Memo to On-Air Staff:

The recent unfortunate remarks by Kelly Tilghman, suggesting the rest of the PGA take Tiger Woods out and "#### him in a back alley", point out the need for clear guidelines as to what unscripted remarks you may make. Remember, all unscripted remarks must now be submitted at least 24 hours in advance.

We thought you would be pleased to know Kelly is almost done with her suspension, and looking forward to returning. During her time off she has been helping us perfect a new device which will deliver a low voltage shock when any of a list of seventy-three potentially racially charged words begins to be formed by an announcer. When Kelly returns we ask that you not make loud noises near her or comment on her new hairstyle. (Thanks in advance!)

A few helpful pointers:

You may suggest the rest of the PGA players attack John Daly with a steak knife. Since his wife already has, it would not be inappropriate. Suggesting the rest of the field take him to an all you can eat buffet, leaving him there until he explodes or the restaurant declares bankruptcy, would be considered in poor taste.

In dealing with Tiger Woods greater sensitivity is required. You may suggest that he be taken by his competitors to a fondue restaurant where he might burn his tongue on hot cheese. Since no non-Caucasian has ever seen the inside of a fondue restaurant, no offense can be taken. However, Woods describes himself as "Cablinasian", so we are trying to clear this remark with a representative of that community. So far we have been unsuccessful in locating one.

Suggesting the field should have Fuzzy Zoeller attacked by waves of dwarfs with small, pointy sticks is not appropriate. We suggest you merely advocate Zoeller be attacked with pointy sticks, leaving all references to height and size out of your comments. It is then to the judgement of individual golfers to determine what sort of pointy stick to use.

Avoid suggesting Phil Mickelson be clubbed to death with a nine iron. Your credibility will be undermined, as even novice golfers understand the niblet should be used when beating Micklesons.

We would prefer you not suggest golfers allow Rorby Sabbatini die a slow and painful death by means of leaving his foot in his mouth. In this case, unlike that of Woods, it is entirely proper to suggest he be taken into a back alley and lynched.

Do not use the term "cute as a button" in describing Annika Sorenstam, even though she is. This term originally was used to describe the button quail, a soft and fluffy gray bird. Since cuteness is not a natural defense, it was quickly hunted to extinction. We do not want viewers to believe the rest of the LPGA field wants Sorenstam eliminated in this manner, despite widely reported rumors to that effect.

Excercise caution when reading biographical information prepared by Golf Channel interns. These young people sometimes become jealous of the on-air personnel and insert phony items into your folders. For clarification. Vijay Singh was never the lord high emperor of Fiji. In the early 1960's Arnold Palmer did not head the seven organized crime families east of the Mississippi. Finally, Charles Howell III is NOT the illegitimate son of Thurston Howell the III and a movie actress named Ginger Grant.

Being a member of the on-air team at The Golf Channel carries with it great responsibilities. You tell the stories of men and women most of the public hasn't heard of and could care less about. You bring the glory of the game of golf in to the homes of the 3,452 white guys with incomes over $500,000 annually who still believe a Buick is the coolest car on the road.

Don't let us down.