...and no one heard that sucker crash on Tony Parker's head, who could say it made a sound?

OK, Eva Longoria would.

(And that's the last time I'm bringing her fine behind  - or face - up in this conversation.)

The only drama left in this finals is whether LeBron finds his inner Kobe and goes 1 on 5 against the Spurs. The only way Cleveland can win even one game is if LBJ goes for at least 40. Forget this "Make your teammates better" ####.

Who is it easier to make better anyhow: Manu Ginobilli or Drew Gooden?

The Cavs scored 33 and 35 points in the first half of the first two games. I'm willing to bet a Happy Meal that the Browns - yes, the Browns with Brady Quinn - will score 30 points in a half this year.

The real remaining pressure is on David Stern. This has not been a good year for the comish, who could not have mishandled the New Ball Fiasco any worse than Phil Leotardo handled his meeting with Tony Soprano.

(And there is your obligatory Sopranos mention.)

Back to The David: The NBF was bad - the NBA playoffs were worse:

• First, a 67-win Dallas Mavs team folded like wet origami to the one team that matched up with them (and don't kid yourselves - the Spurs had few answers for Dallas - Coach Pop should do the class thing and send fruit baskets and mixtapes to Oakland in gratitude).
• Second, a Robert Horry cheapshot handed the Spurs the NBA crown, then David Stern's performance on live radio showed him to be arrogant and oblivious - at best  - to fan concerns. To top it off, he now alleges no owner wants to change the rule.(Show of hands, who REALLY believes that? Where is Mark Cuban when you need him?)
• Third, because of the above, we got a painfully boring Spurs-Jazz conference final.
• Fourth, the NBA Draft lotto totally bombed, as the three worst teams in the league were locked out of the three top picks. With the two best college players in long time going to the Pacific Northwest, the Eastern Conference pretty much ensured themselves a few more years of June beatdowns.
• Fifth - For the fourth time this decade, the Finals isn't an anti-climax - it is freakin' irrelevant. 2001-03, the Lakers and Spurs dispatched the Nets and Sixers, surprising absolutely no one. At least the Sixers had AI's Game 1 to hang their hats on. 2004 featured a Pistons upset, but not a watchable series, and the following year was even more boring. Now in '07, the common perception is that NBA champ was decided in the conference semifinals. And they are right.

Let's face it, the NBA Finals isn't the Super Bowl. As Tim Keown points out, it isn't even the BCS Championship game, and you know you're in trouble when the BCS gives the world a better product.

What are you to do Mr. Stern?

For starters, here are a few ideas:

• Re-weigh the lottery so that the worst team has at least a 40% chance instead of 25%. Make sure that the worst team can finish no worst than 3rd in the lottery. If a Portland gets lucky - fine. But we shouldn't have THREE Portland's getting over on the system.
• Forget this re-seeding the playoffs that always comes up, that just kills the whole concept of having a conference. I'd go one further:

Move San Antonio to the Eastern Conference. Or Dallas perhaps? Swap the Bucks and Hornets for good measure. Look, if the Baltimore Colts could spend 20 years in the NFL Western Division, and the Atlanta Falcons could spend 30 years in the NFC West, why not put a Texas team back in the Eastern Conference? Think the Rockets or Mavs wouldn't be a huge threat in the East?

• Mr. Stern, the next time you hear someone call you the "Greatest Comissioner In Sports", RUN LIKE HELL. Far away. I can make a case that you've read too many of your press clippings, because...
• ...it's about the game sir. Once you get past the bling, the slick marketing, it always comes back to the game. You waited too long to get rid of all of the excessive physicality. Too many 86-77 games killed your committed fan base. But the game is cleaner now. Now widen the court and lengthen it. Go from 94x50 to 100x55. Half-court sets in the NBA remind me of pickup games at the Y, when we play 5 on 5 half court. Crowded.
• Take some of those games back from ABC. Last year, some of the best and/or most exciting basketball (Cavs-Wizards and Suns-Clips come to mind) was never watched because it was on cable. And it was on LATE. Same with these Finals. You don't need a MJ or Bird to sell the Finals. But you do need to sell the league. And you can't do it all on cable. What's next - Pay Per View?
• When you do get some of those games on free TV, give them to Fox or NBC if ABC won't promote them properly. And when you do, make sure you get Kenny Smith, Sir Charles and Ernie Johnson to provide analysis. They are the most fun since Cosell and Meredith had their A-game. They are an asset to the league.
• Get rid of the best of 7 first rounds. Go back to best of 5, and end the silly layoffs. You're doing it for ratings, and the ratings suck anyway because the games have no interest. And it would be nice to see the season end before the fourth of July. Besides, a shorter season means more time to rest for the players. That means they'll be healthier for the following season.

Time to do the counter-inutitive. Like, right now.

Good luck Mr. Stern. Try to stay awake.