(Fanfare) ESPN's 29th Annual Coverage of the NFL Draft.

(Chris Berman) Chris Berman here and it's time for us to go back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back......

(Off mike) Someone slap him he's stuck again.

(Mel Kiper Jr.) I'm on it. (Knocks Berman to the floor).

(Berman)....With draft expert Mel "the Kipper" Kiper Jr.

(Kiper Jr.) I really wish you wouldn't call me that. What is a kipper, anyway?

(Berman) It's a gutless, salted, fish.

(Todd McShay) Sounds about right to me, Chris.

(Berman) And we're joined by draft expert Todd Mc da knife McShay...

(Kiper Jr.) Somebody tell the Berminator Bobby Darin is dead and so's his career if he calls me a fish again..

(McShay) At least he's not hanging around Canton waiting for Mike Williams' Hall of Fame induction.

(Kiper, Jr.) I've been waiting for this, the voice of Swampscott High trying to tell ME, Mel Kiper, Jr. about talent.

(McShay) Two words Kiper, two words. Akili Smith.

(Kiper, Jr.) If you weren't on "Cold Pizza" you'd be delivering cold pizza loser.

(Berman) Let's go to the Cowboys War Room where Jerry Jones is with our Linda Cohn. Linda?

(Cohn) And if either of them has even SEEN a football game. Oh, sorry Chris, I'm here with Cowboys owner and GM Jerry Jones. Jerry, the Cowboys came so close last year. What are you looking to add during the draft to get to the Super Bowl?

(Jones, Jr.) Suzie, over the last year we've reestablished our core values as an organization. It's not about winning and losing, it's about trading up and down until someone recognizes my genius as a GM. It's really all about me, and if I want to trade two first round picks and the statue of Tom Landry to get the best Razorback available, then that's what I'll do. It's Jerry time, Michele, Jerry time.

(Berman) Enlightening comments from Jerry, Nathan Jones You Been Gone Too Long, Jones. Thanks, Colleen. Now, let's go to live video feed of the Miami Dolphins war room where Bill "United Parcel Service" Parcels is talking to his scouts.

(Parcels) Whatdoyou mean I'm funny?

(Scout) It's funny, you know, it's a great story. You're a funny guy.

(Parcels) You mean the way I talk, what?

(Jeff Ireland) You got it wrong, Bill.

(Parcels) Hold it Jeff. He's a big boy, he knows what he said, what did you say? Funny how?

(Scout) Just, you know, you're funny.

(Parcels) Help me understand this, cause maybe I'm a little messed up. I'm funny how? I'm funny like a clown? Do I amuse you? I make you laugh? I'm here to (bleep) amuse you?

(Scout) No, no, it's just, it's just.

(Parcels) See, I had you goin'. I had you goin'. You'd fold under pressure. Get this bum out of here. I'm drafting a tackle. Don't need no (bleepin') film to tell me to draft a (bleepin') tackle. (Sees cameras and begins waving a pistol. Suddenly the video feed goes black).

(Berman) WIll the Dolphins go for help on the O-line or at quarterback? Let's go to the Commish, Roger "Good Hands" Goodale with the announcement.

(Goodale) The Dolphins have traded the first pick in the 2008 NFL Draft to the Tennessee Titans for the rights to cornerback Adam Jones.

(Crowd gasps)

(Goodale) What, I can't have some fun? Seriously, Pac if you're listening, don't worry about being traded. Heck, don't worry about playing football. Ever. Anywhere. Cause that's just how "I" roll. Just kidding, with the first pick in the 2008 NFL draft the Dolphins take Jake Long, an offensive tackle from the University of Michigan.

(Berman) So the Dolphins take Jake the Snake, Jake the J-Man, the Jakinator, the Jakester, the Long and Winding Jake, the..

(Booth) Go to commercial...Mel, can you hit the reset on Chris?

(Berman) Jake and the Fatman, My Jakey Breaky Heart, Jakerooni....

(Kiper) It's not working, it's not working.

(Booth) The one BEHIND his ear. Not IN the ear, BEHIND the ear.

(McShay) Mel, maybe you could fill some time telling them why Ryan Leaf's attitude was just right for the NFL.

(Kiper) That's it, right here, right now, you'd better run.

(McShay) How fast would you say I'm running Kiper, as fast as J.J. Stokes?

(Berman) The Jake-O-Lantern, The Jake, The Jake, the Jake? Chaka Khan, Chaka Khan, Chaka Khan....

(Booth) Could somebody go get Dana or Suzie or Laura or whatever her name is up here?

(Berman) Ja...Ja...Ja...Jive Talkin......