OK, now we have film of a space alien in Denver peering in to a guy's house. A guy with two teenage daughters. That's the claim made Monday at a press conference anyway.

I've seen the still photo that's been released. First, let me just go on record as saying while it does not appear to be Roger Clemens the circumstances leave open the possibility. Steroids do strange things to the shape of your head and one of the girls had expressed interest in becoming a country singer.

Second, we need to be afraid. Very afraid.

People have this image of the cute little alien in ET who just wants to phone home. Of highly evolved creatures who come to earth to tell us to save the world, put away the nukes, and set fire to our SUV's.

No, wait, that's Al Gore.

But what if the guys from Gribwack turn out to be old school baseball fans from another planet?

Oh, at first things would go well. They'd meet with the guys at the UN, high twos all around. "What? You have baseball on your planet? We have baseball on our planet! The Yankees are playing today and you can even throw out the, well, forget about that, but it will be fun and the crowd will love to see you guys in the pale gray flesh."

Then it happens. "Batting sixth for the Yankees, number 25, the designated hitter, Ja-son Gi-am-bi!".

(Ambassador Googlewark) Mr. President, we have baseball on our planet. It's order and balance provide the fundamental concepts behind our society. Who are we kidding, we invented this game. But I'm afraid I am not familiar with this 'designated hitter'? Is that some kind of pinch hitter?

(Commissioner Selig) Sort of, Ambassador but the designated hitter bats instead of the pitcher.

(Alien) Excuse me, but the holy traditions require the pitcher to bat ninth. If there is a hitter for the pitcher....

(Selig) But only in one league..

(Alien) Wait a minute. You violate the sanctity of the fundamental laws on which civilization is founded,, strip reason naked of all we deem pure and good, and then apply this so-called rule to only one of your leagues?

(President Bush) Pretty much, but they have great nachos. You want to stay away from the dip here, though.

(Alien) Silence. I was talking to the Supreme Ruler!"

(Bush) #### isn't here, out hunting quail in Nebraska....

(Alien) I mean the Lord High Commissioner. The keeper of the great game.

(Bush) You little fellas seem to take your baseball awfully serious.

(Alien) What about the records? Your records handed down to record man's progress from generation to generation. They are meaningless if your warriors play in leagues with different rules.

(Selig) Well, after the steroids we don't put much stock in the records.

(Alien) Drugs! You allow your warriors to cross into the exalted space under the influence of DRUGS!

(Selig) No, no. Now we have testing, you see each season you can randomly show up unannounced and require the player to urinate into a cup...

(Alien) Urinate into a cup! Unannounced searches of the warriors were outlawed bleams ago on our planet. Don't you people have a Constitution? Clearly this would be an unreasonable search without probable cause. We picked up signals from your planet that showed you had a highly developed criminal code. Something called 'Law & Order'.

(Bush) Ah, Angie Harmon...

(Alien) Yes, yes, Angie Harmon is fine, but on our planet S. Epatha Merkerson is worshipped as a goddess.

(Bush) You boys aren't from around here local, right?

(Alien) Selig, silence this clever man. The more he talks the more confused I become. Now, back to the law. Let's say the pitcher strikes an opposing player. If the pitcher does not bat, how can justice be rendered?

(Selig) Well, the other pitcher could throw at an opponent's hitter, but then we would have to suspend him.

(Alien) Why, in the name of the galaxies, why? Is it not justice itself to exact swift retribution? It is right, proper, and unchangable. Just as the strike zone runs from the armpits to the knee...

(Selig) Now, you're probably not going to like what I'm about to say...

(Alien) Oh, no, no, no. I knew we should never have come to this place. You people are animals. I would call in a full attack from our fleet of ships and turn this place to dust if it weren't for the presence in this city of one of the early temples. Let us leave this place now. I demand to be taken to Ebbetts Field.

(Selig) Yeah, about that....