The NBA announces it is banning the dunk at the request of the NBA Player's Association. "It's been done to death" said Miami Heat forward Shawn Marion. "How many different ways are there to make a layup? Unless they start awarding style points, why bother? Two points is two points. It's a matter of personal taste. Myself, I get much more excited watching Kirk Heinrich make a clean entry pass to the post."
Roger Clemens refused today to elaborate on a comment he made concerning Andy Petitte, the Yankee pitcher missing in Florida. "It means what it means. Tonight he sleeps with da fishes. Unless I'm misremembering my high school literature classes, this is what is referred to as a figure of speech. So I rented a boat and bought some cement blocks? So what?"
Saying he was "deeply touched" by the outpouring of tributes to his career, Brett Favre announced today he was reconsidering retiring from thinking about retiring. "Don't get me wrong. I'm still not going to play. But the day after I made my announcement I was already missing the thrill of seeing the Packers front office sweat. Now, I'm not saying I'm retiring from thinking about retiring, but I'm thinking about it. We'll let you know sometime in August what my final decision is."
South Carolina football coach Steve Spurrier revoked the scholarship of freshman quarterback Jack Armstrong after learning he scored 1473 on his SAT and was spending the summer working on Habitat for Humanity homes. "Obviously there were things about this kid we didn't know going in. I take full responsibility. Sometimes you take a chance that a kid can live down to our standards, and sometimes it just doesn't work out. When I found out he was an admitted philatelist I washed my hands of the boy."
Star Monotechnical Institute forward Mark Wilson celebrated his last home game at Marsupial Coliseum by asking cheerleader Amanda Smitherington for his engagement ring back. With millions of viewers on TV and a capacity crowd watching on the Jumbotron, Wilson fell to one knee and exclaimed "I'm free! Free!" as tears streamed down his face. Wilson made his decision after receiving a report from the NBA early entry scouting board that said he would likely be picked no higher than 18th overall, but was still capable of getting a much hotter girlfriend.
Wearing a Pirates cap and waving a "Terrible Towel", Hilary Clinton danced in the aisles with Perry the Penguin and fired Pittsburgh Penguin tee shirts into the crowd from an air gun during a game between the Penguins and Montreal Canadiens. "This has nothing to do with the upcoming Pennsylvania primary, said Clinton. I've always loved hockey, the Penguins, and their great shortstop Bing Crosby."
Tony Stewart sits in an Atlanta jail this weekend, charged with assaulting pit crew member Scooter Yarborough. Stewart flew into a blind rage after learning Yarborough had installed a left turn signal light on Stewart's car that flashed continuously through the Kobalt Tool Kit 500.
Saying it violated the "spirit if not the letter of the rule", the NFL today forced the New England Patriots to suspend construction of a 7/11 on the sidelines at Gillette Stadium, fearing that Coach Bill Belichick would use surveillance cameras behind the counter in an attempt to film other team's offensive and defensive signals. Belichick told reporters he was "personally offended" at suggestions he was trying to bend the rules and said the cameras were there only to keep Jarvis Green from receiving free drinks from the Slurpee machine.
And finally, saying "We've got our money, we've got our stadium, so _____ you", Minnesota Twins owner Carl Pohland today announced he had sold the team's entire major league roster. "I've got your future right here suckers" said Pohland, vowing to not field a team this year and instead turn a profit from guarantees the State of Minnesota made on minimum concession and parking revenues over the next 20 years. Polhland also announced the new stadium would host RV shows in the parking lot and that the stadium proper would play host to biker conventions and be leased to the federal government as temporary housing for dangerous offenders.
dudski; your a laugh riot as usual, so i hate to disapoint you, but your third one isnt as funny as it is true. did you here the fat lady sing, did yogi say brets career is over cause its over ,wait, just wait.
Last edited by blue@orange on March 7th at 2:26 PM.
