Hey, Buddy, I hear you're pretty bummed about losing to the Chargers.
Was it at least one of those 38-35 gunfights where you went 25-32 with 380 yards, 4 TDs, and no interceptions?
No?
OK, here's what you're going to do.
You're going to spend some money on finding the best doctors in the world for Marvin Harrison and Dwight Clark. Then you're going to take off your helmet, hang your head in shame, and go tell them that without them in the lineup you're Trent Dilfer with a stronger arm.
But don't sweat it. Alot of great quarterbacks have lost two games in a row.
There's Ryan Leaf, Rusty Hilger, Scott Brunner, Dennis Shaw, and Bubby Brister. And they, well, never mind.
Sometimes you just have to look real hard for the silver lining. It was a record setting day, after all. You and your brother tied the league record for brother losses in a day (2), and interceptions (8). And look at the bright side. After seeing your game with the Chargers, Eli can feel alot better about himself.
There are ways of coping. Make yourself a cake. A football cake. Don't work too hard on it. You can leave the goal posts off. Adam Venatieri would probably rather you did. Sometimes when things look really bad it's good to remember that there are people who are having a worse day than you.
You've got to remember to keep your head up. Unless there's some 310 pound guy coming straight at you with a crazed look in his eyes. Then it's OK to look down. It's always best to find a soft place to land.
Watch this. It's easy. Bring the ball straight back to your ear. Transfer your weight smoothly. Step right through the......no, no, Cromartie is on the OTHER team. See, here's where you had problems, but we can fix it.
I'm sorry to say there's nothing we can do about the haircut.
Really? Since you were five? What, you think you're Johnny Unitas or something?
OK. I've gotta run. Party over at Tony Romo's. Kid has it together. Moves around a bit in the pocket. Smoked your kid brother's team.
Just remember this. $10 million a year. It can't buy happiness, but is sure can buy alot of everything else.
Nothing else is working. Teams playing the receivers tight, teams playing the receivers loose, teams wandering aimlessly around the field doing the chicken dance. It's all been tried and none of it is working.
It is time to face reality.
The Patriots could finish 16-0, run the tables in the playoffs, take control of the government and come for our women. Not that they would like us saying they are "our" women, but you know what I mean. Do you really want to live in a society where Tom Brady shows up at your door and says "I'll take the tall blond one over there". I know your wives and girlfriends might not object to that, but where does that leave us?
There is precedent. In 2006 Coach Bill Bilichick was sued by the husband of a New Jersey woman for taking his wife's affections. He is now reported to be dating a woman with three children whose marriage evaporated into thin air at his approach. Plus, and this is only conjecture on my part, the guy looks like a vampire.
Some might say I'm over reacting to the threat. I say they are wrong. In the 90's we learned from movies that "greed is good". This is 2007. Panic is the new greed.
So what do we do?
Back in the sixties the counterculture used to have bumper stickers that said "imagine world peace". Didn't happen, but at least they were trying something. And it doesn't mean it couldn't work in this case. Imagine...
Imagine the Patriots completely coming unglued after a humbling loss to the Colts and finishing 8-8.
Picture all the defensive coordinators in the NFL watching the game, hitting their foreheads with their palm and exclaiming "It's so simple, now we can shut them down."
Visualize Tom Brady being dumped by Gisele Bundchen. During a game using the sideline phone.
Imagine Brady curling into the fetal position and refusing to go into the game, replaced by Matt Cassell.
Form an image in your mind of a crazed ex husband charging across the field and beating Bilichick senseless with a giant foam finger, before feeding what was left to a group of the commander in cheat's ex-girlfriend's and their lawyers.
Together let's chant, hold hands, and picture a world where Randy Moss is 10 yards behind the nearest corner back and drops the ball. Over and over and over again.
In your mind's eye can't you see Mike Vrabel coming in with the short yardage team, tripping over Brady's foot in the exchange and pulling every muscle and ligament in his body simultaneously.
We can get together on this people. We can stop the Patriots. It's like John Lennon told us....
Imagine the Patriots losing
It's easy if you try
No teams below them
Above us the Jets fly high
Imagine all the Patriot haters
Living for Sunday...
Imagine there's no Belichick It isn't hard to do
Nothing to film or lie for
And no Tom Brady too
Imagine the Bills in the playoffs New England giving up 9 TD's...
You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the Patriots will be done
Imagine no Randy Moss
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or plunder
Or spy equipment in vans Imagine all the Miami Dolphins Healthy at one time...
You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the Colts win 53 to none.
Come on, people. We're letting Payton Manning off much too easy. One Saturday Night Live does not make this guy Chris Rock. Alot of people have invested alot of time hating him. Are we just going to let all that negativity, all those nasty blog entries go to waste? Because of ONE good night.
Get your heads out of your DVD's, line back up at that keyboard, and let's pound this guy. What's next? Love letters to Kobe Bryant? Are you going to watch Barry Bonds play with a syringe sticking out his back pocket and say, "Well, we don't know for sure, we're can't really tell if it's a syringe, Babe Ruth was on heroin most of his career." Yada, yada, yada. We're bloggers here, so let's try to act like it. Give me a break.
First off, Manning is overrated. Sure, he's had a few good commercials and the SNL gig was OK, but you have to consider his supporting cast.
When you see Manning on TV he's working in a system that was designed for him. Put those kids in the lineup and they'd make Aaron Brooks into the next Richard Pryor. Put Manning in a lineup with the kids from "Phil From the Future" and he wouldn't connect on 35% of his jokes. Plus, we haven't seen Manning work with animals, or animated characters, or super models. Oh yeah, super models.
Tom Brady has worked with super models. He dates one, Giesel Bunchen.
Brady used to date actress Bridget Moynahan, who is expecting his
child. Manning married his college sweetheart. Brady takes risks.
Manning goes with the safe call.
Then there were the passes he threw to the kids. Did you see anything over 10 yards? Did you see him air it out? Sure, he hit 75% of those kids, but in that spread offense you've got to nail at least one of the little suckers every down. Johnny Unitas would have shot a bullet to one of those kids on a deep corner and left them in a sling. Manning didn't even bruise their tiny little hands.
You probably laughed at Manning's joke about why Brady is like a three ring circus compared to Manning (two more rings). If you look at the film you'll see that he saw pressure from the SNL band, came up to the mike, and checked down to a safer joke than the one Tony Dungy had sent in.
From the cheap seats it looked to me like Manning phoned in the locker room sketch. Granted, he sustained the routine for over 4 minutes, but when it came time to punch it in Mr. Big Time Commercial Guy couldn't come up with the key punchline.
Here's the bottom line. Archie Manning never won an Emmy. Payton Manning has never won an Emmy. Eli Manning is probably never going to win an Emmy. But Tom Brady will probably sleep with someone who does. And that (along with two more rings) is why Payton Manning can't carry Tom Brady's cue cards.
Some things bother me, some things don't. Jeniffer Anniston's innermost feelings about Brad Pitt, whether Hilary is going to run, what book Oprah wants us to read. All things I can let slide by. On the other hand, the names of NFL teams bother me a great deal.
First off, I suspect that Payton Manning's mobility as a quarterback is limited by wearing a Colts uniform. You know he's seen the films of Unitas. I'm starting to see the early signs of that wobbly drop back thing going on already. I'd wager that somewhere in his locker is even a pair of black high top shoes. His inner Michael Vick is being supressed by that darned uniform.
The Colts should be in Baltimore. But wait, you say, what about the Ravens? Well, quote the raven, "nevermore". Edgar Allen Poe died after being found unconcious on a wooden plank outside a bar on Lombard Street in Baltimore. So, you name a football team after his writings? That would be like walling up Art Modell inside a wine cellar in honor of "The Cask of Amontillado".
Some Browns fans might like to see Modell bricked in. But this raises another question. Why in the name of Leroy Kelly aren't the Ravens the Baltimore Browns? The Baltimore Orioles were once the St. Louis Browns, so maybe the rule is that any team Baltimore steals must be called Browns and that name must be left in the original city. Thankfully, there are no New Orleans Browns in the NBA or they would be headed for the Chesapeake Bay faster than you can say Ray Naggin.
Then we have the strange case of the Rams. The Rams came to St. Louis to replace the Cardinals who left for Arizona, birds being migratory by nature. They kept the Rams name because presumably St. Louis is even now plagued by roaming herds of big horn sheep. Or perhaps they were just small sheep who once had lockers besides Mark McGwire and mysteriously bulked up.
There is no team in Los Angeles for reasons I'm not entirely clear about. Perhaps the NFL can't figure out what to call a team there since the Rams name has left town. I would like to suggest that an expansion franchise be called the Oilers, since someone forgot to pack that name when the team left to go to Tennessee and became the Titans. Why they are called Titans is a mystery, considering that Titan is only the 15th largest moon of Saturn. Maybe they didn't want to risk the possibility of the inevitable jokes that would have come with the name Tennessee Uranus.
Maybe LA should have a football franchise called the Lakers, the Los Angeles football Lakers, like the New York football Giants, who no longer have to be called the football Giants because the baseball Giants are now in San Francisco. Besides, the basketball Lakers shouldn't mind since the lakes referred to in their name are in Minnesota. Take notes, there will be a quiz.
For extra credit, please suggest new names for the Baltimore Ravens, Indianapolis Colts, Arizona Cardinals, St. Louis Rams, and Paris Hilton.
This year's playoff teams are alot like the big Kentucky Derby fields at Churchill Downs. There are a few picks that will get alot of attention, some solid entrees worth looking at, a couple of longshots, and alot of horses with no business in the race. After careful review of the NFL team stats, here's how I handicap the field of 14 (allowing for all teams still in contention for a playoff spot):
CLASS OF THE FIELD
Denver Broncos Conventional wisdom says the Colts, but in an environment that magnifies mistakes the Broncos don't make them. Key stat lines- +18 giveaway/takeaway margin, only 28 sacks and interceptions combined (tied with Indianapolis), and 17 pass plays of 40 or more yards.
Seatlle Seahawks Other than a lack of playoff experience it's hard to find a flaw in the Seahawks. Key stat line-28 rushing touchdowns. Cause for concern-only 17 field goals and a 70.8% average.
Indianapolis Colts Not a horse to bet on, despite being the early favorite. Hasn't been stretched out by competition. Key stat line-surprisingly only 13 plays from scrimmage longer than 20 yards. Gives up 300 yards per game on defense and a 66.8% pass completion percentage.
SOLID STARTERS
Pittsburgh Steelers Why not? Solid defense and field goal kicking can go far in the playoffs. I worry that they are too predictable on offense. Key stat lines-Runs the ball 58.8% of the time. Eighty-four yards per game rushing defense.
Cincinnati Bengals A ball hawking defense and potentially explosive offense. Gives up more yards and pass completions than I'd like to see, but the offensive line gives Palmer all kinds of time. Key stat line-31 interceptions. Reason to worry-61.4% pass completion percentage given up on defense. Can they get a Payton Manning off the field?
Carolina Panthers A one good receiver team in a league that demands two. I hesitate to place them this high, but their defense is this good and Jake Delhomme makes alot from a little. Key stat lines-Only 677 yards in penalties on offense, 23 passing TD's, and 12 receptions for 40 yards or more. Why worry? Only 3.2 yards a rush.
Overrated
New England Patriots Johnny Damon left town and so has the Pats mystique. Lots of weaknesses showing up all at once. Key stat- Minus 5 giveaway/takeaway. No team wins the Super Bowl with a negative in this category. More bad news-231.5 yards per game passing by their opponents. The Pats pass 57% of the time, which is a bad stat in the playoffs where most teams got there by putting strong pressure on the QB.
New York Giants Eli Manning will be a fine playoff quarterback, but not yet. Key stat-327.7 yards per game given up by the defense. The Giants won't get Manning on the field and with 17 interceptions a 4 interception day against a tough defense isn't out of the question.
Save Some Money For
Jacksonville Jaquars My insane long shot. Rock solid defense gets opponents off the field. Key stat line-65.6 average kickoff distance. It's an arcane stat, but when the playoffs come around field position is king. At no extra charge-Did you know the Jags only give up 31.9% of 3rd down conversions?
Dallas Cowboys Win one for the Tuna has a nice ring to it. A team with line play this bad shouldn't last past the first round (if they make the playoffs). But remember this key stat-The Cowboys ran 126 more plays from scrimmage than their opponents. A team with an uncanny knack for snatching victory from the jaws of defeat.
Sucker Bets
Kansas City Chiefs An offense that is hitting on all cylinders and a defense that couldn't drive a moped. The only stat you need to know-339.2 yards per game yielded on defense.
Washington Redskins With much respect due to Joe Gibbs, this isn't the Redskins year. Key stat lines- Gave up over 20 yards on 18 plays from scrimmage. Minus 4 giveaway/takeaway. Brunell will not give games away, but he also isn't who you want to see on the field down by more than a touchdown in the 3rd quarter.
Tampa Bay Bucaneers What do they do well? Not much. What do they do badly? Not much. Key stat line-Only 275.9 yards per game by opponents.
Chicago Bears An old fashioned Bears defense, and unfortunately an offense that recalls the glory days of Jack Concannon. Key stats-Opponents have run 38 more plays from scrimmage, 127 yards passing, 28 giveaways.
Summary-Look for the Broncos to take the Seahawks in the Super Bowl. Forget about the Colts, look out for the Jags, and keep an eye on the Steelers and Bengals. The rest are pretenders.
