The Jeopardy Answer Of The Day is... "Whoopy Dee Damn Do." - Derrick Coleman

The Question?

What is "Hey, Paris Hilton was released yesterday!"? DING!

--------------------------

Every damn June, I tune into the NBA Draft and get reminded how I'm making money the hard way.

I mean, people get PAID to draft J. J. Reddick 11th overall....what is that [insert profane gerund here] GM thinking about? There are few certainities, but here is one: There is some genius who will pass on a Josh Howard to take a Brian Cook. (Yeah, I'm still ticked about that one.) 
 
You get the idea. NBA drafting isn't rocket science. (Yes, I know something about rocket science - this ain't it.) Yet, almost every year, at least 2 or 3 GMs fall on their face. You could spend the next hour reading technical reasons - and NBA sabermetrics are still dicey. But in a nutshell?

No one uses their common sense. If GMs did, the (L)eastern Conference wouldn't get their heads handed to them every year by the West. Then again, the draft wouldn't be half as much fun.

Anyhow, here are some Drafting For Dummies tips for all of you:

• Upside is wonderful for dating a significant other. If she's 35, no kids, a tight body and can tie a cherry stem into a knot with her tongue - she has mad upside.

Alas, upside does NOT work very well with most NBA players. Look for at least five players to be drafted higher than they ought to be because of "upside". Expect one of them - if we're all lucky - to work out. (See DeSanger Diop, Rodney White, etc) If you hear "upside" attached to a player, odds are that he'll either be a 9th or 10th man 4 years from now, or he'll find some game with a different team.

• The NBA Draft makes men sound, uh, less "manly" than they ought to be. You'll hear Jay Bilas or Hubie Brown talk about a prospect being "long" and having a "great body", the same way Peter Graves asked little Robbie if he had ever seen a grown man naked in "Airplane!" All that's missing is some oiled male torsi... Put away your copy of "Roadhouse" and "Top Gun" - it just so happens that there are only so many ways to talk about the potential athleticism of a NBA prospect without having a Brokeback Moment.

But seriously, does Bilas watch gladiator movies? Heh heh heh...

• If you are a GM, and the opportunity presents itself to draft a center - if the center in question is not being compared to an All-Star - PASS. This especially applies to 1) Slow, white American-born college centers and, 2) centers with very difficult to pronounce names (such as Mouhamed Saer Sene). For a while, it seemed that any brother from The Motherland (that's African for the hip-imparied) over 6-10 was being drafted in case they turned into the next Dikembe or Hakeem.

We're still waiting. This year, it will be Spencer Hawes.

• Avoid drafting a player who played poorly against lesser players with better athleticism, especially guards who lived to shoot against zones (see Reddick, J.J., Drew, Bryce). It doesn't get much easier in the NBA ya know. The average player may be poor in the basics, but I'll bet my Tony Parker bachelor party tickets that he's an good "at-uh-lete", as we say in the South.
• By the way, a good GM should look for a guy who played well at the best conferences. (See Howard and Chris Paul.) Production does count you know.
• Avoid players who set the cruise control in college despite prodding. Tim Thomas is the poster boy here for living heart donors. He was a Poster Boy in college. Surprise! He's a pro Poster Boy too.
• And to think, Tim had such upside. He was long...and a "live" body...I wish I could quit him. 
• This one is real important: If a very good player fills a big need - take him. Simple. The Atlanta hawks needed a point guard. They passed on Deron Williams and Chris Paul, to take Marvin Williams. Marvin was such a stud that Atlanta is now looking at Al Horford who plays... the SAME POSITION!

Funny thing is, Atlanta is looking like the Detroit Lions. Every year the Lions passed on other needs to take a wideout. Finally, they HAD to take a wide receiver this year, because Calvin Johnson was too damned good to pass on, no matter what their other needs were.. Same thing will probably happen this year with the Hawks. And it will be the right move...and Mike Conley will haunt the Hawks for the next decade.

OK...now that you are primed on what to look for, here is WHO to look for. No fancy ratings, simple. Best case and worst case. Don't ya love it when I keep it simple?

The G-Report Player Ratings:

Greg Oden - Ohio State
Hope: That he is the next Bill Russell. Or at least Ben Wallace Squared - with some offense.
Fear: That his wrist has the karma of Grant Hill's ankle.

Kevin Durant - Texas
Hope: He's Kevin Garnett with handle.
Fear: He steps into an open manhole.

Mike Conley Jr. - Ohio State
Hope: He's Mo Cheeks and Mike Bibby, but much quicker.
Fear: He's Jamal Tinsley, but much quicker.

Spencer Hawes - Washington
Hope: He's Bill Laimbeer or Vlade Divac.
Fear: He's Big Country Reeves

Al Horford - Florida
Hope: He's Karl Malone.
Fear: He's Tito Horford.

Yi Jianlian
Hope: He is the next Bob McAdoo.
Fear: He's the next Tim Thomas.

Jeff Green - Georgetown
Hope: He's Scotty Pippen, with some low-post game.
Fear: He never learns to shoot.

Joakim Noah - Florida
Hope: Noah is a young Paul Silas.
Fear: Noah is Mark Madsen with a ponytail.

Corey Brewer - Florida
Hope: He's another Scotty Pippen.
Fear: He's a poor man's Larry Hughes. You expect so much more.

Brandan Wright - North Carolina
Hope: That three years from now, Wright looks like Shawn Marion.
Fear: Three years from now, his nickname is "Brenda".

Acie Law - Texas A&M
Hope: Law becomes another Chauncey Billups one day.
Fear: Law is a not-so-Speedy Claxton.

Nick Young
Hope: Nick shoots it like Peja Stojakovic.
Fear: Remember John Salmons?

Julian Wright
Hope: He's a bigger, better Boris Diaw.
Fear: He forgets that taking over a game is not illegal.

Morris Almond - Rice U.
Hope: He is the next Ricky Pierce (It's a Rice thing.), or better, Michael Redd.
Fear: He's the next Steve Kerr.

Jared "From Subway" Dudley - Boston College
Hope: He develops into a poor man's Shane Battier.
Fear: The real Shane Battier isn't making anyone's All-Star team.

Nick Fazekas - Nevada
Hope: He's been likened to Keith Van Horn with a better inside game.
Fear: Anybody likened to Keith Van Horn isn't hitting on much.

Glen "Big Baby" Davis - LSU
Hope: He's a taller Charles Barkley who keep his weight down and his game up.
Fear:  Either he'll 1) Eat a teammate. or 2) He'll single-handedly cause the NBA to add food to their substance abuse list. 

Jarvis Crittenton - G-Tech
Hope: He can play the point like Reggie Theus
Fear: He plays the point like Earl Watson.

Welcome back to the latest installment of the G-Report. A great Game 5 by an incredibly resilient Suns team, and the unexpected elimination of the Nets are causing more fluctuations than expected. The Mavs have the Spurs on the brink of elimination, and Mark Cuban is ready to breakdance. Remember my grading scale, 50 represents an average flow for the owner of the score. Latest score is the first one…

Miami

• Pat Riley (75, up from 65, Hold) –  This will be the most volatile stock on the G-Index. I mean Riles is still The Man Who Shanked Stan. In the first round the Heat looked slow and unable to defend in the backcourt. After a Game 1 beatdown by the Nets, the supporting cast of Miami stepped up. If Walker and Payton can deliver in the post-season, maybe Riley looks good with his moves. Maybe.
• Shaq (80/80, Buy alternating games, Sell the rest of the time) Capable of the 30 and 20 in clincher of Bulls series. Also too slow to stay out of foul trouble on a regular basis. Quick elimination of Nets gives The Big Baby Huey major rest.
• Antoine Walker (50/40/Buy) – Twon played two strong games in a row. Now can he match up against Rasheed and Tashawn over a seven game series? I doubt it. Yet make no mistake - if he can shot 45% and average 17-20 a game, the Heat may actually get to the Finals.
• Gary Payton (35/25, Sell) – GP is 37. Jason Kidd isn’t as quick as he once was, so I’m not sure if that was a fair test for The Isotoner. Rip Hamilton and Chauncey Billups? Now we’re talking…
• Alonzo Mourning (85/75, Buy!) – Despite getting posterized by Vince Carter, Zo is the defensive intimidator that Miami will need to win. Imagine. A guy with one kidney and on a 25 minute per night limit is a better post defender than Shaq. Shame on you Shaq.

Dallas Mavs

• Avery Johnson (100/90/BUY!) – My vote for Coach O’Da Year went to Mike D’Antoni. But I understand why Avery got the award. Moving Devin Harris into the lineup was genius. Mavs have too many offensive threats for Spurs to lock down, and they are closing games STRONG.
• Devin Harris (60/35/BUY) – People forget that this guy was a lottery pick, an outstanding player who was supposed to ultimately replace Steve Nash in Dallas. He’s finally stepped up on a national stage. You thought Tony Parker was the only hyper-quick guard in this series? Recognize…
•     
• Jerry Stackhouse (80/70/HOLD) – Even if he doesn’t score 20, he makes Coach Pop sweat who to assign  to Bruce Bowen. Manu Ginobili can’t guard Stack if Stack decides to get to the hole consistently.
• Eric Dampier (65/45/Buy) – He gets boards and puts a body on people. Eric D. may not be Shaq, but he’s no Shawn Bradley. Give the man props for playing tough defense at the end of Game 4 and forcing the miss from Duncan to get the game to OT.
• Dirk Diggler Nowikski (100/90/Buy) – Playing on a bad ankle, balling tough at crunch time, and going to the paint when needed. One more win, and those smart-alecks who are quick to hang the "soft” label can get gone and stay gone.

San Antonio

• Tony Parker (90/85/Buy) – T.P. is playing great offensive ball, but was he ready for Devin Harris? Uh, no. No shame dude. We weren't either.
• Manu Ginobili (70/80/Hold) – Manu, you can’t be on the bench at crunch time. Here’s an idea: If you are in deep foul trouble, concede the layup! Bounced back nicely in Game 5.
• Tim Duncan (110/100/Do you have to ask?) Spurs have wasted some great games in this series from Tim. Not handling officiating calls at the game very well. Can we blame him? Game 5 Update: Hit his first 12 shots. Responded like a champ. 
• Coach Pop (90/100/Buy) - The Spurs have been outgutted in consecutive games. They have not found an answer for Devin Harris. No one in their right mind will bury this team. I have to see a stake in the heart, in broad daylight, and a decapitation before I concede the demise of the champs. Yet in the Popavich Era, the Spurs have gone 1-7 in elimination games.
• NBA Refs (20/25/Sell) - I don't think they have it in for The Defending Champions. But the calls late have been a shade past awful.

New Jersey Nets

• Jason Kidd (85/85/Buy) – Still a fine point guard. But how he was selected to the first team all-NBA Defensive Team is beyond me.
• Microfracture Surgery (-10/0/SELL! GIVE IT AWAY!) Look at the evidence: Jason Kidd can't slow down D-Wade. Anthony Johnson hung 40 on him in Game 6 of the previous series. Amare misses most of the year for the Suns. Chris Webber can't defend ME anymore - and I'm 5'9" and can't go left. If I'm a pro athlete, if it comes down to microfracture surgery or amputation, I'm flipping a coin.
• Nenad Kristic (65/80/Hold) – Great first series, was not consistent against the Heat. Four turnovers, two boards in Game 5. I thought he was ready to break out against The Heat. My bad.
• Vince Carter (90/85/Buy!) – All too often forgot to take it to the hole against Miami. After wrecking the Heat in the regular season, got taken out of the game far too much in the postseason. has the physical gifts to be a lockdown defender, but isn't a good one. Work on it VC…
• Richard Jefferson (80/85/Hold) - RJ was not a factor when not in the open floor. Rich, by definition, you aren't complete as a player until you do.
•        
• Lawrence Frank (70/80/Sell) – Sorry, but Lawrence, explain to me why Vince or Richard Jefferson wasn’t guarding D-Wade? Instead it's a gimpy Jason Kidd? What in the heck was Frank thinking about? Not enough pick and roll on Shaq either. The old master, Pat Riley schooled the kid.

Raja gets the ‘bow, and now he gets a game off to recover. He deserved the suspension.

Kobe deserved the clothesline.

Sorry Lakers fans (and I count myself as one of them), I’m being objective. Kobe can now officially add Raja Bell to his Rogues Gallery. In fact,  The Ocho’s nickname among his peers is probably “He Hate Me”. Raja Bell, Shaq, Ray Allen… Why else did Kobe get up with a sheepish grin on his face, besides the fact that he knew that Bell’s road rage would likely cost his team his services in a must-win Game 6? Because Kobe knew that he had gotten away with some marginal shots of his own.

I saw the two elbows. The first elbow looked incidental, Bell’s flop notwithstanding. The second one was clearly a cheap shot that reminded me of a Bill Laimbeer “Ooops - was that your head I hit with this elbow?” classic.

Even better was David Stern's comment when delivering the suspension, "It was a unmanly act." Did I miss the cross-dressing somewhere? I can tell that His Majesty has played a lot of ball...

The trouble of course is that too many refs are unable to use odd numbers. Refs almost never catch the 1^st or 3^rd punches, they catch the 2^nd and 4^th . Bell has been in the league long enough to know better. Do not shed too many tears for Raja, the man clearly "Jerry!" contestant-level stupidity. His Artest-ian moment of thoughtlessness has his already undermanned team in a deeper hole.

Idea: What the NBA could do in playoffs is allow a replay ref to look at those shots that escape the first view, and assess a technical at the half or dead balls for any flagrant fouls. That way, the sneaky guys get their just desserts. The refs clearly allowed too much to go on for too long, while calling cheap fouls on Kwame Brown.

Having said all that, I had the Suns in 6, clearly that will not happen. (I'm going to go out on a long thin limb and take the Suns in 7.) And Kobe is the reason. In the last regular season game with Phoenix, "Kobi" (note the “I”) was determined to show up Raja at every turn, and while he hung 43 on him, the Suns won rather handily. Clearly KobE got the message. A considerably more team-oriented Bryant gives the Lakers the opportunity to use their superior size advantage. Brown and Lamar Odom are looking like Karl Malone and Wes Unseld against the midgets that comprise what passes for the front line of the Suns. 

Heck, even the shy Luke Walton and soft Brian Grant have been spotted taking the ball to the rack for the first time since college. Kobe deserves credit for finally “getting it”.

But he doesn’t deserve the MVP.

My vote was for LeBron James based on his all-around brilliance in raising the level of his game - and his team’s - despite the loss of Larry Hughes for 60% of the season, and the Z-Man for the last month. 31 points, 6 boards and 6 assists – only The Big O and Jerry West have played in this rare air. He’#### big shots when needed all season. He got my vote over my runner up Steve Nash. Yes, Kobe got 3^rd on my ballot. As incredible as his season and scoring has been, Nash played without an effective traditional big man (although Shawn Marion has been a stud, with career numbers). Amare out all year, Kurt Thomas sideline for 30+ games, and Brian Grant basically done. Yet the Suns got a Number Two seed. It impressed me more than the Lakers performance overall.

Speaking of LeBron and the Cavs, shame on the NBA for not showing more of the Wizards and Cavs nationally. This is a great series, even better than I had thought and I had the Wiz taking this in 7. No back down here from me. Look for the Other Guys to decide this series. Antwan Jamison and Caron Butler will provide a bit more than Larry Hughes and Drew Gooden. This series features two evenly matched teams on the rise. No tired cynical veterans, just energy and the Next Generation led by James and the Wizards' Gilbert Arenas. I'm enjoying every moment.

In my other bad call, I had the Bulls going down in 6 to the Heat. While the Heat is in position to close this out, it’s pretty clear to me that the only reason why the Bulls trail is…well, they believe that the Heat are better. They aren’t. I’m not another team in the East is as fast in the backcourt as Chicago with Kurt Hinrich and Ben Gordon, but it is clear that the Heat have been exposed as an old, slow bunch. In the words of analyst Mark Jackson, Gary Payton has gone from The Glove to The Isotoner. Pretty, but not very functional. Being 37 will do that. Jason Williams and Antoine Walker have never been known for defense, and Shaq is only a spot defender, as 340 lbs and an indifference to conditioning have taken its toll. Yet as long as Alonzo Mourning is reasonably healthy, you have a true back line of defense for the quicker Bulls to deal with. Miami needs to close this team out before the Bulls realize that they are the harder working and more deserving team. And is this the coming out jam for Andres Nocioni or what?

Final Notes: I had the Spurs in 6 against the Kings, but I think this goes 7, which should excite their West rivals. Anything that wears down Tim Duncan and Crew is a good thing. Ron-Ron Artest has delivered and Bonzi Wells has been incredible. Remember that the Kings had no problems playing the Spurs WITHOUT Artest in Game 2.

Congrats to the Pistons and Mavs for taking care of business. Rip Hamilton dropped 40 in the clincher. I'm totally feeling it. As for the Nets and Pacers, the Nets should have dumped this team in five games. It should give us pause. However, we may be witnessing the coming out party of a young force in Nenad Kristic. This team needs an enforcer at the 4, but can you handle a three-headed monster of Kidd, Vinsanity, and Jefferson with a low post option? Good luck. I think the Heat won’t get past this crew.

Random Thought: I was really hoping to see the Nets and Wizards play against each other in their throwback gear. Sue me. It looks good.