(Note: My first NGS assignment is the post previous to this one)

For the last three years I have prayed for some combination of Dallas, Phoenix, and Sacramento to be in the Western Conference Finals. In my perfect world, they would be playing in The Finals for all the marbles. The reason is simple - they're fun to watch, and the NBA desperately needs teams like them.

Finally, I've gotten my wish, and I'm allowing everyone on the bandwagon.

Game 1 was an exciting 121-118 thriller won by the amazing Suns. The unreported story in this series, if not the entire postseason has to be the incredible job done by coach Mike D'Antoni. He's starting a so-called "3" in Shawn Marion at power forward, and 6-8 Boris Diaw, listed very generously at 220 pounds, as basically a point center. The Lakers tried to take advantage inside with 7-footer Kwame Brown and 6-10 Lamar Odom, with some success. The Clippers tried to work them over in the same manner with Chris Kaman (7') and Elton Brand (6-11), yet the Suns are still standing.

Every series you, Joe/Jane Fan are told, "You can't win with a fast break team!", "The Suns are too small!", "Steve Nash can't play defense!", "The playoffs are different - the Suns are too soft!" - in short, every week we're told by the so-called purists and pundits that the Suns are a gimmick that will fail.

58 wins should have told us otherwise. Coming back from 3-1 on the Lakers, and winning two Game Sevens should tell the world that win or lose, this team is special.

And while all of those same purists (Poor Charlie Rosen of Foxsports.com is probably guzzling Pepto-Bismo by the quart) are scrambling to hail the Dallas defense as their new key to victory (with some justification), it's worth noting that the Spurs were lit up for 100+ points in every Dallas win.

These two teams play up-tempo basketball. As former NBA star and current analyst Eddie Johnson said about the Suns, "Some teams run part-time, some teams run a lot of time - the Suns run ALL the time... They are committed to running. I love how people talk about how you can slow down a running team. A running team can't be stopped from running, if you want to push the tempo, you can if you want to..." Keep that in mind.

These two teams are special because they have two things in common:

1. They can put four to five players on the floor that can score at all times: Dallas is starting four players who can score and they bring Jerry Stackhouse and Keith Van Horn off the bench. The Suns have five starters who can score (and that’s with Amare and Kurt Thomas hurt!), plus James Jones and Eddie House can light it up on a given night.

By contrast, most NBA teams have two or three players who can create a shot for themselves. At most. The other players would be lucky to break double figures in an empty gym. No wonder defense rules.

Or perhaps it isn't the D after all. Boris "3D" Diaw couldn't get any burn on a horrible Atlanta team, but he comes to Phoenix and wins Sixth Man of the Year. Don't give all the credit to Nash. The Phoenix system highlights what he does well, and D'Antoni allows Diaw to operate inside as well. Check that game-winner in Game 1. Textbook upfake, drop step turnaround jumper. I've seen Diaw channel Kevin McHale and Hakeem Olajuwon all year.

Raja Bell set a career high in scoring and led the NBA in 3 pointers. Are you telling me that the desert air helped his shooting eye? Tim Thomas spent the first eight seasons of his career as a human heart donor. Is it a salary drive that has turned him into a valuable asset? Or maybe someone has found out what he does well?

2. Dallas and Phoenix have coaches that trust players on the offensive end: I forget the number of times that I've seen Dirk, Jason Terry, Nash or Raja Bell pull up and nail a transition three, sometimes with no one under the basket. But what is really telling is the number of times I've seen them MISS a three and D'Antoni simply nods. Dallas coach Avery Johnson preaches defense, but allows offensive freedom. It’s hard to picture a Mike Fratello not blowing a blood vessel in the same situation.

And maybe that’s why he’s home while the Suns and Mavs are playing.

Watching these teams (and Sacramento a couple of years ago) makes me wonder, why can’t more teams emulate them? I love Steve Nash and his game, but I really doubt that he’s the only point guard who can play this style. Off the top of my head, Chris Paul, J-Kidd, and Sam Cassell could probably pull it off (although Kidd’s horrific excuse for a jumper would require some adjustments). And we are always told what great athletes the NBA possesses right?

Consider that the average team in the 1960s thru the mid 1970s hoisted over 100 shots a game. Today’s teams put up about 85 per game – and that is an increase over the last few years. Hence, we are either to believe that the slower, less athletic players of the 1960s are better players than today, more reckless than today's players, or we need to look for different causes. Maybe it’s the shorts?

My gut feeling is that today's micro-managing coaches are the problem. Ego and a overriding desire to keep games close in the fourth period cause coaches to dictate every possession. Think about that. How many times do you see a team that doesn't have the coach calling 80% of the plays? Running requires a different mindset. And just like a passing coach in football has to accept that some series will be a three and out, a NBA coach that runs all the time must accept that will be some wasted possessions. Based on what I’ve seen, that’s asking a bit much of a Jeff Van Gundy or Larry Brown.

Finally, peer pressure is real. The so-called purists will have you believe that if you aren’t playing physical defense, you aren’t seeing and playing real basketball. Last I checked, all of those ‘real’ basketball teams San Antonio, Houston, Memphis, New Jersey – all of them are home watching Dallas and Phoenix.

Common sense seems to dictate that teams will get better shots if they attack quickly before the defense sets up. (Think of a football team running a no-huddle in the middle of the game.) The Suns and the Mavs believe in that. The Mavs feature a more diverse offense, which makes sense since Avery Johnson has Stackhouse's post-up game, and Dirk's improved inside game to lean on when running ops aren't there.

Prepare yourself for the contrast between the Heat and Pistons, and Suns and Mavs. No matter who wins the West, fans will be entertained by the matchup. If we get the Suns and Heat, I’m banking on Shaq needing an oxygen tank by halftime of Game 1. The Mavs run only slightly less, and one can only dream of the sight of Ben Wallace having to chase Boris Diaw or Dirk 30 feet from the basket. If Detroit comes out of the East, imagine their 7-man rotation running a track meet for 48 minutes.

The NBA is back. Hop on the bandwagon before you get left.

Thumbs Down to ABC

David Stern and ABC did fans and the league a disservice by putting so many great games on cable - not a single Suns-Clippers game was on free TV. Even in LA, Game Seven was the only game that was on free TV. Cleveland and Washington couldn’t be found on ABC at all. We all know that Game 7 of the Mavs and Spurs should have been viewed by a nationwide audience.  

The NBA wants to regrow an auidence that has been lost in the post-Jordan era. When are they going to understand that the game had gotten so boring that people went elsewhere? And that the teams that they have featured are part of the problem?

No sane person expects a blackout of San Antonio - not while Eva Longoria is kicking it with Tony Parker. But to absolutely NOT show the Clippers and Wizards on free TV was a horrible business decision.

"From this day on, I would like to be known as the Big Aristotle. Because it was Aristotle who said, `Excellence is not a singular act, but a habit. You are what you repeatedly do."

--Shaquille O'Neal, 2000

He’s been dubbed The Big Aristotle, The Diesel, MDE (Most Dominant Ever), and Superman – often by himself. Whatever the moniker, Shaquille O’Neal has always been larger than life, with matching expectations. The 2006 season features high expectations in Miami where The Big Aristotle has set up shop. Anything less than a NBA Finals appearance would be viewed as a major disappointment. The acquisition of former All-Stars Antoine Walker and Gary Payton, the trade for Jason Williams, and of course, the return of Pat Riley to the sidelines as a coach was in the pursuit of a championship this season.

If Miami manages to survive Detroit and the Western Conference winner to hoist the O’Brien trophy, it an early validation for Dwayne Wade at the top of the NBA’s vanguard. It would be sweet vindication for veterans such as Gary Payton and Alonzo Mourning. Over a decade, they have paid their dues, but could not get past the Jordan Bulls, Duncan Spurs, or O’Neal-led Laker squads. For Antoine Walker and Jason Williams, they can point to the ring as proof that they could indeed successfully modulate their allegedly ego-driven games to the team concept. Pat Riley can point to the 05-06 Heat as his championship won without Magic, Kareem, and Showtime.

But for Shaq, it’s a bit simpler. Whether he knows it or will even admit it, it is about his legacy.

Shaq is still the most compelling single person in the playoffs. Steve Nash has back to back MVPs, and the Suns may yet rewrite how to win a championship, but they have time on their side and it’s doubtful that they can pull it off without Amare Stoudmire.

Dirk Nowitzki is an MVP-in-waiting, but again, his team’s future is bright, and coach Avery Johnson is at least as compelling. No, Shaq is the reason why Pat Riley was willing to risk his reputation and conduct such as risky experiment. Shaq continues to be the one player in the league that conventional rules and measures may not apply to – not just for referees, but players as well. Yet even Shaq is subject to Higher Powers as well. Father Time; a.k.a. The Big Equalizer.

The MDE has a wonderful gift in his arsenal unseen since Muhammad Ali was in his prime: He can get away with the most arrogant of pronouncements; really, can anyone see (by way of example) Kobe Bryant getting away with calling himself Most Dominant Ever? I don’t care if he dropped his 81 on the Jordan and the ‘96 Bulls, Kobe would get hammered. Either because he is such a genuinely likeable guy – or maybe because the media is physically afraid of him – after getting his first title in 2000, Shaq has always had a layer of protection that makes Teflon look like Velcro. I’m old enough to remember Wilt Chamberlain, and suffice to say that if The Big Dipper (yes, the whole “The Big [insert nickname]” handle business predates Shaq) had gone out in five to the ’04 Pistons, Wilt would have to had left the country for a while.

Which is a shame, since Shaq truly stopped being The Big Aristotle about four years ago, when he became The Big Coney Island Roller Coaster. His weight went from 325 to well…Shaq admitted to 360 in his last season with Los Angeles, rumors had it going as high as 380. In any case, it was obvious to even the occasional fan that O’Neal had lost a discernable level of his quickness and agility that marked his game from Day One.

What would Aristotle have said?

The year 2000 was not only the best season of Shaquille O’Neal’s career; it was one of the great individual seasons in NBA history; [insert stats]. The Lakers won their first title since 1988, and Shaq and Kobe Bryant were the toasts of the town. Championships followed the next two seasons, and the word dynasty was starting to be used. Except cracks were developing on and off the court starting in the 2002 playoffs.

The 2002 postseason featured Tony Parker and Mike Bibby undressing the Lakers with the pick and roll. Parker was a rookie with a shaky jumper and no cred with the refs. Bibby and Chris Webber nearly screen-rolled the Lakers out of the postseason as The Big Way Too Big unwillingness to consistently extend himself on defense became apparent. NBA coaches couldn’t ignore the obvious evidence, and pretty soon, making Shaq work on defense – not by trying to score on him, but by forcing him to switch and extend his defense beyond the post – became an NBA staple. 

In 2003, Shaq declined to get off-season toe surgery, saying “I got hurt on company time; I’ll get it fixed on company time.” What would have Aristotle have said? He wound up missing the first 14 games of the season. Worse, the relationship between he and Kobe Bryant, which was shaky on their best days, was irreparably damaged.  2004 feature Shaq’s public demands for money with the infamous “Pay me my [bleeping] money.” At Laker owner Jerry Buss during a preseason game. The Lakers looked ragged during the regular season, as did Shaq as he missed 15 games due to injuries and had a career low scoring average. In retrospect, are we surprised? You are what you consistently do.

In the aftermath of the disastrous 2004 Finals, where a heavily favored Laker team was soundly beaten by the Pistons and which featured a total meltdown between Shaq and Kobe Bryant, Shaq essentially orchestrated his exit from La-La land. It was obvious to Shaq that Jerry Buss wasn’t going to pay him 30 million a year in an extension. It was obvious to Jerry Buss that Shaq, who had missed an average of 15 games a year for the previous three seasons, wasn’t going to be worth 30 million at the age of 35 or 36. Laker fans should have had no problem with the idea of a trade, but rather the shoddy execution. GM Mitch Kupchak, who basically panicked and traded Shaq with two years left on his contract, and got the cap-killing contracts of Lamar Odom and Brian Grant.

A New Beginning – Same Shaq?

Last season, O’Neal returning to Florida seemed to have the same impact on him that getting kicked out of Boston had for Roger Clemens. Shaq showed up Miami as a hero, his Shaq-flon intact, helped in no small part by Kobe Bryant’s incredible penchant for self-inflicted PR wounds, turning himself into The Most Hated Man in Basketball.

The Big SlimFast showed up for training camp weighing 325 – at least 35 pounds lighter the season before (his explanation was classic Shaq-speak: “Phil (Jackson) always wanted me strong, so I lifted and came in big.” Of course, no one seriously challenged his statement.). The result was predictable – Shaq finished runner up to Steve Nash as MVP, and played in 73 games, his highest total in four years. The Heat made the conference finals, and came within a D-Wade injury of making the Finals and getting the last word on Jerry Buss and Kobe Bryant.

This season, Shaq got the coach he wanted in Pat Riley, and the supporting cast he wanted. In return, he played in just 59 games, and set career lows in points and rebounds, while setting a career high in fouls per minute. While a career-low 30 minutes a game, he committed an Eric Dampier-like 3.9 fouls per game (highest total since his rookie year). The Heat beat the Bulls in their first round match-up, but was exposed as a team a step slow in the backcourt against the mercurial guards of the Bulls, who seemingly penetrated at will and attacked Shaq with impunity. The second round featured a surprisingly easy win over the Nets, which brings us to the present. Can Shaq did deep and provide a sustained level of brilliance at the age of 34 that will bring home his fourth ring? Does he have the hunger?

You’re Shaquille O’Neal, 34. You are certainly the best center of your era. Alas, in 2006, that’s a bit like having the most fuel-efficient Hummer; it’s not saying a heck of a lot. Greatness can only be measured against greatness. Wilt and Russell had each other, and on nights when they were bored with each other, there was Nate Thurmond (who was probably the third best defensive center ever), Wayne The Wall Embry, Willis Reed and Walt Bellamy. Kareem had to contend Wilt, Walton, Lanier, Unseld, Artis Gilmore, and Moses Malone, to name a few.

By contrast a young Shaq faced off with David Robinson, and an old Patrick Ewing, and Hakeem (who schooled him regularly). A prime Shaq had Tim Duncan, who prefers to masquerade as a power forward, and who else? Rik Smits? Vlade Divac? Dale Davis? How ironic that the older Shaq now gets challenged by Yao and Ben Wallace. Perhaps he’ll finally get the foil we fans have been waiting for. I don’t blame Shaq for having the misfortune of playing in the Dark Ages of  the Low Post, but he can be held to account for not taking full advantage of his dominance. But will Shaq first post up Father Time? How can and how will he stave off time?

The year is 1993: Reebok features a commercial. Shaq knocks on an extra-dimensional door. Bill Russell sternly peers through the peephole:

Russell: “You’re late

Shaq: “But I’m ready.”

(Shaq steps through, awaiting him are Wilt, Kareem, Russell and Walton. The implication is clear…)

Echoes of Wilt

Shaq is frequently and understandably compared to Wilt Chamberlain. Wilt is the only center who could physically match up with Shaq in terms of strength and agility. And at 34, Wilt returned from a major knee injury to help get the Lakers into the 1970 Finals. He then played another three years, leading the league in rebounding every year. The 1972 Lakers won 33 in a row and the title. He plated 43 minutes a game his final season.

Bill Russell: His final season came at age 34.He averaged 19 rebounds, 5 assists, made All-Defensive First Team and won a title.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar: In 1982 he was only 34 and averaged 23.8ppg, 8.7 rebounds, 3 assists and nearly 3 blocks in 35 minutes a game. And he played another 7 seasons and won three titles after that.

The 34 year old Shaq played under 31 minutes, whined about the officiating this season, and in what should worry Miami fans, his backup center Alonzo Mourning has been the more consistent defender and a far better shot-blocker. 

By contrast, Shaq’s persistent complaints about the officiating, while sometimes justifiable, also remind me of a man who has not accepted that The Big Hourglass stops for no one. When quickness goes, brute force can not be your alternative, as the referees have made painfully clear. Much like many a great pitcher, Shaq will have to add more guile to compensate for diminished skills. Of course, it would help if Shaq starts conceding that the skills have diminished – if only to himself.

There is no doubting that Shaq is one of the five or six best centers ever. The question is does Shaq simply want to proclaim himself an MDE, or does he want to finish stating his case? Overall, the evidence is shaky. His conditioning over the years doesn’t indicate that he takes the regular season very seriously, and as most people of 30 will tell you, if you want to play, you have to pay.  Kareem, Wilt, Michael Jordan – the men at the pantheon Shaq envisions himself all paid that price.

Moreover, the window of opportunity is closing and O’Neal and the Heat. Besides Detroit, Cleveland, Washington, and New Jersey will all post stiff challenges to Miami in the near future. The recent rule changes and the success of the Mavericks and Suns over the last two years will inspire other teams to change to up-tempo offenses that will either require big men to run the court or seek the bench. Can and will Shaq adapt to the inevitable? That he is still respected, but no longer feared?

Besides a renewed off-season commitment, can Shaq adjust his game in the present?

Shaq, if legacies are not built after 30, they certainly acquire their substance. Consider the case of Kareem. Kareem’s career, featured six MVPs won before he was 31, yet how defined was he by the 1985 Finals? The Celtics won Game One in the infamous Memorial Day Massacre 148-115. Kareem was ripped by many as “old”, “uninspired”, and worse. The next day, he apologized to his teammates for his performance.

Ten days later, the 37-year old Abdul-Jabbar capped the historic six game vanquishing of the Celtics, with 29 points in the clincher at The Boston Garden and the Finals MVP. A 35 year old Wilt led the Lakers to the 69-13 mark in 1972 and the Lakers first NBA title in Los Angeles.

Shaq is clearly in decline, but history can be on his side. The Most Dominant Ever will have to morph into “The Big Transformation”.

For Miami’s sake, he has to. At this point, it’s all about his legacy.

When The Assignment came in, I was working on an article previewing the movie “Glory Road”, the much-anticipated dramatization of the Texas Western-Kentucky 1966 title game, and as is my dangerous habit, it got me to thinking…yes, about a Top 10 list.

I decided to include my extended Posse in deliberations, after all, a Top 10 list of sports movies seemed kind of played out. It is my strong sense of civic duty to you the readers, and the FOX judges, I must highlight the athletic thespians that have made seismic impacts on our collective funny bones. Failing that, they should have at least inflicted some significant damage on our GI tracts.

This special Top 10 salutes those actor-athletes (by the way, which term is more phony, student-athlete or actor-athlete?) that have impacted the big and/or small screen the most, for better or for worse. They have affected my life. In fact, tears are welling already…

Shall we begin?

1. Lawrence Taylor – LT had a nice turn in “Any Given Sunday”. But it was his classic timing in “The Waterboy” that will linger like an unwashed jockstrap. To set the scene, poor LT was caught on camera being arrested for attempting to buy some crack from an undercover officer (“They set me up like-a-Mutha…!”), just a week before “The Waterboy” opened in theaters.

So what is LTs sage counsel to a group of kids after they hear Bobby Bouche's mumblemouthed advice on football?

“Kids, stay away from crack.”

That was reason enough to see it in a theater.

2. Arnold Schwarzenegger – I was going to leave him off (for the steroid violations or out of gratitude for the "Terminator" flicks and "Eraser", I'm not sure), but I then remembered “Batman and Robin”.

It wasn’t bad enough that this movie went straight camp – without Adam West. It wasn’t enough that we had to endure #### Bat-nipples on the costumes. It was the ordeal of prolonged dialogue from the cool, cruel, Mr. Freeze.

Like my friend Linda Harris said after seeing it, “Arnold’s effectiveness drops in inverse proportion to the number of speaking lines he gets.”

A large number of Californian voters have come to agree with her.

3. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar – Obviously “Airplane!” is a slam dunk (or sky hook). His speech to Little Joey (by the way, did he ever see a grown man naked?) has resonated with sports fans like nothing since the Lou Gehrig speech. It’s the Gettysburg Address of Sports.

 “Look, I'm out there bustin' my butt EVERY NIGHT! You tell your dad to drag Lanier and Walton up and down the floor…”

But I digress. The deal closer is his fly tour de force in “Game of Death”, Bruce Lee’s last movie. The final confrontation has provided inspiration for thousands of video games ever since. Bruce ascends through this house, floor by floor, dropping some deadly Jeet Kune Do on ever-tougher opponents. He finally steps to Kareem on the top floor, chillin’ silently in an EZ-Lounge.

In a dashiki, shorts, shades, and an Afro and sideburns the size of a small planet.

(I’m serious about the Afro. If you look closely, you can see Calvin Murphy trapped in low orbit around his head.)

Bruce rolls up in all of his 5’4” cockiness in the trademark yellow sweat suit that Uma Thurman rocked in “Kill Bill, Vol. 1”. Kareem never got up. All I saw was a leg whip out. BLAM! Bruce goes flying. Gets up with a size 17 footprint in his chest.

Who cares that Bruce eventually takes him down (after getting bounced off the floor, ceiling, and a diaper dumpster)? Sort of puts Shaq to shame doesn’t it?

This reminds me:

4. Shaq – I am proud to say that I saw neither “Kazaam” nor “Steel” in the theater. If Shaq had done “Kazaam” 10 years earlier, I would accuse him of setting The Cause back 20 years. And I mean any cause – civil rights, #### rights, PETA, The Carrot Top Defamation League. Bad enough you’re a genie who mumbles. You came out of a boom box! In 1996 for crying out loud! Why not a MP3 player? A cell phone? A mini-disc? Shaq, are you going to blame that on Kobe too? Give me three wishes Shaq. Wish One: Make your damn free throws!

And Steel? A great comic character ruined by Shaq. John Henry Irons was a man of strength, integrity, and intelligence. Shaq turned him into an accident at Fred Sanford’s junk yard. I blame myself. We've seen Shaq dress in real life (the plaid jumpsuit was the worst moment, but not by much). Why was I surprised?

I'll watch “Birth Of A Nation: The Director’s Cut” before I check out another Shaq movie.

5. Fred Williamson – This nomination was provided by my dentist Dr. Kim Austin. And I must say a brilliant one. Like the Hall Of Fame, sometimes, you reward consistency over a long period of time. Fred gets the latter. Consistent, amusing, over a long period. Back in the 1960’s, Fred was known as “The Hammer” in his playing days with the Kansas City Chiefs. Think of Deion Sanders - without the coverage skills (but to give him his due, he did tackle). He parlayed a great mouth and mad marketing skills (I'm not mad at him) into an acting career that spanned four decades. I’m just not sure if I should put quotes around “Acting” or “Career”.  And believe me when I tell you - I’m patenting the rights to “The Six Degrees of Fred The Hammer”

Dr. Austin: “He thought he was fine, but the man couldn’t act.”

Yes, Fred fancied himself a sex symbol. During the "blaxplotation" era of the 1970's, he starred in “Black Caesar”, “Hell Up In Harlem”, and “Boss Charlie”, to name a few. Amazingly, he actually got more work in the decades since. Catch him in “From Dusk Till Dawn” if you want to see a man chew up scenes like David Wells and Gilbert Brown at a buffet table. Yeah, he's camp, but I like him.

6. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson – Everyone wants to peg “The Scorpion King”. Please. That was an Arnold in Conan-style cop-out. No dialogue. All he had to do was wiggle his CGI tail. Yawn.

Now in “Be Cool”, where he plays a #### bodyguard to Vince Vaughn, The Rock proves himself a force to be reckoned with. Red cowboy boots with a powder blue suit. The Eyebrow. And best of all, his rendition of “You Ain’t Woman Enough (To Take My Man)” You talk about a man being #### out of an Oscar, look no further. I’m serious dammit!

7. O.J. Simpson (Lifetime Un-Achievement) – “The Naked Gun” The impact is only in retrospect. The late SI-writer Ralph Wiley said of The Juice, “The man had the range and charisma of a crash test dummy – and in fact he played that in several movies.” Ouch.

You just know, that post-verdict,  people are watching his opening scene in the original “Naked Gun” where ole’ Nordberg is shot repeatedly, burned, staggers into a bear trap, then nearly drowned, just *praying* for an on-set accident to make it real.

8. Roddy Piper in “They Live” - So many lists show the predictable train wrecks like Hulk Hogan flicks. How is it that so many people missed this far better performance? For once, it wasn’t an action flick or a comedy. It was a John Carpenter sci-fi flick, where he stars as a down on his luck construction worker named John Nada. He finds a pair of sunglasses that literally changes his worldview. Subliminal messages and butt-ugly aliens that look like you and me. (Ok, maybe like you). Roddy flexes in a great street fight sequence featuring the best Suplex move outside of “Blade 2”. Do the aliens and their human lackeys have a chance?

Nada one. (OK, I had to say it.)

 9. Magic Johnson – I hate saying this about the brother. He's done so much good. But face it, epic entertainment disasters come to mind right now in this context.

Plan 9 From Outer Space.

Attack of the Killer Tomatoes.

The Arizona Cardinals.

The Magic Johnson Show.

One day, somebody will buy the rights of this show. That somebody should be Magic, because if he had any sense, he’d burn the masters, and drop a computer virus to prevent it being shown on the internet. I could go on, but why?

How bad was it? Let me share the words of my cyberspace colleague “Bams” Cooper, of Lansing, MI, who shared the following at a mixer, “How can you have a talk show and you can’t talk! How? His a— isn’t from Lansing anymore, he’s from Flint from now on!”

No word on whether Michael Moore will take him in.

10. Bernie Casey (Lifetime Achievement) – Bernie went from a fine career with the Rams to a long acting career, with some truly wonderful roles. Call him the Anti-Fred. While he was great as the head of the Tri-Lambda Frat in “Revenge Of The Nerds”, my personal favorite is from “I’m Gonna Git You Sucka”

Jim Brown is grilling Keenan Ivory Wayans (who was being mentored by Bernie’s character in how to be a Black Hero) without mercy,

Jim Brown: “Look at this chump! He’ll get us killed! What makes you think YOU can be a black hero?”

Keenan (Nervous but defiant): “Um…er…I USED TO PLAY FOOTBALL!”

(Jim and Bernie exchange looks and back down.)

There is nothing Honorable About These Mentions (But I’ll do it anyway): Muhammad Ali – The same caveats apply to Ali that apply to Magic. But face it -“The Muhammad Ali Story”, “Freedom Road”. Enough said.

Michael Jordan –We should have been tipped off by the fact that Spike Lee was willing to shoot 317 commercials with Mike, but never dropped him in a movie. Yet he used an untested Ray Allen as a co-star. Hmm. Mike, never again let a cartoon character carry the movie YOU are starring in.

Brian Bozworth – Clint Eastwood said it best; a man has got to know his limitations. Boz, you got to know that you can’t tackle Bo Jackson. You should also have known better than to star in “Stone Cold”. Far too descriptive of your emotional range.

Bubba Smith – He was a monument of patience unsurpassed by Job. You’d have to be to do seven movies with Steve Guttenberg. In light of that, I underrated his acting chops. (Thanks to my man Walt for pointing that out.)

And finally:

Marques Johnson – It was a small, but memorable role in “White Men Can’t Jump”. Marques plays “Raymond”, a playground baller who raises extra money for a pickup game by putting on a stocking – not a ski mask, a woman’s stocking - and attempting hold up a corner store. For some reason, perhaps due to being 6-7 (and about 50 pounds over his playing weight), he is recognized by the owner. Raymond ends up selling his gun (“Now who’s getting robbed?”) to the owner for the cash and promptly gets hustled out of all of it by Wesley Snipes and Woody Harrelson.

When Raymond the Rocket Scientist realizes he’s been had, hoodwinked, and bamboozled, he proclaims “I’m going back to my car, get my other gun. I’m shooting everybody!”, and promptly empties the playground.

Now Marques expects me to take him seriously as a color analyst after that?