Perusing the news on the NFL coaching firings (which felt a bit like a coaching obituary) gave me flashbacks to the climatic scene in “The Godfather” where Michael Corleone decides to handle his business and liquidate the competition.

Oh come on, dig if you will the picture... of Paul Tagliabue and the owners of the Texans, Vikings, Rams, Chiefs, Raiders, etc at a christening ceremony while Tice, Capers, Sherman, et al get whacked.

“Al Davis, do you renounce Satan?”

(Tice gets Donald Trump-ed on a cruise boat, Super Bowl tickets falling from his hand…)

(Mike Sherman on a rubbing table, redeeming a spa coupon from his friend Brett Favre – BLAM! In the eye!)

“I do.”

(Norv Turner gets it between some revolving doors, while Al Davis smiles grimly from across the street)

(Jim Haslett is ambushed in San Antonio, wandering lost as he forgot for the 923^rd time that he wasn’t in 'Nawlins anymore.)

(Dom Capers gets it while getting a parking ticket from a uniformed cop who looks a lot like Charlie Casserly…)

The only thing missing from this sequence is much-beloved (heh heh heh) Brian Billick as the treacherous Carlo Rizzi. Imagine…

Ozzie Newsome and Steve Biscotti strolls into Billick’s office, while Billick is frantically dialing on the phone, getting "Your number has been disconnected or is no longer in service" when calling Norv Turner

Ozzie: ”Brian, you still have Santino, uh I mean Kyle Boller to answer for…”

BB: (pale, sweating, whispering) “Noooo…I’m Brian Billick…”

Ozzie: You think you could fool a real football mind with that farce from Cal? Come on now…

BB: “I swear to you Ozzie, I thought he’d be the next Randall Cunningham…”

Ozzie: “Please Brian. Don’t tell me you’re innocent. It just insults my intelligence, and makes me very angry. I played with Bernie Kosar, remember?” Now tell me the truth, who pushed you to take Boller? Was it Barzini?

BB: Huh?

Biscotti: Who was it? Modell or Fassell?

Billick: Actually sir, you OK'ed it.

Ozzie: Don’t remind me. That will be fixed…now, get out of my sight…”

Billick rushes gratefully into the car.

Lurking in the back of the Ravens-purple Escalade…Rick Neuheisel.

Just then, Rick gets text messaged from Ozzie. “Nevermind. He’s gets another year. Why I have no idea.”

Rick: "Are you sure this is the guy anyway?"

Ozzie: Why do you ask?

Rick: He looks like our Brian, but I dunno... he looks weird... sort of ...humble...

Ozzie: "It's a start..."

---------------

OK, that was fun. But that is the thing about mass layoffs in any line of work, and I've been through a couple; You knew it would happen. It still doesn’t prepare you for the impact.

Monday, five coaches were fired, and #### Vermeil retired. Today, Norv Turner went down in flames. The bloodletting hasn’t ended either, as #### Jauron is an interim coach facing the likely axe.

 

Fact is, the NFL usually tends to be the most brutal of meritocracies. Turner couldn’t develop a consistent offense with Randy Moss, Lamont Jordan, and Jerry Porter.

See ya.

Jim Haslett might have gotten the rawest deal of all, given Hurricane Katrina, a wacky owner and the non-support of the NFL. However, the (S)aints have been chronic underachievers for the past few years.

Bye Jim.

Given four years to run the show in Houston, Dom Capers couldn’t keep David Carr from looking like a Crip crashing a Bloods picnic.

In the immortal words of the late commedian Robin Harris, “gotta go gotta go”!

For all of the offensive brilliance of Mike Martz, he constantly forgot that Steven Jackson and future Hall Of Famer Marshall Faulk were allowed to run the ball on consecutive plays - and we won’t even get into the political drama. The Rams may want to hire #### Cheney or Karl Rove for the front office if it gets any worse.

Mike Sherman had the backing of Brett Favre, but I’m not sure that is an endorsement you want. I mean, Brett led the NFL in interceptions, and is good for at least three really silly throws in a game. Clearly new leadership is needed on the frozen tundra.

Now we move to the next phase. The wooing and hiring.

Make 'em an offer they can't refuse.

Looking back at the games of the weekend... give props to the the Bengals for clinching their first division title since 1990 by spanking the Lions. Marvin Lewis takes another step towards Coach Of The Year. Carson Palmer breaks Ken Anderson's team record for TD passes. And I thought he was a system QB at USC....I stand corrected.

I was of the belief that if Tony Dungy went 16-0, he should automatically win Coach of the Year. Even if the Colts finish 15-1 or 14-2, he still should be one of the top two candidates.

However, when you look at how far the Bengals have come, from league (bad) joke - a franchise that players either saw their careers ruined (see David Klinger), or couldn't wait to leave (see: any number of players over the last 15 years), to a serious threat to either Indy or New England, Marvin is the man.

And he did it in less than three years.

In a related note, you can't help but notice how the fans in Detroit have turned on the team and Matt Millen. Millen could have had Marvin Lewis. He went for Marty Mornhinweg. After that predictably proved disasterous, he skipped the interview process and then picked up Steve Mariucci. Can't say I totally blamed him for the latter move. After all Mooch had some success in SF, and he was a hot prospect.

Yet, you just know Lewis was a good coach just waiting for a chance. As was John Fox, Charlie Weis, Lovie Smith and Romeo Crennel. And the best revenge is living well indeed.