Hey, if chicks dig the long ball, then call me a Man-chick.

I dig the long ball.

I REALLY dig the long ball.

Yes, pitch selection and OBP is important. Speed kills. But in baseball, the power IS the glory. Forever and ever amen.

If it's not a 100MPH heater getting blown by an Ichiro or Ryan Howard, then it's Howard turning on said heater and terminating it with extreme prejudice. During the flight of said projectile, I know what a woman feels like while having a Death By Chocolate dessert - on my tab. 

(Pardon me while I regain my composure.)

Last night, I could overlook the absence of Barry Bonds while understanding just how good he is. Last night, you had Howard, Prince Fielder, and Justin Morenau - three lefty bombers capable of sinking a few kayaks in McCovey Cove. And they combined for zero, nada, zippo..nary a single Splash Shot. And that's with a friendly serving up meatballs.

His Barryness has 34 in actual game competition. There have been 58 total.

Barry has 34 of them,

You can't write all that off to HGH homeboys.

(And Barry, you should have taken some swings. With the crowd going nuts, Bud Selig would have had to have shown up for 755 and 756. The coward.)

...and why was not Ken Griffey Jr. invited?

Meanwhile, Vlad Guerrero did what he does with a swing that can stir the breeze on your High-Def screen. And Phat Albert Pujols launching bomb after bomb into the deep LF stands, once coming close to dropping a shot into the giant glove (and yes, it is made out of leather) about 500 feet from home plate.

And the Rockies Matt Holiday turned SBC into his personal Coors Field in Round 2 - Park effects you ask? Say it with a Jim Mora pitch - "PARK EFFECTS!?" It was sweet.

And mad props to Big Papi's showmanship by loaning Vlad The Impaler (of Baseballs) his special bat in a special case (no, not a violin case, that would have been perfect though). Only thing missing was Papi telling Vlad "This was your father's lightsaber..."

Sound and Fury are optional for Alex Rios. He was jacking 'em with a swing as effortless as Vlad's was violent. Yeah, I'm envious. I swing that smooth, and it's a groundout to short. Rios seemingly just went swish...and 470 feet later...

And overseeing it all was The Man. Stretch McCovey himself taking it all in, turning an ordinary plastic chair into a well-earned throne just by his immense presence. 

Yeah dammit, I dig the Long Ball.

See you next year - in left field with my glove. Don't get in my way.

Quote of the Week: At dinner Sunday night, I mentioned that final episode of "The Sopranos" killed the Spurs and Cavs last week in the TV ratings "war".

A dinner companion said, "They needed to kill SOMETHING!"

All Hail The King.

Not you LeBron.

I'm talking the San Antonio Spurs... The Spurs have moved into dynasty status with their sweep of the Cavs.

But I am SO not feeling the capital "D" dynasty.

Why? Shouldn't a dynasty team go at least back-to-back once? 

Don't blame them for being "boring" - that's a function of horrible Finals matchups as anything else. The 99 Knicks? Strike year. Ewing was hurt (which might have helped the Knicks that year), and the Knicks were outgunned. The '03 Nets? Offensively challenged, and I'll be nice and leave it there. The '05 Pistons were the most worthy competitor, but played as bland a band of basketball as the Spurs.

And you can read this entry to see what I thought of the Cavs, a team that made the '03 Nets look like the second coming of the Showtime Lakers.

It is not the Spurs fault that their stiffest competiton came within their conference, and they took care of business when they could. They have been the most consistent team of the decade, a tribute to their front office, coaching, and players. But their "dominance" hasn't been the type that inspires awe. The Lakers' pulled off a Thee-peat on Duncan's watch, as Kriegle misses that point.

Great organization.

Not a great dynasty.

But I'll be damned if I bet against them right now.

----------------------------------------------

Bud Selig just doesn't get it.

As any happily married couple will tell you, it never hurts to same "I'm sorry".

"We should have apologized back then and made sure we had a rule in place and gone forward ... Steroids and all that was a part of history. But it was a topic that everybody wanted to avoid. Nobody wanted to talk about it." -Jason Giambi

Speaking truth to power can get you in trouble. Speaking truth to no one in particular can get you suspended in MLB. Jason nailed it, and his reward?

Speak to George Mitchell - or get suspended.

If I was Jason, I'd tell Bud to stick it. The man shows a conscience, and THIS is what he gets? Barry Bonds looks smarter every day.

...and no one heard that sucker crash on Tony Parker's head, who could say it made a sound?

OK, Eva Longoria would.

(And that's the last time I'm bringing her fine behind  - or face - up in this conversation.)

The only drama left in this finals is whether LeBron finds his inner Kobe and goes 1 on 5 against the Spurs. The only way Cleveland can win even one game is if LBJ goes for at least 40. Forget this "Make your teammates better" ####.

Who is it easier to make better anyhow: Manu Ginobilli or Drew Gooden?

The Cavs scored 33 and 35 points in the first half of the first two games. I'm willing to bet a Happy Meal that the Browns - yes, the Browns with Brady Quinn - will score 30 points in a half this year.

The real remaining pressure is on David Stern. This has not been a good year for the comish, who could not have mishandled the New Ball Fiasco any worse than Phil Leotardo handled his meeting with Tony Soprano.

(And there is your obligatory Sopranos mention.)

Back to The David: The NBF was bad - the NBA playoffs were worse:

• First, a 67-win Dallas Mavs team folded like wet origami to the one team that matched up with them (and don't kid yourselves - the Spurs had few answers for Dallas - Coach Pop should do the class thing and send fruit baskets and mixtapes to Oakland in gratitude).
• Second, a Robert Horry cheapshot handed the Spurs the NBA crown, then David Stern's performance on live radio showed him to be arrogant and oblivious - at best  - to fan concerns. To top it off, he now alleges no owner wants to change the rule.(Show of hands, who REALLY believes that? Where is Mark Cuban when you need him?)
• Third, because of the above, we got a painfully boring Spurs-Jazz conference final.
• Fourth, the NBA Draft lotto totally bombed, as the three worst teams in the league were locked out of the three top picks. With the two best college players in long time going to the Pacific Northwest, the Eastern Conference pretty much ensured themselves a few more years of June beatdowns.
• Fifth - For the fourth time this decade, the Finals isn't an anti-climax - it is freakin' irrelevant. 2001-03, the Lakers and Spurs dispatched the Nets and Sixers, surprising absolutely no one. At least the Sixers had AI's Game 1 to hang their hats on. 2004 featured a Pistons upset, but not a watchable series, and the following year was even more boring. Now in '07, the common perception is that NBA champ was decided in the conference semifinals. And they are right.

Let's face it, the NBA Finals isn't the Super Bowl. As Tim Keown points out, it isn't even the BCS Championship game, and you know you're in trouble when the BCS gives the world a better product.

What are you to do Mr. Stern?

For starters, here are a few ideas:

• Re-weigh the lottery so that the worst team has at least a 40% chance instead of 25%. Make sure that the worst team can finish no worst than 3rd in the lottery. If a Portland gets lucky - fine. But we shouldn't have THREE Portland's getting over on the system.
• Forget this re-seeding the playoffs that always comes up, that just kills the whole concept of having a conference. I'd go one further:

Move San Antonio to the Eastern Conference. Or Dallas perhaps? Swap the Bucks and Hornets for good measure. Look, if the Baltimore Colts could spend 20 years in the NFL Western Division, and the Atlanta Falcons could spend 30 years in the NFC West, why not put a Texas team back in the Eastern Conference? Think the Rockets or Mavs wouldn't be a huge threat in the East?

• Mr. Stern, the next time you hear someone call you the "Greatest Comissioner In Sports", RUN LIKE HELL. Far away. I can make a case that you've read too many of your press clippings, because...
• ...it's about the game sir. Once you get past the bling, the slick marketing, it always comes back to the game. You waited too long to get rid of all of the excessive physicality. Too many 86-77 games killed your committed fan base. But the game is cleaner now. Now widen the court and lengthen it. Go from 94x50 to 100x55. Half-court sets in the NBA remind me of pickup games at the Y, when we play 5 on 5 half court. Crowded.
• Take some of those games back from ABC. Last year, some of the best and/or most exciting basketball (Cavs-Wizards and Suns-Clips come to mind) was never watched because it was on cable. And it was on LATE. Same with these Finals. You don't need a MJ or Bird to sell the Finals. But you do need to sell the league. And you can't do it all on cable. What's next - Pay Per View?
• When you do get some of those games on free TV, give them to Fox or NBC if ABC won't promote them properly. And when you do, make sure you get Kenny Smith, Sir Charles and Ernie Johnson to provide analysis. They are the most fun since Cosell and Meredith had their A-game. They are an asset to the league.
• Get rid of the best of 7 first rounds. Go back to best of 5, and end the silly layoffs. You're doing it for ratings, and the ratings suck anyway because the games have no interest. And it would be nice to see the season end before the fourth of July. Besides, a shorter season means more time to rest for the players. That means they'll be healthier for the following season.

Time to do the counter-inutitive. Like, right now.

Good luck Mr. Stern. Try to stay awake.