Pete Sampras and Martina Navratilova in tennis, and Dale Earhardt in NASCAR. OK, throw in Secretariat in horse racing with Willie Shoemaker along for the ride.
Miss anyone? Most of it is conventional wisdom which changes over time. But is it right? And if these guys are number one, who is number two? And who on that list makes a good claim at possibly being the best?
Baseball. Barry Bonds wrote himself out of this spot. Who can say what he's guilty of? Who can say what he isn't? Ty Cobb? Madison Avenue hasn't invented the PR firm which could reform his image. Not much power, either. Don't talk to me about Alex Rodriquez. We don't have that much time. Ted Williams? Not a complete player. Hank Aaron? Wagner, or a man who might well be the best ever, Nap Lajoie?
So, who's in second? I'll take Christy Mathewson. Before Ruth came along, Mathewson made New York fall in love with baseball. Mathewson set all kinds of records, but more than that gave baseball respectability with the upper class (and the chattering class-the media). Quite possibly the best pitcher of all-time, a master of control who never stood taller than in the spotlight of the biggest games. Erudite, largely a cipher, and the coolest customer of them all
Football. People get sentimental about Unitas, and he was the first great TV quarterback. But not as good as Elway. Jerry Rice is Cal Ripken. Joe Montana the definition of a professional. Lawrence Taylor a force of nature. Maybe Manning or Brady? Before it's over that argument will be made for one or both.
I'll go with #### Butkus. Taylor had more talent, but Butkus was football. If you ever get a chance to watch one of his games on video, keep an eye and an ear open. Hard to describe, but a Butkus tackle sounded like a car wreck. Forward momentum ceased. Strong men flinched. Butkus and Brown had the hearts of lions.
All that aside, it always bugs me that Terry Bradshaw's name isn't higher on these lists. The man worked hard to harness enormous talents and won Super Bowls. The Steelers without Bradshaw would not have been any where near successful. Put aside the laughing image. This was a great, great quarterback.
Basketball. Russell for all the banners in the old Boston Garden, Chamberlin for how he changed the game. Jabbar for the sustained excellence. Bird and Johnson, linked forever in time as competitors and showmen. All were great.
I'd throw two other names in, along with a qualification. I don't believe Jordan was the best. Maybe not even in the top three. I've seen Julius Erving play and Doctor J. would eat Jordan's lunch. Heresy aside, the best all-around player the game has seen may be Oscar Robertson. He had it all. Scorer, tremendous assist man, solid rebounder, tenacious defender. If not the best, then certainly no slouch at #2.
Hockey. Gordie Howe and Bobby Hull were tremendous scorers. Rocket Richard maybe the most glamorous player ever. Too many goalies to name.
This is easy, though. It has to be Bobby Orr at #2, maybe even #1. The pure excitement of Orr rushing out of the Boston zone into open ice is perhaps unmatched in sports. Fifteen thousand people catching their breath at one time. Pure magic. Skills rivaling Gretzky's from a defenseman. Hard to explain to anyone brought up on today's game. There may be another Gretzky. There will never be another Bobby Orr.
Soccer. A subject I know little to nothing about. I don't put Beckham in Pele's league, however, and someone who knows more history might even suggest two or three better. Pele dominated his sport in the way Ruth did baseball for a time.
Golf. Palmer or Nicklaus. Toss a coin. I'd take Nicklaus on talent. If they somehow could be matched in their prime I'm not sure Nicklaus wouldn't have beaten him if the played just once. Over a stretch Woods is better, but he never had other great players to press him the way Nicklaus did.
Tennis. I suppose you're supposed to say Rod Laver, who may have been the best. I'd go with Bjorn Borg. And if I had to have someone go out and win one match, not sure that Jimmy Conners wouldn't find a way to win. The women's side of the coin is much clearer. If not Navaratilova then Evert.
NASCAR. I think we forget RIchard Petty all too easily. Behind the image o####ood natured man in retirement is a record of unparalleled excellence. Earnhardt had the advantage of being around when the rest of the country discovered stock car racing. Petty was there at the beginning of the climb and won on guts and smarts.
Horse Racing. Secretariat may not be the greatest horse of all time, but he had the greatest film clip, pulling away from the field by what seemed like miles. Man of War, though, could easily be the best. What I wouldn't give to have seen them race.
Jockeys? I'll put one name in. Pat Day. Here it may be sentiment on my part, having seen Day ride and admiring his work for years. He perfected what is simply known as "the Pat Day ride", always knowing exactly when to make his move. Was he the best? I don't know, but he's the best I ever saw.
Number two is not a bad place to be. We don't remember number two, but we can always argue number one. It part of what makes sports so much fun.
If I understand the logic correctly, the Lakers can't come back and win the NBA finals because it's never been done before. In other words, nothing is possible until it has happened at least once.
Maybe not this time. As much as I detest the Lakers, this could be the year history is made.
Commissioner David Stern, whose credibility as a sports czar is now a rather large notch below that of Vince McMahon of the WWE, got his dream matchup. Celtics and Lakers. Raise the ancient banners, pump up the volume on the hype, pray this is the year the finals TV ratings slide is reversed.
One small problem. The Celtics aren't the Celtics anymore, and the Lakers are just a West Coast version of the Cleveland Cavaliers. So anything could happen, from LA rolling over and playing dead to the Celtics losing three in a row.
How could it happen?
The Celtics were 12-8 entering their matchup with Los Angeles. Round one they went up 2-0 on Atlanta and needed seven games to take down the mighty Hawks. Round two, they barely escaped a game seven one man attack by LeBron James. Next came the Pistons. Tied up after a 19 point blowout in Detroit, they righted themselves to win in 6.
The team all and sundry want to hand over the NBA title to is 3-8 on the road going into tonight's game at Los Angeles. If the dysfunctional Lakers can get their act together, and there is no reason they can't, they will go back to Boston needing only to win two road games against a talented, but not great team.
The Celtics have been held under 80 points four times during the playoffs and are perfectly capable of disappearing for long stretches of game time. When they are good they are very good, and when they are bad they are awfully bad.
What would a Celtic collapse look like? It would see Bryant scoring 40 plus in two of the three games. It would include a serious imbalance in rebounding in favor of Los Angeles. And it would likely include Paul Pierce disappearing in one of the two home games, the way he did in Game 3 in LA.
All of which are possible.
This is the series we learn where Phil Jackson really stands in NBA coaching history next to Auerbach and Holtzman. This is where we discover if the inner demons within Kobe Bryant have voices loud enough to drive him to carry his team on his shoulders three more nights. And it may be when we get solid evidence of how much truth there is to rumors of NBA manipulation of officiating.
Do I think the Lakers will stage a miracle comeback? Probably not, maybe even 80% odds against not. But I do think the series will go back to Boston and that game 6 will be tight. And that a Game 7 battle of two not so great teams would be a coin flip.
A better blogger would have answers. All I have is questions.
For instance, why are sports segregated? If you go back to the 70's there were alot of African-Americans playing baseball. And white guys starting in the NBA. And, as hard as it is to imagine, white running backs.
Now African-Americans don't play baseball and whites can't be found in the NBA. And white running backs? You see them about as often as someone sights the Loch Ness monster.
But is that a bad thing? Something that requires a remedy? Just one of those things?
Start with soccer and work up the sports food chain. Soccer in this country is day care for white kids. Let them go out and run around for a couple of hours until the ritalin kicks in. The rest of the world, everybody plays "the beautiful game". Here it's different. Why is that?
A part of me wants to give African-Americans credit for not taking an interest in soccer. What the world calls "football" reminds me of the punishment drills we used to run in school where you had to sprint to the top of the circle then back, then to mid-court then back, and on until your will to live was gone. Just with a goal at one end.
It could also be a question of space and where people live. Land is not plentiful for recreation in the inner cities. A basketball court fits just about anywhere, a soccer field requires real estate. But if space is the issue why is tennis not a bigger thing? After the Williams sisters, diversity among the big names in tennis is almost non-existent.
NASCAR is great at marketing and has opened up to places and demographics once untouched by the sport. Why no black drivers? Maybe because you have to start young at lower levels of the sport and it is a sport that requires an investment in not just time but financial resources. Can NASCAR bypass that part of the process and come up with an African-American driver on a major team? And would that draw any interest? Don't know, but we may find out eventually.
The NHL? Forgetaboutit. Or maybe not. Canada is becoming more diverse and basketball doesn't provide much competition. Here in America it's a matter, black or white, of having access to the relatively few available youth hockey programs. But hockey, played well, is a sport that combines many of the elements of football. Speed, skill, hitting. If football can be popular outside of white America, maybe within 30 years hockey could catch on. But not if you have to pay $60 for a decent seat.
Ah baseball. So much potential, so much decline, so much effort to change. I'll make what may seem to be an outlandish argument. This is our most integrated sport (and no, it isn't football despite what you may think). If you factor the wide range of foreign born players in, and the lack of stereotypes as to position (see the NFL) it is a remarkably diverse sport.
Here the drop in participation among African-Americans is part voluntary. It was there at one time and has faded. Basketball and football are the destinations of choice for black athletes. The shame is the odds are stacked against ever making a dime in either one. A good athlete has a much better chance of making money, big money, in baseball.
Culture kicks in. The youth culture embraces basketball. It is no accident rap and basketball intersect so often. Baseball is viewed as a "white" game even if no barriers were to exist to keep other groups out. The game itself is slower, equipment expensive, space to play limited. But there is nothing there which can't be overcome and to baseball's credit it is trying.
I have to bring up Barry Bonds. In retrospect, Bonds should have been baseball's Michael Jordan. If Michael Jordan had been surly, arrogant, self-absorbed, and chemically enhanced. To some degree baseball missed the boat in not promoting Bonds the way basketball did Jordan. But Bonds wanted to be the Godfather. RIch, respected, attended to. He wasn't interested in promoting the game. And so an opportunity was lost.
Now basketball. And the stickiest questions. Let's take as an assumption baseball is not diverse enough. That it has programs to reach out to inner cities. Should do more, and is criticized for not doing more.
Then about about round ball? At its highest level, the NBA, it is a reverse image of hockey in terms of diversity. Sure, there a few European white players, even a smattering of bench warmers from the states. But African-Americans own basketball.
If diversity is supposed to matter in other sports, if leagues are supposed to be working on fixing the problem, what is the NBA doing about its situation? Well, nothing, if you're watching the NBA finals. But is that such a bad thing?
Nobody is barring whites from courts. Nobody is keeping them from practicing hard and learning the skills they would need to advance. Whites do, in fact, participate in large numbers at lower levels of the game. So why even ask the question?
Well, there is this. The answer to the question of why America's most popular participant sport isn't beating out the NFL for #1 is simple. The TV demographics say that white America is losing interest in pro basketball. The ratings are way down from even ten years ago, and the demographics have shifted.
Walking out on a limb, some of this is cultural. Whites still watch college ball in record numbers. Is it because there are more white players? Or is it because the NBA is so strongly identified with African-American culture there is some sort of subtle "no whites" sign on the door nobody put there, nobody talks about, but everyone sees?
Another heretical question. Did white America watch Jordan and Magic in numbers which dwarf those of today's NBA ratings because they accepted them as "white" culturally? Is there a difference, even now, in how Kobe Bryant and Carmelo Anthony play in the suburbs?
Have we crossed the Rubicon in basketball? And will the divide get bigger in the future? And, bizarre as this sounds, should the NBA be attempting with white kids what baseball is doing in the inner cities? I'm not at all advocating it, but there is a certain logic.
Finally, the big guy on the block. Football. Ah, you say, the exception to the rule. Maybe yes, maybe no. Quick quiz. Imagine a player at each position and tell me are they black or white. Offensive line, defensive line, linebacker, secondary, tight end, wide receiver, running back, quarterback, kicker?
I bet I know your answers. I'd wager also in twenty years quarterbacks, tight ends, and offensive linemen will be all have different answers. Not because of any genetic differences, simply because historically immigrant groups and the poor in general have embraced athletics as a way up and out. (That and another 30 years of white soccer moms forcing kids to play non-contact sports).
Last question. Does any of this matter? Should we ask the questions or just embrace the differences? Will individual sports become more segregated in the future, or will we look back in 50 years and laugh at it all (which I surely hope will be the case)?
There are so many reasons David Stern needs to resign as NBA commissioner you hardly know where to begin.
The ridiculous anti-bling campaign against his league's players.
Stern's own thuggish behavior in trying to extort the taxpayers of Seattle to give the Sonics a new arena. Then fronting for the OK City ownership group's transparent attempts to run the franchise into the ground in order to get to Oklahoma as soon as possible.
The league's collusion with the NCAA and the NBA Player's Association to keep star high school players from going directly to the pros by imposing an age limit (19) that has no rational justification.
Awarding BET founder Robert Johnson the Charlotte Bobcats franchise over a group headed by Larry Bird which might have at least attempted to put a competitive product on the court.
Declining standards of play throughout his tenure while the cost to attend NBA games has gone through the roof.
Stern's determined stonewalling in the face of referee Tim Donaghy's assertions that more referees than just himself were involved in gambling, and that referees tilt games based on how well they get along with certain players and coaches. Keep in mind this was only a season after the league finally had to suspend ref Joey Crawford for his baiting of Tim Duncan and ten years after Stern allowed eight officials accused of income tax evasion to continue calling games.
The league's relative silence on hearing Charles Barkley owed a Las Vegas casino $400,000 in unpaid gambling debts.
Stern's own decision to allow Vegas to stage the NBA all-star game, and to at least entertain the idea of putting an NBA team in gambling's capital city.
Add this. Stern has been a poor steward of the integrity of the game and, in fact, has permitted a trade that not only had no justification but also hand delivered a star player to a team favored by the league because of its impact on TV ratings.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Kwame Brown, Javaris Crittendon, and two first round draft choices from Memp[his to LA for Pau Gasol. A trade made, admittedly by the Memphis GM, after accepting offers from no other team in the league.
A trade which took the most marketable asset and best player from a team struggling to fill seats and landed him in LA to provide Kobe Bryant the sidekick needed to get out of the early rounds of the playoffs.
A trade of which Jeannie Buss, daughter of the Lakers owner and a member of the team front office said “What I'm most proud about that trade is the fact that it never leaked out. I have a feeling that there would have been teams in the league that
would have upped their offer to get Gasol or they would have locked the
Memphis GM in a closet to keep him from making that deal.''
In other words, Memphis might have gotten a better deal. Which raises the question, why did Memphis not do what any casual fan would have had the business acumen to do?
Maybe the answer is the Grizzlies are losing around $16 million a year and are trying to dump salary to be more attractive to a potential buyer, a buyer who might want to move the team from Memphis and would need approval of the league to relocate. Enter David Stern. Exit Pau Gasol.
When Donaghy, not exactly the picture of integrity, raises issues about a level playing field in the league it is easy to dismiss his accusations as self serving. But, when you look at the totality of Stern's record as commissioner it's not hard to believe the NBA is part pure competition and part put up job.
If the Lakers win the NBA title and David Stern hands the trophy to Jerry Buss, remember this. It isn't the first time this year Stern has tried to do exactly that. And the Lakers wouldn't even be playing the Spurs if not for David Stern.
The Donaghy affair might be an isolated incident, but at this distance it doesn't feel that way. The NBA needs a full, complete, and open investigation of it's officials. And the probe has to be lead by someone of integrity. Someone who can safe guard the integrity of the game. That can't be done with the man who oversaw the Pau Gasol heist as commissioner.
Rape, robbery, drugs, vandalism, disturbing the piece, gambling, firearms possession, patronizing prostitutes, and the occasional gun fight. And murder.
And that's just what we hear about.
So I propose we recruit a better class of criminal. Bring in some of the big names in sports and, for crying out loud, come up with something new in the way of sports crimes.
I would like to see:
Tony Romo arrested for stalking Jessica Simpson. Then as he's being lead away I hope the police hear him say he thought he was at Carrie Underwood's house.
Arnold Palmer going down for a massive conspiracy to sell watered down Pennzoil.
Wouldn't it be neat to learn that Wayne Gretzky was the head of organized crime in Canada?
Or to see John Madden taken away in cuffs after settling an old score by beating up Al Michaels with a turducken?
The new Yankee Stadium torched after the Steinbrenner family becomes engaged in a feud among organized crime families to control garbage delivery in Hoboken, New Jersey.
Every NBA referee from the 1990's is indicted for conspiring to allow Michael Jordan to travel EVERY SINGLE TIME HE TOUCHED THE BALL. Bitter? Me? No, why do you ask?
A few years down the road, Brett Favre arrested for taking a nurse hostage while trying to break out of a retirement home.
I want the head on Barry Bonds booking photo to not fit onto his mug shot. And for that to be introduced as evidence against him.
If at all possible I'd like to see Coach K on a convenience store video tape knocking over a 7-11.
Any kind of crime involving Charles Barkley dressed as a woman.
Annika Sorenstam arrested by the Department of Homeland Security in possession of a thermonuclear device.
David Beckham being stopped by cops in a small town in Alabama and repeatedly tazed after they knock out one of his head lights during a traffic stop. "You ain't from around here are you, boy?"
I want the University of Michigan to fire Rich Rodriquez after finding a still in his basement.
In a repeat of the famous typhoon scene in "The Caine Mutiny" the entire Navy football team court marshaled for staging a mutiny during the Wake Forest football game after trailing 17-5 at half time.
Scott Boras arrested as a pimp.
Charlie Weis in handcuffs after being caught as a wheel man in connection with a series of armed robberies committed by Lou Holtz (who is caught wearing a Steve Spurrier mask).
Bill Belichick booked as a peeping Tom. His accomplice, Roger Goodale, is found in possession of incriminating videos of their late night escapades.
And finally, I'd like to see O.J. Simpson repeat his famous slow speed car chase. On a Zamboni.
#1-If O.J. Mayo got $30,000 indirectly from an agent a year before signing a multi-million dollar contract is he A)A disreputable character whose actions cast a shadow on a fine academic institution, B)A rental player just taking a swig from a bottle everyone drinks from, or C)A real sucker for just getting a lousy thirty grand?
#2-Find the flaw in this statement. Rich Rodriquez was paid $14 million to leave West Virginia to become the new football coach at Michigan. A)Nobody in their right mind would pay a college football coach $2.5 million a year, B)Rodriquez' loyalty to WVU could have been purchased much more cheaply or C)They should have spent the money on the guy from Appalachian State.
#3-If Alex Rodriquez makes $27.5 million a year and is on pace to hit 16 home runs this season, should a guardian be appointed for Hank Steinbrenner until he can prove himself competent to handle his own affairs?
#4-If the Kansas City Royals paid Gil Meche $7.4 million to lose thirteen games last season, how much would it cost them for their ace to lose 20 games? A)$11.38 million, B)$711,000 for each home run Alex Rodriquez will hit this season, C)Don't be silly, the Royals would surely be outbid by the Yankees for a pitcher with that kind of potential, of D)All of the above.
#5-Meche's $55 million dollars converted into $4 six inch hot dogs would stretch how far-A)To last place, B) To the moon and back, or C)From Kansas City to the approximate location of the wreck of the U.S.S. Monitor.
#6-If the bond market keeps going south will the Dallas Cowboys be so much
in debt for their new gilded palace of sin (sorry about that Gram) they
are forced to hock some of Terrell Owens jewelry?
#7-Is Commissioner Goodale's contract written so that if he is injured or has a bad year the league can not pay him what he signed for and choose instead just to take a hit against the salary cap? Oh, wait...
#8-If you can't find NHL playoff games on TV does that mean more or less money for scalpers? And in a related area, if Sid Crosby fell in an arena with no televison would it make a sound?
#9-David Beckham's contact is for $25 million. If there are 6,432 actual hard core pro soccer fans in North America how much would it cost to buy Beckham a nice SUV and a gas card, and send him around the country to meet each of them personally?
#10-Annika Sorenstam has earned $22 million on the LPGA tour and Tiger Woods earns $90 million counting endorsements. On what date would Woods pass Sorenstam's all time winnings? A)What's a Fuzzy Zoeller?, B)Shortly before V.J. Singh pauses to stop saying dumb things about other players, or C)March 28.
Answers (1-C, 2-B, 3-Yes, but what would be the fun in that, 4-D, 5-C (really), 6-Yes, and Tony Romo will have to start going dutch on dates, 7-Of course not, 8-No and you can but your Ovechkin on it, 9-Yes, but people would see Posh in the car and not come to the door, 10-C).
Note-First things first. I was WRONG about Lebron James (at least for one night). The big guy turned it on and turned it up. Last night the whole package (scoring, rebounds, assists, defense) was there for all 48 minutes.
Last night the Boston Celtics looked like the basketball equivalent of one of Charlie
Brown's little league teams. Just put Doc Rivers in one of those
sweaters with the zig-zag patterns.
Boston 69 Cleveland 74.
How does a team hyped as a title contender end up scoring just 69 points? Let me count the ways: Let 36 of your 69 shots come from two players (Garnett 21, Pierce 15).
Get only 13 chances at the free throw line.
Four shots each from two starters (Rondo and Perkins).
Do what most good NBA teams can't (hold Ray Allen to 8 shots and 9 points).
Get just 12 points and 16 shots from the bench (most of which seemed to come from Glenn Davis missing after offensive rebounds).
Accumulate just 19 assists in 48 minutes.
Put up just 37 rebounds, with no player in double figures.
Shoot 39.7% from the floor.
Home court-road game talk aside, this was just bad basketball. I've seen Garnett within the context of the Timberwolves generating offense and lifting everyone else up with him. Last night was different. Last night it was Garnett and the Invisible Men.
No ball movement. Nobody hitting the open shot. Very little open floor basketball. Just alot of standing around waiting for Garnett to do the work.
The NBA game continues to drift in the direction of low scoring. Possibly salaries play a part. You pay mega salaries to star players and they expect, and so does management, the offense will run through them. The fashionable thing to do is bring in "complimentary players" who know their job is to do one thing well (defense, rebounding, passing).
What you end up with is nobody who can hit a shot after your third option (or, in Cleveland's case maybe not even a second option). Each possession uses most of the shot clock, giving defenses time to adjust. And the running game never gets going.
Watching the Celtics offense last night was like watching paint dry. They played defensive offense and never attacked, never took a chance at a shot early in the clock. Tired old men playing a tired old game.
Will Boston beat Cleveland at home in Game 7? Don't know. Lebron James could make me eat my words (again).
I do know this. I've seen alot of NBA title teams over the years.
Remember when Charles Barkley used to talk about possibly running for Governor of Alabama. I've got 5-1 that's not happening. (I'll even give points).
Great playoffs this year in the NBA. Will it translate into higher TV ratings and popularity for the game? Maybe yes, maybe no. College basketball has universal appeal, but the pro game doesn't. In theory the NBA should overtake the NFL. In reality, it's not close.
The question has changed from whether the Patriots cheated to whether it helped them on the field. If you accept that Bill Belichick is a very smart coach, and he is, why would he have taken such risks if there was no advantage? We're not talking the 1919 WhiteSox, but what New England did to the intergrity of the game is in that neighborhood.
A Florida player used the gas card of a young woman who died in an accident with her boyfriend who played for the Gators. Pretty awful, even by college sports standards, and the player was kicked off the team. But where is the accountability for the coaching staff that recruited him? College coaches bring bad actors on campus and put up with misconduct, then act shocked when it crosses a line. Coaches preach accountability to players. They should practice it.
The NFL has it's own character problems. Off season arrests are stuck at the same levels as the past, regardless of Commissioner Goodale's actions against the likes of PacMan Jones. Sports is like education. It all starts at home.
When is Tony Stewart going to find a groove? Arguably the best driver in NASCAR has finished no better than 4th in his last five races. Stewart's driving style hasn't changed, but he's like a jockey coming down the stretch without enough horse under him. Is the real problem in the garage at Joe Gibbs racing?
The Saint Louis Cardinals will get Mark Mulder and Chris Carpenter back at some point this season. Already in the hunt, that will be the equivalent of two pretty good in-season trades without giving up a player. Most observers want to concede the NL Central to the Cubs, but St. Louis and Houston can't be counted out.
Speaking of the Astros, has anyone noticed the numbers Lance Berkman has hung up? Fifteen home runs, 43 RBI, and a .391 average. It works out to 57 home runs and 165 RBI. It could be one of the great seasons of modern baseball, and without even a suggestion of steroids.
Which makes you think. What is ARod doing for his $28 million? Four home runs, 11 RBI, .285. When you see Rodriquez and Tulowitzski going out with quadriceps injuries you start to believe strength training is a two edged sword. Today's players have more power than ever, but at the cost of durability.
Quick. Who is in the Stanley Cup chase? I don't know and I like to think I'm a hockey fan. The league took in alot of money in franchise fees and expanded to non-traditional markets to increase interest in the sport. Now there are no more than two good lines (if that) on teams and the quality of the game has eroded badly. Soon nobody will care.
Women's sports lost their best tennis player (Henin) and best golfer (Sorenstram) in the same week. Imagine if baseball lost Jeter and basketball Howard at the same time. They could sustain the loss, but will women's tennis and golf be able to? Hard to see how.
Big Brown should win the Triple Crown. But without a rival there to challenge in each race and build interest it will be the least exciting triple in racing history. The horse lacks something. You hate to say it, because it is an animal we're talking about, but there is a personality issue there (or lack of one).
After James' Cavaliers lost to the Celtics in Game 5, Lebron James (international icon) said "A Lebron James team is never desperate."
Maybe the Cavs should consider desperation.
Down 3-2 to Boston it's time for something, maybe even something as radical as playing all 48 minutes. And maybe it's time for Cleveland to stop being a "Lebron James" team and become a NBA playoff level "TEAM" instead of the basketball equivalent of the Pips.
Because Gladys (Lebron) can't carry a tune through the whole concert, and the midnight train to nowhere is at the station ready for their arrival.
To recap. Cleveland is up 44-29 with 3:51 left in the first half of Wednesday night's game. With 1:04 left in the third quarter Boston is up 12. During this 27 point swing, James is 0-4 with 2 assists and a turnover.
Lebron's reaction?
“I thought I was going to play well. And I continued to play well. I
didn’t continue to shoot the ball extremely well like I started, but I
was still able to attack and get to the lane and do the things that I’m
used to or accustomed to doing. Pretty good performance by me as an
individual, like I said, but us losing the game means more than
anything.”
James got 35 points. The "king" of the Cavs offense took 38% of their shots and got 39% of Cleveland's points. Which isn't a bad night, but it's not "playing well" enough to win in the playoffs.
You get the idea James is waiting on his teammates to elevate their game. But when your teammates are named Ilgauskas, West, Wallace, and Szczerbiak that isn't an option. James can't continue to rush out to good starts and then take four shots in 15 minutes.
The disappearing act has to stop.
In business we have a concept called "off the hook". Basically, it's a reminder that no matter what you did (or someone else didn't do) you're not off the hook if the results aren't there. If someone else on the team isn't picking up the slack you've got to step up.
Same rules apply on the basketball court.
In year five of Lebron James the Cavaliers have missed the playoffs twice, lost in the second round, lost in the finals, and are on the edge of going out in the second round this year. James wants the acclaim accorded to the league's best players but those players (Bird, Jordan, Johnson) won in the playoffs and were present for 48 minutes.
James has one year left and an option and has spent the season worrying about the team around him. Unless Cleveland adds a second option, the way the Lakers added Gasol to Kobe Bryant, next year is going to look alot like this one.
So James comes to Game 6 at a turning point. He can #### it up and carry the Cavaliers, or he can be satisfied hitting 30 and go home. If that's the tune he wants to sing, then you have to wonder what the next verse is.
The league took care of Kobe Bryant and the Lakers with the inexplicable Pau Gasol trade. Maybe Stern & Co can find a gift to send to Cleveland, or maybe the real deal is to let James career as a Cavalier play out before he becomes a Knick.
The choices all belong to Lebron James and they are now down to two.
Show up Friday night for 48 or go home. Wherever that turns out to be.
I opposed tearing down Yankee Stadium until I saw artist's drawings of the new Yankee Stadium. It makes the house Ruth built look somewhere a crack addict would live. Bigger seats, better views, more places to buy $4 soft drinks. The stuff our society is built on.
You get to thinking. Do we really need to preserve so much of our history? Gettysburg would look so much better with a dirt bike track around all those monuments. I think the guys who nearly froze to death and starved at Valley Forge would have no problem at all with a Taco Bell by the banks of the Delaware. Ford's Theater screams for a IMAX screen. Get that ship wreck moved out of Pearl Harbor and put some leaping dolphins and a whale or two in.
Bleep history.
So when the big dump in the Bronx comes down it ought to be a signal to the rest of sports. Time to think outside the box.
First we light up Wrigley Field. I know, traditionally we knock down historical structures, but the pyromaniac in us all would be so much more satisfied if we burned the sucker down. Think about it, how else are we going to get rid of that creepy ivy on the outfield walls? The stuff just grows back if you pull it up. Then we come back in with a dome and put all those rooftop guys out of business.
Fenway Park would be next to go. You can't get enough people in and the neighborhood is lousy with bars. The Cask & Flagon, The Lower Depths (indeed), Boston Beer Works, and the Baseball Tavern. There's a big vacant lot over at something called the Boston Commons you could rebuild on. The land is just sitting there, crying out for public parking. We can turn Fenway into the world's largest Citgo Station. There's already a sign up.
Lambeau Field is another dump needing replacement. Haven't these knuckleheads heard of indoor heat? Who wants to sit outside in five degree weather when we could easily move the whole enterprise over to Milwaukee and stick it in Miller Park. Then you just change the name of the team to the Milwaukee Frosty Cold Ones to honor the city's heritage.
The Coliseum in Los Angeles irks me. You've got this little backwater town that can't even get a NFL team in and they keep this fossil of a stadium seating 92,000. It's called the Memorial Coliseum, in memory of the veterans of WW1. Get real, WW1 is like so, 1918. Traffic is terrible in LA, so you'd have to build the stadium east of the city but still near the interstate. I checked the map and there's something called the San Bernadino National Forest out by I-15 that would work great for a smaller stadium.
Speaking of excess capacity, what about Beaver Stadium at Penn State, a.k.a. the Rodent Bowl? You can get 107,282 people there (enough to seat all the Penn State players parole officers). One word-downsize. You could build a retirement community on site. They say there is a real need up there. This one eighty-one year old fellow has had to keep working at the same job for 59 years because there just isn't any suitable housing nearby.
Notre Dame could use a new place, or maybe just update what they've got. They could start by taking those ugly diagonal lines out in the end zone. Kids want something that speaks to their college experience. How about at the opposite end zone from that other statue something where the leprechaun slides down into tank of beer every time the Irish score. You could get the Claussen kid to work out the details, and if the offense doesn't improve you won't have to worry about the wee fellow getting wet most weeks (the leprechaun, not Clausen).
Cameron Indoor Stadium at Duke. A waste. An absolute waste. You've got the makings o####reat sports venue. Screaming drunken kids just out of their minds, waiting lines for tickets, hundreds of thousands of people who discovered they were Duke fans when the team started winning. We could sell 30,000 tickets a night and build the "Crazy K's Thunder Palace".
And finally, this place. One word-bulldozer (or is that two)?
