(Interview with Grizz Lee Bear, spokesman for Bear Rights Council)
So, you've demanded the Chicago Bears drop the nickname Bears. Does the name represent a demeaning stereotype to you? An exaggerated potential for violence, the whole mauling thing?
No, quite the opposite. We are violent,and we do maul the Elmer Fudds of the world. I hope I don't put too fine a point on it, but we are the baddest dudes in the woods. The same can't be said of the "so-called" Chicago Bears.
Then it isn't the name itself, just the team using it?
Look, when #### Butkus wore the bear on his helmet you never heard a word from us. ####, he was like family. Raw meat wouldn't sit untouched in his cage, if you know what I'm saying. But today's team? I mean, for crying out loud, the coach is named "Lovie". Who is the offensive coordinator, Thurston Howell the Third?
And this is causing the bear community embarrasment?
The stuff I've taken off the Lions and Bengals this week at work. You wouldn't believe it. My kids have been taking shots at school all week from the Panthers. Little Christine, she got head butted by a Ram. Stuff that never used to happen. Some Dolphin, a dolphin, giggles in that little high pitched squeel at my youngest boy on the playground. He comes home, won't talk to his mother, crawls straight up into a hollow tree stump and says he isn't coming out until football season is over. It just breaks your heart. Breaks your heart.
Do you blame Rex Grossman?
Rex Grossman is no bear. Look, (choking up). Can we shut that off just a minute. (Deep breath). Look, when they brought down my dad, he, he had taken out two hunters. It took six shots from a high powered rifle. I, I'm sorry, this is really hard. And they tracked him fifteen miles back up a draw before they finished him off. That was a bear. Grossman, some Cowboy runs by and tags his shoulder and he's on the ground curled up in the fetal position. If that had been my old man you'd be finding little pieces of boots and spurs in trees for days afterward. And you want to call Rex Grossman a bear? I take exception to that, I really do.
His form did appear to be off last night.
Look, you ever see a bear knock a fish out of the water. It's a thing a beauty. Lock onto your primary, shift your weight smoothly during the transition, and follow through. I'm watching the game and I nearly jumped out of the den when I see Grossman's passes. I honestly thought it was a wounded duck. 'Here comes supper'. Then I see Henry running into the end zone. Disgusting, just disgusting.
More like Yogi the Bear?
Don't get me started on that. I grew up hearing all the pic-a-nic basket jokes. Where's Boo-Boo? I'll show you Boo-Boo pal, got your Boo-Boo right here. Knock your scrawny carcass all the way back to Jellystone Park. Just when we put that behind us, just when we think we're finally going to get some respect, here come 'Da Bears'.
Do you really expect the Bears to change their name?
Do we do it in the woods? Of course, I expect that. There's plenty of names for a team like that. The Chicago Gerbils. The Chicago Possum. The Chicago Squirrels. How about the Moose? The friggin, "wait until I strike a majestic pose for the camera, moose." See how they like being represented by Bernard Berrian. See how they feel waking up on Monday morning with the entire forest laughing.
Any last comments?
I believe in this country. I believe in the right to keep and arm bears. All we're asking for here is a little dignity, a little respect. You know, there's bears in New England. Alot more bears in Massachusetts than Patriots. We can live with the New England Bears. Just give us a team worthy of the name. Is that too much to ask?
This year's playoff teams are alot like the big Kentucky Derby fields at Churchill Downs. There are a few picks that will get alot of attention, some solid entrees worth looking at, a couple of longshots, and alot of horses with no business in the race. After careful review of the NFL team stats, here's how I handicap the field of 14 (allowing for all teams still in contention for a playoff spot):
CLASS OF THE FIELD
Denver Broncos Conventional wisdom says the Colts, but in an environment that magnifies mistakes the Broncos don't make them. Key stat lines- +18 giveaway/takeaway margin, only 28 sacks and interceptions combined (tied with Indianapolis), and 17 pass plays of 40 or more yards.
Seatlle Seahawks Other than a lack of playoff experience it's hard to find a flaw in the Seahawks. Key stat line-28 rushing touchdowns. Cause for concern-only 17 field goals and a 70.8% average.
Indianapolis Colts Not a horse to bet on, despite being the early favorite. Hasn't been stretched out by competition. Key stat line-surprisingly only 13 plays from scrimmage longer than 20 yards. Gives up 300 yards per game on defense and a 66.8% pass completion percentage.
SOLID STARTERS
Pittsburgh Steelers Why not? Solid defense and field goal kicking can go far in the playoffs. I worry that they are too predictable on offense. Key stat lines-Runs the ball 58.8% of the time. Eighty-four yards per game rushing defense.
Cincinnati Bengals A ball hawking defense and potentially explosive offense. Gives up more yards and pass completions than I'd like to see, but the offensive line gives Palmer all kinds of time. Key stat line-31 interceptions. Reason to worry-61.4% pass completion percentage given up on defense. Can they get a Payton Manning off the field?
Carolina Panthers A one good receiver team in a league that demands two. I hesitate to place them this high, but their defense is this good and Jake Delhomme makes alot from a little. Key stat lines-Only 677 yards in penalties on offense, 23 passing TD's, and 12 receptions for 40 yards or more. Why worry? Only 3.2 yards a rush.
Overrated
New England Patriots Johnny Damon left town and so has the Pats mystique. Lots of weaknesses showing up all at once. Key stat- Minus 5 giveaway/takeaway. No team wins the Super Bowl with a negative in this category. More bad news-231.5 yards per game passing by their opponents. The Pats pass 57% of the time, which is a bad stat in the playoffs where most teams got there by putting strong pressure on the QB.
New York Giants Eli Manning will be a fine playoff quarterback, but not yet. Key stat-327.7 yards per game given up by the defense. The Giants won't get Manning on the field and with 17 interceptions a 4 interception day against a tough defense isn't out of the question.
Save Some Money For
Jacksonville Jaquars My insane long shot. Rock solid defense gets opponents off the field. Key stat line-65.6 average kickoff distance. It's an arcane stat, but when the playoffs come around field position is king. At no extra charge-Did you know the Jags only give up 31.9% of 3rd down conversions?
Dallas Cowboys Win one for the Tuna has a nice ring to it. A team with line play this bad shouldn't last past the first round (if they make the playoffs). But remember this key stat-The Cowboys ran 126 more plays from scrimmage than their opponents. A team with an uncanny knack for snatching victory from the jaws of defeat.
Sucker Bets
Kansas City Chiefs An offense that is hitting on all cylinders and a defense that couldn't drive a moped. The only stat you need to know-339.2 yards per game yielded on defense.
Washington Redskins With much respect due to Joe Gibbs, this isn't the Redskins year. Key stat lines- Gave up over 20 yards on 18 plays from scrimmage. Minus 4 giveaway/takeaway. Brunell will not give games away, but he also isn't who you want to see on the field down by more than a touchdown in the 3rd quarter.
Tampa Bay Bucaneers What do they do well? Not much. What do they do badly? Not much. Key stat line-Only 275.9 yards per game by opponents.
Chicago Bears An old fashioned Bears defense, and unfortunately an offense that recalls the glory days of Jack Concannon. Key stats-Opponents have run 38 more plays from scrimmage, 127 yards passing, 28 giveaways.
Summary-Look for the Broncos to take the Seahawks in the Super Bowl. Forget about the Colts, look out for the Jags, and keep an eye on the Steelers and Bengals. The rest are pretenders.
